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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780307427564 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Random House Publishing Group |
| Publication date: | 01/13/2010 |
| Sold by: | Random House |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 256 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
INTRODUCTION
I was initially drawn to teaching about forgiveness because as a therapist I saw that this essential key to healing was little understood or encouraged. I spoke with many colleagues and found that the real necessity and value of forgiving was, for the most part, like a blind spot in their awareness. Yet it was clear to me that people who forgave were able to go beyond just coping to a deeper healing and to truly enjoying their lives. It was also clear that those who got lost in anger, resentment, guilt, and shame became emotionally stuck and disempowered. As a stress-management trainer and consultant, I saw the negative impact of hostility and guilt on people’s stress levels and on their physical health.
It became apparent that if I was to help myself and others heal, grow, and love life, forgiveness had to be an integral part of that process.
A number of influences have taught me a great deal about forgiving. Among them have been people who inspired me by example; the study of A Course in Miracles (a three-volume work that focuses on healing oneself and relationships through forgiveness); the practice of meditation, which has been invaluable in helping me to cultivate awareness and insight; those people and circumstances that have triggered anger and judgments in me, giving me the opportunity to forgive again and again; and the many challenges of forgiving myself.
Although I didn’t know it then, my mother was my first teacher of forgiveness. I am one of those rare individuals who grew up in a loving, joyful home with a mother who lived forgiveness in its most expanded sense. She was consistently loving, nurturing, generous, encouraging, and affectionate. She skillfully balanced the limits she set by encouraging independence. I always felt accepted and respected. When I brought home mediocre grades from school I was encouraged to try harder while assured that it was understood that I was already making an effort. I felt a love that wove a feeling of acceptance and safety into the fabric of my life. Even if she disagreed with me or got angry, her heart was always open.
Despite having lived through the Armenian massacres in Turkey where one of her brothers starved to death and her family suffered great trials, despite having lost an eye as a young girl (which was considered quite an aesthetic handicap when she was young), despite having lived most of her life with financial insecurity and hardship, despite having had many other experiences that would have made it easy for her to justify being angry and resentful, she always seemed to be able to see beyond rejection, fear, anger, judgments, and pettiness to bring love, clarity, and goodwill to places and people that would have been easy to pass over as undeserving of a kind response. I’m sure she didn’t consciously practice forgiveness, nor was she religious. She just instinctively believed in the basic goodness and value of others.
Yet even a loving, secure home environment couldn’t protect me from the trials and challenges of growing up in the world at large. My home environment gave me a firm foundation, but, like everyone, I’ve had and have my share of forgiving to do.
Part of self-forgiveness is moving beyond confining judgments and perceptions of ourselves that keep us limited and insecure. Through years of negative experiences in public school I internalized a static concept of myself as uncreative. In order to get to the point where I would take the risk of expressing myself creatively and even write this book, I had to face my fears and move beyond many old limiting self-perceptions.
Like everyone, I’ve had my share of forgiving to do in personal relationships, especially in my most primary and intimate ones. Over the years, I’ve had long-term intimate relationships with lovers who have cheated, lied, and left me unexpectedly.
I have also had personal traumas that particularly challenged my willingness to forgive. One of my most difficult experiences was a rape when I was a twenty-one-year-old college student. The rapist was threatening, hostile, and towered over me in size. The rape was an extreme violation of my personal freedom, and an assault upon my body and emotions. At first my overwhelming feeling was anger and fear, but with the passage of time I came to forgive. As you will read throughout the book, forgiving never means condoning behaviors that are unacceptable or abusive. There is no way in the world that I could or would condone what happened to me. Yet there is no question that at this point in my life I have forgiven; and because of the choice to forgive, the experience hasn’t hardened my heart. By forgiving, I released myself from the burden of remaining a victim forever, and freed myself to fully enjoy my life now.
Sometimes forgiving was easy for me; sometimes forgiving was a very bold choice. Whatever kind of choice it was, it always led me to a more peaceful heart. It always left me happier and free to move on to create healthier relationships with others and with myself.
Since I started facilitating workshops and lecturing on the subject of forgiveness nine years ago, I have had the privilege of learning so much about forgiveness from others. My audiences have included groups of both men and women in prison, incarcerated for serious crimes; groups gathered to share and be supported in their journey beyond addiction; mothers living in shelters for the homeless with their children; groups in the corporate, health-care, and lay communities seeking ways to deal with the stress of everyday living, to investigate the subject of forgiveness, and to gain skills to be more effective in their personal lives and professional roles.
In these groups I’ve seen numbed faces expressing the pain and powerlessness of despair. I’ve seen these same faces transformed in the process of opening up and forgiving. I’ve felt the palpable anguish of mothers suffering guilt about letting their children down. I’ve seen the same women begin to unburden their shame and transform it through forgiveness into self-acceptance. I’ve seen couples stuck in noncommunication struggling together in their mutual isolation. I’ve seen these same couples learn through forgiveness how to let an open, loving relationship emerge.
I don’t think anyone really wants to live with anger, resentment, shame, and guilt. Yet most of us haven’t known forgiveness as a workable option. We haven’t been taught how to forgive ourselves or others. Too few, if any, traditional training programs for health-care providers offer the opportunity to explore the healing of such critical issues as anger and guilt through the practice of forgiveness.
Until recently, Twelve Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous have been among the only places outside of religion that have explicitly declared the value and necessity of forgiveness for healing. In modern Western culture, forgiveness has been left for too long to the almost sole responsibility of religious institutions. And, as I see it, even here it has been too often misunderstood.
One of the reasons forgiveness has been so well received is that it makes sense. It appeals to one’s reason, guts, and heart. In the following pages it is my intent to take forgiveness out of the realm of a lofty ideal and bring it down to a practical skill that we can all fully integrate as our own.
SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR USING THIS BOOK
As you read through the following pages you will notice that in addition to the general text there are a variety of self-reflective exercises.
Sections set off by the directions to “Pause and Reflect” are usually a series of questions to ask yourself. You may answer them in your mind, or you may find it helpful to write your answers down.
From time to time you will see “seed thoughts” boxed and set in bold type. Seed thoughts are germinal ideas that can serve to inspire new insight and awareness. You are encouraged to write each seed thought on a card or piece of paper, and carry it with you or put it in a place where you will see it often. Whenever you notice it, pause for a few moments and think about its meaning.
There are also longer exercises and visualizations. Visualizations are best done by listening to the prerecorded audiotapes listed on this page, by prerecording the visualizations yourself, or by having them read aloud by a friend. It is important to find yourself a comfortable position where you aren’t likely to be disturbed, then allow yourself to freely imagine the scenes that are described.
Set apart from the main text you will also find personal accounts of forgiveness in the form of stories and letters. These were shared primarily by clients, workshop participants, and friends. Their names and some biographical details have been changed to insure anonymity. These stories of forgiveness in action illustrate the practical power of forgiveness to heal even in very difficult situations.
Although certain chapters focus on forgiving particular people or groups, you will find that most of the concepts can be generalized to forgiving anyone. Even if you feel very loving toward the particular people that the chapter focuses on, I encourage you to read it anyway.