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| ISBN-13: | 9781497678620 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | CareNotes |
| Publication date: | 08/12/2014 |
| Series: | CaringCompanions |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 48 |
| File size: | 353 KB |
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Finding Your Way When Your Spouse Dies
By Silas Henderson
Abbey Press
Copyright © 2013 Abbey PressAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4976-7862-0
CHAPTER 1
Getting Through the First Weeks After the Funeral
* * *
By Herbert Weber
My sisters and brothers and I met at the house the day after Mom's funeral. With both Mom and Dad now gone, we needed to clean the house and sort through personal items before everyone returned home to various parts of the country. Soon we would need to deal with the selling of the house and the settling of the estate as well.
Emotions were charged. Half an hour into the work of cleaning and sorting, one of the family members broke down in tears. The complaint was made that this was all going too fast. Mom's possessions should not be disposed of so quickly. Others agreed, but pointed out that "the work had to be done." Tensions started to rise.
Finally, someone suggested going to a local restaurant for an early lunch. There, in a different setting, we decided to discontinue the chores for two weeks. Meanwhile, we agreed to stay in touch with each other in the days ahead.
Working your way through
For many people, the first weeks and months following the funeral of a loved one are more difficult than the funeral home visitation or the funeral service. Friends and supporters have gone home. Life gets back to normal rather quickly for everyone else. For the immediate family, however, the grieving has just started.
If you find yourself caught between grief and obligations during the first messy weeks and months after your loss, perhaps the following suggestions will help.
* Forget "normal" for awhile. I learned from my own recent experience that the death of a loved one can bring much additional work to the survivors. Affairs often need to be settled quickly and efficiently. At the same time, grief is demanding attention and the realization of deep and permanent change is just settling in. In addition, family members grieve in different and sometimes surprising ways. Tensions and misunderstandings often arise. This demands a good deal of toleration on the part of the survivors.
Many folks put unreasonable pressure on themselves, caused by the expectation that they should somehow be freed from the pain of what has happened, that life should return to normal rather quickly. When this doesn't happen, they feel shame, as if something is wrong with them. But nothing is wrong except the expectation that life should be normal again so quickly.
* Work through the "messy" details with patience. A family often must divide up belongings and mementos of the deceased. If a will was not drawn up, this can become a struggle of "who gets what." Try to work out differences fairly, giving one another the benefit of the doubt. Drawing up a list of possessions and sending a copy to immediate family members so immediate family members so they can express their preferences can be the first step in clarifying wishes and working toward compromise.
Since I have a number of brothers and sisters, I had the opportunity to observe how differently each of us responded to memorabilia. Although almost everyone wanted some little item that Mom treasured, we reacted quite differently to what we felt we needed to have. The fact that we did not all care what happened to every item did not mean that we were cold or uncaring. Each of us had a unique set of memories, a unique emotional investment in various items. Be sensitive to each other's feelings and respect the uniqueness of one another's experiences.
"Every substance of a grief hath twenty shadows." —William Shakespeare, Richard II
* Know what to hang on to, and what to let go of. Sometimes, in an attempt to hang on to the person who has died, family members have an overwhelming desire to hang on to everything that belonged to that person. It can be easier to let go when memories and stories are shared.
Little anecdotes often get passed around at the funeral home. Of even greater value, however, are the stories and remembrances that come in the weeks and months that follow. Every so often, I call someone to tell them a story of Mom that I have just thought of, or to imagine what Mom's response would be to the early spring, the late snowfall, or a grandchild's accomplishment. Don't be afraid to hold on to your memories—they can be a source of healing and comfort at this time.
* Acknowledge the many levels of loss. If you had experienced only one loss, the death of someone very special to you, that would have been enough for full-time grief work. But losses come in layers. The person you love is gone, but in addition there can be the loss of a home, the loss of a way of relating to others in the family, and the loss of a certain way of thinking about yourself. It is sometimes hard to know which layer of loss you are dealing with at any given time.
In my case, the house itself was deeply meaningful. It had been our family's home for over a century, having been built by my great-grandparents. Moreover, because of a severe snowstorm that prevented my parents from going to the hospital, I had been born in that very house. As a priest, I often stayed over with my mother in order to get a good night's rest.
To admit that you are experiencing multiple losses frees you to work on them one at a time and in different ways. It also helps you guard against the "rapid recovery" syndrome that says it's best to bounce right back and get on with life. Don't be fooled by the numbness that often sets in during the first few days and weeks. It is not the same as recovery, and if you move back into your routine too quickly, you will only delay the grief work you need to do.
* Recognize and deal with feelings of guilt and betrayal. In the busy weeks after the funeral, cleaning out the house, selling property, trying to get back to work, or even smiling or laughing again may seem like a betrayal of the person who has died.
But ask yourself what the deceased person would have wanted. He or she most likely would have wanted you to do whatever is necessary as you deal with the challenges that loss brings. The many obligations that come with the death of a loved one are never easy, but they are better carried out without the additional burden of unnecessary feelings of guilt or betrayal.
Also realize that feelings of guilt or betrayal may signal deeper feelings of incompleteness or imperfection in your relationship with your loved one. In other words, such feelings can actually be another form of grief, and need to be respected and dealt with accordingly.
* Know what you need from others. I recall my sister describing her anger when she went to the supermarket shortly after Mom's death. To her amazement, other people were still smiling and laughing as if nothing tragic had happened. She knew her response was irrational, but she wanted the whole world to stop as it had for her. Didn't others know she was suffering?
It's not that friends and colleagues aren't willing to help, but they often have to be told what you need. They may assume, for example, that you "need to get out more." But there are times when it is necessary to be alone. I remember taking long walks by myself in the months after Mom's death. The solitude was what I needed most.
At other times, I needed to share little stories about Mom with my pastoral team. They listened attentively. Once or twice I called friends and told them I wanted to stop by just to talk or share some memories. They were always willing to lend an ear if I asked.
As time passes, it will become even more important to let others know what you need. When the death certificate arrives, when the house is being sold, when the lawyer needs to be contacted, when the estate is finalized, when the gravestone arrives—at such times you will feel a confusing ball of emotions welling up inside. When this confusion wells up, let others know you are "having a tough day" so they can give you the space and the support you need.
Take Heart
The early weeks and months after the funeral of a loved one are a time for both grieving and rebuilding. As you work through the obligations and the grief, and slowly give yourself permission to move ahead, you will notice that your loved one lives on in your memory, but even more importantly, in the spirit within you.
And as you enter this new cycle of your life, you will realize that your willingness to recover and rebuild reflects the very best of what your loved one has given you.
Father Herbert Weber is pastor of St. Peter's Parish in Mansfield, Ohio, where he also uses his background in social work for counseling, pastoral care, and writing.
CHAPTER 2Finding Your Way After the Death of a Spouse
* * *
By Erin Diehl
"Erin—help me, help me—I think I'm dying," Dave cried out. And then he was gone. It had been only three months since we had received the diagnosis of cancer of the lungs in an advanced state. We were both stunned because Dave had always been unusually healthy. The doctors had found nothing wrong in previous checkups.
Before we received the result of the X-rays, I promised Dave, my husband of 43 years, that I would be strong no matter what. And strong I was through the grueling three months of illness, during the funeral Mass, at the burial, at the reception so kindly arranged by women from my parish. I went on and on and on being strong!
Eighteen months later I have encountered what one writer calls "delayed grief." And I have learned a very valuable lesson: We must allow ourselves to grieve, and we all grieve in different ways, for various lengths of time.
Working your way through
In one of the books I read on grief, I came across the phrase "creative survivor." What a hopeful term! That is what Dave would want me to be. I can almost hear him saying in his calm and loving and practical way, "O.K., Erin, now get on with your life. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going."
This does not mean that I do not have excruciating times of missing him. It just means I profit by the wisdom I know he would impart to me and which I hope to impart to you in this chapter.
* Take steps to relieve loneliness. Loneliness is a constant companion. I rationalize that everyone is lonely at times, even married people. Yet coming home to find no one to share news with is a debilitating "downer." Evenings and nights have been the worst times for me.
Occupying those long evening hours can ease the void. Always having been a "book-in-hand meditator," I turned to books on grief very naturally. I spent many sleepless nights poring over them and found much solace. I also used tapes on grief.
Praying always helps me, and keeping a journal can provide a healing catharsis as well. Television can be diverting at times, but since it is such a passive occupation, it might prove depressing. I find that radio, especially National Public Radio, provides a welcome relief. Music of all types can be a real mood-elevator.
Pets, too, can be a source of comfort. My dogs run over and paw me for attention at my first sign of tears. Who could resist such unabashed affection?
* Let others help you. Reach out to others and allow them to help carry that heavy pain which is constantly with you in the early days of grief. Stoicism will not help, but there are many persons who will if you give them an idea of your needs and desires. The outpouring of love you receive from family and friends can be a tremendous source of comfort and unity. When invitations come from friends and relatives, you may find them difficult to accept, however. I find it best to accept as many as possible. Realize that the telephone is a two-way instrument, and that you may call people as well as expecting them to call you.
Some people will not know what to say to you. They may even avoid you entirely. This is just a fact and you should not allow it to hurt you too deeply. Expect changes in your relationships. Your social life may not be couple-oriented to any great extent anymore. Although your married friends want to include you, their life-style is different. You can make valuable new friendships with other widowed or single persons.
I cannot say enough good things about support groups. I belong to two different parish-based groups. I also made a Beginning Experience weekend (for widowed or divorced people) and a weekend retreat on "Coping With Grief." Shared tears and laughter are healing; trying to help others is a potent pain reliever.
* Ease your adjustment as best you can. At this time of change, you would be wise not to make hasty decisions about anything—selling your home, dispensing with personal effects, making major purchases, or any other significant changes.
"I knew my life would never be the same again. But I didn't know that it could somehow, someway, still be OK." —Mary Wiker, Letters
Avail yourself of practical helps to ease your adjustment. Our lawyer helped me through the legal mishmash after Dave's death. Family friends and business associates also provided valuable advice.
Because this period of grief and adjustment can be so stressful, you will need to maintain your strength with a nutritious diet. And physical exercise, especially walking, helps to clear out the cobwebs. Grieving is very fatiguing, so rest at night even if you cannot sleep. Relaxation techniques might be helpful. Let yourself cry when you need to. Allow yourself to be reflective, and don't worry if you do not seem to be getting much accomplished for a while.
As you make adjustments in your life, you may find you are developing greater independence. I have gained new confidence in my own actions and decisions, and I like the feeling of overcoming natural fears which might keep me from doing things. I feel pride and pleasure about the new paths I am following in my education and my work.
* Rely on your faith. Whatever your religion, it can be your main strength in living on. When Dave died, his brother Tom, who is a priest, and our four grown children came immediately. Tom said Mass while I sat by the bed holding Dave's hand, with the children gathered around. Suddenly, the sun rose outside the window in a blaze of red and gold. What a beautiful resurrection! God had painted a picture I'm sure Dave appreciated as he joined his heavenly Father—a Father he had known so well that as a child he had called him "Skipper."
Walking with God through my grief has deepened my faith. I never felt really angry with God because I knew that my loving God did not zap me with this circumstance.
God will walk with you, too. Yet you must realize that your grief may not be finished at some certain point you have in mind. At 18 months, I feel the loss with even greater intensity at times. It does not last as long as before, however.
If you are feeling "stuck" in grief, an understanding therapist might be in order—especially if you have more than fleeting thoughts of suicide. Mainly, I think it helps to consider that you are an integral part of God's plan and precious to God beyond measure.
* Do not dwell on regrets. The doctors had told me privately that Dave could live as long as six months or as little as three. But he was determined to adopt a positive attitude in hopes of getting well. In reply to telephone calls from friends, I often heard him say, "Oh, I have just a 'touch of cancer'"!
I did not want to tell Dave his cancer was terminal because he obviously did not want to hear it. One night when I asked him why he seemed to be shutting me out, he told me he did not intend to, that he was just too ill to talk about it.
I now feel we missed something by not being able to communicate as well about this as we always had about everything else. But I try not to dwell on what I could have done better. I did the best I could. So did he.
If you feel regretful about something you did or did not do before your spouse died, try to be gentle with yourself. This person who loved you so much would not judge you so harshly; neither should you submit yourself to such painful hindsight.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Finding Your Way When Your Spouse Dies by Silas Henderson. Copyright © 2013 Abbey Press. Excerpted by permission of Abbey Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
I. Getting Through the First Weeks After the Funeral,II. Finding Your Way After the Death of a Spouse,
III. Taking the Time You Need to Grieve Your Loss,
IV. "Cleaning Out the Closet"—When the Reality of Loss Hits You,
V. Why We Need to Tell the Story of the One We Lost,