Table of Contents
Introduction 1
How This Book Came About 3
From Estrangement to Reconciliation 6
What You Will Find in This Book 12
Part 1 The Landscape of Estrangement
Chapter 1 You Are Not Alone 19
Defining "Estrangement" 22
Are You Alone or Not? 24
A Problem for Everyone 26
Chapter 2 Pathways to Estrangement 29
The Long Arm of the Past 33
The Legacy of Divorce 34
The Problematic In-Law 37
Money and Inheritance 41
Unmet Expectations 43
Value and Lifestyle Differences 46
Breaking the Ties That Bind 50
Explore Your Narrative 52
Chapter 3 "It Never Stops Hurting": Living in a Rift 55
The First Threat: Living with Chronic Stress 58
The Second Threat: Broken Attachment 62
The Third Threat: The Pain of Rejection 66
The Fourth Threat: The Perils of Uncertainty 68
The Silence of Absence 73
Chapter 4 Collateral Damage 76
The Wrong Kind of Family Tradition 81
You Don't Know What You've Got 'til It's Gone 83
The Contagion of Stress 88
To the Seventh Generation 93
Part 2 The Road to Reconciliation
Chapter 5 Why Reconcile? 99
Do It for Yourself 101
The Four Benefits of Reconciliation 107
The First Benefit: Avoiding Regret 108
The Second Benefit: Getting Back into the Family 110
The Third Benefit: Access to Resources 111
The Fourth Benefit: Shared Lifetime 115
Are You Ready to Reconcile? 118
1 The Circumstances Have Changed 118
2 You Start Developing a Plan 119
3 You Get a Sign 119
Chapter 6 Volcanic Events 122
"Why Is a Single Event So Powerful? 126
The Tool Kit 129
The First Strategy: Uncover the Meaning of the Event 130
The Second Strategy: Act Quickly 132
The Third Strategy: Look for Your "Lightbulb Moment" 136
Changing the Narrative 137
Chapter 7 Let Go of the Past 141
Confronting the Past in the Present 143
The Tool Kit 147
The First Strategy: Accept That Your Pasts Will Not Align 148
The Second Strategy: Abandon the Apology 153
The Third Strategy: Build a Future 157
Living Life Forward 160
Chapter 8 Taking Responsibility 163
Defensive Ignorance 167
The Tool Kit 175
The First Strategy: Try Perspective- Taking 175
The Second Strategy: Harness the Power of Writing 179
The Third Strategy: Expand Your Feedback Loop 181
Stepping Back to Move Forward 186
Chapter 9 Changing Expectations 187
Expectations Are Relative 189
The Parent-Child Divide 191
The Tool Kit 197
The First Strategy: Change Your Expectations 197
The Second Strategy: See How Your Relative Has Changed 201
The Third Strategy: Determine the Least You Can Accept 205
You Can Go Home Again 208
Chapter 10 Setting Boundaries 210
Estrangement and Anxiety 211
The Tool Kit 215
The First Strategy: Set Clear Terms 215
The Second Strategy: Be Persistent in Setting Limits 219
The Third Strategy: Get Counseling 222
Good Fences 228
Chapter 11 One Last Chance 229
Are You Really "Done"? 230
A Tale of Two Last Chances 234
The Tool Kit 239
The First Strategy: Use the New Leverage in the Relationship 240
The Second Strategy: Limit the Risk 242
The Final Strategy: Jake the Chance to Grow 244
Acknowledgments 249
Appendix: How the Study Was Conducted 253
Notes 261
Index 269