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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781982214098 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Balboa Press |
| Publication date: | 11/08/2018 |
| Pages: | 204 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.47(d) |
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Daddy's Little Girl
"Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day ... unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear."
- Author Unknown
Here I am writing the first pages of a book that I have only dreamed of beginning until now. Today is the day that I have promised myself I will get serious about writing my story. Partially because writing this book feels like my truest destiny and partially because I want to live a more inspired, authentic life and writing is a big part of that mix. It's not easy starting this story because I'm afraid of sharing myself with the world and yet I know I'm meant to.
So here I am on a cool fall September evening in Omaha, Nebraska writing these first paragraphs from my bed. When the idea of writing about my journey first came to me five years ago, as I was running on the trail, I thought it would feel different. I met God for the first time that day. He spoke to me and I listened. We will get to that later, but for now, where I'm at in my life isn't where I thought I'd end up. I've experienced some high highs and some deep lows in between the time I first dreamed of writing this book and now. Things haven't gone the way I'd hoped and yet I'm still writing. I'm in the midst of a rocky time in my life. But I awake each day in the same situation asking for answers to my prayers and guidance for my struggles. What I continue to hear back is to write. So, write I shall. For me these are the steps I must take to get where I long to go. To become a writer. If you're experiencing your own calling, keep taking the steps to get there, too. Don't stuff your dreams down into the dark instead let them come out into the light of day. Here is my story of how I ended up here and what I'm doing to fight my way out, to find my way even when my spirit feels like giving up. You see it's all part of my journey, of my faith walk.
I often ask myself why I haven't fully stepped out to do what I fully love yet. But then as if by divine guidance I remember that I have. Only a little less than two years ago I left my safe and secure life in Nebraska to follow my dreams to live in Colorado, a move I felt very guided to take. A move that God was beckoning me to take all on my own without the comfort of knowing a single soul. Little did I know this was going to be my time away with nothing except God to lean on for all my needs. A time in my life I can look back on now with gratitude knowing that it turned me into who I was always meant to become. Learning humility in the way only difficult seasons in our lives can teach us. Understanding what it meant to have no one or nothing to rely on except for God.
Before the move to Colorado, I was working for a non-profit organization that I was passionate about, however, leaving seemed pale in comparison to the promise I felt in my heart that this new beginning was going to offer me. I had prayed and prayed on it for months and all signs led to taking this leap of faith. So, I did what anyone who wants to experience a full life did, I followed my heart and risked it all. Leaving the job, I had been at for a decade plus, and jumping into self-employment as a life coach, I decided to really go for it. But this wasn't the beginning of my soul-searching journey, it had begun long before my move to Colorado. My journey of self-discovery began the day my life changed forever.
My story begins on February 18, 2010. It's the best place I know to start. It's where my dad's life ends and where mine simultaneously begins. I will never forget the news, and honestly, I have played it back to myself in my head on many occasions, especially after I first heard the news. Replaying those initial days must be the moments I really want to feel the pain, proving to myself that it was all real, that my dad existed, and that his life mattered. The unrelenting thing about pain is that your memory never allows you to forget. Instead it comes back to it like you are living right in it again, as if you haven't made one step in the direction towards recovery, grieving, healing or whatever you want to call it. When you have such a profound loss, it takes the you, that you were before it happened, away from yourself; most likely never to resurface the same again. Yet you will still long for that person who you were before your world shattered. For me, maybe I wanted to live in that world. It makes me feel like my dad was just here like it was just yesterday that I lost him instead of the days and years piling up since he was last here on Earth, living and breathing right alongside all of us. When my life felt whole.
I'll never forget the day it happened. I guess we're not meant to forget those types of days, that would somehow be too easy on us, if we forget the very moments that shaped who we would become. I woke up that morning like any other morning. I went to work and sat at my desk the majority of the day like any other day. But this day would end up very different. It would change the course of my life in ways I never would have imagined. I got the call that everyone dreads. I was still at work, it was six thirty at night, like any normal Thursday evening, I was busy caught up in the day to day routines that made up my life. I just had that one "last" thing to get done before I would let myself go home for the day like everyone else had done two hours before.
Out of the silence, my cell phone rang, it was my sister. Nothing out of the ordinary there. But when I picked up the call there was something terribly wrong. She was in tears and soon I would be too. All she could muster was that Dad had passed away. The days that followed that fateful call were both heartbreaking and full of love. As the words rang true in my mind, my heart just couldn't fathom the truth I felt in them. I was in such shock that I had to ask her several times if Dad was gone. I found myself unable to sit still, before I knew it, I was up pacing back and forth. Our dad was gone? It was impossible. Not our dad. He was only fifty-six years old. He hadn't been sick and there was no warning.
As soon as I could collect myself, I rushed out of the office. As I left the office, on top of the shock, I felt a sharp tinge of guilt take over. How could I still be at work when my dad was gone? I had been putting in so many hours at work and not enough time devoted to other areas of my life. Areas that were of equal importance if not more. This would soon be a regret I would grapple with, but somewhere down the road would teach me a very important lesson about balance and choosing our time wisely.
Once I was in the car I rushed to call my husband to tell him the news as if I was on autopilot. Once I got him on the phone I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. How was I telling him that my daddy passed away? This wasn't real, was it? Somehow, I thought, I must have fallen deep asleep and conjured up this horrible nightmare. I was going to be able to call my dad just to listen to his voice when I woke up. Wasn't I?
As I drove the twenty miles to be with my family, I couldn't wait to fall into their arms and unzip all the pain I had pent up, letting it all out in one long exhausting cry. Like many low times in our lives my pain wasn't going anywhere any time soon. I quickly learned it would take time and perseverance on my part to get myself back. To heal enough to go on again.
Once the sting of the shock wore away, grief would cling to me for months, settling into my bones, telling me it was true, my dad wasn't coming back. Grief would become my constant companion.
Over the next few days, while planning his funeral, I was determined to do all I could to show my dad all the love I had for him. My heart kept telling me to run to him, to find him, and to bring him home. But my reality spoke a different language. One that I was nowhere near ready to accept. The deep yearning, I felt to be with him was at times downright unbearable. All I wanted in the world was to give him the biggest hug and butterfly kiss I could muster, to somehow wake him up with all the love I had for him. It's tough when there are no goodbyes, no way to turn back the clock and create a different outcome. All of a sudden there were no more smiles or laughter or memories to share. It felt like the shock was going to stay forever. My mind was running over and over it again and again. How could this have happened? He was just here and now he is gone.
I've heard stories of other people losing their loved ones with their lives being changed in a split second, but this just couldn't be happening to my family. Could it? I imagined my dad walking through the door and life going on as it should have. I would have my dad back and life would go on as planned. As it was supposed to be with my family together. We all needed him. It just wasn't supposed to happen this way. How could this be? I needed him to continue to guide me. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I never would be and yet I had no other choice.
As I sat back and looked at the reality of the situation, my dad was only fifty-six years old, making my mom a young widow at fifty-three years old, there was just no way we could live the rest of our lives without him. I had never imagined losing my dad at twenty-nine years old. For goodness sake, I wasn't even thirty yet and hadn't had children of my own. The sobering reality was this meant he wouldn't be there to meet them. And my sister, who was thirty-two years old, had four children who needed their papa around to show them the ropes and to play tickle monster with them until they couldn't handle the laughter any longer. And then to see my brother who was so young, at only twenty-three years old, being forced to deal with such a huge loss was heart wrenching. My brother wasn't married yet and my dad would want to be there for it. It all left me hollow. There was so much more left for my dad to experience and yet I had to try to accept the new reality of our lives. And then, the realization of all realizations, I would never get to see my dad again.
There was so much to do those first few days after his passing. As always with situations such as this you are thrown into the unexpected, and you must hold yourself together, if for no other reason than to honor the memory of the one you love. I poured my heart and soul into my dad's farewell, trying my hardest, along with my family to make it special for him. I understood this would be one of the last earthly displays of my affection for his life here on Earth.
The one thing that comforted me was knowing my dad would be there even if from the other side to experience it with us. To this day I pray my dad was touched and moved knowing how much we loved him and how much his life mattered. During times like these all that's required is doing the best you can. Getting through those days were not easy. I had huge waves of grief rolling in, but suddenly a moment of peace swept over me for the first time in days. The first inkling I had that there was something bigger going on within me began at my dad's viewing. As I was standing next to my dad for one of the final times, spending some precious alone time with him, during the midst of my immense pain, suddenly, this calm came over me, a peace like I'd never experienced before. In that moment, I knew I was literally feeling what my dad felt. This overwhelming feeling of peace was his sign to me that he was okay. This was a miracle to me in a very stormy time. Then just as suddenly as it came over me it dissipated and my sorrow, sadness and brokenness resumed.
Although the moment was fleeting, I recognized it as a gift instantly. The peace I had just felt would be the peace my dad would feel for eternity. It opened me up to believing I could somehow communicate with God, and with my dad on the other side. In that brief, but powerful moment, I knew this was all part of God's plan and although I wasn't close to accepting the loss, at least I knew in my heart that my dad was still there with all of us, if only in a different way.
Since that moment I have never stopped seeking my dad's presence in my life. Knowing that he is with me along my journey, continuing to guide me, brings me great comfort. In my heart, I know my dad is writing this book with me, helping me along the way. And so, began my spiritual awakening to gifts from the other side. I now had a personal connection to what life is like after dying in the physical form. What a true gift.
There are other forms of gifts brought to us during times of sorrow. Words are one of those for me, bringing me deep comfort, during times of difficulty in my life. I want to share two very special poems with you that helped me get through very challenging times. I hope they bring you comfort along your journey towards healing as well.
After my dad's passing I was comforted by a poem my Grandma Alice always adored that she left hanging on her wall at home and was ultimately read at her own funeral.
Immortality by Mary Elizabeth Frye
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there,
I do not sleep,
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
I am not there, I did not die.
This is another poem that is close to my heart and was read at my dad's service.
Don't Grieve For Me by Shannon Lee Moseley
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free,
I'm following the path God laid for me,
I took His hand when I heard Him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play,
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
I am writing this book not only for me but for you. If you're going through a loss I want you to know you're not alone. For many months after my dad passed I felt like I was dying myself. I couldn't possibly understand how I was going to make it through without my dad in my life. Grief has a way of flipping our world upside down and it is important to feel all our emotions. On the other side of grief there is more life for you to live. I want to share how you can turn your grief into glory, your suffering into peace, your tragedy into triumph, your loss into joy.
The truth is there really are no words for the hole you feel in your heart. I didn't have any words to fully describe the pain I was in those first few days, let alone the sorrow that would follow me as if it were my new shadow. Wherever I went, my grief wasn't far behind, reminding me that it was going to require me to take a long and hard look at my own life before it would saunter off into the sunset.
Feel your pain, allow yourself to be angry, sad, yell, scream do what you must. Don't stuff it down or tell yourself you should be doing better before you're ready to do better.
I remember sitting up at night when I should have been long asleep crying out to God, "not my dad ... no ... not my dad ... please God no." This soon became a mantra to myself in the wee hours of the night or during my bouts of crying and desperation for the loss of someone so dear to me. This was my sacred plea to make it all go away. I wasn't ready to deal with such a loss. No one had prepared me for something like this to happen. I sure didn't see it coming.
As this loss began to sink in, I couldn't possibly see all that God had in store for me from this life changing event. I never in a million years would have guessed that it would lead me to finding myself and living life more intentionally. These gifts of experiencing death were hidden under layers of mourning. I was able to eventually see that our greatest teachers, our truest gifts and our biggest blessings are disguised as our greatest losses.
You can't take away the loss, but you can choose to become a better person because of it.
It goes without saying that I'll never stop missing my dad and I'll never feel completely at peace that we didn't have more time together, but I'm going to make sure his life had an impact on the way I live mine. All anyone can do is try their best to be a better person despite the tragedies in our lives.
When I mentioned the experience of death being a blessing or a gift that doesn't mean we're happy it happened. Quite frankly it's the exact opposite. I'm not happy life dealt my family this tough break, but the blessing comes in the way I chose to integrate this loss into my life. I chose for it to make me more grateful for what I do have when I have it; to stop fear in its tracks and live my life fully, for the soul searching it forced upon me at a young age and for the courage and strength I had to conjure up from the depths of my being to become the person I wanted to be. A few years after my dad passed, I went and sat on his grave, on the day I decided to give my life over to Jesus and get baptized. I thanked him that day. I thanked my dad for giving up his life to save mine. That's what it feels like to me. Through his loss I found who I really am. I found God. I look at his passing as my teacher. And I have used it repeatedly. In moments where I don't have any more to give, or when I want to give up and not stay the course I think of him and I keep going. When I want to give up on my dreams, my dad saves me again. He helps me to remember life is short so I better chase it, run with it, allow it to show me the way and enjoy every last drop.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Faith Walk"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Angie Montgomery.
Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Foreword, ix,
Gratitudes from the Author, xi,
Preface, xiii,
Chapter 1 Daddy's Little Girl, 1,
Chapter 2 Cracked Wide Open, 19,
Chapter 3 Born to Love, 35,
Chapter 4 Dream On, Moon Child, 45,
Chapter 5 The Purpose in Your Calling, 65,
Chapter 6 Sunshine After the Rain, 76,
Chapter 7 Kick F-E-A-R to the C-U-R-B, 100,
Chapter 8 Wild Little Thing, 106,
Chapter 9 Faith Walk, 140,
Chapter 10 A Time to Heal, 146,
Chapter 11 Who Am I?, 166,
Prayers of Hope, 179,
Pretty Little Things From My Heart to Yours, 183,
Afterword from the Author, 187,