Emotional Purity (Includes Study Questions): An Affair of the Heart

by Heather Arnel Paulsen

Overview

Have you ever given your heart to someone who didn't love you back?

Do you feel like you've experienced heartache over and over again?

If you are emotionally attached to someone, it's easy to cross the line and become emotionally intimate. Then if the relationship doesn't work out, you're left with scars on your heart.

The church teaches us the importance of physical purity; but it teaches little about emotional purity. Christian singles often wear their hearts on their sleeves, which can lead to intense, emotionally intimate, male-female "friendships" with no commitment to pursuing marriage. People may have had several of these "friendships" and still consider themselves pure, but in reality they have given away pieces of their hearts that should be reserved for their future spouses. Emotional Purity will show you how to define and set boundaries in your relationships to avoid making the same mistakes. Learn how to guard your heart and keep it emotionally pure.

Using fictional and real-life examples along with sound biblical advice, author Heather Arnel Paulsen outlines the pitfalls of undefined relationships and presents guidelines for living an emotionally pure life.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781433519772
Publisher:	Crossway
Publication date:	04/11/2007
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	160
File size:	2 MB

About the Author

Heather Arnel Paulsen is committed to encouraging Christian singles to pursue emotional purity, and she enjoys mentoring and counseling young women. In 2003 she married her husband, John. The couple lives in Illinois with their two young children, whom Heather looks forward to homeschooling. Visit the author's web site at www.emotionalpurity.blogspot.com.

Heather Arnel Paulsen is committed to encouraging Christian singles to pursue emotional purity, and she enjoys mentoring and counseling young women. In 2003 she married her husband, John. The couple lives in Illinois with their two young children, whom Heather looks forward to homeschooling. Visit the author’s web site at www.emotionalpurity.blogspot.com.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

Tracy and Mike

SINCE TRACY'S MOVE A WEEK AGO, she had already attended a local Bible church and immediately made a new friend. She felt nervous as she waited for Emma to pick her up for Wednesday night fellowship.

As she curled her hair, picked out the right outfit, and fussed over her makeup, her heart said a thousand prayers. Tracy longed for a friend, and having had a great time at lunch on Sunday, she thought maybe Emma would fit the part. The doorbell rang. Six-thirty on the dot.

"Ready?" Emma asked.

Tracy grabbed her jacket. "Let's go!"

It didn't take long to reach the home where the gathering was taking place. Emma rang the bell, but before her finger released the button, the door opened to a tall guy with a welcoming smile. For a moment Tracy felt blown over by the very good-looking man in the doorway. She quickly regained her composure as she remembered that she was not there to meet "the one." He extended his hand toward them. "Hi. My name is Mike Hartman, and you?"

Emma confidently extended her hand. "Emma. Nice to meet you." "Tracy Kass," Tracy said bashfully and slowly offered her hand to Mike.

Emma continued, "Are you new? I don't recall meeting you before." "Ye —" Before Mike could finish his answer, a bubbly young girl embraced Emma and swept her into the living room, leaving Tracy alone with Mike.

"So how long have you been attending this group?" Mike motioned for Tracy to enter the house. Without giving her a chance to reply, he kept talking. "Your friend was right — I have never been here before. And can you believe they've got me answering the front door? I met some of these people Sunday at church, and they invited me to this fellowship night. It seemed like a good midweek pick-me-up." Mike stopped to catch his breath. "Sorry, I'm rattling on. What about you? Have you been here before?"

Tracy could not believe how totally comfortable Mike seemed. It made her feel more relaxed in this new environment. "No, this is also my first time attending one of these things. I just moved from Vermont, and I don't know anyone except Emma, and we just met on Sunday."

"Oh, this is cool. Someone new besides me. I just moved from Seattle. I got a job transfer and have only been here a week." He helped her take off her jacket as they walked into the living room together.

"Amazing, I've only been here a week as well." Tracy was surprised that she would meet someone with such a similar experience.

Throughout the evening they found themselves explaining over and over that they were not "together." By the end of the night it became a joke, and Tracy and Mike began acting as though they were together just to fool everyone.

Throughout the evening, Tracy and Mike talked about their moves and the new paths where God was leading each of them. Mike mentioned that he enjoyed tennis, and Tracy was excited to find someone else who liked the sport. Tracy had played on her college varsity team. Both eager to check out the local courts, they planned a tennis match for Saturday afternoon. Tracy could not believe how quickly the hours passed with singing, Bible study, and fellowship. At nearly eleven o'clock, Emma announced that she needed to leave.

Mike opened his arms for a warm hug from Tracy. "I prayed that God would allow me to meet a friend, and I think He answered my prayers." Tracy felt a bit startled by this frank comment, but she accepted his hug.

"See you Saturday," she answered sweetly.

On the way home Tracy beamed with excitement, unable to erase her smile. Emma could see that Tracy and Mike had hit it off. She began firing questions. "Well, what do you think of Mike? You spent the night getting to know him. Is he good-looking or what!" Tracy hadn't realized the attraction was so obvious. "He is really a nice guy, and we have so much in common. We're going out on Saturday."

"A date already! You go, girl!" Emma said, stunned.

Tracy was a bit taken aback. "I don't think it's a 'date' date. It's just two people going to play tennis."

"Whatever. I could see the way he looked at you. There is definitely something there," Emma replied. "You'd better call me Saturday night and give me the details!" That night Tracy couldn't sleep for thinking about the friendly people she had met and how awesome the fellowship had been. Her thoughts kept going back to her new friend Mike. Her mind was set — she did not want to be hurt again.

Saturday Tennis

Tracy spent Thursday and Friday evenings on the tennis court, brushing up on her serve. With job hunting and the move she felt out of shape, and she did not want to make a fool of herself on Saturday. Her heart felt warm each time she remembered Mike's engaging embrace.

A good game of tennis was just what Tracy needed after a week at her new job. She felt surprised at how good Mike was. He gave her a run for her money. Afterward they decided to grab a bite to eat.

Tracy felt very relaxed around Mike and wanted to know more about his walk with the Lord. While they munched on burgers and fries she asked, "When did you come to know Christ?"

"Well, I guess I have always known about Him. My parents were awesome examples of Christ, and when I was four I asked Him into my heart. During high school, guys from my Bible study and I started a weekly prayer meeting at school. It's still strong and has seen over two hundred kids come to know Jesus. Another growing experience I had was when I gave up a Thanksgiving at home with my parents to go on a emotional PURITY mission trip to Africa." Once started on the subject, Mike seemed eager to keep talking.

"My love for the Lord grew even more in college. My freshman year, I plugged into a Bible study with four other guys. We started a Christian fraternity at my mostly heathen college campus, and it became one of the most respected fraternities. We were referred to on campus as the 'God Squad.'"

Tracy chuckled. Mike went on, "Those buddies have become my closest friends, and we always joke that when we get married our wives will also have to be best friends with each other. Tracy, you'd really like these guys. Okay, enough about me, what about you?"

Tracy saw his depth of character as he shared his deep love for his Savior. Was that comment about his buddies a suggestion that she develop a friendship with his pals? She brought her thoughts back to the conversation and shifted in her seat. "Well, my testimony is not as ... well, let's just say I have more baggage than you. For starters," Tracy began, "I was not brought up in a Christian environment. We always went to church, but it never meant anything. My folks did the best they could, but in high school I began to rebel against everything and everybody. I ... well, I walked on the wrong side of the road. As I look back, all I know is that I was trying to fill my heart with something, but God would not allow anything to satisfy me but Him.

"During my junior year of high school I was in a car accident with my boyfriend. We had been drinking, and we hit a tree. Neither of us was injured, but the accident brought me back to the Lord. We broke up, and I started going to church. This time when I went, I was seeking to find the truth, not just going because it was the thing to do. One Sunday the preacher talked about Christ being a part of your every moment, and that is what I wanted. That afternoon my new boyfriend and I accepted Christ. We tried to have a godly relationship, and we were planning to go to the same college, a small Christian college about three hours from my home, but I got accepted and he didn't. We decided that if God wanted us together, then being at different colleges wouldn't matter. But as the summer went on, we felt ourselves being drawn in separate ways. We broke up right before school started.

"At college I had awesome roommates. The three of us prayed together all the time. They showed me what it means to be forgiven and to forgive myself. I dated a guy in college, and he was another key in my learning to build a deeper relationship with God. We were planning on getting married, but you know how life goes.

"I see God's perfect plan in bringing me out here, so far away from my guy friend. I think I needed to be away from the whole situation. See, he's getting married next spring, and the girl he's marrying is — or should I say was — a good friend of mine. I know that God has my husband picked out for me — I just need to wait on His wonderful timing."

Tracy amazed herself as she released her deepest feelings — and to a man! She went on, "God has used many different people and situations to draw me to Him, and I am thankful that He's a big part of my life."

Tracy glanced down at her watch. "Wow! It's four o'clock." Where have the hours gone? she asked herself. She could not believe how much they had shared. She squirmed in her seat and felt it was time to go.

Happy to be home, Tracy swung open the door to her modest apartment. Before the door closed behind her she noticed the red light flashing on her answering machine. She hit the play button before she removed her sweater or dropped her tennis equipment.

"Hi, Tracy. This is Emma. I can hardly wait to hear what happened with you and Mike. It's late in the afternoon — are you still out with him? Give me a call when you get in. I want to hear all the juicy details of your day. I'm so happy for you!"

Tracy didn't lose her smile as she dialed her new friend's number. "Hi, Emma. It's Tracy," she said with a light bounce in her voice.

"Hi, Tracy. I've been waiting for your call. So what happened with your tennis date?"

Not wanting to embellish the day or indulge her friend too much, Tracy simply responded, "It was nice. We did a great deal of talking. He's a great guy, and who knows what will happen?" Emma fired questions at Tracy: How did he do this? What did he say about that? Tracy wanted to think about the day quietly, so she sweetly said good-bye and headed for the shower. Thinking about Mike brought on a mixture of emotions she had thought were buried after her last breakup. But maybe, Tracy thought, God had brought Mike into her life for a reason.

Friendship Building

One week ran into the next, and before long Mike and Tracy's friendship developed a pattern. Sunday mornings brought them together at worship, followed by an afternoon of lunch and fun with the singles group. Neither missed the weekly Singles Fellowship Night, and then there was the standing date for tennis and lunch on Saturday. Sunday, Wednesday, Saturday. Church, singles fun, tennis. Sunday spiritual bonding, Wednesday social bonding, Saturday fitness bonding.

One night as Tracy wrote in her journal, her thoughts poured out. Father, You know my innermost thoughts and how much I do not want to have these feelings for Mike, but they are here. He loves You so much, and that quality attracts me to him. He strives to serve You and longs to love You more each day. What should I do with these feelings? She was thankful that Mike never overstepped physical boundaries; she knew this kept them pure. They were very close, and the closeness was what she valued most in their friendship. As weeks turned into months, Tracy's mind often wondered if this could be the pure relationship she had only dared to dream about secretly.

Friday nights had become one of her few free nights. Tracy used them to tackle life's menial chores. She'd fallen into the habit of picking up her dry cleaning, stopping at the mall or grocery store, then going home to make her weekly call to her family and finally clean up her tiny apartment that she had neglected most of the week. But this particular Friday night her apartment would just have to understand her lack of attention.

On Wednesday night at Singles Fellowship, Emma had made Tracy promise to have a girls' night out. "It's been way too long since we've gotten together," she said. "I feel like we haven't talked in ages." Tracy agreed, and they arranged to meet for dinner and a movie.

Seated in a secluded booth, the pair had just ordered pizza when Emma blurted out, "So tell me, what's going on with you and Mike?" Tracy had felt twinges of eagerness to indulge someone with the happy details of her friendship with Mike. Emma would be a perfect friend to affirm her feelings. Tracy began to talk as the waiter deposited their Cokes, and as they finished the last slices of pizza she was telling Emma of her growing feelings toward Mike.

"Oh, that's normal, Tracy. You two spend so much time together, and he's a nice guy."

"But Mike has never told me his intentions. What if he doesn't like me in that way? I mean, what if he just thinks of me as a good friend?" Tracy asked, hoping for reassurance.

"Tracy, doesn't he text message you a few times a day?"

"Practically."

"Does he hug you hello and good-bye every time you see each other?"

"Yes."

"Does he treat any other girl in the singles group like you?"

"No."

"Doesn't he always give you that playful nudge when you are talking about your tennis matches?"

"Yes."

"Didn't he take you to his coworker's birthday party?"

"Yes — Brice, the guy he led to Christ."

"Didn't he give you a nickname — Squeak or something?"

"Yes, Squeak, like the noise of my shoes when we play tennis."

"Well then, he must like you! All the signs are there."

Tracy's heart skipped. "You think so?"

"Yup." Emma replied.

That was what Tracy wanted to hear. She felt that God was confirming Mike's feelings toward her through their conversation.

The following Saturday's tennis match was a real workout for Tracy. She couldn't keep her mind on the game and ended up chasing balls all around the court. Exhausted and ready for a relaxing lunch, she fell into the cushioned booth and asked Mike to order "anything refreshing" for her. As she sipped on a large iced tea, Tracy began to share with Mike a conversation she'd had with Brice, Mike's coworker, during the week.

"I was shocked when he asked me out. I mean, I hardly know him. We'd just met at his birthday party, but I guess he felt comfortable asking me out. Well, he really isn't my type. I know you just recently led him to the Lord, and I praise God for that, but the last thing I need to deal with is a guy who is new in Christ. I need someone who is solid in the Lord," Tracy said with a nervous laugh as she wondered whether Mike was going to pick up the clue that she needed a man like him.

Only then did Tracy realize that she'd been twirling a bit of salad around for several minutes while she chatted. She waited for a look of fear or disappointment in Mike's face at the thought of her dating someone else.

"His question really threw me off guard," Mike said as he dabbed his mouth with a napkin. "Brice asked me if he could ask you out. Now, why would he do that?"

Tracy's head bobbed up from her plate. "He asked you?"

"Yeah, isn't that crazy?" he responded with a partial laugh.

Tracy's mind whirled with uncertainty. Did they discuss me over a coffee break? Did Mike mention any feelings he has for me to Brice? Mike must have told him it was okay to ask me! What's going on? She unruffled her thoughts enough to counter, "Yeah, crazy."

"Hey, let's get a movie and go back to my place!" Mike said abruptly as he stood up, grabbed the bill, and paid.

At his home, Mike popped in the DVD and sat down next to Tracy on the couch. At first she was nervous, but then Mike put his arm around her. "Just think, Squeak, if you had gone out with Brice tonight we wouldn't have had such a terrific time."

"This is true," Tracy said as she snuggled effortlessly into his arm. She felt very secure there and briefly reflected that she was thankful Mike was being so cautious with her in regard to physical purity. Tracy couldn't remember a time in many months when she'd had such a complete feeling of protection.

Confusion

Tracy felt homesick and confused. When time allowed, her thoughts would wander back to the stunning fall colors back east. She could only imagine the spectacular show in her parents' well-manicured yard in New England. Envisioning these colors only intensified Tracy's loneliness. Thanksgiving away from her family — their traditional time of baking, taking a gift basket to a needy family, and then the afternoon of feasting and football — threatened to be difficult for her.

Tracy was rather amazed that another little part of her was energized by thoughts of beginning new traditions. During one of those reflective moments, Tracy shared her homesickness with Mike by e-mail. She knew he would understand because at one time during high school he had been in Africa over the holidays.

On Saturday Mike asked Tracy what she planned to do for Thanksgiving.

"Nothing, silly. I told you that in my e-mail." Tracy wondered where this conversation was headed.

"Well, I called my folks, and you know what? We have an extra chair at our Thanksgiving table. Would you like to fill it?" Mike asked.

Tracy's heart soared at the thought of meeting Mike's family. At the same time her mind rapid-fired question after question. Could this mean something? What will I wear? Is there time to lose a few pounds? Will they like me? Will I meet his whole family? Does he want me to meet the folks before he takes our relationship to the next level? He must like me. Are his feelings for me developing?

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "Emotional Purity"
by .
Copyright © 2007 Heather Arnel Paulsen.
Excerpted by permission of Good News Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments,
Introduction,
1 Tracy and Mike,
2 Avoiding Early Intimacy,
3 Finding Good Guidance,
4 Guarding Your Heart,
5 Defining a Friendship,
6 Protecting Your Relationships,
7 Learning True Contentment,
8 Trusting in God,
9 Creating Safe Ideals,
10 Watching Your Feelings,
11 Understanding Your Expectations,
12 Following God's Plan,
13 Seeing Christ's Design,
14 Preparing for Marriage,
15 Dating Done Differently,
16 Continuing My Journey,
17 Enjoying Your Single Years,
Questions for Study and Discussion,