Don't Hate the Player Learn the Game: How to Spot "Ineligible" Eligible Bachelors

by Lyn Lewis

Overview

Women would like to make better choices in selecting a mate, and this book helps them recognize the qualities they desire and how to find them beneath the façade men often possess. The book looks at nine different player stereotypes, including truth tellers, mama’s boys, betrayers, and deceivers, and teaches women to read the signs through the player’s behavior and past history. Many men don’t want commitment, but are not honest and many women believe what men say, but and are tired of playing games. Addressing the issues of honesty and communication, this book empowers women to find the mate they want and deserve.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781934155967
Publisher:	African American Images
Publication date:	10/11/2013
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	200
File size:	868 KB

About the Author

Lyn Lewis is a retired professor from the University of Detroit and a licensed therapist. She lives in Detroit, Michigan.

Read an Excerpt

Don't Hate the Player Learn the Game

How to Spot "Ineligible" Eligible Bachelors

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By Lyn Lewis

African American Images

Copyright © 2013 Lyn Lewis
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-934155-96-7

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CHAPTER 1

The Gravy Train Player


You're my desperado woman
I'm your well kept man
You want me so badly
Your head stays buried in the sand

You treat me like I'm your heart
Your most important part
Oxygen Pump is my name
Your arteries, tissues and veins
Testify to my claim to fame

You act like I'm your lungs
The reason for every breath you breathe
You place me on such a high pedestal
The sun and moon look up at me

I'm your central nervous system
I control the thoughts in your brains
You march to the beat of my drums
That's why I boarded your gravy train

You take care of me in grand style
You begged me to move in
You lavished me with clothes and jewels
And a shiny royal blue Mercedes Benz

People ask me why I live with you
The answer is very simple
Non-commitment
Convenience
And available sex
I'm the crowned king of your temple

If you ever ask me to chip in
Or help you pay the rent
I'll quickly let you know
I'm not giving your stupid a_ _
One measly red cent

You'll pay any price for my company
You'll gladly neglect your kids
You'll fight lions in their den
And commit the seven deadly sins

This gravy train I boarded
Travels at the speed of my sound
It jumps over tracks when I say jump
It slows down when I say slow down

I'm the sole passenger
On my woman's gravy train
Every compartment bears my name
That's how I got her tamed

Try to come aboard her train
If you don't believe my hype
She'll point to her big sign that reads
My train is full
All others take a hike

All Aboard

"Gravy, gravy everywhere; the female trains these men board, let them live free and charge no fare." I made the above statement during a forum about women who allow men to move in with them and provide them with free boarding, food, and clothing, and literally take care of them. This comment was made after a male in attendance stated that he had been living with his girlfriend for seven years. As he continued to talk about how good she has been to him, he bragged, "She bought me this suit. I like for her to buy my clothes. She has good taste. Don't you, baby?" He looked at her and she smiled back at him. Then he stated, "What I really like about her is that she loves pleasing me in every way she can. I love for her to please me. Don't I, baby?" The woman did not verbally respond. She sat there, smiling, and looked at him in the most "I adore you" manner. She did not appear to be the least bit embarrassed by what her male partner said about her. Another male replied, "He got him a meal ticket." A woman spoke out, saying, "He hit the jackpot. Meeting her was like coming into a windfall." Then two males stated, "Now he's sitting pretty." "He has it even better than that. That man has got him a gravy train." A female participant inquired, "So what is a gravy train?" A male responded, "That's when a man hits 'pay dirt' with a woman." The female then asked, "What's pay dirt?" A male explained that "pay dirt" is a term used by men when something really beneficial, desirable, favorable, and advantageous has occurred in their lives. In this case, it's a woman who is willing to play the role of his caregiver and caretaker. Still another man stated, "It's even better than that. He found his Home Depot." A woman then said, "When I think of Home Depot, I think of the store." The male followed that with, "Yeah, Home Depot is a store. It prides itself on having everything people need and want to get their house in order. This woman is this man's Home Depot because she tries to take care of all his wants and his needs. She tries to have everything for him, just like a Home Depot tries to have everything for its customers."

To further clarify the concept used in this idiom, the words "gravy" and "train" were discussed separately and then as a concept that suggests that a man is being cared for by a woman in her home. A gravy train, in this context, refers to a male who has moved in with a woman for the purpose of being "kept" by her. "Kept" refers to her taking care of him, providing him with food, clothing, shelter, love, affection, and niceties and amenities such as a car, clothes, jewelry, and miscellaneous elements per his request. The male defines this as a very lucrative and rewarding arrangement for him, since his primary responsibilities are to be present and satisfy the woman sexually. He sees himself as a benefactor of her generosity or her stupidity or a combination of both. One male at the forum pointed out that the gravy train slogan is so popular, it also bears the name of a brand of dog food.

Another male said, "Yeah, I have a friend who was really a benefactor of a woman's generosity. This man had horrible looking teeth. The same man went on to say that his friend decided to move from the East Coast to the Midwest to be with her. Now, his teeth are cleaner, whiter, and stronger because she spends her money to take him to the dentist." He had about three teeth missing, one in the front and two on the side. His teeth looked like they had never been cleaned. She was a professional woman who felt she needed a man on her arm to look a certain way, so to fix his mouth to her specifications she paid for his dental work. She told me that he had three implants. Implants are expensive, but she paid for all the work. Then she had his teeth cleaned. He didn't look like the same person. Every time I saw him after that, he was smiling, showing his pearly white teeth.

Still another male talked about how his male friend had a "body-type transformation" when he moved in with his woman. He stood about 6" 2" and weighed about 150 pounds. He looked malnourished. She started feeding him good and she got him to go to the spa with her to work out. I saw him about eight months after he moved in with her and I didn't recognize him. I have known him practically all my life and I have never known him to have muscles. He has muscles now and he looks healthy. I told him how good he looked and I asked him what he weighed. He told me he weighed about 190 pounds, but it was all muscles. Like that dog food commercial says, the gravy train can build strong bones. So maybe she believes that if she keeps him healthy, he will continue to have good sex with her. For women, the sex is the main thing that drives them to do what they do for a man. If he is not good in bed, she doesn't care how good he treats her, he has to go — quick, fast, and in a hurry. Therefore, the major requirement to getting on the female gravy train is to sexually satisfy her. As long as he keeps his sexual skills up to her liking, he can ride her female gravy train and all she will say is "choo choo."

Who Let the Dogs Out?

There are many clichés that are used to associate men's sexual promiscuity with dogs. In a discussion about men's behavior in intimate sexual relationships, you are sure to hear such phrases as, "men are dogs," or "all men are dogs," or "all men have some dog in them," or "it's the dog in men that makes them do wrong." These statements are not only echoed by women, they are stated vociferously by some men. As a matter of fact, some men make these statements with their chest stuck out, as if they are bragging about their sexual prowess. When these statements are made, it must be understood that the reference of men to dogs is related to men who cheat sexually on their mates. That is, they have sex with two or more women without divulging this to one or more of the women. In a Life Talk conversation about men who enjoy having indiscriminate sex with women, one male stated his case in a syllogism. He said, "All men are dogs. I'm a man. Therefore, I'm a dog, too." Another man took issue with his statement and stated, "I don't deny that there is some dog in all men, I just don't think that all men are dogs. I think men act like dogs toward women when women accept dog-like behavior from them. Women who don't accept doglike behavior from men don't get it. If she acts like a lady, we treat her like a lady. If she acts like a hoe [whore], we treat her like one. How she wants to be treated is on her."

Another male disagreed with the above explanation. He replied, "I'm a man and I know I'm a dog. I'm really more like a wolf than a dog. I don't see myself changing because I don't want to change. I'm having too much fun the way I am and I believe in that saying, 'Once you have been a wolf, it's hard to step down and act like a goat.'" Notice the wording of this phrase, especially the part that says "step down". It suggests that a man acting like a goat is acting like he's less than a man. I asked the group to tell me what they thought was the difference between a wolf and a goat. One male responded, "A wolf is treacherous. He will do anything to anybody, whereas a goat is not out to harm anyone."

Another participant claimed, "A wolf is a predator. Any animal is fair game that crosses his path. It doesn't matter whether they are smaller or bigger than him, he's out to get them." To bring more credibility to the conversation, I pointed out that wolves, unlike goats, are carnivorous. They will kill and eat other animals at will, though mainly for food. They are wild animals and they will stake out their territory. Invaders are not allowed. Goats, on the other hand, are easy to handle, loyal, easy to train, pleasant, and followers, not leaders. A male then claimed, "I wouldn't say that men are as bad as wolves, but women don't want us to act like no goat and we don't want to act like one neither."

The language of men as dogs does not only resonate in male-female relationships, it is heard in the aesthetics of music and in the sports world. In 1998, Anslem Douglas wrote and originally recorded the song "Who Let the Dogs Out," from a Trinidad and Tobago's Carnival. Two years later, it was produced with a group known as the Baha Men. The popularity of this song exceeded anyone's expectations. It is commonplace to hear fans at a sports event chanting the title of the song, then making barking sounds of whoof, whoof, whoof, whoof, whoof. It's interesting to note that the song has received worldwide attention in male-dominated sports arenas. In the United States, Major League Baseball teams and National Football League teams use it frequently as a lyrical tool to get the crowd involved in the game and cheer for their favorite team. College teams such as Mississippi State University joined the bandwagon and chanted the lyrics at their football games. The Seattle Mariners is one of the teams most noted for their usage of it. At the 2000 World Series between the New York Mets and the New York Yankees, the chants of "Who Let the Dogs Out" were so frequent, it appeared to be both teams' theme song. How is it that a song with these lyrics caught on like wildfire and has commonly been heard in the institution of sports that is primarily dominated by men?

First, the word "dog" is used by some men as a slang greeting. The most likely groups of men to use these phraseologies are blue-collar workers and entertainers, especially in the music industry, non-political radio disc jockeys (DJs), and men in the sports industry. Oftentimes, these greetings are used in endearing ways and may speak to a close relationship between the users. You may hear a man say to another man, "What's up, dog?" Or, "You know you're my dog." Or, "That's my dog," referring to a male friend. The men who use these phrases embrace them and see them as complimentary statements and acceptable greetings. It should be noted that all men do not use these phrases. Upper middle class, professional, and top executive men, especially those who are outside of the sports world, are the most unlikely groups to use them.

The question that still remains is: Who let the dogs out? Did men let the dog out within themselves, since they are men and are held accountable for their behavior? Did those women who tolerate doglike behavior from men let the dogs out? Are men and women jointly responsible for letting the dogs out? At a social workers' conference, I conducted a workshop on male -female relationships. During the workshop, I stated that women are so significant in the lives of heterosexual men that they will literally change whatever behavior they exhibit that is viewed as intolerable by women if women refuse to have sex with them. A male social worker raised his hand and stood up and said, "I am so glad you are letting these women know that because that is the truth. I have told women that if men who commit crimes were told and shown that because of their criminal behavior, women would not have sex with them, their illegal behavior will be no more. If drug dealers were unable to have sex with women because they were drug dealers, they would stop selling drugs." These comments received clamorous disagreements and a few agreements from both men and women.

One male stated, "I don't know where you get that from. Anything I want to do, I will do it. I don't care if women like it or not." I pointed out that the boycott of men's behavior would need to include all women. Women are more likely to live to the age of 150 than they are likely to unite holistically for a common cause against men. The topic had workshop participants talking so much and holding so many sidebar conversations that for a few moments, it was difficult to determine who was saying what. I stated, at this point, that even if women adhered to a sexual moratorium, there probably would be some men who would refuse to change their behavior. Also, what is the likelihood that women could hold a sexual moratorium for any length of time? At this point, one female participant stated, "If women decided to hold a sexual moratorium, don't count me in. Listen, I'm going to get my share of sex while I'm here on earth because you can't take it with you." When asked, "Take what with you?" She responded, "The enjoyment of sex and all that it gives me." When the workshop ended, there was an informal discussion that was just as lively as the formalized one. If all women stopped having sex with men because of some objectionable aspect of men's behavior, will there be a change in their behavior? We will never know. What we do know is that women need this dog alert: Beware of dogs. They may have you howling!

Gravy Train Ticket — Who's Eligible?

All men do not qualify to purchase a gravy train ticket and board the gravy train. These men must be of a certain breed to fit these eligibility requirements. Some major aspects of these criteria will be examined now.

Billy the Boll Weevil

First, they must have a boll weevil mentality. Upon introducing the boll weevil mentality concept at a seminar, a male asked, "What the hell is a boll weevil?" The other male replied, "Where are you from?" The guy said, "I'm from New Jersey." "Well, that explains it. I'm from Mississippi and I used to chop cotton and pick cotton. Sometimes the cotton crop wouldn't be that good because boll weevils, which are little beetles, had gotten inside the cotton ball and eaten the cotton. You see, the boll weevil is an insect that is so dangerous that it can destroy a whole crop of cotton. These little creatures spend their time always looking for a home." This man is a real Southerner.

In the male-female relationship vernacular, especially in the Deep South where cotton was one of the major crops, the boll weevil has taken on an interesting connotation. If a man is looking for a woman who will let him move in with her for free — at least as far as free applies to money — many Southerners will say, "He ain't nothing but a boll weevil, looking for a home." This line of thought was so pervasive in the South that blues songs were recorded to illustrate the meaning of the boll weevil.

It is clear at this point that one of the criteria required for qualifying as a gravy train ticket holder is that you must be like the boll weevil. You must be looking for a home or not voice any opposition to finding one.

George the Gift Benefactor

The second criterion is that they must have a gift benefactor mentality. The female gravy train will supply recipients with little-ticket and big-ticket items. These items may be as small as a toothbrush, comb, or razor and as expensive as a car, boat, or house. In a conversation with a male regarding the gifts he received from his female gravy train, he stated, "What man doesn't like gifts?" In another situation, a male was in therapy. His chief complaint was his troubled relationship with one of his children. During the course of the therapy sessions, he talked about the woman with whom he was living. He met her at a concert's afterglow party. He claimed that getting involved in a live-in relationship was not on his mind. But after a few dates and some sexual encounters, "She made me an offer I couldn't refuse. She told me that if I moved in with her, she would take care of me."

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Don't Hate the Player Learn the Game by Lyn Lewis. Copyright © 2013 Lyn Lewis. Excerpted by permission of African American Images.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Acknowledgments,
Dedication,
Introduction,
Part I: The Truth Tellers,
1. The Gravy Train Player,
2. The Mama's Boy Player,
3. The King Smorgasbord Player,
4. The Gas and Go Player,
5. The As-Is Player,
Part II: The Betrayers,
6. The Silent Deceiver Player,
7. The Philophobic Player,
8. The Down Low Player,
Part III: Learned Lessons,
References,