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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780802480217 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Moody Publishers |
| Publication date: | 09/01/2008 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 128 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
She has written more than half a dozen books including High Wire Mom and Empowering Choices. She and her husband are co-authors of Do Your Kids a Favor...Love Your Spouse and Journey of a Strong-Willed Child. Kendra has also written numerous magazine articles, contributed to several books, and currently writes a monthly column for Hearts at Home magazine.
Kendra and her husband, John, live in East Lynn, Illinois.
Read an Excerpt
Do Your Kids a Favor ... Love Your Spouse
By Kendra Smiley John Smiley Moody Publishers
Copyright © 2008 Kendra Smiley
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8024-6942-7
Chapter One
Priorities: First Things First
Parenting: the toughest job you'll ever love. The task of hands-on parenting lasts for approximately eighteen years, at which point you move from the role of supervisor to that of consultant. Oh, you are always Mom or Dad, but you are no longer involved in daily parenting tasks. And I probably should tell you that, although you are a consultant, you will not be getting paid like one. The shift in responsibilities comes little by little, moving toward the goal of working yourself out of a job.
Many of the choices you make in the early years of parenting have lasting effects. The investment of time and energy that you make in your child can bring both of you joy or sorrow well into the future! Eighteen years may end the parenting responsibilities, but not the relationship.
Let's Make a Plan
With a task this important, a good plan is in order. We all want to know where to go and how to get there. Let's start at the beginning-not by looking at our differences as Mom and Dad, but by examining the things we have in common, our core beliefs.
It is true that my husband, John, and I are very different-different genders, different personalities, different "baggage," different traditions -but despite all of those things, we have the most important fundamentals in common. Our core beliefs are the same. First and foremost, both of us have come to a saving knowledge of Christ ... at different times and in different ways (of course!), but both of us have arrived at the foot of the cross.
John's Journey
John's journey began at an early age. From infancy through high school he faithfully attended Sunday school and church with his family, hardly ever missing a Sunday Perfect attendance, however, while admirable, is not a guarantee of a relationship with Christ. That important commitment came when John was sixteen years old. An evangelist was speaking at the little church where John and his family attended, and on the last night of the revival, John went forward to the altar and prayed for forgiveness. That night his heart was changed and he began to seek the Lord and what God had for him.
I think it's safe to say that although that particular evening was monumental for the church, as many people did precisely what John had done, there was no one to disciple and teach those who had made this recent and life-changing decision. So John headed forward on his journey of life knowing that God loved him and that he had been given the gift of eternal life, but knowing very little about the Word of God.
My journey looked nothing like his.
Kendra's Commitment
A few years passed and I came on the scene. We met at the public swimming pool in the town where l lived. I was enrolled in senior life-saving and John accompanied his older brother, our instructor, to help with the final test. He came to the pool on the day that we were scheduled to "rescue the victim!" When I saw how cute he was, I immediately made the decision to get into his line. When I saw that all the other girls had the same idea, I simply got into his line first.
I was immediately infatuated with John. The afternoon after our somewhat unusual introduction, I actually told my best friend, Jane, that I thought I had just met the man I would someday marry Now remember, this was not a prophetic statement. This was not based on anything but my human attraction for him. I had done no praying or seeking God's will on the matter, because neither of those behaviors was a part of my life at that time.
We began to date, unaware that the Bible specifically instructs believers (John, in this case) not to be "unequally yoked" with an unbeliever. He was not being overtly disobedient. Instead he was simply oblivious to the instruction of God. After four years, the innocent prediction I had made to Jane came to pass and we were married. We became "yoked"-unequally John had made a commitment to Christ. I had not. I am certain the inequality contributed to that nasty little interchange I told about in the introduction, which happened shortly after we became husband and wife.
But things did change, and the change occurred soon after our wedding day: John was scheduled to report for pilot training at Big Spring Air Force Base, Texas, about a week after we were married. So we had that honeymoon John had been looking forward to and then we drove to Texas.
I can still remember John waking me up when we got to Texarkana. "Kendra," he said. "We're in Texas now. You might want to stay awake." In our excitement we failed to realize that arriving in Texarkana, more than nine hours into our journey, meant that we were almost halfway to Big Spring. Texas is a very large state!
Life in Texas
Ultimately we did reach the Air Force base and John began the adventure of pilot training for the United States Air Force. We got married after I completed my second year of college, so the plan was for me to enroll in college wherever we were stationed. The plan, however, did not come to pass. Big Spring was one of the few bases with no four-year college close by That seemed to ruin my plans. John's response was that he knew we were "where God wanted us to be."
My thoughts were not as faith-filled. God? Why does He care where we are stationed? And if He did really care, why didn't He put us near a college? It didn't make any sense to me. Of course it didn't. "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing" (1 Cor. l:l8).
Our different perspectives on location were just one example of how my unbelieving heart was different from John's believing heart. The illustrations mounted daily until finally I became overwhelmed. John's behavior was driving me crazy He wasn't doing things the way I thought he should. Instead he was at peace in the various challenges. His "annoying" behavior is specifically noted in Scripture. Galatians 5:22-23 says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." That's hey: he was responding, and I finally confronted him about it.
"I don't know why you are so content and l am so miserable ..." I began. Before I could continue, he interrupted me with a thought.
"It just might be that I have accepted Christ as my Savior and I'm not sure you have done that," he said gently
Just might? Not sure? There was that kindness and gentleness thing again. He must have known.
But I truly wanted to hear and embrace the Good News of Jesus. I had been seeking the truth since I was a teenager, but had never heard it from someone I knew, loved, and trusted. John was the perfect person to share the gospel with me. He had been "encouraging and comforting" me (1 Thess. 2:12) for several years and now was well qualified to "urge me" just as the Scripture instructs.
"Well, let's get on with it!" I said emphatically. I knew that I wanted what John had. We prayed and my life has never been the same.
I'll be forever grateful ...
... that we don't have to wait to come to Christ until we are good enough.
... that we don't have to wait until we are smart enough.
... that John lived out his love of Christ so that I could see it and desire it.
Our core beliefs are the same now, and that is what is most important. We have one other thing we agree completely on (admittedly maybe only one other thing). We agree on our list of priorities.
Busy, Busy, Busy
The world is a busy place. Many things clamor for your time and attention. Your kids need you. Your spouse needs you. Your job needs you. Your own parents may need you. And, of course, your church needs you. Just going through that list has worn me out. Everyone needs us. The question is, "What comes first?" That is the age-old question of priorities.
I heard about establishing my priorities when I was in college. I was told that in order to get the most important things accomplished, I'd have to set my priorities. Years later I heard motivational speakers say the same thing. And I read books that encouraged me to make a list of the things I deemed important. All this input had me convinced. Just do it! I thought. So I prayed and made a list of the things I thought were important-in order of their importance. I constructed a list of my priorities. This list resided in a place of honor-on the right-hand corner of the desk where I could see it every day. But being able to sue my list of priorities didn't change my life. Seeing the list and having it affect my life were two different things.
Motivation for Change
My list of priorities took up space and gathered dust on the corner of my desk until several things happened that motivated me to action. As I spoke around the country, I told anecdotes about my children. In the early years I heard the same comment from more than one older woman.... "Oh honey," the woman would say, "enjoy those boys. They'll be gone before you know it!" The recommendation was always expressed with a tone of sadness. I imagined her next words to be "Because, you see, I didn't and now mine are gone! Enjoy those boys. Make them a priority."
Not a bad idea. And something else pushed me in the direction of making my list of priorities actually influence my behavior.
The Oldly-weds
It was a beautiful day in July and a large crowd had gathered to celebrate my in-laws' fortieth wedding anniversary. We had a wonderful dinner and then invited several couple's to play the "Oldly-wed Game." The premise of this game was identical to the Newlywed Game with one obvious difference-length of marital commitment. Deep into the competition, the wives had exited the room and the husbands were asked to complete this sentence: "My wife's favorite saying is ___________." I'll never forget the answer of one of the contestants. "That's easy," he said. "My wife's favorite saying is 'Hurry up!'" Needless to say, this answer did not match his wife's!
That question and answer from the game got me thinking. How would my husband answer that same question? How would my children? "My mom's favorite saying is 'Hurry up!' or 'I'm too busy!'" Yikes! I didn't want either of those sayings to be classified as my favorite or to be featured on my tombstone. My family needed to know by my words and actions that they were a high priority.
Not a bad idea. A good motivator. The most powerful and poignant motivator, however, was yet to come.
No Regrets
One more thing, something much more serious, pushed me to take a long look at implementing the list of priorities into my life. I am the youngest of three children. My brother and sister were both in college by the time I was in third grade. But even with this age gap, my sister and I became friends as adults when we lived within driving distance of each other. My sisters husband, one of my favorite people, was also my dentist.
One day while we were visiting them, he told me he had been having difficulty making extractions. I never realized that it took a certain amount of strength to pull a tooth. Like a typical male, he wasn't even thinking of going to the doctor. Instead he increased his workout schedule. At forty-five years old, he was actually in very good shape. Weeks later, when his aggressive physical fitness plan didn't make a difference, he went to see his doctor.
Immediately the physician declared the problem to be much more serious than anyone realized. My brother-in-law had an MRI and it was determined that he had a brain tumor. Within days he was scheduled for brain surgery.
I was sitting in the ICU waiting room with my sister when the doctor came in after surgery. "We removed some of the tumor from the brain," he said. "We were not able to get the entire mass, however, and it was definitely cancerous. I doubt if he will recover enough to undergo chemotherapy OK radiation."
We sat in that waiting room in shock. Over the next few weeks, I went to the hospital to be with my sister and brother-in-law almost every other day. It was more than an hour's drive and I had three young children, but with the help of John's family and our church family, I was able to spend time away.
The conversations with my brother-in-law were difficult. My visits were more of a monologue than a dialogue. I read to him and prayed for him and told him funny stories. My brother-in-law, my sisters husband, my friend, was dying Because his words were few and far between, they had great impact. One day when I had been in his room for several hours, he turned his bead toward me and spoke words I hope I'll never forget. "Oh Sister," he said, "I should have gone fishing more." Those words shouted at me. It was one of the last things he said to me. I needed to consider more seriously my list of priorities.
Not a bad idea!
His words, and his death only days later, were a reminder to me that my list was doing me no good perched on the corner of my desk. It was high time to put that list into action to change my behavior. I wanted to be certain to "enjoy those boys!" I wanted my legacy to be more than efficiency, multitasking, and being in a hurry. And I wanted to be certain l had done what was important in my short time on earth. I didn't want to voice any dying regrets.
So I began more earnestly to pursue the answer to the priority puzzle: How can my "list" be reflected in my life?
Not long after that, I had a thought while I was cleaning the bathtub ... a job that takes very little attention to detail. I had been thinking about the whole idea of my list of priorities making a difference. I'm pretty sure that the idea was from God because it lined up with His Word and was bigger than any thought I could have had on my own.
My Watercolor Priorities
I had always made my list of priorities on paper with pen or pencil. My idea was this ... what if I took my paper and put it upright on an easel? And what if instead of a pen or pencil, I painted my priorities with watercolor?
Those of you familiar with watercolor painting are shaking your heads. "This won't work. Watercolor paint will run. You've got to have the paper flat." You're right-right at least about the fact that the watercolors will run to the bottom of the paper. But that was the whole point of the thought I had that day.
Picture this. Priority #1, "The Lord," was written in purple at the top of the sheet of paper. No sooner had my brush left the paper than the dripping paint from the letters I had written began their slow and steady descent to the bottom.
Then I painted Priority #2, "John," my husband. His color was orange. Now orange paint was also running down the sheet ... blending into the purple from above.
Next came Priority #3, "The Boys." Their color was blue. The blue's downward flow was colored by the purple and orange previously painted.
The same was true with Priority #4, "My Work," painted in green.
And Priority #5, "Other Good Things," was done in red.
The paper I saw in my mind that day was both messy and beautiful. The colors had all raced to the bottom of the sheet. All the words I had written were touched by the paint from words above them on the list. Each thing on my list of priorities was colored or influenced by the things with a higher ranking. My decisions about my work had to be made by considering the more important, higher ranking things in my life-the things above it. So, how did I come up with the order on my list? I found this ranking in the Word of God.
The Top Priority
One of my sons was doing a survey for his high school Fellowship of Christian Athletes group. He asked me, "Mom, why do you obey God?"
I answered without hesitation, "Because I love Him."
"Oh, come on, Mom," he retorted. "That's what you're supposed to say. Why do you really obey Him?"
My answer remained the same although I added that initially in my relationship with the Lord, my obedience was probably prompted as much as or more by fear than anything else. As that relationship grew, the motivation was largely love.
The Lord is number one on the chart. God deserves and desires to be first. Recently a friend was telling me his reasoning for following the commands of God. "That is a way we can please God," he commented.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Do Your Kids a Favor ... Love Your Spouse by Kendra Smiley John Smiley Copyright © 2008 by Kendra Smiley. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Foreword 11
Introduction
Here Comes the Bride 13
1. Priorities:
First Things First 17
2.. Gender Differences:
Men and Women Are Different. Boy, Are They Different! 37
3. Personality Differences:
Why Did I Marry Someone So Strange? 57
4. Unpacking the Baggage
What Did I Pack Besides Lingerie? 75
5. Family Traditions:
You Call THAT Normal? 91
6. Identity Theft:
Can Someone Really Steal It? 103
Conclusion:
The Fifteen-Year Plan 115
Appendix:
God's Plan of Salvation 117
Acknowledgments 119
What People are Saying About This
Kendra Smiley is talking my language in Do Your Kids a Favor...Love Your Spouse. In her breezy, humorous, inimitable style, Kendra forces us to think afresh about how important a solid marriage is to our kids' well-being. Way beyond fun and funny, which we always get from her, Kendra hammers home easily digested truth.-Jerry B. JenkinsKendra Smiley does it again! All her books are filled with practical, godly, wisdom that will make a difference in your family's life. This one is my favorite because it's what I needed to hear most.-Paul Baloche, songwriter, worship artistAdvice is easily dispensed but wisdom is hard to find, particularly when it comes to raising kids. With bookstore shelves lined with mere advice, do yourself a favor and read the wise counsel Kendra and John Smiley have provided in Do Your Kids a Favor...Love Your Spouse. This thoroughly biblical, intensely practical, and refreshingly honest book, if followed, will make your marriage strong and your kids secure.-Dr. Michael Rydelnik, Professor of Jewish Studies, Moody Bible Institute Chicago, ILI'm so thankful that Kendra has locked on to a key truth that many seem to ignore. When you love your spouse first and foremost, it's amazing how much security that gives to your children. Kendra is never afraid to tell it like it is.-Anita Lustrea, Host & Executive Producer Midday ConnectionA big thumbs-up to the Smileys for writing this book! Yes, we do our children a huge favor when we love our spouses well. We also illustrate for them the incredible love and faithfulness of God. Thank you, John and Kendra for sharing your beautiful marriage with all of us so that we too can provide a rock-solid foundation of love for our children and grandchildren.-Wayne Rice, Co-founder of Youth Specialties, Founder of HomeWord Understanding Your Teenagers seminarsThis is a delightfully encouraging and inspiring book. Live by this advice and your kids will thank you. Kendra and John live what they write about.-Jim Burns, Ph.D., President, HomeWord, Author of Creating An Intimate Marriage and Confident ParentingKendra and John shed light and wisdom intertwined with humor while they describe not only the benefits of loving your spouse but its imperative nature in raising our children and equipping them for life.-Denise Zook, Wife of University of Illinois Footbal Coach Ron ZookI have known Kendra and John for well over twenty years, and they have always been an inspiration to me in so many ways. Their passion for Christ and their desire to share Him with teenagers is compelling. Their marriage and family life has been a great example for me. I am so glad they have decided to share what God has taught them over the years with us. This book is great, full of truths, and can help anyone at any stage in a marriage. Thank you, Kendra, for allowing God to use you and your personal life lessons in such a teachable ways for others.-Elisa Cupples, mother of four; married to Brian for eleven yearsWhether you're a sparky sanguine or perfect melancholy, John and Kendra provide practical advice on everything from personality differences to family traditions. And they carefully handle the delicate issue of unpacking the baggage we all bring into marriage. I highly recommend this book.-Florence Littauer, Speaker and AuthorMost of us think of doing favors for our friends. But what about doing a favor for your own children? Kendra and John are here to guide you in giving your kids the best possible favor to love your spouse. Drawing from their own unique backgrounds and perspective, they give great guidance to parents. John's wrap-up of each chapter from The Resident Dad's perspective is worth the price of the book. Want the best for your child? Love your spouse!-Carole Lewis, First Place 4 Health National DirectorThere are many books on parenting, but John and Kendra Smiley's Do Your Kids a Favor...Love Your Spouse is the one you will find yourself buying for couples who need encouragement, practical wisdom, and a healthy perspective from a mom's and dad's perspective. The stories will grab your heart, but the unique aspect of this book is that male and female hang-ups, priorities, differences, expectations, mistakes, and solutions are woven together in a way that will make your marriage stronger while you learn how to become a better parent. The couples who work through the section at the end of each chapter will find themselves closer than they've ever been before as they discover how to raise kids right.-Carol Kent, Speaker and Author, A New Kind of NormalI've been married going on 18 years and it's funny when you find yourself saying, "Yeah...that's exactly how it is!" I think this book cuts right to the chase and tells us how it is and how intertwined our relationships are with not only our spouse but with the Lord. And how important is it for our children to have that loving relationship between Mom and Dad? I have a 14-year-old and I know firsthand how his world is anchored in that safety net. Do you have an issue with your husband or wife? Do you feel like he or she doesn't understand? Grab this book and read a few pages...your question may just be answered along with several others.-Scott Andresen, Assistant News Director, WICD-TV Champaign, ILAs parents we do so much to prepare our kids for a successful life...from after-school sports activities, to music lessons, to college prep courses while they're still in elementary school! But who would have thought that loving your spouse could have THE MOST significant impact on their lives today and beyond? Well, thank goodness Kendra Smiley did! In a world where the stability and security of family life is no longer the solid foundation kids can build their lives upon, Kendra, along with her husband, John, turn personal stories, spiritual wisdom and down-to-earth humor into practical advice that will transform ANY household. A book no family should be without.-Kelly Morgan, Co-host of The Harvest Show, LeSEA BroadcastingEvery parentneeds to read this book! Most of us make the mistake of putting our children before our spouse unaware of the damage it causes in our marriage relationship. In their honest, straightforward, and humorous way John and Kendra Smiley share the secret of keeping your marriage a priority in the midst of raising a family.-Jill Savage, Executive Director of Hearts at Home and author of Is There Really Sex After Kids?Whether you want to prepare for family, improve or rebuild your present family relationships, this book is on target. Kendra and John give you the tools you need to encourage a closeness between you and your spouse that will steady the legs of any family unit!-J. Otis Ledbetter, Senior Pastor, Sonrise Church, Clovis, CA and Co-Founder, Heritage Builders AssociationI love reading Kendra's books because they are so practical and simple to apply to my own life. Do Your Kids a Favor...is no different. Kendra and John did a great job with this book. It was like I was reading a parenting and a marriage book all wrapped into one. I will definitely recommend this one to my friends.-Elizabeth Alt, Wife of Nathan, mother of four (with one on the way)I have advised my sons that to be a good father you have to be a better husband. This book clearly demonstrates the need for parents to focus their relationships on God, spouse, and children in that order. If these ideals are adopted by parents, their children would have a better ability to overcome life's challenges.-D.J. Bushue, husband of Jennifer, father of two sonsKendra's book was a very practical and encouraging read. As a mother of four young children I was reminded of how important my relationship with my husband is, and encouraged by the practical suggestions that will not only help our marriage and kids now, but will give our kids a head start in their relationships with their spouses and children in the future. A great book for those with children and those planning on having children!-Mindy LaBerge, Wife and mother of four"I love this message! Parents can sometimes feel guilty for taking the time to be a couple within marriage. DYKAF is like spending time with a wise friend of long-standing—satisfying, helpful and fun! A blessing for blended families like mine, with solid support for putting your marriage first to the benefit of your children. Sound advice and strong direction for couples who desire a more loving, parent-led family life."-Kim Jeffries, Host, Along the Way, Faith and Radio Network