middle age n. 1. Spending one year's disposable income on vinyl figures, only to realize a complete He-Man collection isn't going to make your current life any better. Beast Man and Cyclops don't give a fuck about you or your failing marriage. 2. Resolving to die empty and alone. 3. Death showing up at your office door in need of a vacation. 4. Designing goods for Death that inspire consumer-driven fatalities-faulty steering mechanisms, toxic dishwasher detergent inserts that look like jumbo fruit snacks-anything that will help tip people over the edge before Death has to pursue them. 5. Waking to find your house chock-full of the merchandise you created, merchandise designed to kill. Now everything from pouring your cereal to activating your car's cigarette lighter has become a death trap. Yet as your world falls apart, no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to fucking die.
