Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? (Foreword by Joshua Harris): Trusting God with a Hope Deferred

by Carolyn McCulley, Joshua Harris (Foreword by)

Overview

Through personal anecdotes and careful examination of Scripture, Carolyn McCulley challenges single women to regard their singleness not as a burden, but as a gift from God that allows them to perform a unique role in the body of Christ.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781433517297
Publisher:	Crossway
Publication date:	06/17/2004
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	224
File size:	657 KB

About the Author

Carolyn McCulley is a speaker, filmmaker, and award-winning author. In 2009, she founded Citygate Films, where she works as a producer, director, and editor.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

"You're Still Single?"

The LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.

PSALM 84:11

* * *

I stood outside in the crisp autumn night, rekindling twenty-year-old memories. As I hesitated, numerous laughing couples passed through the hotel doors. Would I be the only one attending my high school reunion alone?

Taking a deep breath and exhaling a brief prayer, I opened the door and strode purposefully to my target — a paper-skirted table with multiple rows of plastic nametags. With a sigh I pinned on the evidence: Twenty years had passed since high school, and my name was unchanged.

I was still single.

Back home various friends were praying for me — that I would be gracious, focused on others, and above all, that I would have evangelistic opportunities. My goals were much smaller: Keep smiling, keep moving, and keep the mascara in place. No tears, no quivering lower lip, no self-pity.

With a practiced smile, I entered the reunion, a collision of high school trauma and middle-aged reality. The music was loud, the lighting dim. Thankfully, the nametags were in large print, sporting our graduation pictures. I marveled at the number of people I never would have recognized without the tag.

I was making my way toward some familiar faces when I heard my name half-shouted, half-slurred on my right. Turning toward the sound, I was greeted by an exhaled puff of beery breath from lips O-shaped in surprise and disbelief.

"Carolyn McCULLEY? Is that right? You're still single?!"

I looked at the unfamiliar bloodshot eyes and then stole a quick glance at his nametag. I barely recalled this man.

Dear God, please give me the grace I need to make it through tonight.

"Yes, I am." Smile. Look him in the eyes. Be gracious. "It's so kind of you to remember me. Where are you living now? Did you have to travel long to get here?"

After a few moments of small talk, I moved on to mingle elsewhere. The participants changed, but the questions didn't vary: So what's a nice girl like you doing still single? Why aren't you married? Didn't you want to get married? How's the single life these days — do you still have to hang out in bars to meet men?

It was a singularly long night.

UNHELPFUL QUESTIONS

Extended singleness ushers in a season of difficult questions — questions for which few gracious and informative answers exist. (My definition for extended singleness is one day past the marriage of a close high school friend, your younger sister, or even your own niece or nephew.) Being single also requires a healthy sense of humor. This Top Ten list is from my witty friend Vivian Saavedra:

Top ten things never to say to a single woman at a wedding ...

1. You're next.

2. Why aren't you married?

3. Maybe you should lose some weight.

4. What about (insert name here)? He's a nice boy.

5. You're next.

6. Maybe you're called to singleness.

7. Can you baby-sit tonight?

8. Did you ever consider being a missionary?

9. Just don't think about marriage, and it will happen.

10. You're next.

"Why aren't you married?" Here's a common question, usually posed by a brand-new acquaintance. Believing the best, I must assume they ask because they are genuinely interested in my situation. But because I often lack a good, pithy answer to one of life's mysteries, it feels like a tabloid reporter's inquiry to uncover what's really wrong with me.

"Don't you want to get married?" Shortly after my fortieth birthday, a college friend wondered whether I was really serious about getting married. She wanted to know why I wasn't more proactive about achieving that goal. Had I considered Internet dating? I couldn't just sit around and expect it to happen. She was trying to be helpful, to express her care. But her words fueled a slow boil of despair in my soul.

"Don't the guys in your church want to get married?" The only way to answer this one is with another question: "Why don't you ask them?"

I'm sure the people who ask these questions don't mean to embarrass me. Still I find myself awkwardly fumbling for an appropriate answer.

The questions others ask, however, can't compare to the kinds of questions that bubble up from within me during a lonely moment at a wedding or late at night when the house is still but the emotions rage: "Does God really know what He's doing? Is He really in control? Can I trust Him with my desires? Has He forgotten me?"

Godward Answers

If you've ever been asked those questions, you have my sympathy. And if you've responded graciously, you have my respect. Well done! But if you opened this book hoping to find a specific, concrete answer to your own situation, then let me first introduce you to a mystery.

There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden.

(Prov. 30:18-19 NIV)

This biblical passage shows us that there are things too amazing, too wonderful for even a wise man to understand. Now you may say to yourself that modern science can explain the first three items. What's the big deal? Number four still has us though. Wise men and women remain confounded by the mystery of attraction and romance. We really don't know why some relationships bud and bloom, and others do not. It takes humility — a sober recognition of our limitations — to be comfortable with that mystery.

I hope you're not tempted to close the book right now because I have some good news for you: There is One who does know.

We don't know the ways of the heart, but God does. He perfectly under-stands the things that are too amazing for us to understand. He created the eagle, the snake, the high seas, and men and women. He knows how every-thing operates, and nothing is a mystery to Him.

Even better, He is lovingly involved in His creation — with the eagles, the snakes, the ships, and also our wily hearts. He didn't just make us all and then stand back to have a good laugh. He is Lord over His creation, lovingly ruling over all things to accomplish His purposes — even (especially!) in the affairs of the heart: "The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will" (Proverbs 21:1).

Are you tracking with me here? This means if the Lord can direct the heart of an absolute monarch, He can certainly turn the affections of our future husbands to us.

(Silence.)

(Crickets: brrrpp, brrrppp.)

"Uh ... well, does that mean God is holding out on us?" you might ask.

It can feel that way, can't it? But only if you forget whose heart He has already changed — yours. If you are a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, if your life has been radically changed by a personal relationship with Him, then you know this to be true. He softened your once hardened, rebellious heart and gave you affection for His Word and His people. You may remember what you were like before your Christian conversion. I certainly remember what I was like! I mocked Christians. They made no sense to me.

I didn't know I needed a Savior, but that wasn't a mystery to God. I didn't know then that my heart needed to be changed, but that wasn't a mystery to God — nor was it impossible for Him to do. What we can't control, what we don't even understand, is clear to Him. As hard as it can be at times to be single, doesn't that put it all in perspective?

Dear friends, the whole Bible testifies of God's faithfulness to us even in the face of our own faithlessness to Him. God has not forgotten anything at all. The gentle words of my pastor, C. J. Mahaney, are a good reminder: "Your greatest need is not a spouse. Your greatest need is to be delivered from the wrath of God — and that has already been accomplished for you through the death and resurrection of Christ. So why doubt that God will provide a much, much lesser need? Trust His sovereignty, trust His wisdom, trust His love."

A Better Question

So the infamous question about why we're not married is the wrong question to ask. It implies lack. But our heavenly Father has said He withholds no good thing from His children (Ps. 84:11; Matt. 7:11). The better question to ask ourselves is: What is God doing with and through my singleness?

Maybe this perspective is all new to you. If you're uncertain of the statement I just made, or if you're not entirely sure what the gospel really is (and I remember what that was like), then I encourage you to read the Afterword at the end of this book before you read further. That's the foundation for this book, and the rest of the chapters will make a lot more sense after you read the Afterword.

Maybe the gospel doesn't confuse you, but you're living as though it doesn't make much difference in your life. You don't see how God could possibly have any purpose for your being single, and you're wondering what you have to do to "earn" the privilege of marriage.

Maybe you don't trust God to bless you. You look at your life and wonder at what age you need to shut down hope and start making long-term goals for solitary confinement — oops, that's singleness, of course.

Maybe you say you're content now, but your actions and decisions reveal that you are really waiting for your life to begin when a man comes along.

Maybe you are still young, and you've only recently started to wonder if you are going to get married. But you see lots of older, discontented single women around you, and you're hoping this book will tell you how to make sure you don't end up like them.

Maybe you'd honestly say you fit that description — an older, discontented single woman — and you have no idea how to change.

Maybe you just want to know what God has planned for your future so you could prepare for either marriage or singleness (because you would not prepare the same way, right?).

Maybe none of the above applies to you. You love the Lord, and His gospel is precious to you, but you need to be encouraged in how to apply His Word to your daily life as a single woman.

For all of you, may you find in these pages some answers and a sympathetic friend. As we go along on this journey together, I'm not offering myself as a role model for "successful" singleness. But I have been the beneficiary of much rich, grace-filled teaching that has deeply affected my life, and I want to refract that through the prism of single adulthood. I hope if you ever receive a high school reunion invitation, and you are unmarried, that this book will help you respond with true joy — not ashamed of what God has done in your life throughout the intervening years.

So let's ask ourselves the better question: What is God doing with and through our singleness? If your answer begins with "Uhmm ..." and then a long pause, I pray you'll continue to read. I believe there is much encouragement ahead!

* In the next chapter, we'll look at why God calls singleness a gift. We'll examine the definition, value, purpose, and context of this gift.

* In the third chapter, we'll explore why God is worthy of our trust as He sovereignly, wisely, and lovingly chooses which gifts to give and when.

* In the fourth chapter, we'll see that we don't need to know now whether we'll be ever be married in order to prepare for our futures. The Bible shows us, married or single, that the emphasis is on our femininity. Our preparation is the same in almost every respect.

* Chapters 5 and 6 will look at matters of the heart and our relation-ships with men.

* Then we'll spend the rest of this book exploring one worthy role model who shows us how to make the most of our femininity now.

My prayer as you read this book is the same one I prayed as I wrote it: Lord, please give me Your comfort, encouragement, and wisdom as I examine Your Word as a single woman. Impress it upon my heart that You are worthy of my complete trust, and change me as I study and write these truths about You.Then please use these words to inspire and edify my sisters — Your daughters — as they read. All to the praise of Your glory and for the advance of Your kingdom. I pray this in the compassionate and mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

CHAPTER 2

Esteeming The Gift

But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

1 CORINTHIANS 7:7

* * *

Mom blew out the lone birthday candle on her slightly lopsided, lumpy cake and then smiled at all of us. My sisters and I were just old enough to pitch in on family birthday celebrations, and as I recall, the cake was one of our first creations. I don't remember if it was any good, but I do remember how good it felt to do something for Mom for a change.

Although Mom had already opened all of her birthday gifts, my youngest sister suddenly announced there was one more. Darting upstairs, she scurried around in her room. Above our heads, we could hear the frantic movements of a four-year-old desperate to get a last-minute gift together. Moments later Beth came downstairs holding a heavily taped box with a hair ribbon wrapped around it.

Pleased with herself, she offered her gift to Mom, who opened it with surprise and delight, wondering aloud what it could be. Beth's smile broadened as Mom inspected the contents. It was a box of ... tissue wads — not used tissues but thoughtfully pre-wadded, clean ones — ready for any action-packed day with the kids. I remember my mother receiving that gift as if it was the best present anyone had ever given her. I also remember snickering, as a know-it-all oldest child often does. A box of tissue wads?! That's not a real present! I was evaluating only the "worth" of the gift and not my sister's motivation in giving it.

A few months later, it was Christmas. I was eight, and I had scraped together enough money to actually buy my first "real" gifts for my parents. I purchased them at our school holiday fair, an event created to help children buy inexpensive items for their families. Of all the items there, I selected an acrylic "thingy-do" to give my mother. I don't think there is any other name for it because there is no useful purpose for such an item. This particular thingy-do had a clear acrylic base with about ten black six-inch wires springing up from it. Each wire was topped by a colorful acrylic half-orb. That's it — a multicolored spray of acrylic blobs that swayed slightly in the breeze. No self-respecting household should be without one!

With my limited resources, this strange token of my affection was all I could afford. To her credit, Mom seemed just as delighted to receive the acrylic thingy-do as she was the box of tissue wads. At least my father, the pilot, got a model airplane made out of nuts and bolts. They received these gifts with sincere appreciation and effusive thanks, a sincerity that is evidenced by the fact that both of these items are still in my parents' family room.

In both cases, we gift-givers were limited by our resources, abilities, and even taste. We wanted to give something extravagant, but we presented token gifts instead.

God's Gift Of Singleness

This is how I can think about gifts when I consider the biblical passage that calls singleness a gift (1 Cor. 7). Calling marriage a gift doesn't surprise me. I understand that. Over the years, I've tried to beg, bribe, borrow, and buy that gift. It simply can't be done! I am now convinced I must wait to receive it. But how and when did I get this gift of singleness? I don't recall putting it on my "wish list" or asking anyone to give it to me. I don't remember opening it up and saying, "Ooohh, thank you! Singleness! How did you know? It's perfect!" No, this is how I have viewed singleness: While others walk down the wedding aisle to receive the golden gift of marriage, I'm standing to the side, sullenly holding my useless thingy-do of singleness. (Unlike my mother, I'm not even grateful to get it.)

When we talk about gifts, it's easy to think about them in self-centered, human terms. We evaluate whether we like a particular gift and want to keep it or return it. We at times wonder if the giver spent much money or effort on the gift. We consider whether we would ever use it. To call singleness a gift certainly opens the door for more questions — legitimate questions. Why does the Bible call it a gift? Is it the gift I will always have? And for what good purpose could singleness be given anyway?

This is why we're going to start this book with a discussion of the gift of singleness, as controversial as that can be. I bet you are used to thinking of yourself as I do: "I'm a single woman." The first word that describes you is single. The second is woman. I believe the Bible would put it the other way around. But because culturally we've been camped out on singleness, let's start there.

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?"
by .
Copyright © 2004 Carolyn McCulley.
Excerpted by permission of Good News Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS,
FOREWORD BY JOSHUA HARRIS,
PREFACE,
PART ONE SURVEYING S INGLENESS,
1 "YOU'RE STILL SINGLE?" Hard questions, Godward answers,
2 ESTEEMING THE GIFT Why the Bible calls singleness a gift and for what purpose,
3 GOD'S QUIET PROVIDENCE God is still working when nothing seems to be happening,
PART TWO FINDING A GUIDE FOR RELATIONSHIPS IN THE PROVERBS 31 WOMAN,
4 A WOMAN OF NOBLE CHARACTER The priceless worth of a virtuous woman,
5 DO HIM GOOD ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE Why guarding your heart before marriage matters,
6 RESPECTED AT THE CITY GATE Observing and serving the men around you,
PART THREE FINDING A GUIDE FOR DAILY LIFE IN THE PROVERBS 31 W OMAN,
7 FOOD FROM AFAR Having a love for the home and hospitality when you're often gone,
8 OUT OF HER EARNINGS Wisdom in the workplace with an eye on eternity,
9 THE BLESSING OF CHILDREN Investing in the next generation,
10 DECEPTIVE CHARM The heart issues of beauty, aging, and worldliness,
11 WISE SPEECH The impact of women's words for building up or tearing down,
12 REACHING OUT TO THE NEEDY Subduing self-centeredness through serving others,
13 LAUGHING AT THE TIME TO COME How to finish well in a youth-oriented world,
AFTERWORD: WHAT IS THIS GOOD NEWS?,
NOTES,