Determined To Be Dad: A Journey of Faith, Resilience, and Love

by Steve Disselhorst

Overview

Steve's life has been consumed with the quest to create a family. As a boy raised Catholic in the Midwest, he grew up thinking he was straight and would marry a woman and have children. When he was confronted with his attraction to men and the eventual realization that he was gay, he gave up that dream of having a family and chose the route of gay singledom. As the times changed and he gained greater self-acceptance, he re-ignited his dream for a family and started the arduous journey toward parenthood. 

Determined To Be Dad chronicles his trials and tribulations of self-discovery to acceptance to building a new reality and, finally, to the joys of creating his own family through adoption. With this tender and painful story, Steve offers his journey as a tribute to his desire for familial connection, overcoming self-imposed handicaps, and facing the harsh realities of two men trying to create a family. This is the story of faith, resilience, and the ubiquitous need for love and family.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781951591120
Publisher:	Steve Disselhorst
Publication date:	03/17/2020
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	236
File size:	2 MB

Table of Contents

Preface xv

PART 1-EARLY YEARS

Chapter 1 The Beginning 3

Chapter 2 Escaping Corporal Punishment 11

Chapter 3 Growing Up 21

Chapter 4 From Lounge Life to Frat Life 29

Chapter 5 Exploring Europe and My Sexuality 35

PART 2-COMING OUT

Chapter 6 Identity Crisis 53

Chapter 7 The Impact of the AIDS Epidemic 61

Chapter 8 Finding True Love 73

PART 3-EXPLORING PARENTING

Chapter 9 Surrogacy or Adoption? 85

Chapter 10 The Ups and Downs of Adoption 97

Chapter 11 First Birth Mother Contact 101

Chapter 12 Being Scammed 105

Chapter 13 Questioning Ourselves 109

Chapter 14 Easter Week Gift 117

PART 4-FOREVER FAMILY

Chapter 15 Our Daughter Is Born 125

Chapter 16 Parenting Begins 135

Chapter 17 Waiting for Relinquishments 141

Chapter 18 Taking Shape as a Family 147

Chapter 19 Expanding Our Family 153

Chapter 20 Our Son Arrives 161

Chapter 21 Birth Mother Re-emerges 169

Chapter 22 Incomplete Family Search 175

Chapter 23 Reunification Services Extended 183

Chapter 24 Mandatory Visit Missed 191

Chapter 25 Second Adoption Finalizes 199

Chapter 26 Our New Life 203

Resources 205

References 209

Acknowledgments 211

About Steve Disselhorst 215

Editorial Reviews

• "In this debut memoir, a writer recounts his journey to parenthood despite his initial fears that gay men could not have children. As a child, Disselhorst thought his life would follow the traditional arc of a Roman Catholic boy from the Midwest: grow up, fall in love with a woman, get married, raise a family. "It was part of the fabric of my being from the beginning of my life," he remembers early in the book. "This desire to be a parent felt predetermined, like the color of my eyes and the way I walked." But as he came to terms with his budding gay sexuality, he assumed that the life of a family man was simply not in the cards for him. Beginning with his first relationships with men in college, he began to come to terms with his life as a single gay man: one of money, travel, and new experiences. Even so, that drive to be a father never went away, and as the times changed--and as Disselhorst matured--he began to envision the sort of family he always wanted. With this book, he recalls his odyssey through the process of self-discovery, monogamy, gay marriage,adoption, and, ultimately, the much-coveted fatherhood with his husband, Lorevic, and their two children. Disselhorst's prose is simple and earnest as he describes his evolution from a curious, if timid, teen to a confident, empathetic man:"The experience of engaging with these heterosexual couples struggling with fertility reminded me of the normal bonds that bring humanity together. These couples were experiencing many of the same feelings that I had experienced as a gay man trying to figure out my identity. The shame and loss were universal." It's an oddly calming work despite the ups and downs of the author's life. He rarely expresses anger, and his commitment to family and personal growth are pleasantly altruistic. The memoir is perhaps not a particularly literary one, but it contains a great deal of information on the adoption process--valuable for would-be parents of all stripes--as well as a chronicle of how the social position of gay men has changed so much since Disselhorst's generation came of age. A bighearted account of identity and parenthood." --Kirkus Review

• "Millennial LGBTQ people are looking at creating families at a much higher rate than previous generations and still face some of the same roadblocks. Steve's story of coming out and then his odyssey of creating his family is a must-read for anyone pondering their own journey of becoming a parent. Steve provides both practical information about the hoops he jumped through during the process and his stories of self-discovery that brought him to the realization that he could be a father." -Rev. Stan J. Sloan, CEO, Family Equality

• "Steve's journey of becoming a dad demonstrates the human experience of wanting to belong and the need for resilience to be our authentic selves. He writes of many intersectional experiences where he finds commonality with different communities and how those experiences have shaped his life. I highly recommend Determined To Be Dad for anyone facing roadblocks on their journey of self-discovery." -Carin Taylor, Chief Diversity Officer, Workday

• "As more companies create inclusive policies and cultures that are fully supportive of LGBTQ employees, it is inevitable that more queer people will be creating families. Steve's journey of building his family and navigating his career in corporate America provides a great testament to what's possible when everyone is encouraged to be authentic. LGBTQ professionals considering becoming parents must read this book." -Erin Uritus, CEO, Out & Equal Workplace Advocates

From the Publisher

2020-07-08
In this debut memoir, a writer recounts his journey to parenthood despite his initial fears that gay men could not have children.

As a child, Disselhorst thought his life would follow the traditional arc of a Roman Catholic boy from the Midwest: grow up, fall in love with a woman, get married, raise a family. “It was part of the fabric of my being from the beginning of my life,” he remembers early in the book. “This desire to be a parent felt predetermined, like the color of my eyes and the way I walked.” But as he came to terms with his budding gay sexuality, he assumed that the life of a family man was simply not in the cards for him. Beginning with his first relationships with men in college, he began to come to terms with his life as a single gay man: one of money, travel, and new experiences. Even so, that drive to be a father never went away, and as the times changed—and as Disselhorst matured—he began to envision the sort of family he always wanted. With this book, he recalls his odyssey through the process of self-discovery, monogamy, gay marriage, adoption, and, ultimately, the much-coveted fatherhood with his husband, Lorevic, and their two children. Disselhorst’s prose is simple and earnest as he describes his evolution from a curious, if timid, teen to a confident, empathetic man: “The experience of engaging with these heterosexual couples struggling with fertility reminded me of the normal bonds that bring humanity together. These couples were experiencing many of the same feelings that I had experienced as a gay man trying to figure out my identity. The shame and loss were universal.” It’s an oddly calming work despite the ups and downs of the author’s life. He rarely expresses anger, and his commitment to family and personal growth are pleasantly altruistic. The memoir is perhaps not a particularly literary one, but it contains a great deal of information on the adoption process—valuable for would-be parents of all stripes—as well as a chronicle of how the social position of gay men has changed so much since Disselhorst’s generation came of age.

A bighearted account of identity and parenthood.

Kirkus Reviews