Interviews
On Sunday, October 19, 1997, barnesandnoble on AOL welcomed Dave Barry, whose hilarious column on contemporary life, which appears in several hundred newspapers nationwide, has been a favorite of readers for 15 years. DAVE BARRY IS FROM MARS AND VENUS is the latest "best of" collection from this Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist and bestselling author.
JainBN: Mr. Barry, thanks so much for joining us tonight. We're brimming with audience questions, so, if it's all right with you, we're going to turn our attention to them.
Dave Barry: Yes!
Question: If you're from Mars and Venus, what does that say about your readers?
Dave Barry: I need to think of an answer here.... It means they have $22 apiece. Or they are just reading the book in the cashier's line, and they will put it back before they get to the register.
Question: If you could ask Hillary Clinton any question and get an honest-to-God answer from her, what would it be? Same for Madonna.
Dave Barry: The question would be the same for both women: "What should I do about my hair?"
Question: I loved DAVE BARRY SLEPT HERE. I use it to introduce people to history. Will you be running for president in 2000?
Dave Barry: I am always running for president. I am not one of the wienies who drop out of the race just because they lose the election.
Question: Do you get most of your ideas from your fans through your fan mail?
Dave Barry: I get a lot of ideas from the readers, and some of my ideas I think up my own self. Those are the ones that aren't so funny.
Question: What's a typical day in the life of Dave Barry?
Dave Barry: Well, I get up and commit numerous acts of hygiene. This followed by breakfast, which is followed by lunch, which is followed by dinner, which is followed by more acts of hygiene and then bed. Sometimes, I also write columns. But I want to stress that the key to everything is hygiene.
Question: If you were to write a full-length novel, what would it be about?
Dave Barry: It would be about 300 pages.
Question: What is by far the zaniest thing you've ever written about?
Dave Barry: Oh, man.... There's really no one thing. I just wrote a column about grown men who build five-foot-long remote-controlled boats equipped with canons, and they tried to sink each other's boats. That seems pretty weird to me. Of course, so does the federal government.
Question: How old were you when you realized you had "the comedy touch"?
Dave Barry: I always had to survive socially by making people laugh. I'm convinced this was the only thing that kept me from getting beaten up in junior high school.
Question: Just wondering if you've ever written about Martha Stewart and if you think she's a little nuts.
Dave Barry: I think Martha is a goddess. I have a shrine to her in my kitchen.
Question: I have a few questions: (1) When's the next Tropic Hunt? (2) Are you going to do a "Bad Songs" follow-up book? (3) Why aren't you watching the Marlins game?
Dave Barry: 1) November 9. 2) No. 3) I am.
Question: I always wondered, how can comedians, or comics, be funny when they have a deadline? What if their minds go blank when a piece is due?
Dave Barry: One of the most useful attributes of a humorist is a blank mind. Since we have no useful skills or sense of shame, we're willing to say virtually anything that will make people laugh because we know that the alternative would be to get a real job.
Question: What's the best perk of writing a syndicated column?
Dave Barry: You can do it in your underwear.
Question: Dave, is it true you are politically a libertarian, and if so, how much to have coffee with you?
Dave Barry: Yes. We're not the kind of low-life sleazeballs who can be had for a cup of coffee. For people of our lofty moral stature, you have to buy beer.
Question: Of all of the books you've written, which is your favorite?
Dave Barry: I would have to say MOBY DICK.
Question: What inspired you to be a humorist instead of a current-events reporter?
Dave Barry: My hair.
Question: What was it like covering the Olympics? More fun than the Beltway? What's your favorite Olympic sport and why?
Dave Barry: Synchronized swimming, because you know that no matter what the outcome is, it doesn't matter.
Question: Dave, do you have any phobias?
Dave Barry: I really am afraid that someday a waiter will bring me clams.
Question: Do you have to be alone to create your columns?
Dave Barry: Pretty much. Usually my wife is in the room with me when I write, but she's writing too. So I'm not alone. But it's pretty solitary. Sometimes, Elvis joins us.
Question: Do you feel that humor is an antidote for overcoming tragedy in life?
Dave Barry: It may be, but mainly I feel that it's a way to make a living when you are pretty much incompetent at everything else.
Question: Do you read many books, and if so, what type of books do you read?
Dave Barry: I read a sort of random selection -- I just finished COLD MOUNTAIN, and I'm reading DEADWOOD by Pete Dexter. Also, of course, I constantly reread the entire works of Marcel Proust.
Question: Dave, newspapers are getting more and more glossy. What do you think about this? Will papers ever go away? What do you think of the color in
The New York Times?
Dave Barry: I think that The New York Times has lost its mind. The next thing we know, The New York Times will be including drugs in the Arts section. I, for one, look forward to this period.
Question: How much time do you spend in chat rooms? Are you ever an anonymous lurker?
Dave Barry: I have done that, but I find that after a while, you get tired of trying to get anybody to answer you.
Question: Why the title DAVE BARRY IS FROM MARS AND VENUS? Did you read the John Gray book and find it kind of whacked?
Dave Barry: No. The title is actually a compromise. I wanted to call the book ARMPIT NOISES FROM THE HEART. The publisher wanted to call it a whole bunch of dumb things. We ended up with this title, which I tried to explain in the introduction to the book, but I frankly have no idea what it means. I'll probably get sued.
Question: How much time do you spend working on your columns each day?
Dave Barry: I write for five or six hours a day, although not always columns.
Question: Is it true you're in a rock band with Stephen King, Amy Tan, and Barbara Kingsolver? I can't begin to imagine all of you in the same room!
Dave Barry: Yes, the band is called the Rockbottom Remainders, and all of those people have played in it at one time or another. We play what Roy Blount Jr. calls "hard listening music." We play about once a year. The problem is we never practice.
Question: What ran through your head when you heard you'd won the Pulitzer for commentary?
Dave Barry: What ran through my head was that maybe I would no longer be allowed to write booger jokes. Fortunately, this did not prove to be a condition of receiving the Pulitzer Prize.
Question: I read you were a reporter for a local paper after graduating college, but that it didn't impress you. When did you decide to stop reporting the news the old-fashioned way and begin writing about topics that interested you?
Dave Barry: Actually, I really loved being a reporter for a daily newspaper in Pennsylvania called -- and I am not making this name up -- The Daily Local News. In some ways, it was the most fun job I ever had.
Question: As one of your former Burger writing students I hardly ever use the word "enclosed" more than four times in a sentence anymore. What other tips do you have for us aspiring writers?
Dave Barry: Make sure that every paragraph contains the word "aforementioned."
Question: When did you first decide that humor is what you wanted to write?
Dave Barry: The day after I was born.
Question: If it weren't for your readers sending in all those nifty keen items to you, would you still be funny?
Dave Barry: Well, I would find myself amusing, yes.
Question: Hi, Dave. You are the inspiration for my band, Nuances of Toast; our biggest hit is "Macarthur Park." What is your post-1992 all-time worst song? I have to say that I need the barf bag whenever the radio plays "Butterfly Kisses." Sometimes the radio plays this song even after I've turned it off. Maybe I need to quit drinking beer.
Question: If you hadn't become a writer, what do you suppose would have happened to you?
Dave Barry: I would probably be a highly paid underwear model.
Question: You often talk about the bugs in Florida. Are you afraid of them? Which ones are the worst?
Dave Barry: We have mosquitoes the size of helicopters. One bite from these mosquitoes and you'll have less blood in your body than you can fit in a Yoo-Hoo bottle.
Question: How long does it take you to write an essay? And could you create one now, before our very eyes? About, say, modern kitchen appliances?
Dave Barry: Thirty seconds. Sure, no problem. "Modern kitchen appliances. Is that a funny topic, or what? Booger."
Question: You do a marvelous job of consistently writing humorous columns. Do you have a particular writing process for churning out your columns each week?
Dave Barry: Yes. I say, "Oh no, if I don't send a column in today, Doris will kill me!" Doris is the office manager at Tropic magazine at The Miami Herald. I do what Doris says.
Question: Dear Dave, I don't care what Mrs. Belle Ehrlich of San Jose, CA, says. I love your hair! Can I have the clippings from your next haircut??
Dave Barry: Sure, I'll email them to you.
Question: Hey Dave, did you ever want to become a stand-up comedian?
Dave Barry: No.
Question: Dave, are you going to have a book tour? Where will you be stopping?
Dave Barry: For this book, it's mostly going to be by phone and satellite. (And I really hate when they put me in the satellite.) The only cities I'm going to in actual person are New York and Washington, D.C.
Question: Have you thought about creating a Web page of your columns?
Dave Barry: No. But many people have done this. These people know a lot about the Internet but very little about the copyright laws.
Question: David Koon, Atlanta, GA, here. I write humor for my high school paper. You are my idol. Any advice for someone who wants to follow in your footsteps? What major should I consider in college?
Dave Barry: I don't think any specific major will make you a better or worse columnist. I think the main thing is to read a lot and write a lot and try to get a job with the newspaper.
Question: Do you think you will ever retire? Or will you go on doing this forever?
Dave Barry: I think I'll keep on doing this forever, even long after I am dead. Look at William F. Buckley Jr.!
JainBN: Dave, thanks so much for joining us this evening, and best of luck with your new book!
Dave Barry: Thank you. And thanks to everybody who chose to do this instead of watching, or playing in, the World Series.
