Read an Excerpt
Part I: Strategies and Techniques for Talking
Chapter One
What is Good Communication?
We need to begin with a basic premise: good communication is effective communication. Communicating well means getting through to another person, having them hear you and appreciate the point or value of what you are saying. Communication can be instrumental, as when we ask a basic question "What do you want for dinner?" This sort of communication is heard fairly well by boys, and it's also their favorite type to use: "Pass the milk. Can I have 20 bucks? You gonna eat all them fries?" Generally, it's not hard for boys to communicate basic questions or statements. It's the other type of conversation - social communication - which poses a challenge for boys. This is a serious issue because most important communication is inherently social. We communicate because we want to connect with another person. For example, what do most of us do if we want to get to know another person better? What would you do if you wanted to build more trust into a relationship? What would you do if you wanted someone to better understand your thinking or emotions? Of course, you would talk to them! Communicating is what our instincts tell us to do when we want to be closer to someone, when we want a stronger relationship.
Just because adults want a stronger relationship, however, doesn't mean boys want the same. Mostly they are a little scared of getting too close to adults and would rather remain somewhat undercover. When they do communicate with adults, they typically do so with a specific purpose, and that approach goes right along with the "bottom line" psychology of boys. Often, teenage boys think to themselves, "I'll communicate when I want something." You've probably noticed that boys can be more relaxed when they talk with friends, but their behaviors are totally different when talking with adults.
Should we fight this tendency in boys, or get comfortable working with it? Definitely, the latter. Overcoming the distance between any two people begins with mutual acceptance. The longer we spend trying to bend people to our will, insisting that they think and act differently, the longer we will be frustrated. Even the youngest of boys is capable of a fiercely strong will, and it doesn't take much for a boy to win a communication war. He just stops talking!
I'm an optimist, and I'm going to assume you are flexible and willing to experiment with a different approach. First, let's agree that there is a degree of planning required to effectively communicate with boys. Let's also assume that the measure of whether our approach is working is how the boys respond. Sometimes that means giving us a signal that we've been heard, like raising their eyes to meet ours. Sometimes it amounts to more, like changing a behavior, or taking the initiative to do something without having to be reminded multiple times. (If you've ever met a boy under age 18, you are no doubt familiar with this challenge.) When we do get a response, it tells us we are building a bridge between our minds and theirs. Think of how a bridge can be used by people to advance or retreat. The key point of communicating with boys is to give them a bridge, a way to connect with us when they need to. Sure, at times they may choose to withdraw, but a well-built bridge will invite boys across time and again. To build this bridge, we must know something about the minds of boys, and that is largely the focus of Part I of this book. We will especially need to understand how listening style, apprehension, social awkwardness, and sometimes adolescent self-absorption, can be roadblocks to that bridge. It has become popular to refer to these problems as pathologies (diagnosable conditions), but the problem with that perspective is that it makes all of boyhood a "disease." I believe this is a serious problem - for us more than them.
Our number one priority is to get through to boys so that our support and guidance can fully register. Yet being an effective communicator has another important benefit: we become role models for boys so that in time they can replicate our good communication strategies. Good teachers use empathy and strategy to create a connection with their students all the time.
Whenever we are communicating well, we are also teaching.
Form and Content
I've already described two types of communication, instrumental and social, and emphasized that, in this book, we want to work on the social type. Communication also has two dimensions that are critical to remember: form and content. If we focus exclusively on the content of communication (what it is that we want to say), we lose awareness of the form of our communication. By form, I mean the way we say things (the tone, volume, and speed of our speech). I also mean how we use nonverbal signals like facial expressions and body language. Although most people focus intently on what they want to say, they pay much less attention to the way they speak. When we feel as though our words have been misunderstood, it's often the case that the tone of our speech, facial expressions, and body language told a different story than our words.
Major hint: It is the form of communication that resonates deeply for boys, and which they remember for hours and days after a conversation. This is Rule #1, and I’ll remind you of it often. Your tone is “louder” than your words. How you say things lingers longer than what you say.
Boys remember the way that you looked at them after reviewing a report card, and they remember the sound of your voice when you congratulated them after a sporting event, and how that way of speaking differed from the way you sounded after the school play. Most boys are sensitive to the tone of your voice, and the emotions conveyed by your face. By the way, it's not only an angry tone or look we need to think about. Boys are especially sensitive to signals that suggest they are not smart, or need to be treated like a "child." Even when you want to respond to their apparent immaturity, remember that you are building a relationship fueled by respect. More on this massively important topic later.
If I had a choice between giving you the skills to change the form of your communication or telling you exactly what to say, I would choose the former. (Fortunately, I'm going to have a chance to advise on both!) I think it would surprise many, but the truth is that boys listen better to people who take charge of the nonverbal signals in their communication. You have probably heard many times, in self-help books or on television, that nonverbal communication is as important as verbal communication. This is true, and in this book, I want to be very specific about what that means for communicating with boys. When we talk about vocal tone and nonverbal signaling, such as eye contact, I'll be emphasizing exactly how your voice and face "set the table" for great conversations.
Taking them seriously is the single most important and significant privilege you grant a young person.
Good communication also relies on emotional intelligence. Essentially, we must detect what other people are thinking or feeling and know how to respond to those thoughts and feelings. Everybody knows people who do this well, and there is usually at least one person in most families who has this type of intuition. An entire science of emotional intelligence (EQ) has emerged in research, and many books have been written on this topic. EQ begins with excellent self-awareness, and an understanding of how you come across to other people. As you work with the ideas in this book, I want you to become a student of your own communication. It's not enough to know that you effectively get through to people; I want you to become aware of what you're doing right, and when you're communicating well. It's that sort of awareness that takes you to the next level and inspires confidence and creativity. And, by the way, as you learn strategies for getting through to the important boys in your life, you'll notice that these skills are extremely helpful when it comes to communicating with others as well. Remember that your voice and speech are extensions of what is in your mind. Each of us knows this intuitively, which is why we pay such close attention to the way other people talk when we want to understand what they are thinking or feeling. This is also why people can sometimes become offended by another person's words: tone gives words an "edge." Most of us take communication very personally. Words are more than abstractions; they come from the deepest places of belief and emotion. That's why we go over another person's phrasing again and again in our mind - especially when there has been a conflict of some sort. As most of us have learned, it's hard to retract your words once they've been spoken. Boys may act indifferent to what we say, but they are absorbing the feeling of words and tone, and they're using those signals to draw conclusions about us.
