Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents: Powerful Strategies to Help Adult Children Maintain Boundaries and Stay Sane

by David M. Allen MD, Susan Heitler PhD (Foreword by)

Overview

Do you have a parent who is invalidating, critical, demanding, or hateful? In this important and much-needed guide, you’ll learn how to set boundaries; uncover the hidden motives behind your parent’s behavior; put a stop to repetitive, hurtful interactions; and foster healthier relationships.

There’s no sugarcoating it—if you grew up with a parent who made you feel invalidated or unloved as a child, your pain is very real. In some cases, you may decide that you want to remove this parent from your life, and that is a valid choice. But for many people, dealing with a problem parent becomes a necessary part of life, for whatever reason. If you’re one of these people, this book can help.

Written by a psychotherapist and expert in relationships, Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents will help you develop unique assertiveness strategies based on the characteristics of your own family dynamics. You’ll learn powerful communication skills to help you build boundaries and put a stop to your parent’s hurtful behavior. And, most importantly, you’ll learn to advocate for your own needs.

If you’ve “had it up to here” with a parent who makes you feel as though you’re just not good enough, this invaluable guide can help you put an end to toxic interactions while maintaining peace in your family.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781684030927
Publisher:	New Harbinger Publications
Publication date:	11/01/2018
Pages:	240
Sales rank:	621,325
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.60(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

David M. Allen, MD, is professor emeritus of psychiatry and former director of psychiatric residency training at The University of Tennessee Health Science Center in Memphis, TN. He is author of the book How Dysfunctional Families Spur Mental Disorders. He has carried out research on personality disorders, is a psychotherapy theorist, and is former associate editor of the Journal of Psychotherapy Integration. He is also author of three books for psychotherapists, as well as numerous journal articles and book chapters.

Foreword writer Susan Heitler, PhD, is a clinical psychologist whose publications—including The Power of Two and The Power of Two Workbook—have become classics in their fields. Heitler is a graduate of Harvard University and earned her doctorate from New York University.

Table of Contents

Foreword v

Introduction: Your Needs for Warmth and Acceptance 1

Part 1 What Is Going On?

1 Ways to Understand Your Parents' Behavior 9

2 How Have You Been Responding? 35

3 Gain Perspective by Considering Family History and Circumstances 53

Part 2 What Can I Do?

4 Prepare Yourself 83

5 Keep the Logic Straight 95

6 Anticipate the Seventeen Moves They May Make and Plan Your Countermoves 113

7 Bring Significant Others and Siblings on Board 149

Part 3 How Do We Shift Toward Warmth and Acceptance?

8 Initiate Constructive Conversations 167

9 Request Specific Changes 193

10 Overcome Habit and Relapse 205

Conclusion: You Can Grow Beyond Your Parents' Limitations 215

Acknowledgments 225

References 227

Interviews

Allen resides in Germantown, TN.

Editorial Reviews

Allen uses clear language and explicit examples to demonstrate an effective approach to dealing with difficult parental relationships (easily expandable to other relationships as well). Most impressively, this is done with a clear sense of the value of preserving these relationships and making them more fulfilling.”
—George Stricker, PhD, professor in the department of psychology at the American School of Professional Psychology at Argosy University, and author of Psychotherapy Integration and his most recent DVD Psychotherapy Integration Over Time

George Stricker

David Allen provides an insightful framework to understand the lasting impact that critical parents have on the life of their children, well into adulthood. He describes powerful strategies to help adult children overcome this heritage. Better yet, he does this with a warm, empathetic attitude that is a healing antidote to the emotional climate of their upbringing.”
—Serge Prengel, LMHC, editor, Somatic Perspectives on Psychotherapy

Serge Prengel

David Allen has successfully done what few academics can: write a readily understandable and highly practical book for the general public that truly has the potential to help those who come from dysfunctional families achieve more satisfying relationships with their families. With his uniquely scholarly, balanced, and integrative perspective, Allen offers many important questions and concrete exercises that will help the reader gain new understandings of why dysfunctional families do what they do, as well as how the reader can escape from those patterns and fulfill their potential without having to sever their bonds with their families. Highly recommended!”
—Andre Marquis, PhD, associate professor in the department of counseling and human development at University of Rochester, and author of several books, including Integral Psychotherapy

Andre Marquis

One of the most vexing problems that can challenge both patients and therapists is a dysfunctional family relationship. Although there are many approaches to this dilemma, Dave Allen’s book is a useful addition. It is clearly written and easy to follow. It uses vignettes to illustrate what otherwise might be difficult points to follow, and approaches the issue from a number of different perspectives. What I find most valuable about the book is the ability of a patient or non-patient to use it themselves. It can either be a self-help guide or can be used to accelerate psychotherapy. The book is definitely worth having in your therapeutic arsenal.”
—James Reich, MD, MPH, professor in the department of psychiatry at UCSF and Stanford Medical schools, and founder of the Association for Research in Personality Disorders (ARPD)

James Reich

David Allen’s book is an excellent guide for adult children who are trying to cope with difficult parents. In a clear and accessible style, he provides readers with a deep understanding of how children get tangled up in their parents’ styles of relating, and explains, with concrete and useful examples, what children can do differently to free themselves from this emotionally tangled web.”
—Gregg Henriques, PhD, professor of graduate psychology at James Madison University, and author of A New Unified Theory of Psychology

Gregg Henriques

11/15/2018

Integrative therapist Allen (How Dysfunctional Families Spur Mental Disorders) writes this book for all who have felt belittled, devalued, controlled, and pressured by their parents but still want to have a relationship with them. First offering insights into why repetitive and difficult interactions take place, followed by techniques and strategies to help readers move beyond the painful effects of dysfunction, Allen then illustrates the use of common "moves" on a parent's part, such as continuing to pick a fight. He then suggests the "countermove" of calling it out, among other beneficial advice. In comprehensively exploring all aspects of dysfunction, he creates real hope for struggling adult children. VERDICT Highly recommended for anyone who has suffered the effects of a dysfunctional family.

Library Journal