Read an Excerpt
Confirm Mentor Guide
Your Faith. Your Commitment. God's Call.
By Cokesbury Cokesbury
Copyright © 2016 Cokesbury
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-5018-2700-6
CHAPTER 1
What Is Confirmation?
I sometimes forget in my director role when I'm in the midst of signing teenagers up, making lesson plans, recruiting volunteers, and developing the schedule that confirmation is much more than just the details. The families we serve look at confirmation as a life event — a rite of passage. I remember a teen whose mom died of cancer two years prior to her getting confirmed and she left small gifts with handwritten notes for the things she considered life events — her graduation from high school, her graduation from college, her marriage, and the birth of her first child AND she left one for confirmation. For this mom to think about her confirmation two years prior to her daughter going though it is so telling. I carry this story with me as a good reminder of the significance of the life event that confirmation is for our young people and for all of us who get to be part of it.
The word confirm means "to make (something) stronger or more certain : to cause (someone) to believe (something) more strongly." In the act of confirmation, a young person is therefore confirming or making his or her faith stronger. Confirmation should be about not just what is learned but also how it is learned.
Confirmation is as much about the changing of one's heart as it is the changing of one's head.
Confirmation has been around for a long time. The various ways it has been practiced reflect the rich heritages of each denomination that has used it to teach their young the Christian faith. A comprehensive overview of confirmation's history is found in the Confirm Director Guide.
Each young person's confirmation journey will be as different and unique as the individual. Parents, teenagers, and even mentors stand at the threshold of the confirmation process bringing their own unique experiences and stories to enhance the experience for each confirmand.
As you begin your church's confirmation journey, keep in mind that how young people learn and grow in faith today is not the same as when you were young. Confirmation should be interactive, experiential, and fun! It needs to be a place where the young people can discover who Jesus is to them and what faith looks like in their lives. This is where your role as a mentor is vital. You will guide and lead them on this discovery. Coming to know who Jesus is and professing faith in him should be personal and unique for each person. Having a mentor who knows them and understands them will help them make the connection between faith and life during this confirmation journey.
The church's attitude about confirmation has also changed. There was a time when it seemed to be focused on getting members and checking confirmation off the "to do" list. The church is now starting to realize that confirmation can be so much more. We can shake things up and make the confirmation experience something more — the foundation to a lifetime of discipleship.
This movement into making confirmation more than a set of classes began as churches realized they were confirming young people and then never seeing them again in the life of the church. Getting teens confirmed is the easy part. Keeping them engaged and growing in a faith that will stick is the hard part. Fortunately, churches are now asking, "How can we change our programming to promote a young person's desire to follow Jesus and remain a part of this person's church community and the body of Christ?"
There are many things we can do to make the process more engaging, such as using interactive curriculum, partnering with parents, and connecting our teens with church as awhole. However, arguably the most effective components to keep teens engaged with your faith community after the confirmation ceremony are the relationships they make on the journey. One of these relationships is the one they will have with you. Caring, kind, and compassionate adults who gently guide and hold young people accountable are critical to their ongoing participation in the life of the church. We will talk more about the roles of mentors later in this book.
Confirmation leaders and those who write curriculum know that not only do teenagers need to know Christian theology, learn the nature of the church, and explore their faith commitments, but they also need to find ways to integrate all of it into their everyday lives. Our job is not to tell them who God is and what to believe, but instead to help them discover who God is and grow to trust God with their lives.
Confirmation is not a set of classes to complete; it is more about relationships that teens build with family, church, and their God.
We need to communicate to teens that while confirmation concludes with a ceremony where they publicly proclaim their faith, confirmation is just a step on their faith journey, a journey they will be on with God their whole lives. Confirmation is not a set of classes to complete; it is more about relationships that teens build with family, church, and their God.
Confirmation and Baptism
Confirmation and baptism are inextricably connected. The United Methodist Church celebrates baptism and Communion as the only two sacraments. In The United Methodist Church, confirmands are to be baptized before they are confirmed. Many confirmands are baptized as babies. In that sacramental ceremony, the community of faith claims for a child God's promise of salvation, the child's parents promise to raise their child in the Christian faith, and the congregation promises to support the parents and share in that responsibility. Each teen baptized as a child who chooses to complete confirmation declares for herself or himself trust in Christ, thereby embracing God's promise of salvation made in baptism.
Often there are a number of confirmands who were not baptized as infants. Your congregation may baptize those teens as part of the confirmation ceremony or in a separate ceremony, as we do at Church of the Resurrection. Fellow confirmands, many of whom who were baptized as infants, their families, their mentors, and their families are all invited to support the confirmand being baptized. We've found that this experience of mentors and families laying hands on and praying for each confirmand being baptized is a meaningful way to mark and remember the baptisms and faith commitments. The support by all involved demonstrates in a very tangible way what it means to be the body of Christ.
Program Scheduling
One thing we've learned in confirmation is that the only constant in confirmation programs among United Methodist churches is that every church runs its confirmation program differently. Some programs run for ten weeks while others will run for two years. Scheduling the confirmation process for each church should be based on how the time frame fits into the life of the church and the community.
While the length of time a confirmation program runs is important, the No. 1 question asked by churches and families alike is, "What age should a young person go through confirmation?" The United Methodist Church website says that in many United Methodist congregations, preparation for confirmation begins when young people enter middle school years (sixth to eighth grades). This stage (referred to as early adolescence) is when young people begin to move from concrete thinking to abstract thinking. In other words, our young teens are beginning to practice their new ability to think beyond the facts. They now can reflect more deeply on ideas and concepts and what they mean. This is a prime time to engage young teens in deeper faith reflection and what it means to integrate faith learning into everyday life. Ultimately, we want our confirmands to be able to discern what following Jesus looks like in every situation and every environment — family, school, friends, sports team, and so forth. Helping your confirmand understand how confirmation class learning matters in his or her life is a critical role you have as a mentor.
Opinions vary over which of these grades a church should hold a confirmation class. It is up to each church to determine what is appropriate for their young people. That decision depends largely on your congregation, your community, and the leading of the Holy Spirit. To illustrate, my church's confirmation class lasts for one school year. We changed the program a few years ago from holding it for seventh-graders to holding it for those starting in eighth grade. We made the switch because we looked at our community. In our area, when a student moves into the eighth grade, practices, games, and other school activities take place during the week. Since confirmation meets on Sundays, switching to eighth grade made sense to avoid many sports conflicts that we were having with our seventh-grade students whose sports activities took place on the weekends. The classes are usually 80 percent eighth-graders while the rest are high school age — allowing for young people who come to the church after the typical confirmation year to also participate.
Scheduling to reduce potential calendar conflicts with confirmands and their families applies to the mentoring relationship as well. Setting meeting times and locations that integrate into their families' normal life rhythms not only sets you up for an effective mentoring relationship, but it also can support your effort to help your confirmand begin to make real world faith connections.
Requirements and Expectations
Nothing can derail a young person's confirmation experience faster than an adult who drops out partway through the process. Be sure you are clear on what is being asked of you. How long does the process last? Are you expected to attend the class? How many times are you expected to meet with your confirmand? What special activities are you expected to attend? Clarity on expectations of the program will put everyone involved on the same path. It is important not only to be aware of the expectations but also to determine if you have the capacity to fulfill the mentor responsibilities. It is perfectly acceptable to decline a mentor role in the present and return a year later when life situations are more amendable.
Since you will be holding your teen accountable, it's going to be important for you to understand what he or she is required to do as part of confirmation. For example, at Church of the Resurrection in Leawood, Kansas, our confirmation students' requirements to get confirmed are:
• They must attend the kickoff, retreat, and ceremony. The kickoff is attended by at least one other family member as well. The retreat is on a Friday night. Our ceremony is on a Sunday.
• They can not miss more than four sessions. This expectation is not meant as a "punishment" but instead as the reality that with only so many sessions, if the participant misses more than four, then that individual has missed a large percentage of the material presented each week. By missing a large amount of sessions, the church community connections that form between peers are greatly impacted.
Part of being a Christian is serving others, and confirmation is a way to teach the young people what it means to be a Christian.
• They must be baptized. All forms are recognized.
• They must take part in a mission. Part of being a Christian means serving others, and confirmation is a way to teach the young people what it means to be a Christian. We offer many places they can go with their mentor and serve. Mentors report that serving alongside their confirmands is one of their favorite things they do with their confirmands. You may even want to do it more than once. Make sure not only to serve but also to spend time talking about the experience afterwards. Reinforce it with Scripture such as Matthew 6:10 (ESV): "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."
• They must serve as an acolyte or usher four times. Serving in this way reinforces the connection with the church. Making confirmation visible to the church community is important. Confirmation should not be isolated from the life of the church.
• They need to be active in another area of the church such as attending youth group, Sunday school, or volunteering as an usher or in the nursery. This connection is something our mentors help them to find if they need it. The goal is not to make them busier but to connect them within the life of the church so that after confirmation is over someone will "miss them" if they start to fall away from church.
Commitment
Each family should consider the needs of their son or daughter to determine if their young person is ready for confirmation. Readiness is about the heart and head but also about priorities and schedule. Each family will need to consider how they will reprioritize sports and other commitments in order for their daughter or son to participate in the confirmation process. It is OK if that commitment cannot be made at the present. The opportunity to wait until they can commit to the time should be offered.
At Church of the Resurrection we take commitment seriously with grace. For example, a young person who starts the program and then finds he can't meet all the participation requirements is given the option to drop out and restart the following year. If a young person has fulfilled all the requirements but can't attend the mandatory retreat, she has the option to attend just the retreat and ceremony the following year.
We encourage every family to come and talk with us when conflicts arise or when they are considering whether to even start the confirmation process. Often, the mentor is the first person the family talks with. The best thing you can do to help them determine the best path forward is to facilitate a conversation with the confirmation director or pastor where options can be explored.
Finally, it is helpful for both you and your confirmand to set expectations for your time together. Negotiating what you both hope to give and gain from the relationship you are building can help calm your teen's anxiety, empower her or him, and set the tone for building trust. Remember, your job is not to get your confirmand to the finish line. Your job is to be an adult spiritual companion along his or her journey, listening, addressing questions, and encouraging the teen's family — whether the journey leads to the choice to confirm one's faith or to wait.
CHAPTER 2
What Is My Role As a Mentor?
Now that you have heard what confirmation is, you may be wondering how you as a mentor fit in on this journey. I always tell my mentors, "I am not looking for someone who knows all the answers, but instead someone who is willing to help a young person discover their own." Think of yourself as a guide, an encourager, a cheerleader, and a coach — all packaged into one for your young person!
Think of yourself as a guide, an encourager, a cheerleader, and a coach — all packaged into one for your young person!
Mentoring effectively is not about age or experience but about impact. Church of the Resurrection confirmation mentors include young adults, parents, and grandparents who have deeply and positively influenced the lives and faith of confirmands. We also enlist high school students who have been confirmed to serve as junior mentors. These young people serve alongside an adult mentor and can be as effective as an adult mentor.
If your confirmation program does not include junior mentors, I recommend giving it consideration. There is much to learn from these young people. Confirmands can relate to junior mentors in unique ways as they are closer in age and understand the young confirmand's life issues and experience. The junior mentors also serve as role models beyond the church when confirmands interact with them in the community. The message is pretty simple: you can be an impactful mentor at any age.
Mentorship is more about sharing and showing than it is about telling.
Who Can Be a Mentor?
A mentor is someone who is authentic. We've been told by our confirmands that the most effective mentor is not someone who tries to act like he or she is the confirmand's age, but instead is genuine in her or his actions and words. An authentic mentor is in tune to the needs of the young person he or she is mentoring without trying too hard to "relate." Rather, the effective mentor is able to demonstrate trustworthiness simply by being himself or herself and consistently modeling faith to the teen through actions and words. Passing on faith through a mentoring relationship is most effective when the confirmand observes the life of the mentor to be consistent with what he or she professes to believe.
A mentor is committed. One way to model to the confirmand that you are committed is to also follow confirmand requirements. For instance, if confirmands are allowed to miss only four classes over the confirmation year, then mentors should be held to the same expectations. By following the same requirements and expectations as the confirmand, the mentor is showing commitment to the church, the process, and the confirmand. Additionally, it shows the confirmand that this is important.
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Excerpted from Confirm Mentor Guide by Cokesbury. Copyright © 2016 Cokesbury. Excerpted by permission of Cokesbury.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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