Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

by Emily Nagoski Ph.D.


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A revised and updated edition of Emily Nagoski’s game-changing New York Times bestseller Come As You Are, featuring new information and research on mindfulness, desire, and pleasure that will radically transform your sex life.

For much of the 20th and 21st centuries, women’s sexuality was an uncharted territory in science, studied far less frequently—and far less seriously—than its male counterpart.

That is, until Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are, which used groundbreaking science and research to prove that the most important factor in creating and sustaining a sex life filled with confidence and joy is not what the parts are or how they’re organized but how you feel about them. In the years since the book’s initial publication, countless women have learned through Nagoski’s accessible and informative guide that things like stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it—and that even if you don’t always feel like it, you are already sexually whole by just being yourself. This revised and updated edition continues that mission with new information and advanced research, demystifying and decoding the science of sex so that everyone can create a better sex life and discover more pleasure than you ever thought possible.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781982165314
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Publication date: 03/02/2021
Pages: 400
Sales rank: 336
Product dimensions: 5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 1.10(d)

About the Author

Emily Nagoski is the award-winning author of the New York Times bestseller Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, and the coauthor of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. She has an MS in counseling and a PhD in health behavior, both from Indiana University.

Table of Contents

Introduction: Yes, You Are Normal 1

The True Story of Sex

The Organization of This Book

A Couple of Caveats

If You Feel Broken, or Know Someone Who Does

Part 1 The (not-so-basic) basics

1 Anatomy: No Two Alike 15

The Beginning

The Clit, the Whole Clit, and Nothing but the Clit

Meet Your Clitoris

Lips, Both Great and Small

Hymen Truths

A Word on Words

The Sticky Bits

Intersex Parts

Why It Matters

Change How You See

A Better Metaphor

What It Is, Not What It Means

2 The Dual Control Model: Your Sexual Personality 42

Turn On the Ons, Turn Off the Offs

Your Sexual Temperament

What "Medium" Means

Different for Girls … Sometimes

What Turns You On?

Can You Change Your Brain?

3 Context: And the "One Ring" (to Rule Them All) in Your Emotional Brain 68

Sensation in Context

Sex, Rats, and Rock 'n' Roll

Liking, Wanting, and Learning

You Can't Make Them

"Is Something Wrong with Me?" (Answer: Nope)

Part 2 Sex in context

4 Emotional Context: Sex in a Monkey Brain 109

The Stress Response Cycle: Fight, Flight, and Freeze

Stress and Sex

Broken Culture → Broken Stress Response Cycles

Complete the Cycle!

When Sex Becomes the Lion

Sex and the Survivor

Origin of Love

The Science of Falling in Love

Attachment and Sex: The Dark Side

Attachment and Sex: Sex That Advances the Plot

Attachment Style

Managing Attachment: Your Feels as a Sleepy Hedgehog

Survival of the Social

The Water of Life

5 Cultural Context: A Sex-Positive Life in a Sex-Negative World 150

Three Messages

You Are Beautiful

Criticizing Yourself = Stress = Reduced Sexual Pleasure

Health at Every Size


When Somebody "Yucks" Your "Yum"

Maximizing Yum … with Science! Part 1 : Self-Compassion

Maximizing Yum … with Science! Part 2: Cognitive Dissonance

Maximizing Yum … with Science! Part 3: Media Nutrition

You Do You

Part 3 Sex in action

6 Arousal: Lubrication Is Not Causation 189

Measuring and Defining Nonconcordance

All the Same Parts, Organized in Different Ways: "This Is a Restaurant"

Nonconcordance in Other Emotions

Lubrication Error #1 : Genital Response = Desire

Lubrication Error #2: Genital Response = Pleasure

Lubrication Error #3: Nonconcordance Is a Problem

"Honey … I'm Nonconcordant!"

7 Desire: Spontaneous, Responsive, and Magnificent 218

Desire = Pleasure in Context

Good News! It's Probably Not Your Hormones

More Good News! It's Not Monogamy, Either

"Why Can't I just Take a Pill?"

It Might Be the Chasing Dynamic

"Sex Worth Wanting"

Sharing Your Garden

Part 4 Ecstasy for everybody

8 Orgasm: Pleasure Is the Measure 249

Nonconcordance-Now with Orgasms!

No Two Alike

All the Same Parts …

Your Vagina's Okay, Either Way

Difficulty with Orgasm

Impatient Little Monitors

Ecstatic Orgasm: You're a Flock!

How Do You Medicate a Flock?

Flying Toward Ecstasy

9 Love What's True: The Ultimate Sex-Positive Context 278

Why Confidence Is Not Enough

Step 1 : Your Feelings Are Always True

The Map and the Terrain: A Tool for Reality Checking

Step 2: The Hard Part (Or, How to "Nonjudging")

Nonjudging 1: "No Good Reason"

Nonjudging 2: Healing Trauma

Nonjudging 3: Pain

Nonjudging 4: Pleasure

Nonjudging 5: Mourning the "Shoulds"

"To Feel Normal"

Conclusion You Are the Secret Ingredient 311

Why I Wrote This Book

Where to Look for More Answers

Acknowledgments 317

Appendix 1 Therapeutic Masturbation 319

Appendix 2 Extended Orgasm 323

Notes 327

References 347

Index 371

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