Table of Contents
A Note from the Author xi
Chapter 1 Changing Course 1
Living by the Rules 3
Going Back to the Past 4
Chronic Loss and Abandonment 6
Denial 9
Rigidity 10
Isolation 11
Shame 12
How Chronic Loss Is Created 14
The Impact of Our Losses 15
Changing Course 16
Chapter 2 You Can't Go Forward without Finishing the Past 19
Pain from the Past 20
Past-Driven Present Pain 28
Attempts to Control Our Pain 30
Emotional Responses to Pain 30
Behavioral Responses to Pain 37
Cognitive Responses to Pain 41
From a Past of Chronic Loss to the Turning Point 46
Letting Go of the Past, Healing the Pain 47
We Can't Go Forward without Finishing the Past 47
Chapter 3 Slops to Freedom 51
Step 1 Explore Past Losses 53
A Cognitive Life Raft and Emotional Safety Net 57
Fear of Feelings 59
Overcoming the Fear of Feelings 64
Step 2 Connect the Past to Present Life 66
Step 3 Challenge Internalized Beliefs 68
Step 4 Learn New Skills 71
Applying the Four Steps to a Recovery Issue 75
Recovery Cant Be Rushed 77
Chapter 4 Building Your Own Inner Adult 79
Creating an Inner Holding Environment 80
Core Recovery Skills 81
Validating Yourself 85
Letting Go of Some Control 90
Continuum of Control 99
Feeling Your Feelings 100
Identifying Your Needs 103
Setting Limits and Boundaries 109
Creating a Core of Strength with the Recovery Skills 114
Changing Course 116
The Recovery Process 117
Chapter 5 The House We Lived In 119
Family Secrets 120
Identifying Family Roles 128
Who Am I, If I'm Not Who I've Been? 136
Ending Old Roles 140
Chapter 6 Recovery Is the Road to Yourself 141
Reconstructing Relationships 142
Sharing Your Pain and Grief with Family Members 150
Confrontation as a Part of Sharing 153
How Can I Share My Pain If My Parent Has Died? 156
Present-Day Relationships 157
Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship 159
Charting the Characteristics of Your Relationships 163
Chapter 7 Spirituality Is Something You Are 169
Spirituality and Control 172
Spirituality and the Fear of Abandonment 175
Spirituality and Forgiveness 176
Spirituality and Our Religious Upbringing 181
Spirituality and the Spirit of Our Inner Child 185
Practicing Spirituality 189
Spirituality, the Turning Point to a New Course 192
Turning Points to Recovery 195
Acknowledgments 197
Appendices 199
Personal Loss Graph for Early Years 200
Loss Graph Exercise (Early Years) Libby 201
Loss Graph Exercise (Early Years) Tim 202
Personal Loss Graph for Adult Years 203
Loss Graph Exercise (Adult Years) Libby 204
Loss Graph Exercise (Adult Years) Tim 205
Charting Your Relationships 206
About the Author 207
