Cat-echisms: Fundamentals of Feline Faith
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Cat-echisms: Fundamentals of Feline Faith
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Overview
Everyone knows cats think they're so special.
But how can they explain why to mere humans?
Where do cats get their sense of superiority? How do they manipulate us so easily? Cat-echisms answers these eternal feline questions in an easy question-and-answer form. The result? A privileged peek inside the feline brain. In the process, cat owners--and even those who admire cats from afar--are entertained as well as enlightened. Fully illustrated with delightful photos of haughty (and gorgeous) cats, Cat-echisms collects the fundamental tenets of feline existence as if in a handbook to be given to all kitties at birth. Thus, for example, we read:
Q: Who is the most perfect creature in the household?
A: I am the most perfect creature in the household.
Q: Why are you the most perfect creature in the household?
A: I am the most perfect creature in the household because I am beautiful and exquisite and move in divine silence.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781429997003 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | St. Martin's Publishing Group |
| Publication date: | 04/13/2010 |
| Sold by: | Macmillan |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 128 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman are the authors of Yiddish With Dick and Jane, Yiddish With George and Laura, How to Raise a Jewish Dog, and How to Profit From the Coming Rapture.
Ellis Weiner is also the author of The Joy of Worry, Drop Dead, My Lovely, The Big Boat to Bye-Bye, and Santa Lives! Five Conclusive Arguments for the Existence of Santa Claus.
Barbara Davilman is the editor, along with Liz Dubelman, of What Was I Thinking?
Ellis Weiner is the author of The Joy of Worry, Drop Dead, My Lovely, The Big Boat to Bye-Bye, and Santa Lives! Five Conclusive Arguments for the Existence of Santa Claus.
BARBARA DAVILMAN began her career in NY in advertising and then went on to create a greeting card company, Bittersweet, that dealt exclusively with relationships gone bad. After that, she moved to Los Angeles to become a TV writer/producer. Along with her husband, Ellis Weiner, she co-authored YIDDISH WITH DICK&JANE, YIDDISH WITH GEORGE&LAURA, and HOW TO RAISE A JEWISH DOG. In her ‘spare’ time she writes and produces reality television and is the Los Angeles Co-Coordinator for Ridgeback Rescue.
Susan Burnstine contributed to Arffirmations from St. Martin's Press.
Read an Excerpt
Cat-Echisms
Fundamentals of Feline Faith
By Ellis Weiner, Barbara Davilman
St. Martin's Press
Copyright © 2010 Ellis WeinerAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4299-9700-3
CHAPTER 1
LESSON THE FIRST - ON THE DIVINITY AND QUASI-DIVINITY OF CATS
I AM NOT HERE TO AMUSE YOU
Q. Are you here to amuse humans?
A.I am not here to amuse humans.
Q. Then why do you exist?
A.I exist to cause sniffling, sneezing, wheezing, and hives to humans who are allergic to my sacred dander.
Q. Why is your dander sacred?
A.My dander is sacred because it consists of dead flakes of my precious skin and dried bits of my divine saliva.
Q. What if I'm not allergic?
A.Then you are free to worship me.
CAUSES AND CONSEQUENCES OF MY DIVINE SENSE OF FOCUS
Q. How are you able to achieve your divine sense of focus?
A.I am able to achieve my divine sense of focus because my species has deliberately determined to perfect our ability to focus.
Q. Why is it important to be able to focus?
A.It is important because without it we become distracted, and never achieve or accomplish anything. We are a very results-oriented species. That is why we still exist after thousands of years.
Q.
A.You're not listening to me, are you?
Q. Sorry, I just got a text.
GODLINESS IS NEXT TO CLEANLINESS
Q. Why does licking your paw resemble the act of prayer?
A. Licking your paw resembles the act of prayer because you lick your paw to tidy up the outer cat, and you pray to tidy up the inner cat.
Q. What part of the outer cat needs tidying up?
A.All of it.
Q. What part of the inner cat needs tidying up?
A.You don't want to know.
GORGEOUS IN THE SWEDISH MANNER
Q. Who is gorgeous?
A.I am gorgeous.
Q. How are you gorgeous?
A.I am gorgeous in the Swedish manner.
Q. Why is your manner of gorgeousness particularly Swedish?
A.Because I am a striking blonde with dazzling blue eyes.
Q. Does this make you superior to all other cats?
A.This makes me superior to all other cats, dogs, birds, fish, humans, flowers, and all fruits except pomegranates.
I AM DESCENDED FROM GODS
Q. From what gods are you descended?
A.I am descended from the cat-god Bast, the local deity of Bubastis, who was worshipped by the ancient Egyptians.
Q. Why did the ancient Egyptians worship cats?
A.The ancient Egyptians worshipped cats because cats protected their grain from vermin, and cats were able to kill snakes such as cobras, and because cats were, even in ancient times, totally fabulous.
Q. How can mankind today show cats the respect they were shown in ancient Egypt?
A.They can start by doing the same thing the ancient Egyptians did when their cat died.
Q. What did they do?
A.They shaved their eyebrows and mummified the cat. They did this in the city of Bubastis, but you can have it done in your own local city or town.
I PROUDLY EMBODY THE FIVE KINDS OF ADORABLENESS
Q. What are the Five Kinds of Adorableness?
A. The Five Kinds of Adorableness are:
a. Adorableness of Eyes
b. Adorableness of Face
c. Adorableness of Expression
d. Adorableness of Body
e. Adorableness of Being Totally Freaking Adorable
Q. What is the difference between saying one is adorable and saying one is cute?
A."You are cute" is what you say to cats who aren't adorable, so as not to hurt their feelings. Isn't that adorable?
THE OBJECT OF MY CONTEMPLATION
Q. What is the object of your contemplation?
A.The object of my contemplation is a cobweb in the corner of the ceiling.
Q. There is a cobweb in the corner of the ceiling?
A.Yes.
Q. How long has it been there?
A.Long enough that you should fire your cleaning person.
I AM DEVOUT IN MY RELIGION OF STILLNESS
Q. What do you worship in your religion of stillness?
A.In my religion of stillness I worship being very, very still, and not moving unless it is absolutely necessary, not doing very much of anything, and just lying around.
Q. Is that the same thing as being lazy?
A. No.
Q. Why is it not the same thing as being lazy?
A.Because it's a religion.
ON THE PERFECTION OF MY COMPOSURE
Q. How are you able to maintain such perfect composure?
A.I am able to maintain such perfect composure because I do not fear death.
Q. Why do you not fear death?
A.I do not fear death because I possess nine lives.
Q. Why do you believe God gave you nine lives?
A.God gave us nine lives to prove to dogs that He likes us better.
THERE IS A LESSON IN MY PROFILE
Q. Why do you look up into the tree?
A.I look up into the tree so you can see the perfection of my profile.
Q. What does one gain from seeing the perfection of your profile?
A. One is reminded that life has many sides.
Q. What is the benefit of learning that life has many sides?
A. The benefit is that one becomes a much more open human being; one attracts many different kinds of new experiences into one's life, participates in these experiences, and, in so doing, forgets about me and leaves me free to get that squirrel I have my eye on.
THIS IS NOT "PLAY"
Q. What are you doing?
A.I am swatting and batting around this little thingie at the end of this cord.
Q. Is this not "play"?
A.This is not "play."
Q. If it is not "play," what is it?
A.It is a spiritual practice.
Q. What is spiritual about swatting and batting around a little thingie at the end of a cord?
A.What is spiritual about drinking wine and eating crackers? Or sitting in a room and singing? It is because we say it is.
Q. Do you also swat and bat around electrical cords?
A.No. I do not recognize the spiritual legitimacy of electrical cords. I'm Orthodox.
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING FLUFFY
Q. What is important about being fluffy?
A.Being fluffy marks one as a superior creature.
Q. Aren't all cats fluffy?
A.Not all cats are fluffy. Only the superior ones.
Q. Is it the fluffiness that makes the cat superior?
A.Why not? Isn't that enough?
TO STARE AT NOTHING IS TO LOOK WITHIN
Q. Why do you stare at nothing?
A.I do not stare at nothing, but only at things you cannot see.
Q. What do you stare at that we cannot see?
A.I stare at the great blank timeless void of the Cat Overmind.
Q. What is the nature of the great blank timeless void of the Cat Overmind?
A.Its nature is one of greatness, blankness, timelessness, and supreme consciousness of Clear-Minded Thought-Free Empty-Headed Vacuum-Brained Infinitely-No-One-Home-Upstairs Nothingness.
Q. What is the benefit of experiencing such a state?
A.When I return from such a state, everything else, including myself, is fascinating. Especially myself.
CHAPTER 2LESSON THE SECOND - ON THE BEHAVIORS AND DISPOSITIONS OF CATS
DO NOT DISTURB
Q. Why do you lie with your head upside-down?
A.I lie with my head upside-down to let the world know I am officially off-duty and I am not to be disturbed.
Q. What do you do when you are on-duty?
A.I lie on newspapers, magazines, and homework; I stare at the wall; I wiggle my butt before pouncing on birds.
Q. Is that all?
A.That is all I will discuss at present. I am off-duty.
SACRIFICES OF BEING A MOM
Q. Are these your kittens?
A.No, these are not my kittens, I'm watching them for a friend. OF COURSE THESE ARE MY KITTENS.
Q. Why are you shouting? Are you still hormonal?
A.OF COURSE I'M STILL HORMONAL.
Q. Do you like being a mom?
A.I like being a mom but I am sad to have to put my career on hold.
DO NOT APPROACH ME AT THIS TIME
Q. Why should one not approach you at this time?
A.One should not approach me because I am eating.
Q. When else should one not approach you?
A.One should not approach me when I am sleeping, playing in a paper bag, sitting quietly and blinking, or walking around thinking about air.
Q. When, then, may one approach you?
A.At eleven-thirty in the morning on Tuesdays and Fridays.
DO NOT TEST MY FEROCITY
Q. What do you mean, do not test your ferocity?
A.I mean, do not provoke me to see if I am capable of being ferocious, because I am.
Q. What causes you to become ferocious?
A.Birds. Mice. Certain grasshoppers. That little thingie that you wave around. And the tassel at the end of the whosis on the doohickey by the lamp. I hate that.
HOW SPLENDID, TO BE THE CAT OF MANY COLORS
Q. Why is it splendid to be the cat of many colors?
A.It is splendid to be the cat of many colors because my lineage is visible for all to see upon my body and my face.
Q. What does your lineage consist of?
A.My lineage consists of a jillion previous cats going back millennia, to ancient Egypt.
Q. How has your physical form evolved over that time?
A.It hasn't. Unlike humans, who are descended from apes and did have to evolve, cats have only had to evolve emotionally and spiritually.
Q. Have you evolved emotionally and spiritually?
A.I'm still talking to you, am I not?
DON'T LOOK NOW, BUT I AM A MASTER POUNCER
Q. Why do you survey the floor below?
A.I survey the floor below so I can be ready to pounce!
Q. What things will you pounce upon?
A.I will pounce upon mice, certain balls of yarn, a piece of paper stuck to the end of a wire that waves around like a moth, and the little red light emitted by a laser pointer.
Q. Why will you pounce on these items?
A.Because it is my mission in life.
Q. What will you do once you have pounced on them?
A.I will lose interest and wander off.
Q. Why will you lose interest and wander off?
A.Because that is my other mission in life.
I AM NEVER MORE ALIVE THAN WHEN I SLEEP
Q. Why are you never more alive than when you sleep?
A.I am never more alive than when I sleep because the state of sleep is the highest expression of felinity, or of being a cat.
Q. Really?
A.Yes. Because being asleep embodies:
a. silence
b. stillness
c. mysteriousness
d. cuteness
e. being asleep
MY TOUNGE IS ROUGH LIKE SANDPAPER FOR A REASON
Q. Why is your tongue rough like sandpaper?
A.My tongue is rough like sandpaper so that when I groom myself by licking I am able to harvest the maximum amount of hairs and impurities.
Q. Why is it important to harvest the maximum amount of hairs and impurities?
A.To be really clean! And also to create a hairball as big and dense and horrible as possible.
Q. Why is it important to create a big, dense, horrible hairball?
A.So that after I cough it up and leave the room, people will know I was there.
I LOOK WITHIN
Q. Why do you close your eyes but keep your head up?
A.I close my eyes but keep my head up because sometimes I look within to determine what my needs are.
Q. What are your needs?
A.At the present time my needs include the need to move some of my toys around in an arbitrary manner, the need to torment the dog, and the need to stare enigmatically at a chair.
Q. How do you determine which of these needs should be satisfied?
A.I determine this by looking within and then doing whatever the hell I want.
I CAN SIT STRESS
Q. Why is it important that you can sit in trees?
A.It is not important.
Q. When you sit in trees, do y — wait. What? Did you say it is not important?
A.I said it is not important.
Q. Then why do you bring it up?
A.I bring it up to control the conversation. It's what I do.
Q. Why —
A.It's what I do.
Q. W —
A.I control the conversation.
MY FAITH IN MY OWN COOLNESS IS UNSHAKEABLE
Q. Why is your faith in your own coolness unshakeable?
A.My faith in my own coolness is unshakeable because I remain detached and calm no matter what happens.
Q. Why is it good to remain detached and calm no matter what happens?
A.It is good because that is how one retains one's dignity in all situations.
Q. Is there a name for a cat who fails to maintain his or her dignity in all situations?
A.Yes, there is. That kind of cat is known as a dog.
ON THE PURPOSE OF CHEWING ONE'S FOOT
Q. What is the purpose of chewing one's foot?
A.The purpose of chewing one's foot is to clean between the toes.
Q. Is it a sacred ritual with an ancient and arcane history, an act of spiritual discipline comparable to the positions of Hatha Yoga or the spinning of Sufi dervishes?
A.No. It's how we wash our feet.
Q. But is —
A.Just stop.
SOME CATS SLEEP, WHILE OTHERS DO NOT
Q. Why do you not sleep?
A.I do not sleep because I am busy making plans.
Q. What is the purpose of those plans?
A.The purpose of those plans is conquering the world.
Q. How will you succeed at something that Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Hitler failed at?
A.I will succeed by doing something they did not do, which is to meow a lot and then hide under the sofa.
THE CAT WHO KNOWS HOW TO LIVE
Q. What is your philosophy of how to live?
A.My philosophy of how to live is: enjoy yourself.
Q. How does one enjoy oneself?
A.One enjoys oneself by being mellow, not sweating the small stuff, going with the flow, and letting it all hang out.
Q. Is that the same thing as being lazy?
A.It is not the same thing as being lazy.
Q. What is the difference?
A.The difference is, being lazy involves not doing what you are supposed to do, but knowing how to live involves not doing anything, period.
WHY MY NOSE IS TINY
Q. Why is your nose tiny?
A.My nose is tiny because I am magnificent.
Q. Why does your magnificence result in your having a tiny nose?
A.Because I am so highly evolved, compared to other mammals, that I barely have to breathe.
Q. What is so magnificent about not breathing?
A.It means that, unlike everybody else, I do not have to get up and leave the room when the dog farts.
WHAT NO ONE CAN DO
Q. What is the thing that no one can do?
A.No one can sneak up on me.
Q. Why can no one sneak up on you?
A.Because I am extremely alert and my reflexes are of lightning speed.
Q. What would you do if someone were able to sneak up on you?
A.I would dash away about eight or ten feet, and then just kind of wander around and pretend that nothing happened.
CHAPTER 3LESSON THE THIRD - ON THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN CATS AND OTHER ANIMALS, NOT EXCLUDING DOGS
IT IS ESSENTIAL TO CLIMB
Q. Why is it essential to climb?
A.It is essential to climb because it is imperative to chase squirrels and harass birds.
Q. Why is it imperative to chase squirrels and harass birds?
A.It is imperative in order to show them who is Boss.
Q. What does one do if one cannot go outside to climb?
A.One climbs inside, preferably up the drapes in the living room.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Cat-Echisms by Ellis Weiner, Barbara Davilman. Copyright © 2010 Ellis Weiner. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Title Page,ACKNOWLEDGMENTS,
INTRODUCTION,
1. LESSON THE FIRST - ON THE DIVINITY AND QUASI-DIVINITY OF CATS,
2. LESSON THE SECOND - ON THE BEHAVIORS AND DISPOSITIONS OF CATS,
3. LESSON THE THIRD - ON THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN CATS AND OTHER ANIMALS, NOT EXCLUDING DOGS,
4. LESSON THE FOURTH - ON THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN CATS AND HUMANS,
Also by,
About the Author,
Copyright Page,