Table of Contents
Introduction 1
1 Defining bullying: What is and what isn't bullying? 5
Why do some people bully? 7
Human nature and our competitive culture 9
The neuroscience of bullying 13
The difference between bullying and conflict 14
Over-protected 'cotton wool kids' 17
2 Complicated relationships: Frenemies and power plays 22
Psychosocial stages and personality types 23
Popularity and the social hierarchy 26
Relational aggression 28
The controlling friend 31
Humour and teasing 31
Frenemies and toxicity 35
Teen drama, gossip and hormones 38
3 The bully and the crew: Lions, hyenas and antelopes 44
The 'pure' bully 46
Bully or failed leader? 51
The victim-bully 54
The bully's crew 58
Nurturing the nature: good and evil 60
4 The target: Tall poppies, provocative victims and gentle souls 65
The impact of bullying 66
Why are some people targeted? 68
Tall poppy syndrome 75
The passive target 77
When targets play the clown 81
The accidental target 82
Handling difference and promoting tolerance 85
Victim-blaming and victim-shaming 87
The provocative target 90
Children who play the victim 96
From victim to survivor 104
5 The bystanders: The untapped strength of the upstanders 106
'The bystander effect' 110
Pluralistic ignorance and audience modelling 113
The diffusion of responsibility 116
Deindividuation 121
Blaming the target and blaming others 122
Bystander fear and lack of confidence 127
Dehumanising the target 129
When parents and teachers are the bystanders 131
The bystanders in Nazi Germany 134
'Be the arrow, not the target' 138
6 The bullying environment: Group cohesion and competitiveness 140
The school environment 145
Handling difference 147
Cohesion and competitiveness 149
Group identity 150
The perfect bullying environment 152
Being your child's advocate 154
What you can do 163
7 Cyberbullying: Trolls, hate mail and sextortion 165
Keyboard warriors 167
Hate mail 174
Anonymous apps 175
Check your tech 177
Sextortion and scammers 179
Protective measures 182
8 How to stop bullying: Practical tips 190
How to handle yourself 194
How to open a dialogue with your child 199
How to communicate with the school 204
How to introduce school initiatives 208
How to handle the unhelpful school 214
How to handle the bully's parents 220
How to identify the bully's motivations 225
How to develop emotional intelligence 226
How to help children adapt to their environment 233
How to deal with violent bullying 236
How to support your child during bullying 242
9 Recovering from bullying: Stronger than ever before 246
Living well is the best revenge 246
Increased inner strength 251
The gift of resilience 253
Improved emotional intelligence 253
Improved social skills and relationships 254
Increased inner confidence 254
Increased empathy and understanding 255
Increased moral engagement 257
A flexible mindset 258
Bibliotherapy and the comfort of the arts 259
Rebuilding the parent-child bond 260
Character development 262
The holistic approach 263
Resources 266
References 275