Table of Contents
Jenny Lawson, Full-Grown Mammal: An Introduction 1
Already Forgot I Wrote This 5
Six Times I've Lost My Shoes While Wearing Them: A List that Shouldn't Exist 13
And Then I Bought Condoms for My Dog 22
Rainbow Fire 27
All of the Reasons Why I'm Not Coming to Your Party 33
Samuel L. Jackson Is Trying to Kill Me 44
How Do Dogs Know They Have Penises? 59
These Truisms Leave Out a Lot of the Truth 66
An Open Letter to My Health Insurance Company 72
Pm Not Going Outside Anymore. 79
The Things We Do to Quiet the Monsters 85
The Golden (Shower) Years 111
Awkwarding Brings Us Together 116
That Time I Got Haunted by Lizards with Bike Horns 131
We Are Who We Are Until We Aren't Anymore 142
Introverts Unite! (But Sweet Baby Jesus, Not in Real Life.) 150
My Dentist Hates Me 156
Am I Even Still Alive? 161
The Secret to a Long Marriage 168
So I'm Paying to Beat the Shit Out of Myself? 175
Anxiety Is a Lost Watch I Never Saw 183
The Eight Billionth Argument I Had with Victor This Week 188
Sometimes There Is Beauty in Breaking 190
No One Wants Tour Handwritten "Good for One Free Massage" Coupons, Darryl 197
I Feel It in My Bones 204
Editing Is Hell. Mostly for Editors. 206
The First Satanic Ritual I Ever Saw 218
Damaged Good(s) 225
My House Is a Garbage Fire Because I Clean It 230
And That's Why I Can Never Go Back to the Post Office Again 233
I Am a Magpie 240
Up Divorce Creek Without a Paddle (Because the Guide Didn't Trust Me Not to Push Victor Overboard with It) 244
Eclipse (Not the Twilight Book. The Other Kind.) 249
Business Ideas to Pitch on Shark Tank 261
Strange New Weather Patterns 271
Souls 275
Acknowledgments 283