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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781491839058 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 12/03/2013 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| File size: | 146 KB |
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BLUE COLLAR CHRONICLES
By JOHN PROCACCINO
AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2013 John ProcaccinoAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4918-3900-3
CHAPTER 1
THE CONSTRUCTION SITE
Let me begin by describing a typical commercial or industrial construction site in New Jersey, after all of the preliminary planning, town meetings, and architectural work. I'm talking about the laborious work on site.
The construction site is a very busy place, like a small, growing town. It has its own governing body: the mayor is the supervisor, his assistants are the police force, and the construction managers are the judge and jury. To be clear, all these guys are back-stabbing fuck-faces, and not one of them is worth a shit. The tradesmen, carpenters, plumbers, electricians, and so forth, are also the rest of the townspeople.
Once a week there is a town meeting, or job meeting, in which the foreman of each trade faces the mayor, police, judge, and jury. During this meeting the tradesmen are blamed for the job not progressing fast enough and are constantly reminded that everyone must push harder to meet their impossible schedules. These job meetings are a lot like town council meetings: 99 percent bullshit.
Politics aside, a big jobsite is like a single cell multiplying to become a complete creation. Usually it turns out to be something beautiful, well planned, and organized. But anybody who understands biochemistry knows when cells split too quickly or out of control they instead become some kind of funky carcinoma. In construction, this is job cancer (or "job carcinoma," as I call it), which is caused mostly by construction managers. The only cure is the lowly tradesmen, or might I say the highly skilled tradesmen. It really is amazing how well these chaotic, high pressure jobs turn out with the right skilled labor.
WORKFLOW
The workflow of big jobs occurs in seven stages:
First stage—Start up, gear up, man up
Second stage—Familiarization of job rules, regulations, and procedures
Third stage—Job progresses nicely
Fourth stage—Some bumps and hiccups
Fifth stage—Schedule in jeopardy
Sixth stage—Total chaos, screaming, yelling
Seventh stage—Everybody's happy, and the job's turned out well
Theses stages are often chaotic, but I truly believe that chaos is beneficial to the overall progression of the job. As crazy as it may sound it keeps the workmen on their toes. I have a theory that when an important project must be done quickly, you should give it to the busiest workman in the crew. He may not need or want more work, but he is already in high gear and will get it done. This is a tried and true tactic.
Of course, a construction site is far more than just the chaos of noise, dirt, dust, cement, steel, wire, and machines. It's really all about the individuals that make it happen—the men on the job.
MEN ON THE JOB
On site, many different skills are required, and specialized individuals are needed. This is no place for a jack of all trades. Here, you will find operating engineers, masons (cement workers), iron workers, carpenters, plumbers, fitters, duct workers, electricians, laborers, roofers, plasters, painters, and glazers, all very skilled and very important.
THE ROOFER
If I had to order the trades on a ladder by most desirable, hands down the bottom of the ladder would be roofers. Roofing is the toughest job, period. You can bet that most roofers are ex-convicts, escapees, or even fugitives. They can be scary to look at. A roofer's job is very dangerous and dirty. They work in high places and deal with heavy materials like boiling-hot, sticky tar and smelly shingles. At the end of the day they go home with an Excedrin headache and a sore back. While not my idea of a fun job, it's an important trade that involves a great deal of skill.
THE PLUMBER
Grubby plumbers and fitters (one and the same) go somewhere in the middle of the construction ladder. These are guys who like to show everybody their butt cracks and act like they are drunk or on drugs most of the time. I'm pretty sure that, here in New Jersey, it's a prerequisite for plumbers to regularly drink alcohol. The plumbers' union hall usually knows most of its members before they even are members. Men get their brothers, sons, nephews, nieces, sisters, cousins, and second and third cousins in their unions I'm just kidding, of course. Some of my best friends are plumbers. There is actually a lot to know in the field, and I'm not going to pretend that I know the half of it. Three things plumbers do know without question are:
1. Hot water is on the left
2. Shit runs downhill
3. Don't bite your fingernails
Now, I don't want you to feel sorry for these slugs or think I'm picking on them unfairly. These guys make a lot of money. You see, they aren't your garden-variety house plumbers. They work on brand-new buildings or factories. Everything is new and clean, unlike house plumbers who deal with shitty problems on a daily basis. Union plumbers usually install all-new sewer lines, water lines, heating and air conditioning lines, and sometimes specialty equipment. This so-called "specialty equipment" really gets these butt-crackers scratching their usually balding, lumpy heads.
In all fairness, plumbing is a very technical field, and it does need a few smarts. Some of the tricky vocabulary they throw around when they think other tradesmen might be listening can be impressive, such as "reverse osmosis," "capillary action," or even "cavitation." Yeah, they've got it goin' on.
THE CARPENTER
Moving up one rung of the construction ladder—or maybe down two rungs, I haven't made up my mind yet—let's talk about carpenters. Oh boy, where do I start? Without question, these guys think they are the be-all and end-all: The smartest. The toughest. The only people in the trades that know anything about construction. In fact, they are basically inept and closely related to mollusks. On second consideration, they definitely fall on the second rung from the bottom of the ladder. Carpenters are the bottom-feeders of the construction world. You would think that, being "so smart," these guys would learn how to run an Ace-92 plastic comb through their greasy hair once in a while or to wipe a stick of deodorant on their pits, especially on those sweltering summer days. Nah, that might kill some of their special brain cells. Admittedly, carpenters do have some skills. They can read a ruler all the way down to one-sixteenth of an inch, occasionally read a basic blueprint, and use power tools, like a circular saw, at least while they still have a thumb and forefinger on the same hand. You don't have to be in the construction industry long to know who the journeyman carpenters are. Just look for the stumps of missing digits on their old, cracked hands.
In the past, for some unexplainable reason, one carpenter on a jobsite was appointed the "general" and was in charge of the other trades. The general foreman of the carpenters (known on the site as the general) represents the general contractor. Ten out of ten times the general is a bonafide dickhead, egotist, and know-it-all. The position should come with a mandatory work uniform with stripes on the sleeves and five fucking stars on the hard hat. This monster, this newly created piece of shit, needs the uniform because, in his mind, he is preparing for the mother of all battles. He is going to war with all the other subcontractors on the job. These dick-head generals think that a monument in their image will be placed in the building's foyer at the end of the job. Idiots! Can you imagine a carpenter as the head of the tradesmen? You might as well appoint a painter; at least when a painter is finished the project, it usually looks good in the end.
THE CONSTRUCTION MANAGER
The practice of appointing a general has gone by the wayside in recent years, and "constructions managers" now fill that role. Let's get one thing straight—these guys aren't even part of the construction ladder, nor would they be allowed on it or near it. They're no-good cocksuckers. Fuck them! They are the newest breed of job-pushers, or supervisors. Construction management companies are popping up all over the place. They send their employees to a four- or six-week course on how to manage a big construction project, and these guys graduate as "experts" in the field of construction. They are young, energetic, and clueless. They know very little about the meat and potatoes of construction, but they're good at using a laptop filled with prewritten programs that print out unrealistic timelines and schedules. They're all soft preppies that you just want to bitch-slap. They walk around the jobsite like they're somebody special in their button-down shirts with the collars sticking out of their V-neck sweaters. One hundred percent jerk-offs. There should be a law that you can't be a project supervisor without at least ten years of hands-on experience. In my opinion they are a waste of time and end up costing individual subcontractors money
THE OPERATING ENGINEER
Operating engineers (OEs) get the site ready for all the other trades to begin. They clear the site and dig for the foundations and underground utilities. The OEs operate tractors, backhoes, cranes, and anything that lifts, digs, or moves dirt. They're really not engineers with a college degree—it's just an important-sounding title. What a racket these guys have. You might think that by working in dirt and mud all day their clothes and boots would be a mess; not so! They are real prima donnas. They don't get out of their temperature-controlled backhoes unless the backhoes have flipped over or are on fire. A poor laborer has to follow the backhoe with his shovel all day, showing the OE exactly where to dig and making sure the OE doesn't dig up any buried electrical lines or existing utilities. You can spot an OE by the way he dresses—super clean and creased blue jeans held up high with a thick belt with a shiny, jumbo buckle; a flannel double-pocket shirt neatly tucked in; and gaudy, super-pointed cowboy boots. Some even wear cowboy hats. You might think they just finished shooting a Marlboro cigarette commercial. OEs aren't really on the construction ladder. They are on a man lift somewhere between the first and second floor.
THE IRON WORKER
We now come to the iron worker: the icon of heavy construction, the cover boy of all the trades. The American flag and the iron worker just go together. Their job is as tough as it gets, and they're as tough as any person can be. They can climb steal I-beams like Spiderman. I don't think I'll make fun of these guys. I always said if our government wants to win a war quickly, send in the iron workers. It's a no-brainer. These guys have nicknames that really fit their appearances: Bear, Gator, Wolf, Snake, Killer, Scar, and Big Foot are just a few that stick in my mind. They are short-timers as far as a job goes. They storm on the site, build a massive steel skeleton, top it off with a Christmas tree and a big American flag, and leave. That's when all the other trades converge on the scene, and that's when the fun really starts. These guys are near the very top of the construction ladder.
THE MASON
Masons, or brickies, come on the job while the iron workers are still finishing up. The masons pour the cement floors and decks and start laying block walls and partitions. Who in their right mind would want to be one of these block heads? (No pun intended.) Talk about a monotonous job—you lay one block on top of another, on top of another, and so on and so on. It does require the ability to use a level and string line. A good mason will boast about the number of "units" he can set in a day. Units? Is it too hard to say "blocks" or "bricks"? No, but "units" is the lingo, the trade talk. Masons do have to keep the number seven on the top of their mind, because seven courses of blocks are all they are allowed to put up in a day. I'll reveal a little secret: sometimes they cheat and put up nine or ten courses. You've just got to love the robotic mason, the guy with Popeye forearms and vice-grip hands. After all, doesn't everybody have an old uncle who is or used to be a mason? The guys and gals of the mason trade lie in the middle or lower half of the ladder.
THE DUCT WORKER
Oh boy, the "tin knockers"—this crew comes on the jobsite shortly after the floors are poured and before the building has exterior walls. These guys come from the same mold as the butt-crack plumbers. They are downright annoying, and their presence is felt the second they show up. They are the noisiest cock suckers I've ever met, pulling into the jobsite with their antique stake-body truck, reeking of exhaust, surrounded by blue smoke, and loaded to the top with shiny heating and air conditioning ducts of all sizes. This load is pretty fragile, and the shop boys are obviously trained in how to unload it carefully. They gun their stinking-ass truck, pop it in gear, and hope the whole load slips off the truck in one shot. This never works, so they end up unloading the rest by hand. Did I say these guys are annoying? I meant to say they are just downright fucking obnoxious. They earned the name "tin knockers" for a reason. To be a tin knocker you need just two tools, a hammer and a tin snip. These guys are definitely psychotic. All day long they bang on their ducts trying to get them to fit together, very noisy! Needless to say nobody is happy to see the tin knockers show up. Most of these guys come equipped with a stinky fat cigar glued to their bottom lip, which just adds to their overall appeal. If that's not bad enough, they also think everybody should get out of their way, but they soon learn where they fit on the construction ladder: somewhere near the carpenters.
THE SPRINKLER FITTERS
Fire safety is big these days, and any building in New Jersey that's bigger than one story needs a sprinkler system. The plumbers who install these systems really aren't plumbers at all; they are much more than that. They're called "sprinkler fitters," and to be one you must have a strong back; a pair of strong, monkey-wrench arms; and the ability to match up whole numbers. Why whole numbers, you ask? Because the pipes they install throughout the building have numbers on each end. These pipes, which carry water throughout the building in case of a fire, run in sizes from one inch in diameter to over twelve inches. They are precut and numbered to match the connecting pipe. The thought required to perform this process is, let's say, minimal. I remember when I was a little boy my mother bought me a paint-by-number kit of Mona Lisa. It was for ages eight to adult. Need I say more? This group is the third rung from the bottom of the ladder.
THE LABORER
The title says it all. These workers do all the dirty work and demolition. They deal with dust, hazardous particles, dirt, and more dirt. The most important requirement to be a laborer is a strong back, as their main tools are a pick, a shovel, and a broom. I couldn't do, and would never want, this tough job. Most laborers I've met are quite the characters. I think they are on the job mostly for entertainment. They label every worker on the job; no one is spared. Everyone gets a nickname, and it always fits. Lunchtime on a jobsite is segregated by trades. It's an unspoken rule not to intermingle. It's typically only a half-hour, so there's no time to socialize anyway. Every trade picks a room where they will eat lunch every day, and that room is off limits to other trades. There are usually microwaves, refrigerators, tables, and clothing racks—most of the comforts of home. At lunchtime there are lots of smells wafting about, none more interesting than what's drifting out of the laborers' area. The scents are almost gourmet. I'll never forget when one laborer, Willie, kept bugging me to try one of his specialty dishes, which he called "mountain oysters." They were deep fried. It was pretty good ... until I found out what it really was. You can look it up in the glossary. The laborers deserve a special place on the construction ladder.
THE GLAZER, PAINTER, SPACKLER, AND FINISHER
I will combine the next set of workmen and won't go into much detail. The window workers, technically called "glazers," are about as skilled as sprinkler fitters. Every window comes with an assigned number and goes into its corresponding spot on the building. If a window doesn't fit in the square opening, they keep trying until they find a place itdoes fit. Their finished work puts a nice finish on the building, and they walk off the job like proud peacocks. They act like they just built a nuclear-powered space ship or something. Idiots. The painters, spacklers, and finishers fall into the same group as glazers. They are basically prima donnas. To get them to work, the environmental conditions have to be near perfect; they don't work in the cold, rain, or dusty, dirty places. Seventy-two degrees and dry is all that suits these guys. Yes, they are still classified as construction workers.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from BLUE COLLAR CHRONICLES by JOHN PROCACCINO. Copyright © 2013 John Procaccino. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Contents
Preface, vii,Introduction, ix,
The Construction Site, 1,
Workflow, 3,
Men on the Job, 5,
The Roofer, 7,
The Plumber, 9,
The Carpenter, 11,
The Construction Manager, 15,
The Operating Engineer, 17,
The Iron Worker, 19,
The Mason, 21,
The Duct Worker, 23,
The Sprinkler Fitters, 25,
The Laborer, 27,
The Glazer, Painter, Spackler, and Finisher, 29,
The Electrician, 31,
The Apprentice, 35,
The Portable Sanitation Unit, 41,
Women On and Off the Jobsite, 49,
The Contractor/Owner, 53,
A Job Well Done, 59,
Glossary, 61,