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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781463426767 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 10/10/2011 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 192 |
| File size: | 220 KB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Blind Perspective
By KRISTYN A. WAGNER
AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2011 Kristyn A. WagnerAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4634-2675-0
Chapter One
The BeginningI don't know much, but I do know more than I knew yesterday.
We all think we're normal. Or at least we think we know what normal is. But truth be told, normal only relates to our immediate life and who we know. Normal isn't what we see in magazines, on the TV screen, or pasted all over media and our world as we know it. We think normal is what is closest to us, our friends, family, and who we see at school. All I know is that ten months ago I thought I was normal, and now, let's just say I'm not so 'normal' after all.
My life was great. I walked the halls of Billa-Aid High School like I owned the place. I thought I was 'it and a bit.' Now, don't get me wrong; I wasn't the most popular, but I was happy and comfortable with who I was and lived my life like that every day. After all, this was my last year of high school and I would make the most of it. I took almost everything in my life for granted; I mean, why wouldn't I? It was all I had ever known. I had a course load that I could dominate so my grades would be excellent for university. I was taking some business, science, math, and history just to keep my options open. My teachers knew who I was because of Carter, my academic genius brother who came before me. Sure they had high expectations for me, but I survived and I held up the family tradition. I wasn't reaching Carter's academic genius status but I was sustaining the grades I needed, so I would be able to get into any program I wanted.
It was university response time and I started hearing from Western, Laurier, Waterloo, Guelph, Simon Fraser, University of British Columbia, Brock, and every other school I thought to apply to. That's right, I was a completely clueless adolescent when it came to my future plans. I just wanted to live my life and see how it would end up ... all this planning threw me off. I didn't want to be stuck in one repetitive occupation for the rest of my life. The problem with me wasn't that I wasn't motivated enough; it was that I couldn't narrow down my options. I wanted every future out there. Paramedic sounded fun, but so did teacher, doctor, businesswoman, marine biologist, actress, science research assistant, sports announcer, and every other job. They all appealed to me! I wanted to do it all and be it all. That's kind of the same way I treated my friends and family.
My friend Anabeth once referred to me as a 'friend whore.' Okay, I know a whore is a bad thing and not something you want to be known as, but what in the world is a friend whore? So I asked her to break it down for me. She said that having so many friends at one time made me a 'friend whore.' I could only stare at her in puzzlement.
'You have friends everywhere you go and you are just so nice to everybody that even people who don't know you and only see your actions want to be your friend and invite you to things, making you a friend whore. You steal all the friends out there for us lonely people.' Anabeth finished her spiel, 'It's a good thing, and it's just amazing to watch how people are all drawn to you. I like sticking with one or two friends I can really trust. You cannot possibly feel close to all of the different people who call you their friend. It seems like a lot of shallow surface relationships.'
Wow. I didn't really know how to respond to this, but then I thought about my life and I realized I did have a lot of friends. I mean, if I were to have my wedding I would have no idea who my bridesmaids would be, let alone who would be invited. I seemed to share little bits of myself with lots of different groups, but never trusted my whole self with just one person. Good thing I wanted my wedding at Leeds Castle; I'm sure that could fit quite a few of us! Leeds Castle was a gorgeous castle I had seen when I was younger and I couldn't seem to shake that beautiful image out of my head for my wedding. The castle was in England, which would pose some difficulties later since I lived in Canada.
When you're a child and everything you could ever imagine feels like it could come true, Leeds Castle was the perfect place for my wedding. I sometimes still think like a naive child who believes that everything will always work out and nothing bad can ever happen. I like to hold on to the innocence of a child and push the thoughts that couldn't be perfect out of my head. In my mind I was still a child, playing princess in a world where everything worked out happily ever after.
I got to thinking about what Anabeth said, and I realized I wasn't a friend whore because I had multiple shallow relationships. I was a friend whore because I cared about everybody's story and genuinely listened to every single person no matter who they were. Plus the fact that I was busy 24/7 and joined every club and every team helped me meet people pretty fast. It just made it hard to stay in deep relationships and continue to be 'best' friends with all of them. I did have my close friends that I would tell most everything to and have fun just sitting around doing nothing with.
I think that when you call up a friend to do nothing, that is when you are truly friends on a new level—that and being able to fart in front of a friend or not be ridiculously polite, just being comfortable with yourself. Friends that you truly believe would be there for you no matter if you didn't shower that day are friends that mean so much more than words can explain. Those friends are very rare and should be cherished.
I had a tendency to not care about others' opinions of me, or maybe I just became so used to pleasing other people that others became comfortable around me. This allowed me to meet many people and begin those 'shallow' relationships. I did maintain some shallow relationships, but I don't know if that was a bad thing; I just enjoyed being a part of something bigger than me. Joining every club and being able to smile and say hi to everybody was something I truly enjoyed! Those shallow smiles made me feel accepted and loved, and they made me feel like I belonged.
I was a member of almost every club at our school; I was co-president for two years in DECA (a business club, DECA stands for Developing Excellence, Celebrating Achievement); running an environment club; an arts and crafts creator; BIN (Bill Intramural Network) member; Aid Beat (our school newspaper) article writer; and I would help out wherever was needed. I even worked a job at the pool teaching children how to swim and lifeguarding. I was also a sports nut. That's where my real identity came in. When people talked about me they would say, 'Oh yeah, that Riley girl she does everything, and does it with a smile, but man, does she play sports.' Or at least that's the identity I wanted everybody to believe. I wanted to be known as the happy, positive, unbreakable athlete.
I was known as the most athletic child out of the three children in my family, and soon enough I wasn't just the athletic one to everybody else, I was 'the athletic one' to me. It was where I seemed to fit in and be noticed. So I had to continue with my athletic identity if I wanted to exist. I mean, sure, everybody else kind of tells you who you are, and that is one way our identities are made. The self-fulfilling prophecy is when others chose for us and we chase their beliefs in order to gain our identity. I just got lucky that somebody choose such good traits for me to build my identity on.
It was spring, and all the snow was melting away. People started busting out the shorts and their pasty white legs to go with them. School had a changing atmosphere. People were busy, and I mean everybody. There was a buzz in the halls. People would rush home just so they could go outside and throw a football around with some buddies or make some lemonade. The malls were packed with summer and spring clothes and winter jackets and skis were on sale at half price. Everybody could sense summer getting closer! My graduating class was receiving our university and college application responses and some kids were marking out their futures and picking schools. Kids were responding to their applications and then going out and buying dorm sheets to celebrate. Me, on the other hand, I was waiting for the very last minute. I had no idea and I felt that rushing the decision would just make it be the wrong one. Sure, it's a little bit frustrating when you turn on your computer and your Facebook home page is filled with 'Waterloo, here I come', 'Guelph, can't wait to get there', 'Laurier, you're officially mine!' 'Accepted to Waterloo? Really, I agreed before they changed their mind!' and other 'decision made' quotes that emphasize how you have very little time to decide the rest of your life. What did I do to distract myself from all the caving-in pressures of the world? Well, I did what I do best. I kept busy and pushed those worrisome thoughts out of my fairytale.
I was playing badminton with my partner Miles when I decided I would try out for rugby just because it was one sport I had never tried. The swim team was still practicing bright and early because, after all, we made it to CWOSSA, the regional competition. I had three school sports on the go and I still felt like I had lots of time to think about my crumbling future. I continued to play rep basketball, too.
My day would consist of waking up early, which consisted of going to the pool at such ridiculous hours that the sun even knows it's too early and hasn't come up yet; then I would rush to class for the morning; eat lunch with 'my grounder boys' and our friends (I'll explain them in a bit); help out with intramurals or run a DECA meeting or make a poster depending on the day; and finally go to class for a few more hours. This is where most peoples' day ends—they go home and throw that football around—but mine continued. I would then go to badminton practice with Miles before running over to rugby practice. Afterwards, I would go to the pool, teach swimming lessons for a bit, and then my mom would pick me up and I would eat dinner in the car on the way to basketball, where I would have a lovely hard-core practice that I never thought I would survive. When I realized I was still alive after practice, Dad would drive me home and I would do my homework until super late and then crash—also known as falling asleep—until I started it all over again the next day. Yes, that was my life. Or at least the actions that made up my life.
Maybe you are wondering why I hated my family so much and felt the need to hardly see them. Truth be told, I love every single one of my family members so much—even down to the dog. I have a mom who I would bond with in car rides and I tell her everything. She is a huge part of my life, but I definitely take her for granted as my taxi service. Sometimes I would be in such a rush I wouldn't even thank my mom or talk to her at all in the car because I was too busy stuffing my face with my dinner. I always expected Mom to be there for me, but I never realized what it would cost her. I shared a very similar, yet different, relationship with my dad. My dad, well I was Daddy's little girl and I loved him so much, even if we weren't all mushy gushy or showed our love through hugs and kisses. I just loved being with him. He worked as a professor at Laurier, ran his own business, and he still managed to come out and watch all of my sporting competitions and give me advice after each game on what I had to improve. We talked sports together, or about business and what to invest in, or about how school was going as we ate family dinners (which we normally ate together—especially on weekends, if we weren't all dispersed in our busy days).
Then I had a younger sister, Brianne. She was at high school with me and she was brilliant and gorgeous. My acquaintances at school, the guys I knew and would always smile at but generally would just continue walking by, would sometimes joke and ask me if three years was too big an age gap to date somebody—namely my sister. I just rolled my eyes and said that I would like to see that happen. Brianne was very independent and she didn't need a boy in her life to be who she was. She was smart and gorgeous and guys dreamed about being her boyfriend, but none of them dared to try. Brianne was like a little untouchable trophy that nobody could reach. Brianne and I were built-in best friends. We made a bond, pinkie promised and everything, that we would always be each other's best friend and nobody could come between us. Sure, she would steal my clothes and tell me I smelt bad, but we loved hanging out with one another. She was my little sister and I would do anything for her, even if it meant that when we were at the cottage I would sleep on the bad side of the bed, the side without the alarm clock.
My older brother, on the other hand, he was a genius. When I say genius I mean pure Einstein genius. He was expected to cure cancer or come up with the E=MC2 of our time. Carter went to Waterloo for nanotechnology engineering and he lived at home. I would see glimpses of him and we would talk and catch up. He helped me with my homework and I would tell him about my life. He had the best girlfriend ever, but I'm pretty sure she liked him way more then he would ever like her. All I knew was she was a bombshell, prom queen in high school, at University of Waterloo for math, and a nice person to boot. Carter seemed to have all his ducks in a row, as some would say. He was super focused on school and it felt different having a part-time brother who would only tease you sometimes and be invisible or locked in his room studying the rest. Carter and I would have intense conversations about things only he and I would be comfortable talking about, and then we wouldn't talk to each other for a day or two except the occasional, 'Night, love you.' I would turn to Carter when I needed advice on my first kiss, which I had not had yet, and which seemed very scary. He was my older brother; he had all the answers, whereas Brianne was my best friend. She had no answers but was always there to hang out and have fun.
My family is the best and I love them, but everybody in my family has their identities and they were always busy running around doing something or another. Therefore, if I wanted to exist and have an identity of my own and not be invisible I had to be busy, too. I joined in the chaos and continued living my busy life.
We had all been placed in a different busy lifestyle. Before we all had our individual identities, our family would hang out all day. True, we still took a break from our busy lives to take family vacations together and we tried to get a family board game night in there, but as we got older our relationships started to change and we became individuals instead of one big family. I missed the times when we were all under the age of seven and my brother would put the pots and pans on both of our heads and my sister would bang on them in our own sibling band. Our family was now what I thought was a 'normal' family in today's world. We were a family where each member was valued and appreciated for his or her own individual identity.
So I was a pretty normal girl, if you asked me. I was one of the happiest girls around but it wasn't because of achievements or keeping too busy to feel the down side of life, it was because of my friends. I usually hung out with two boys, Dixon and Jonah. They were awesome and I loved them like brothers. I would play shot-for-shot with them and they wouldn't go easy on me; I actually got more than one bruise from this game with them. Shot-for-shot is when you each take turns punching the other person, getting increasingly harder to see who is the 'toughest.' They treated me like another boy. I'm pretty sure they called me an honorary boy so I could be included in 'boy's nights.' These boys were very childish and enjoyed going out and being active; they actually did things that were different from the gossip girls my age. My family called them the 'grounder boys', partly because they kept me grounded in my innocence and also because grounders was one of the many childish games we enjoyed playing together. Sure, I had lots of friends that were girls too, but I wasn't as close to them as I was with the boys. The best people in the world surrounded me, and the truth was I had no idea that these amazing people I talk about expanded beyond my grounder boys until one day in May.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Blind Perspective by KRISTYN A. WAGNER Copyright © 2011 by Kristyn A. Wagner. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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