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Overview
"Comprehensive, dignified, conscientious, and nurturing...Very worthwhile for teens and their parents." — Irving N. Klitsner, M.D., F.A.A.P., Founder and former Director, Teen and Young Adult Health Care Center, Kaiser-Permanente of Southern California and Professor of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, USC and UCLA.
You know that it's important to talk with your kids about sex. But if you're like most parents, you get tongue-tied just thinking about having "the big talk." Even if you know exactly what you'd like to say, you may have no idea when or where to begin, or how to get your message across. This book can help.
The Big Talk shows you how to have warm, nurturing conversations about puberty, dating, relationships, and sex. Drawing upon hard-won personal experiences and the experiences of teens and parents whose stories appear throughout this book, Laurie Langford makes communication easy. She shows you how to talk about values and self-respect, setting high standards and sticking to them, and having fun with members of the opposite sex without being pressured into sex too soon. She also supplies sample dialogues, games, role-playing exercises, and other useful tools for breaking the ice and keeping the lines of communications open.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781620457092 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | TURNER PUB CO |
| Publication date: | 09/07/1998 |
| Pages: | 258 |
| Product dimensions: | 1.90(w) x 2.80(h) x 0.50(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Introduction Did your parents give you a complete and useful sex education?
Most people respond to that question with "Yeah, right! The word sex wasn't even mentioned!" About one-third of fifteen-year-old girls and boys say neither parent has talked to them about sex, nor does communication appear to improve as they get older. As a result, most children learn about sex from their peers, school, or the media (that's a scary thought). Teenagers usually begin learning what they need to know after they have become sexually active, if they learn at all.
The "big talk" used to mean Mom or Dad sat you down for one brief discussion about the birds and the bees. The conversation may have included information on anatomy issues such as menstruation and other physical changes. Almost no one remembers exactly what was said, and it rarely made a difference in their lives.
Today, the big talk usually consists of a warning to be "careful," to wait until you're "ready," or to be "safe." It seems that many people have thrown up their arms in despair, resigning themselves to the idea that teenagers are going to be sexual and that the best we can do is teach them how to be safe and responsible. But how safe and responsible is it for a teenager to have sex, even if he or she does use contraception?
Well, I have a few ideas that I think you will find even more helpful as you have the big talk with your child.
I am not a therapist, nor do I claim to be an expert on raising children. The information that I share with you is not based on psychology or years spent obtaining a degree. I write from my own personal experience. Contained in the following pages is everything I wish I had learned throughout my childhood and teen years about sex and dating. Like many of you, I learned everything I now know the hard way, through trial and error. At fourteen I ran away from home, where I received my own version of sex education (not one I would recommend for your child!). I supported myself primarily by playing pool for money, which meant that most of my youth was spent in pool halls and bars. Like every teenager, I thought I knew everything, and I insisted on learning just about everything through painful experience. Living at home was difficult at best. My mother was killed in an auto accident when I was two years old. My father was an alcoholic. This situation, in addition to other problems, prevented my father and stepmother from teaching me valuable life skills. Having the big talk was out of the question. We were dealing with basic survival. During my teen years as well as throughout my twenties, I dated a lot and found myself in relationships, but I didn't have the tools I needed to make them work. I am now thirty-three years old. The past eighteen years have been my training ground for writing this book. Fortunately, I learned from my mistakes. I am now passing on to others what I have learned, including helping parents to teach their kids how to avoid many of the things I ex-perienced. It took me far too long to learn the information I've tried to convey in this book. I was fortunate in that I craved know ledge, and I had a deep longing to learn how to build a relationship and avoid casual sexual relationships. Your child, provided you begin having the big talk now, won't have to learn everything the hard way.
My life experiences led me to write my first book, If It's Love You Want, Why Settle for (Just) Sex? (Prima, 1996). During seminars I gave on the subject, I was often asked by parents, "How can I teach my child these principles before it's too late?" I knew this information could greatly benefit parents, who are more concerned (and in many cases more confused) than ever before, about what to teach their kids on this subject.
Talking about sex with your child is no easy task. I know, because I've spoken to many parents who have told me that this is one of the most uncomfortable aspects of parenting. You don't know what to say or when to say it, your child may be too embarrassed to discuss the subject, and the right time never seems to present itself. I will suggest ways to overcome these obstacles. The first step is to determine what you're going to teach.
You will find The Big Talk different from other books on the subject. Most books are filled with facts, figures, and pictures of body parts. The focus is primarily on anatomical changes during puberty, with a clinical, dry tone. Most authors leave out information on how to date and build a relationship based on love and commitment. Advice on exactly what to say and how to say it is usually not included. While I believe that information on anatomy is important, it certainly wasn't what I desperately needed to know when I was a child and teenager.
What kind of information is crucial for your child to know? For me it was the age at which it was appropriate to become sexual, how to say no to sex without scaring the boy away or hurting his feelings, what sex is really all about and how it changes a relationship, how to behave on a date, what boys find particularly appealing in a girl, and information about love. Boys have their own set of concerns: Should I make a sexual advance, and if so, when? Will I be seen as a wimp if I don't? Do girls like it when you pressure them? How do I ask a girl out? How should I handle rejection? This is the kind of information you will find in the following pages. I will share some of my own childhood experiences throughout the book, as well as the stories of the dozens of parents and teens I've spoken to (their names will be changed). (To avoid redundancy, the words he and she have been used alternately in each chapter of the book. Almost all of the information applies to both sexes, however.) While everyone's childhood and teenage years are different, the information we all need to learn is essentially the same. Your own personal experiences can be your greatest assets in teaching your child about sex and dating. As one mother wisely said, "My mistakes can be my child's lessons."
Be Prepared
Most parents know they have to have the big talk, but they procrastinate. "Our lives are so full, who has the time?" one woman said. "I have no idea what to say!" another mother told me. "I guess I secretly hope that my child will just figure it all out so that I won't have to deal with the embarrassment of discussing it" is how one single father put it. The good news is that having the big talk isn't as complex as it seems. And it isn't just one talk. The big talk is a series of talks that you will have over the course of your child's life. Children don't need long, drawn-out dialogues about every minute detail on sex. They need only a few simple, basic principles explained to them and then consistently reinforced throughout their upbringing. The goal is to help your child learn the skills and tools necessary to avoid having one-night stands, mediocre relationships that lead to despair and unfulfillment, and all the other physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental harm that can come from having casual sex, and to give her the tools she'll need to build a healthy, loving relationship that lasts. This isn't accomplished in one conversation. Make sex, love, and dating open topics in your home by talking opening and honestly about them on a regular basis. If you don't, you may run into problems when you do discuss the subject. Shane, nineteen, would have welcomed discussions about sex if they had been a consistent part of his childhood. "My mom took me through the clinical rundown, then my dad took me for a drive to visit relatives who lived about three hours away. He said, Oh Son, do you know what moral cleanliness means?' I felt trapped. Here we were, in the car alone for three hours. I was mortified. It was just so intimate. If we had been more open and intimate at other times, it would have seemed more casual and comfortable. But it was this one big, un-comfortable talk, and then that was it. He never talked about it again!"
When you know what you're going to say, and how you're going to convey that information, you will actually become passionate about educating your child. At that point, all you need is some time with your child. Getting her to participate is another story. But ideas on how to create open communication are given in chapter 1. If you begin having these conversations when your child is younger, you'll have a much easier time talking to her about this subject when she reaches her teens. Having these talks will help your child develop control over her own life. As your child reaches her teens, you'll be able to let go of the reins somewhat because high standards will already have been established. Actual dialogues are presented in each chapter, so you'll know exactly what to say and how to say it. You will find that many of the "talks" overlap, and some of the discussions are mentioned more than once but are expressed in a slightly different way. This is because kids forget information that's given to them in one brief conversation. They need to hear the same ideas again and again in order to fully internalize the information. Read through The Big Talk and discuss it with your spouse. If you are divorced, discuss the contents of the book with your ex-spouse and determine what information you should convey to your child. For your child's sake, the two of you should do your best to present a unified front. Also, gather brochures and pamphlets from various organizations, and go to the library and bookstores to get copies of books on the subjects of parenting, sex, dating, self-esteem, and love. Attend the sex-ed class being held at your child's school, and obtain a copy of the curriculum or workbook she w ill be using. Many parents trust that educators will give their children valuable information but are later appalled at what is actually being taught.
In The Arizona Republic, the author, Michael Chiusano, wrote about a first grader who came home and told his father that women could change themselves into men and men into women. It seems that the child's teacher was offering detailed information about the sex-change process. Another school, in Newton, Massachusetts, gave seventh graders "graphic descriptions of oral and anal sex." Chiusano wrote: "Across the country, bizarre and intrusive programs are part of everyday business in public (and private) schools, a world virtually at war with the everyday values of parents." Parents are not notified in advance about what will be taught. Be proactive and find out for yourself what is being taught before your child is exposed to information that may conflict with your own values. The fact that kids are hearing about these things in grade school is all the more reason to start educating your child early.There is so much information your child will receive on a daily basis that may contradict what you believe. In order for you to combat this flow of damaging and life-threatening information, you need to consistently teach higher principles in your own home.
Be Confident
Many parents I spoke with made comments like "I wouldn't dare say that to my kid!" or "My son would never go for that!" But remember, you are the parent, the one who sets the rules, the adult. If you've lost control, get it back! Have a family meeting and announce that some serious changes are going to be made, new rules are going to be established (your child can help determine some of the rules), and that there will be consequences for those who fail to follow these rules. It's a fair system because everyone will know what's expected as well as the consequences of not complying. You will determine which rules to establish as you read through this book. One mother who did this said, "This way your kids can't get mad at you, because you're just enforcing the rule that has been established in your home. You just keep pointing out that it's the law that says this is the way it is!"
Teenagers will whine, pout, get angry, refuse to talk to you, and use a thousand other tactics to try to get you to compromise and bend the rules. But for the good of your child, you have to stand firm and not cave in. Explain that the rule is in place to protect her, not to make her miserable. Most teenagers will appreciate having clear guidelines to follow. One teen girl admitted, "A lot of parents let their kids do whatever they want. Even though it's a pain sometimes, in the long run I like that my parents have rules."
Also, exude confidence as you present the ideas in this book. One fifteen-year-old boy said, "I don't like talking about sex with my dad because he gets all nervous." Talk matter-of-factly about the subject. Appear casual, confident, and prepared. This will make your child feel more comfortable about the process. Having the talks that relate to teenagers can be difficult, because when kids reach their teens they usually want to pull further away from their parents. They want to spend more time with their friends. Make being at home with the family and talking about meaningful issues attractive by adding fun and creating a sense of harmony in your home. Your child should know that participating is mandatory. When an adolescent says, "I don't want to talk about this stuff with you!" you can respond with, "I'm sorry you feel that way because we're going to have a lot of these kinds of talks." Discussing important, meaningful issues should become a part of your family culture.
Teach Abstinence
The Big Talk will show you how to teach your child to abstain from sex until marriage based on practical reasons that this is the best choice. Chapter 6 explores other options, such as waiting until she reaches adulthood and is in a committed, loving relationship or is engaged to be married. I feel passionate about teaching abstinence until marriage because of my own personal experiences, as well as because I've seen the devastation that can come with premarital sex in the teenagers and single adults I've spoken to. But you will have to explore the options for yourself and determine exactly what values you want to impart to your child based on your own religious and moral beliefs. The information in chapter 6 will help you clarify your own beliefs on this matter.Your child needs to learn early that it is possible to wait until marriage, that even though it may seem as if everyone else is doing "it," she doesn't have to. She needs to be able to clearly articulate what her sexual standards are ("I am waiting until marriage"), and to know how to respond to sexual advances. She needs to understand that she is in charge of her body, and that no one can make her do something she doesn't choose to do. And she needs to know how to relate to the opposite sex, so that she can have positive dating experiences.
Methods of Teaching
The next step is determining how you will convey the information. Within each chapter you will find several "talks" to have with your child at various times in her childhood. You choose the time and place, preferably when you can be alone with your child without interruptions. Because the big talk involves having many conversations over a long period of time, you will have to be creative about coming up with private moments. You might want to take your child out to her favorite restaurant, go for a drive, or stay up late some evenings when you can talk privately. You can also establish a weekly family night where the entire family meets to discuss various topics. (This will be covered in more detail in chapter 1.) Some of the discussions can be initiated more spontaneously, for example, as you're watching a movie at home, or when you're talking about a friend or family member who just found out that she's pregnant. There are always opportunities that allow you to talk about the subject without its appearing to be planned or contrived.
Each chapter also contains metaphors, games, role-playing exercises, and hypothetical examples for you to use as teaching tools. You can prepare your child for one-on-one talks by saying, "Next Tuesday night I'd like for us to spend some time together talking about some important issues. I thought we would go out to dinner, just the two of us." If your idea meets with resistance, stand firm. Say, "I thought you would enjoy hanging out with your mom for a change! Listen, this is really important. Besides, we'll have fun. I'm looking forward to spending some time together!" Don't let last-minute things get in the way of your time together. Once a commitment has been made, both of you need to honor that commitment and get together no matter what, barring a real emergency. Let your child know that these discussions are going to be a regular part of her life. Assure her that it won't be too painful, that you want to discuss issues, not preach to her, and that you will always try to include some kind of fun. You probably won't encounter this much resistance if you're talking to a younger child. It's a bit more challenging when you begin having the big talk with a teenager, though. Although it might seem more comfortable for mothers to talk to their daughters, and for fathers to talk to their sons, there's no reason it can't work the other way around. In fact, sometimes it's very effective to do it this way, depending on the kind of rapport you have with your child. The Big Talk is a book of practical information. The message isn't religious per se, but it can work in harmony with whatever your religious beliefs may be. Of course, it is better to begin teaching moral values early, but it's never too late to introduce the principles that are outlined in this book. Discussions that pertain to younger children have to do with the body: teaching your child to care for her body, discussing body parts, and introducing the concepts of sacredness and modesty. Between the ages of eight and twelve, you will go into more detail about sex and reproduction, puberty and establishing sexual standards. With teenagers you'll discuss how to deal with sexual advances and issues relating to dating, love, and relationships. Some parents feel that a child who is between the ages of eight and twelve is too young to learn about sex, whereas others think that if you wait until the child is thirteen or fourteen, it may be too late. You'll have to decide for yourself when you want to have some of these discussions with your child, but I do make specific suggestions for the age at which each talk should occur.
The book has been organized into four parts: "Getting Started," "Setting Sexual Standards," "Handling Sexual Pressures," and "Establishing Healthy Relationships." Relationship issues are covered last because I believe kids should determine their sexual standards first. Learning how to develop a healthy relationship will make more sense once your child knows how she should handle the sexual aspect of a relationship. I have found that sexual advances usually surface before relationship issues do.
Please don't procrastinate! Studies show that kids want their parents to talk to them about sex. Most teenagers know that they have too little information and knowledge about sex and dating, even though they don't like to admit this fact. But young people do want to learn and, believe it or not, most adolescents still think that their parents are the most reliable source for helpful information. In fact, most adolescents agree with their parents' views on many issues: education, family, being responsible, and so on. They may not verbalize their agreement, but they do share many of the same values.
Sometimes it takes a while for teenagers to realize that, just maybe, parents know what they're talking about. But don't give up. As Mark Twain said, "When I was eighteen I thought my father didn't know a thing. At twenty-one I was amazed at how much he learned in three short years!" These crucial years ahead can be painful and confusing for your child. Or they can be uplifting, wonderful, and inspirational, as you go about the business of preparing her for a life of love and happiness. May this book act as your guide in providing your child with a solid foundation of wisdom about sex, dating, and love that will serve her throughout her life.
Table of Contents
GETTING STARTED.Creating Open Communication.
"You Are the Landlord of Your Own Body".
Sex and Reproduction.
Changes During Puberty.
Sex Is Not Just Physical.
SETTING SEXUAL STANDARDS.
The Benefits of Teaching Abstinence.
Establishing Standards.
Additional Ways to Make Abstinence the Standard.
It's Never Too Late to Re-Virginate!
HANDLING SEXUAL PRESSURES.
How to Say No.
Controlling Sexual Impulses.
Establishing Priorities.
Contraception, STDs, and Pregnancy.
ESTABLISHING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
Setting Dating Guidelines.
Attracting the Opposite Sex.
Building a Loving Relationship.
The Big Talk Checklist.
Index.