BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts

by Bill Eddy, Annette Burns, Kevin Chafin

Overview

"Coparenting is hard in any circumstance and when doing it with someone that has a high conflict personality, can seem impossible. The first step is to admit that you are outmatched in every way except for the ability to learn new skills related to the high conflict personality. My life did not change until I began to read and understand and start using tools like BIFF. I couldn’t help my children because I couldn’t help myself and until I learned new tools, felt hopeless. Using BIFF will give you hope that change is possible.” A.C., parent

Use BIFF to Communicate with Your Ex's Blaming, Accusing and Taunting Texts and Emails

In divorce and co-parenting, not only do you need to deal with your own emotions, you may be faced with a daily barrage of hostile calls, texts, email, and social media blasts. How can you regain a sense of control and peace for your own sake and for the kids?

For more than a decade, the BIFF method of responding to hostile and misinforming emails, texts, and conversations has grown in use by thousands of people dealing with a difficult co-parent and with those who may have a high conflict personality, and it helps with those who don't. This third book in the BIFF™ Conflict Communication Series is especially devoted to parents dealing with issues during, and after, separation and divorce. Complete with instructions in the four-step BIFF method, and numerous practical examples, readers will learn the intricacies of their new parenting environment.

When parents use this approach, not only do they feel good about their end of the written or verbal conversation, but it tends to influence the other parent to communicate more productively as well. While it's simple and practical, it's not natural for most of us because we are hooked by the emotional intensity. This book can help you reduce the conflict and regain your sanity by learning what to write and what not to write.

Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm

BIFF is a communication game changer—it works!

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781950057108
Publisher:	High Conflict Institute Press
Publication date:	11/03/2020
Series:	Conflict Communication Series , #3
Pages:	246
Sales rank:	302,489
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x (d)
Age Range:	17 - 18 Years

About the Author

Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator, and the co-founder and Chief Innovation Officer of the High Conflict Institute. He was the senior family mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center for 15 years, a Certified Family Law Specialist lawyer representing clients in family court for 15 years, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker therapist with twelve years of experience. He serves on the faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine UniversitySchool of Law in California and is a Conjoint Associate Professor with the University of Newcastle Law School in Australia. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 30 U.S. states and 10 countries. He is the author or co-author of twenty books and has a popular blog on the Psychology Today website with over 4 million views. Bill lives in San Diego, California.

Annette Burns is an attorney and a certified Family Law Specialist, practicing in Arizona. She is a past president of the international interdisciplinary organization the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC), a nonprofit organization of over 5000 international family law related professionals. She has been a Fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), a national organization composed of the nation’s top attorneys since 2001. She is a co-author of the Thompson Reuters publication Arizona Family Law Rules Handbook and she served on every Arizona Supreme Court Committee that created, adopted and revised the Arizona Rules of Family Law Procedure from 2003 through the present. Her awards include the Community Legal Services/ Children’s Law Center Mentor of the Year Award and the State Bar of Arizona Family Law Section Lifetime Achievement Award. She has been named a SuperLawyer every year from 2007-2020 and one of Superlawyers’ Arizona’s Top Female Attorneys in 2013, 2014 and 2019. Her private practice in Arizona focuses on family law, including a wide variety of neutral positions including parenting coordination, mediation, Special Master, expert witness opinions, and the representation of children. Annette lives in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Kevin Chafin is a mediator and Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice in Kansas City, Missouri. He is the current president of the board of the Missouri Chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (MO–AFCC.) He has more than 30 years' experience with family and domestic court systems. Coparenting counseling is a large part of his practice, often with high conflict families. He is a regular presenter on topics related to mediation as well as court involved counseling with parents and children. Kevin lives and practices in the vibrant Westport area of Kansas City, Missouri.

Read an Excerpt

You are holding in your hands the key to peaceful coparent communication. Since 2007, we have taught approximately half a million people the BIFF communication method through our books and seminars. The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. So many people tell us that they have shared this method with others, so there may be about a million people using this method today. You are in good company. The more people that use this method, the more peaceful the world will be.

We are very excited and pleased that you have chosen to learn the BIFF method of coparent communication. We believe it will make your life easier and less stressed, even when being attacked, accused, or misinformed in writing by a coparent—or anyone! BIFF communications are simple but take practice. By the time you are done reading this book and its examples, you may be able to write BIFF communications in your sleep!

It’s NOT All Your Fault!

You know that coparenting is a unique and fascinating and often frustrating relationship. Even when parents are still a couple, it can be fraught with hurt and blame. But between separated parents, it can become a minefield for fear, anger, and bullying. Trying to coparent with someone who is hurt and vengeful can result in communications that don’t benefit and in fact hurt your child.

Hearing things like “This is all YOUR fault” or “You’re a disgrace and a terrible parent” have long-lasting detrimental effects. They make you, a parent, feel worthless and less than adequate. Even if someone thinks they can handle verbal abuse, long-term damage is done to a relationship if verbal communications aren’t improved.

Fortunately, there are things you can do on your own that will help your communications with a coparent who may be (putting it mildly) a very poor communicator. However, the BIFF method of communicating will help you with any coparent, including a reasonable one. BIFF helps you stay reasonable most of the time regardless of how your coparent communicates.

Learning not to take things personally is perhaps the best skill you can develop as a coparent. Problems that arise are not (necessarily) about you, no matter what you are accused of. If you know you’re doing your best in a given situation, then you can be more confident that accusations made against you are not about you!

Most of us have said something accusatory or mean when we’ve lost it with our coparent. We can work to make sure those attacks don’t happen too often. Some people communicate in bullying or angry ways often, or exclusively. The first and best way to deal with those angry communicators are to know that the personal attacks are not about you. They are about the blamer’s inability to communicate, to control himself, and to solve problems.

Table of Contents

Preface: How BIFF Was Born i

Introduction: About This Book vii

SECTION 1

Chapter 1 Blamespeak 1

Chapter 2 Writing a BIFF Communication 11

Chapter 3 Avoid the Three A's: Admonishments, Advice, and Apologies 29

Section 2

Chapter 4 BIFFs About Routine Coparenting 45

Chapter 5 BIFFs About Education 67

Chapter 6 BIFFs About Healthcare 83

Chapter 7 BIFFs About Activities 109

Chapter 8 BIFFs About Finances 125

Chapter 9 BIFFs About Changes to Plans and Schedules 139

Chapter 10 BIFFs for Social Media 157

Section 3

Chapter 11 Coaching for BIFF™ 173

Chapter 12 You Decide 189

Appendices

Appendix A Top 12 Tips for CoParent Boundaries 199

Appendix B What to Tell Children About a High Conflict CoParent (And What Not to Say) 207

Appendix C Calming Upset People with EAR 213

Conflict Playbook 220

Acknowledgements 221

About the Authors 222