Most of us wish to modify, improve, and change our behavior in some way—perhaps making healthier decisions, building better relationships, or handling stress more effectively. Embracing the belief that effective behavior resides within each individual, Behavior Change does not tell readers what they need to do differently—but rather illuminates the process of changing behavior based on four fundamental principles:
* Awareness and acceptance are the first steps to creating lasting change
* Understanding what holds habitual behavior in place is key to doing things differently
* Improvement means making a new choice and replacing old behavior patterns with more effective and productive ones
* Reinforcement emphasizes that practice with feedback brings improvement
For business leaders, teachers, therapists, coaches, or anyone who wants to make positive changes to their own behavior, this guide can start you on your way.
Most of us wish to modify, improve, and change our behavior in some way—perhaps making healthier decisions, building better relationships, or handling stress more effectively. Embracing the belief that effective behavior resides within each individual, Behavior Change does not tell readers what they need to do differently—but rather illuminates the process of changing behavior based on four fundamental principles:
* Awareness and acceptance are the first steps to creating lasting change
* Understanding what holds habitual behavior in place is key to doing things differently
* Improvement means making a new choice and replacing old behavior patterns with more effective and productive ones
* Reinforcement emphasizes that practice with feedback brings improvement
For business leaders, teachers, therapists, coaches, or anyone who wants to make positive changes to their own behavior, this guide can start you on your way.
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Overview
Most of us wish to modify, improve, and change our behavior in some way—perhaps making healthier decisions, building better relationships, or handling stress more effectively. Embracing the belief that effective behavior resides within each individual, Behavior Change does not tell readers what they need to do differently—but rather illuminates the process of changing behavior based on four fundamental principles:
* Awareness and acceptance are the first steps to creating lasting change
* Understanding what holds habitual behavior in place is key to doing things differently
* Improvement means making a new choice and replacing old behavior patterns with more effective and productive ones
* Reinforcement emphasizes that practice with feedback brings improvement
For business leaders, teachers, therapists, coaches, or anyone who wants to make positive changes to their own behavior, this guide can start you on your way.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781600379819 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Morgan James Publishing |
| Publication date: | 04/01/2009 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 112 |
| File size: | 476 KB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Our Internal Operating System
(How We Contribute to Our Own Reality)
"Human beings are the only species that have the ability to get in the way of their own growth."
— Fritz Perls
We all encounter people who want us to change our behavior, from our early childhood to as recently as today. Parents, teachers, managers, priests, rabbis, ministers, counselors, therapists, coaches, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, society — all request us to change. Sometimes we ourselves want to change. But how do we go about it? It's ironic that we're never taught how to change our behavior.
It has been said that sometimes people only change when the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain of changing. I propose that by understanding how we function as human beings we can choose to change without waiting for pain to motivate us.
Facilitating effective communication skills, specifically interpersonal "people skills" for mid- and upper-management, continues to challenge and teach me lessons about how and why people behave the way they do. Many of my clients work in the information technology industry, such as IBM, Apple Computer, Microsoft, Adobe, Cisco, and Sybase. I have observed that many engineers and technically trained individuals usually don't have very strong interpersonal skills; it's typically not their strength.
When we consider "people skills," we simply believe that an individual either has them or they don't. Much of my work involves helping others through the process of behavior change, whether it's learning to improve their interpersonal skills or simply changing the way they do things. My experience has shown me that changing behavior can be learned at any age.
When organizations conduct employee surveys, many responders may say, "Management doesn't listen to us," prompting human resources managers to hire trainers, consultants, or coaches like myself to help their managers become better listeners. Everyone in an eight- or even four-hour class of "Active Listening Skills" can learn the technique. Yet I found that for some reason only a small percentage of such managers actually change their behavior when they arrive back on the job. A few clearly respond to the new skill and integrate and use it in their work process. Some experiment with it, but when they encounter a difficult situation, they tend to discard the new skill altogether. Others never intend to use it, as they don't believe it will make a difference. They don't seem to value listening in general, or what his or her employees have to say.
Why do those who choose to use the new skills, when put under stress or duress, revert back to their old habits? In the mid-'80s, my initial concern over this and other such questions encouraged me to examine my role and effectiveness as a trainer, consultant, and coach and to explore how much behavior change actually takes place. I began looking for the key, tool, insight, or "ah ha!" that enables people to effectively let go of an old habit and completely integrate a new behavior.
I intuitively found that my behavior originated from an internal structure or process inherent to the human being, and I believed it was the same for others. How odd, I thought, that so many of us don't know who we are and live a perpetual quest to "know thyself," as Socrates said. I said, "Isn't it our birthright to know who we are and why we are here?"
I call this internal structure within each human being: Our Internal Operating System. Bill Gates has recently referred to the Digital Nervous System in his book, Business @ The Speed of Thought. He asserts that an organization, like a computer, can learn from the human to become even more effective. On the other hand, I am fascinated by what human beings can learn from the computer to become more effective people.
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
— Anais Nin
This simple flow diagram illustrates how our internal operating system works:
OUR INTERNAL OPERATING SYSTEM
(How we contribute to our own reality)
CORE BELIEFS
VALUES
ATTITUDE
THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
CHOICES
BEHAVIORS
Our deep set of core beliefs, those ideas we believe to be true about our-selves and the world in which we live, contribute to the formation of our values. Our values, those principles that carry great importance for us, inform our attitude. Our attitude reflects the set of lenses through which we see the world around us. Our core beliefs, values, and attitude exist deep within us, and because they establish the foundation for who we are and how we see the world, we seldom reconsider them. Only when a situation or person questions our values, or we're asked to do something that compromises one of our principles, do we reflect upon what's truly important to us. Such instances are called "value dilemmas". Otherwise most of us assume that we operate the way we do because "that's who we are."
Most of us are in touch with ourselves through our thoughts and feelings. We make choices based on what we think and how we feel. We listen to our head through our logic and to our heart through our emotions. Our choices lead to decisions and thus contribute to our behaviors.
Shakti Gawain first introduced me to the concept of "Be, Do, Have" in her book Creative Visualization. Most of us live our lives from a "Have, Do, Be" approach. For example, first we must get the promotion, then we can behave like a VP so we will be successful. Our Internal Operating System embraces the "Be, Do, Have" approach. For example, by redefining our core beliefs we can begin to experience ourselves as successful, loving, and deserving which will in turn affect our attitude so that we can begin making choices and behaving like successful, loving, deserving people. Such behavior gives us what successful, loving, and deserving people receive. We don't need to have something to believe that we deserve it. By establishing that belief, we can then choose to act "as if" we already have it. Ironically, behaving "as if" manifests what we believe that we deserve; you step into what you've already structured. By simply changing what you believe, it can become your reality. Shift happens!
The succeeding six chapters explain in detail the progression outlined above and invite you to reflect upon each segment of your internal operating system to reveal clearly how you and your operating system work. You will find some exercises in many of the chapters to help you reflect upon the beliefs, values, and thoughts and feelings that are now operating within you. Whether you choose to read this handbook, one chapter a day, or one chapter a week, or read it straight through, it is highly recommended that you do the exercises before proceeding on to the following chapters. By doing so, you will gain greater awareness and will find it easier to make conscious choices as you read through the book. With that awareness and understanding, hopefully you will feel well equipped to change those behaviors that you find to be less effective and to accept and strengthen those that serve you well.
If ya always do whatcha always done, then yer always gonna get whatcha always got.
— Old Southern proverb
CHAPTER 2CORE BELIEFS
OUR INTERNAL OPERATING SYSTEM
(How we contribute to our own reality)
CORE BELIEFS
VALUES
ATTITUDE
THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
CHOICES
BEHAVIORS
"If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning."
— Mahatma Gandhi
As established in Chapter One, deep within us exists a set of core beliefs — those ideas that we believe about ourselves and the world we live in. Whether or not they are true is irrelevant; if we believe them, they become true for us and ultimately contribute to our behavior. For example, if I believe that the world is a friendly place, I behave in an open, curious, trusting, adventurous, and risk-taking manner. With this belief firmly in place, I tend to attract open, curious, friendly, adventurous, risk-taking people, and this supports my belief. "See," I might say, "the world is a friendly place; I make friends everywhere." If instead I believe that the world is a dangerous place, I am more likely to behave in a more closed, cautious, suspicious, mistrusting, and risk-averse manner. And, with this firm belief, guess what I attract? Predators! Walk down the street in any major city in the world appearing defensive and cautious and notice who and what you attract. "See," you will likely say, "the world is a dangerous place; you must always be very careful."
When do we form these core beliefs and what instigates them? And how does our behavior create self-fulfilling prophecies? Core beliefs form at different times in our life. Some develop early in childhood, and by six, seven, or eight years old, they strongly affect our behavior. As we approach adolescence and adulthood, we may reinforce childhood core beliefs and/or form new ones based on our more recent life experiences.
Recently, I conducted a team-building session in Europe for a very large multinational software company, and one of the participants asked, "Can I change my core beliefs, or am I just hard-wired that way?" This insightful question led me to reflect on my own experience with core beliefs. I've found that we can change at that deep level, but it requires both self-awareness and reinforcement.
The following example from my own life illustrates how a core belief develops as well as how to change it. (Using this belief, I demonstrate throughout the book how it affected my internal operating system and contributed to the way I live my life.)
When I was a boy of eight growing up on Long Island, New York, I took my first mathematics test in third grade. I received a grade of 98% out of 100% on my test. Very excited to share the news with my mother, I remember sitting in class somewhat distracted, watching the clock, and waiting until finally three o'clock came. When the final bell rang, I ran the entire way home from school and burst into my house exclaiming, "Mom, Mom, Mom!"
My mother, who had been tending to my baby sister, came into the kitchen and asked, "What's the matter, son?"
"I got a 98 on my math test. Isn't that great?" I replied.
My mother looked at me calmly and asked, "Why didn't you get a 100?"
My mother loved me then, and she still loves me now. She loves her family very much. She meant no harm. She only wanted the best for her children. She may have even said, "That's good. Why didn't you get a 100?" However, that very excited little eight-year-old boy interpreted the message as, "Not quite good enough." Walking away deflated, I took her comment and personalized it further to mean "I'm not quite good enough." I then formed a deep-seated belief that "I am not enough." For the next ten years, I attempted to become enough. I tried earnestly to fill my room with trophies, honors, awards, plaques, and so on. I went out for everything: sports, theater, school politics, and so on. I became an overachiever. I needed one thing: for a very specific someone, my Mom, to tell me that I was enough — just the way I was. I learned how to perform for love and took this core belief and its subsequent attitude into the rest of my life.
Looking back, I realize that I didn't much enjoy all of my achieving. In fact attempting to be a perfect kid became quite stressful, leading to my struggle with asthma for the first eleven years of my life and developing a hiatal hernia by the time I was twenty. When I was in the hospital for the hiatal hernia, the doctors — though not very psychologically oriented — told me that I needed to change my life, or I would kill myself from the inside.
Ironically, after I graduated from college and entered the business world, and had just finished my first project, my boss said, "Great job." Like winning awards and plaques before, I received the acknowledgment that I'd so desperately wanted. But once again, I couldn't let it in. A small, all-too-familiar voice inside my head responded silently, "But I could have done even better. He doesn't know what I left out." I had absorbed my mother's criticism from long ago and had become my own "critical parent."
Until a few years ago, I lived my life with the belief that "I am not enough," watching my behavior vacillate between trying to be the best and not wanting to try at all. Even though I was successful as a teacher/coach/trainer/consultant, no matter how well I did; no matter how much my clients liked my work; and no matter how much my parents, lovers, family, and friends loved me, I was never satisfied with myself. After practicing meditation for many years, studying psychology, and reading many insightful books by great teachers, I finally came to realize that only changing my deepest beliefs could change this pattern. I knew I must shift my thinking in order to bring personal satisfaction into my life. I decided to experiment with altering my experience — to see what life would be like if I changed a core belief. For one week, I committed to a new core belief: "I am enough." Immediately the small voice inside my head resisted and said, "You will not be very productive." It knew what drove my productivity. Nevertheless, I persevered, trying the new belief on for size. It became my focus in everything I did. I would begin each morning writing in a journal to reinforce this new belief. I would write myself notes and leave them around the house. I would say it out loud, when I was alone. To my surprise, at the end of the week I noticed that I had actually been more effective and productive than ever before. I realized that prior to that week, and for as long as I could remember, I performed to win approval: "Do you love me now?" "Am I good enough now?" I always believed that I was a very giving person. It was only after this short experiment, that I came to understand how so much of my behavior was really about my need to get. The act of giving was my attempt to get something back in return. I performed for love.
My short experiment proved to me that even long-held core beliefs could be changed. My new belief created new behavior supported by my deep need to give. I uncovered a real meaning for my existence — the great satisfaction of truly giving. I learned that discipline was required in order to train my self in new ways of thinking and being.
I also discovered many other core beliefs that had operated within me, such as, "I can add value to this life" and "I can make a difference." Reflecting upon these other core beliefs, I discovered that they also came from my parents. I remember them saying, "Son, you can do anything you put your heart and mind to," and "You can make a difference in people's lives." When I pointed out injustices that I saw when young, my mother wisely advised me, "Don't just complain about it; do something to change it." Our more "critical" beliefs tend to overshadow the more "supportive" beliefs. Some examples of critical beliefs are "not good enough," "not loveable," "not as smart as others," "can't compete with others," "I don't add any value." Some of the more supportive beliefs are "I can make a difference," "I'm very capable," "I'm loveable," "I have a unique gift to give to the world," "I have value." When we shift the "critical" beliefs, our newfound awareness opens us to discover and reap the benefits of the "supportive" beliefs. (It is important to note that usually more than one belief operates within us at a given time.)
Becoming aware of the beliefs that operate within us, understanding what keeps them in place, making a different choice, and reinforcing a new belief, all allow us to create lasting change.
The exercise below offers an introduction to working with your core beliefs, followed by a process to help you change, or at least modify, a belief or any aspect of your life that you think needs improvement.
EXERCISE: IDENTIFY YOUR CORE BELIEFS
Use this simple but revealing exercise to introduce yourself to a group, to another person, or perhaps to yourself — and to learn about your core beliefs.
1. Take ten minutes in silence and identify the most important people, places, and events that have contributed to who you are right now at this moment in your life.
2. Next, take five minutes to share this information, out loud, with a group or another person. It's your life story. It's not necessary to use the entire five minutes, but don't exceed the five-minute limit. The time constraint encourages you to spontaneously choose these key people, places, and events from a place of inner knowing rather than to deliberate and analyze who and/or what has greatly influenced who you are and how you live. If you prefer to work with this exercise privately, you can either write down what you would say or speak it into a tape recorder. In either case, make sure to limit yourself to only five minutes. (See my own story on pages xxvi-xxix, that told of those important people, places, and events that contributed to who I am today.)
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Behavior Change"
by .
Copyright © 2009 HANK FIEGER.
Excerpted by permission of Morgan James Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Dedication,
Acknowledgements,
Acclaim,
Preface,
Introduction,
CHAPTER ONE: Our Internal Operating System,
CHAPTER TWO: Core Beliefs,
CHAPTER THREE: Values,
CHAPTER FOUR: Attitude,
CHAPTER FIVE: Thoughts and Feelings,
CHAPTER SIX: Choices,
CHAPTER SEVEN: Behaviors,
FINAL THOUGHTS,
RECOMMENDED READING,
TOOLS FOR YOUR TOOLBELT,
NEXT STEPS,
ABOUT THE AUTHOR,