Beautiful Black Women Don't Need Stupid Black Men: They Need Beautiful Black Love
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Beautiful Black Women Don't Need Stupid Black Men: They Need Beautiful Black Love
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781466948174 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Trafford Publishing |
| Publication date: | 08/02/2012 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 188 |
| File size: | 709 KB |
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Beautiful Black Women Don't Need Stupid Black Men: They Need Beautiful Black Love
By Cornell Martin
Trafford Publishing
Copyright © 2012 Cornell MartinAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4669-4816-7
Chapter One
Unfaithfulness and BetrayalInfidelity. Disloyalty. Adultery. Unfaithfulness. Betrayal. In the world of Black relationships, it seems as if all of these words describe the actions executed by a great number of Black American men. Whether these actions are influenced by popular culture or passed down from one generation to the next, or both, is arguable. However, the origin or cause of such actions, though important, is not more important than the need to modify the beliefs that fuel these actions. So, in order to effect positive change in the world of Black relationships, it is imperative that we discuss both belief origin and belief modification. The solution to our problem lies in the proper alteration of misguided ideology, not just in acquired knowledge about misguided ideology's beginnings. Therefore, on the subject of unfaithfulness and betrayal, this chapter explores one aspect of the misguided ideology that leads to the stupid behavior carried out by Black Men involved in Black relationships. So, too, do the following eight chapters. But the belief modification aspect of this discussion will be addressed in Chapter 10. In this first chapter, however, let us elaborate on the stupidity of unfaithfulness and betrayal, and the problems these things cause regarding Black relationships.
One thing I must note before moving on is that what is generally accepted is not always true. Popular opinion says that, in order to find a solution to a problem, one must first find its cause or origin. However, I beg to differ. When firefighters are called to a burning building, they put the fire out first and then begin investigating the fire's origin. When a reckless driver is on the run from policemen, the policemen's primary objective is putting an end to the reckless driver's getaway. Once the driver is stopped, discovering the exact cause or origin of his getaway attempt is usually the secondary objective. These simple examples prove that a problem can be solved without primary focus upon a problem's origin. So, if unfaithfulness and betrayal in Black relationships is a problem, and indeed it is, then we should focus on stopping the problem instead of worrying only about where it all started. With that said, let us move on.
Misguided Ideology
In general, in America, when it comes to misguided ideology, as much as I hate to say this, Black Men's ideology is atop of the list of that which is most misguided. This does not apply to all Black Men, of course. But an honest person cannot deny the fact the large numbers of Black Men do some really stupid things—especially to their Beautiful Black Women. They are the ones who the late author Carter G. Woodson would no doubt label "miseducated." Such Black Men are found wherever there are Black Men. And, the younger they are, it seems, the stupider they are. To show you what I mean, here are two accounts of my encounters with such men.
Approximately two weeks ago, while I was preparing to take a test for American Sign Language interpreting, I met a 20-year-old, African-American man who, after seeing me signing with a friend, approached me and claimed to have a sincere interest in learning American Sign Language. This turned into a somewhat lengthy conversation about the Deaf community. He asked many questions about Deaf culture. He wanted to know what motivated me to learn how to sign. And, just when I was beginning to believe that I had a new, sincere, potentially serious sign language student, he dropped a stupid bomb on me. "Man, what's up with all the sexy deaf women?" he asked. "I know sex with them is hot!" he continued. After intelligently "putting him in check" and telling him that I did not like or appreciate his question and comment regarding Deaf women, I changed the subject by asking him if he had a girlfriend. He said he did. I then asked him if she was Black and, if so, did he think she would like or appreciate hearing him discussing another woman in such a way. "Yeah, she's black," he said. "But I'm the breadwinner and man of the relationship, so I can do what I want. I don't care what she thinks, and she knows this." Then, realizing how stupid this guy was, I just turned and walked away, left him standing there looking even stupider as I departed.
More recently, two days ago to be exact, I got a letter from a friend I had not heard from in quite some time. He has his own unique way of writing letters. Each page he writes covers a different topic. This letter is six pages. In the order in which they are written, I consider these pages smart, smart, wise, dumb, unnecessary, and stupid. Here is why. On the first page, my 25-year-old friend says he just opened a new business, of which he is the CEO (smart). On the second page, he explains how he is pursuing a Bachelor's degree in Business Administration (smart). On the third page, he explains how he intends to funnel every cent of his profit back into his business, and just take care of his essential needs with the money he makes on the side (wise). On page four, however, he states that he his having lots of unprotected sex (dumb). On page five, he says that he needs to start another business of the same kind, without first waiting to see if his first business will survive (unnecessary). And, on the final page, he says his girlfriend suspects he is cheating, but he will not stop cheating because "we only live once" (stupid).
Both of these men obviously have misguided ideologies concerning women. Both are breadwinners in relationships with Beautiful Black Women, yet both are unfaithful, cheating just for the hell of it. If this is not stupid, then I do not know what it is. They do not consider the feelings of, and do not respect, Black Women. But young Black Men are not the only ones with misguided ideologies. Older Black Men fall into this category, too. Consider the following two accounts additional examples of Black Male Stupidity.
About five months ago, I met a 40-something-year-old, married Black Man who is very active in the Black Church. In fact, he is extremely active in it. He likes to comment that he "lives and breathes everything that the church is about." But I have since learned that the only thing he lives and breathes is infidelity. Last month, he told me about an "experience" he had with a woman he met at church. According to him, while his wife was away on a church retreat in another state, this woman "popped up" at his house one Saturday morning and "devilishly seduced" him. He said she showed up on his doorstep crying and asking him to let her in so that he could pray for her. After they prayed together, he said, she told him that the guy she was seeing slapped her around during an argument. Then, the next thing he, this active churchgoer, knew, they were down on the floor having passionate sex—something he had not shared with his wife in over a year. And now he feels guilty about his infidelity.
I met another man about a year ago, an older Black Man in his late 50s. He and his wife have been married since before I was born, which is more than 29 years. I also met his wife, who is as sweet as sweetness can be. She not only loves him to death but also supports him in everything he does. So much so that, if he were to one day decide to bungee jump from the very top of the Washington Monument with a lengthy shoestring in place of a bungee cord, she would probably fall to sudden death beside him—and enjoy it. Yes, I believe that she loves him just this much. And I swear I am not exaggerating. Well, anyway, this man, I later discovered, cheated on his wife dozens of times with a woman half his age. He claims he was addicted to Viagra, which he believes made him cheat.
The first man cheated on his wife because the two of them had not had sex in a while, and he was too weak to maintain his composure in the presence of a distraught, attractive woman. The second man gave in to his lust for younger women and ended up cheating on his spouse. Judging from this and what I personally know about these men, I can reasonably state that their ideologies were, frankly, fucked up. The first man believed that it is okay to cheat on a woman if she steers clear of sex for a while. The second man believed that, if a wife is overly supportive, then a husband can cheat on her and get away with it. Both of these men are stupid. Their viewpoints are distorted. They, like the two younger Black Men mentioned prior, are prime examples of Black Men with misguided ideologies. And their unfaithfulness is more than just unfaithfulness—it is utter betrayal. In the world of Black relationships, the worst thing Black Men can do is betray their Beautiful Black Women. Yet, great numbers of our women (when I say "great numbers," I mean millions) have been betrayed by our actions, disgraced, and dishonored by our stupidity. This causes a great deal of problems.
Problems Caused by Unfaithfulness and Betrayal
After studying a large number of relationships that have been affected—and sometimes utterly destroyed—by infidelity, I have concluded that infidelity in relationships causes five primary problems. These problems are:
1. Loss of trust.
2. Complication of forgiveness.
3. Worsening of existing problems.
4. Setting of bad examples for children.
5. Potential destruction of the scorned partner's future relationships.
By no means do these five problems encompass all of the problems caused by unfaithfulness and betrayal. However, I believe that any other problems caused by infidelity can be considered sub-problems of those that are listed above. Now, let us elaborate on these problems.
Loss of Trust
Oftentimes, because women are such fragile creatures, despite how "hard" some may seem on the surface, it takes a lot for them to trust a man. This is particularly true regarding most Black Women. Such women study the men they are involved with, learn everything they need to know about them before they open their hearts to these men. And only when they are convinced that letting down their guards will not get them hurt will they open up and allow themselves to trust these men. And, when things get serious and strong bonds are created, all of the walls surrounding these women's emotions usually come down. This may not mean much to men but, to women, this is a big deal. One wrong move by a man can cause a woman's trust to fade away into the darkness of Never Again Land. Trust that took years to build can vanish in seconds.
I have talked to many Black Men about this, and many of them, in so many words, said that breaking their women's trust was one of the stupidest things they could have ever done. They said that, after their women found out about their infidelity, they had to go through hell to gain their women's trust again. And this newly earned trust, from what they told me, is not as strong as the trust their women had before. According to one Black Man I talked to, even though his fiancée decided to remain engaged to him after he cheated, her "spider senses go off" every time he is anywhere near another woman. He said that, no matter how much he tries to make things right, she will never again trust him the same way she used to, which causes him to feel perpetually guilty.
This is usually what happens when a Black Man betrays a Black Woman's trust and he and that woman stay together. After his woman's trust factor hits zero, things are never the same again. That man is subject to suspicion, even when he is one hundred percent innocent, which is both uncomfortable and stressful, though he brought all of this upon himself. But, most of the time, a Black Woman will not stand for this and will leave his unfaithful ass. And, when this happens, it is oftentimes "bye-bye" to Beautiful Black Love.
Complication of Forgiveness
In life, period, once trust is broken and betrayed, it is oftentimes hard for any person hurt by betrayal to forgive the person who has betrayed her or him. In fact, for as long as I can remember, forgiveness has always been one of my greatest struggles. So, in many ways, I understand how hard it is for betrayed women to forgive their betrayers. When it comes to relationships, especially those in the Black world, complication of forgiveness that is caused by infidelity throws relationships off balance. And, if a relationship is not balanced, it falls victim to its unbalanced aspects. Here are two examples of unbalanced relationships that unfaithfulness has rendered unstable.
Lynn and Brian have been together for seven and a half years. At the beginning of their relationship, Lynn, who has been hurt before, tells Brian not to break her heart, to be a real man who does not play childish games with people's emotions. Brian promises to be the real man he is always claiming to be. He says he will never cheat on her. But, five years into the relationship, Brian and Lynn begin having some problems that lead to frequent arguments. After one particularly heated argument, they break up for a while and eventually get back together. But Lynn discovers that Brian had sex with one of her so-called friends during the temporary breakup, and Brian is denying that this ever happened. So Lynn's trust factor hits zero. Brian then confesses to cheating, apologizes, says he loves her and wants to start over, and Lynn gives him another chance. But she finds it difficult to forgive him completely. She makes constant reference to his unfaithfulness, rubs it in his face every time they argue about something, even though Brian is completely faithful now. He begs for her forgiveness, but she just cannot find the strength to forgive and forget. So, now they are about to break up again—for good. Who is to blame? Some people would say Lynn, because she will not forgive Brian. But, in reality, Brian is to blame because, during a temporary breakup, he made a stupid, traitorous move.
In another example, Wilbert and Shanel just got married and are fresh off their honeymoon. In Shanel's mind, she is living her dream with the man of her dreams. In Wilbert's mind, Shanel was made for him, and they will ride or die together in love until the end. They are financially stable, have big dreams, and the future seems promising. But, as the years go by, Wilbert realizes that, according to his own ideology, the married life is "not all it is cracked up to be." He finds himself fussing with Shanel about what he believes to be stupid things, but things that are obviously important to her. And sex with her is not the same. To him, this whole "marriage and sex thing" is boring, and he is growing tired of waking up to the same woman with the same problems every day. He yearns to cut loose from the confines of marriage. He wants to be entertained. So, after explaining all of this to one of his bachelor friends, he decides to go out with the "fellas" and have a night on the town.
He and his friends go first to a strip club and then to a concert at the local House of Blues. At the strip club, as he receives a lap dance from a hottie, he reminisces about old times he shared with Shanel, when she would dance and strip for him in the privacy of their own home. But this pisses him off, because it also reminds him of how much Shanel has changed during their marriage. So he and his friends leave. Afterwards, at the concert, another hottie approaches him and requests a dance. As their bodies become one on the dance floor, he is reminded of Shanel again, the way that he and she used to dance. Anyway, he ends up kissing this woman, one thing lead to another, and they have sex all night at a nearby hotel. He does not make it home until the next morning.
Waiting on him for hours, Shanel inquires about where he was and "what he was doing last night," which turns into a heated argument. Pissed, Wilbert admits that he cheated and blames it on her. She then packs her things and leaves. After a two-month separation, they agree to get back together, so she moves back in. He feels guilty about cheating, but she says it is all "old news," not to worry about it. Then she begins cheating behind his back, and he finds out. After a heated argument, he packs his things and leaves. She leaves a message on his voicemail stating that revenge is sweet and she cheated because he broke her heart, destroyed her trust, and she will never forgive him.
Who is the blame attributed to in this example? Although she could have handled the situation a lot better, I believe Shanel's actions do not make her the bearer of blame. She was simply lashing out emotionally because Wilbert betrayed her by doing what he did. Thus, it is his fault—not hers.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Beautiful Black Women Don't Need Stupid Black Men: They Need Beautiful Black Love by Cornell Martin Copyright © 2012 by Cornell Martin. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Contents
Dedication....................ixAcknowledgements....................xi
Author's Note....................xv
Foretroduction A Foreword and Introduction....................xix
Chapter One Unfaithfulness and Betrayal....................1
Chapter Two Physical and Mental Abusers....................15
Chapter Three Mind and Emotion Manipulators....................25
Chapter Four Relationship Parasites....................37
Chapter Five Jealous Black Men in Relationships....................47
Chapter Six Desertion of the Black Mother and Child....................59
Chapter Seven Distorted Perceptions of Beauty....................71
Chapter Eight Stupid Black Men's Corruption of Beautiful Black Women....................83
Chapter Nine Black Men's Inconsiderate Neglect of Black Women....................95
Chapter Ten Beautiful Black Love Acceptance....................109
Chapter Eleven The Loving Nature of the Black Woman....................121
Chapter Twelve Ugly Black Hate....................131
Love Letter to the Beautiful Black Woman—A Lyric Poem....................141
About the Author....................147
Contact the Author....................149