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Overview
Sex, money, in-laws, finances, the laundry on the floor…
Every couple argues. In fact, arguments-whether trivial or significant-are woven into the very fabric of romantic relationships. Most arguments stem from the disconnect between the message we want to send ("I need you to love me, know me, agree with me") and the manner in which we deliver it (with accusations, sulking, put-downs, sarcasm, even exaggerated gesticulations and forceful F-yous!),
A bad argument is nothing more than a failed attempt to communicate. By taking a close look at the most common arguments, The School of Life experts offer practical ideas on how to avoid conflict and improve communication between partners. This book teaches us why arguments happen, what their symptoms are, and how to resolve them effectively.
- A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION: within romantic relationships.
- THE 20 MOST COMMON ARGUMENTS: and how to use them as a catalyst for growth.
- PART OF THE SCHOOL OF LIFE'S LOVE SERIES: focusing on the joys and sorrows of relationships.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781912891115 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | The School of Life |
| Publication date: | 05/05/2020 |
| Series: | The School of Life Love Series |
| Pages: | 160 |
| Product dimensions: | 4.40(w) x 6.30(h) x 0.70(d) |
About the Author
The School of Life is a resource for exploring self-knowledge, relationships, work, socializing, finding calm, and enjoying culture through content, community, and conversation. You can find us online, in stores and in welcoming spaces around the world offering classes, events, and one-to-one therapy sessions.
The School of Life is a rapidly growing global brand, with over 7 million YouTube subscribers, 389,000 Facebook followers, 174,000 Instagram followers and 166,000 Twitter followers.
The School of Life Press brings together the thinking and ideas of the School of Life creative team under the direction of series editor, Alain de Botton. Their books share a coherent, curated message that speaks with one voice: calm, reassuring, and sane.
Read an Excerpt
Thirteen: The Attention-Seeking Argument
One of the most obvious but in practice very hardest things to ask a partner, even one we name in our will and whose life is entirely entwined with ours, is: ‘Do you still love me?’ There would be so many reasons why they might not do so anymore: we might have driven them to the limit with our –admittedly at points – rather challenging behaviour. We’re not getting any younger. There are a lot of other people - especially at work and in the invisible parts of their life - who would have great things to offer them. It’s hard to trust anyone, given what can happen. Furthermore, the signs aren’t necessarily very good at the moment. They spend a lot of time on their phone. They’re a bit distracted. Their thoughts seem elsewhere.
We powerfully long for reassurance and at the same time, what we would need to get this reassurance presents terrors of all its own. It would mean revealing the extent of our vulnerability and of the scale of their power to hurt us. It would mean having to admit how much of our life is in their hands and how deeply we depend on their good opinion for our psychological survival.
Sometimes, the cost can feel just too high – especially if we grew up in families where we got little reassurance that another person would understand our needs. It seems better not to ask too directly. At the same time, their disengaged manner is unbearable as well. In the circumstances, we may find ourselves carrying out one of the strangest manoeuvres witnessed in relationships. We may seek to get their attention accompanied by their anger as an alternative to securing their attention accompanied by their love. We choose to pay the lower price required to get signs that they remember we exist rather than undertaking the far more arduous, rejection-threatening task of securing proof that they still love us. We wait until they are tired and fed up and launch a volley of accusations: you never do much around the house, your job doesn’t pay enough, you’ve become very dull. Or, at dinner with friends, we loudly tell a story about something that happened during their parent’s messy divorce.
What we are really trying to say is: I love you so much. I rely on you to give sense to my life. But instead, we manage to work them up into a rage and ensure that they will say brutal things to us. Of course, their mind is fully trained on us, but it’s far from the kind of attention we were seeking. We who crave their kindness, enthusiasm, compassion and constructive intelligence are on the receiving end of their frustration, wounded pride and self-protective anger.
We should have the courage of our longings. We should build relationships where it is natural, and therefore not too frightening, to seek and receive on a regular basis basic reassurance that we are wanted. We should make friends with our own extreme dependence and not see it as a sign of either weakness or evil. Furthermore, when we next find ourselves on the receiving end of some utterly unfair accusations or aggression from our partner, we should bear in mind that they have probably not turned monstrous: they are simply trying to secure a reminder that we care for them in the only way they know how, by driving us mad.
Table of Contents
IntroductionA brief history of arguments
Types of arguments
One: The Interminable Argument
Two: The Domestic Argument
Three: The Defensive Argument
Four: The Spoiling Argument
Five: The Pathologizing Argument
Six: The Escalation Argument
Seven: The Eve-of-Journey Argument
Eight: The Absentee Argument
Nine: The Identity Argument
Ten: The Argument of Normality
Eleven: The Parental Resemblance Argument
Twelve: The Argument from Excessive Logic
Thirteen: The Attention-Seeking Argument
Fourteen: The Paraphrase Argument
Fifteen: The Argument in Paradise
Sixteen: The Sulk Argument
Seventeen: The Crush Argument
Eighteen: The Lost Item Argument
Nineteen: The Argument from Guilt
Twenty: The No-sex argument
Conclusion: Towards less bitter arguments