Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself

by Mark Epstein M.D.

Overview

“Most people will never find a great psychiatrist or a great Buddhist teacher, but Mark Epstein is both, and the wisdom he imparts in Advice Not Given is an act of generosity and compassion. The book is a tonic for the ailments of our time.”—Ann Patchett, New York Times bestselling author of Commonwealth 

Our ego, and its accompanying sense of nagging self-doubt as we work to be bigger, better, smarter, and more in control, is one affliction we all share. And while our ego claims to have our best interests at heart, in its never-ending pursuit of attention and power, it sabotages the very goals it sets to achieve. In Advice Not Given, renowned psychiatrist and author Dr. Mark Epstein reveals how Buddhism and Western psychotherapy, two traditions that developed in entirely different times and places and, until recently, had nothing to do with each other, both identify the ego as the limiting factor in our well-being, and both come to the same conclusion: When we give the ego free rein, we suffer; but when it learns to let go, we are free.

With great insight, and in a deeply personal style, Epstein offers readers a how-to guide that refuses a quick fix, grounded in two traditions devoted to maximizing the human potential for living a better life. Using the Eightfold Path, eight areas of self-reflection that Buddhists believe necessary for enlightenment, as his scaffolding, Epstein looks back productively on his own experience and that of his patients. While the ideas of the Eightfold Path are as old as Buddhism itself, when informed by the sensibility of Western psychotherapy, they become something more: a road map for spiritual and psychological growth, a way of dealing with the intractable problem of the ego. Breaking down the wall between East and West, Epstein brings a Buddhist sensibility to therapy and a therapist's practicality to Buddhism. Speaking clearly and directly, he offers a rethinking of mindfulness that encourages people to be more watchful of their ego, an idea with a strong foothold in Buddhism but now for the first time applied in the context of psychotherapy.

Our ego is at once our biggest obstacle and our greatest hope. We can be at its mercy or we can learn to mold it. Completely unique and practical, Epstein's advice can be used by all--each in his or her own way--and will provide wise counsel in a confusing world. After all, as he says, "Our egos can use all the help they can get."

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780399564338
Publisher:	Penguin Publishing Group
Publication date:	01/16/2018
Sold by:	Penguin Group
Format:	eBook
Pages:	224
Sales rank:	434,068
File size:	738 KB

About the Author

Mark Epstein, M.D., is a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and the author of a number of books about the interface of Buddhism and psychotherapy, including The Trauma of Everyday Life, Thoughts without a Thinker and Going to Pieces without Falling Apart. He received his undergraduate and medical degrees from Harvard University.

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

1 Right View 19

2 Right Motivation 41

3 Right Speech 65

4 Right Action 85

5 Right Livelihood 105

6 Right Effort 123

7 Right Mindfulness 149

8 Right Concentration 169

Epilogue 189

Acknowledgments 193

Notes 195

Index 199

Editorial Reviews

★ 11/13/2017
Using a mixture of personal stories, Buddhist texts, and Western psychology, Epstein (Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart), a practicing psychiatrist and Buddhist, shares advice and techniques for managing emotions. The book is organized around a framework of the Buddhist eightfold path, which keeps Epstein’s message clear while educating readers in the basics of Buddhist thought. As such, he suggests many ways of controlling the ego, all stemming from meditation practice, like (counterintuitively) not making a big deal out of life-changing events such as the deaths of loved ones and acknowledging unconscious influences in order to overcome them. However, while the first few chapters provide a smooth synthesis of Buddhism and psychiatry, the later chapters (particularly those on mindfulness and concentration) blend the practices less successfully and tend to focus more on mystical Buddhist experiences. Epstein is an excruciatingly honest guide; though an expert in multiple fields, he takes pains to provide advice not as an authority, but through stories that allow readers to draw their own conclusions. To this end, he often includes Buddhist parables and personal anecdotes to illustrate his points. Epstein’s book of practical suggestions will leave readers educated, inspired, and equipped with new tools for psychological health. (Jan.)

Publishers Weekly

Most people will never find a great psychiatrist or a great Buddhist teacher, but Mark Epstein is both, and the wisdom he imparts in Advice Not Given is an act of generosity and compassion. The book is a tonic for the ailments of our time.”—Ann Patchett, New York Times bestselling author of Commonwealth

“Mark Epstein’s Advice Not Given continues his important, fascinating work in exceptionally lucid language. It also offers its readers a collection of fables, vignettes, and personal revelations with the true capacity to rearrange one’s perspective, even change one’s life. I suspect many of these offerings will stay with me for the long haul, for which I’m very grateful.”—Maggie Nelson, New York Times bestselling author of The Argonauts

“Epstein’s book of practical suggestions will leave readers educated, inspired, and equipped with new tools for psychological health.” – Publisher’s Weekly, starred review

“Epstein writes with lightness and reverence. There’s a sense of equanimity and deep trust in the experience of life that’s palpable. If you’ve always wanted to develop a relationship with a kind and reassuring psychiatrist, one who knows your every thought and still accepts you, Advice Not Given will give you a taste of that sort of relationship. You’ll feel a sense of ease and an acceptance of yourself, and for what did and didn’t happen—and for what was and wasn’t said.” – PsychologyToday.com, “The Clarity”

“In Advice Not Given Mark Epstein shares his remarkably practical wisdom, borne of a brilliant interchange between the fundamentals of Buddhism and the insights of psychotherapy. We all can benefit from this advice, given here freely.”—Daniel Goleman, New York Times bestselling author of Altered Traits and Emotional Intelligence

“There are psychologists influenced by Buddhism and Buddhists influenced by psychology, and then there is Mark Epstein, whose deep and humane reflections on healing and self-understanding weave these two great disciplines into a lovely and nuanced whole. As in his other books, only this time more personally and more passionately, Epstein in Advice Not Given offers the reader a rare intelligence and honesty. A pleasure to read and contemplate!” —Norman Fischer, poet, Zen priest, author of What is Zen? Plain Talk for a Beginner's Mind

“An integrative pioneer who has done more than anyone to bridge Buddhism with Western psychotherapy, Mark Epstein has now given us a fine distillation of his work,  exemplified by revealing insights from his life and practice. Written in spare and elegant prose, Advice Not Given urges us toward the discoveries and unexpected sources of consolation that each tradition offers. A memorable experience.” —George Makari, author of Soul Machine: The Invention of the Modern Mind   
 
“Advice Not Given is a beautiful reminder of what matters; intimate, moving, insightful, tender and tough. It invites me to a wiser mind and an open heart.” —Jack Kornfield, author of A Path With Heart

“In times of strife, with a nation divided, and the dire consequences of a warming world sweeping over our lives, Mark Epstein is always there to provide us with a roadmap for a journey of transformation, a pilgrim's path where the goal is not a place but a state of mind, not a destination but an all embracing state of peace, salvation and liberation. He is America's physician of the psyche, healer of the mind, avatar of the heart.”—Wade Davis, author of The Serpent and the Rainbow

“Mark Epstein's Advice Not Given is a truly wonderful book—it held me in its intelligent, kind, and lucid grip all the way through, and gave me back to the world at the end a refreshing bit more over myself. I can see Buddha and Freud smiling to each other, pleased about what a gracious insight their partnership in mentoring Dr. Mark had enabled him to bring about and offer to us all in such a work. I cannot recommend this work highly enough to anyone who wants to take better notice of what makes human life so exquisitely worthwhile. A true treasure of a guide to being real.”—Robert A. F. Thurman, Jey Tsong Khapa Professor of Buddhism at Columbia University, and author of Man of Peace: The Illustrated Life Story of the Dalai Lama of Tibet

“Extraordinary. Mark Epstein does a remarkable job in bringing together the traditions of Buddhism and psychotherapy into an immensely useful book for our time.”—Roshi Joan Halifax, Abbot of Upaya Zen Center, and author of Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death

“Mark Epstein interweaves psychotherapy and Buddhism in ways that help readers further their own personal growth and practice. At once down to earth, caring, suggestive, a sharing of years of work in the front lines of his own person and helping others.”—Michael Eigen, author of Feeling Matters, Faith, and The Psychoanalytic Mystic

 
“For those looking to explore the idea of a Buddhist psychology in greater depth, Epstein has been writing on the topic since his first book was published in 1995. Advice Not Given is one of his best to date and a perfect place to start.” — Psychologytoday.com

From the Publisher

2017-10-17
A succinct look at the junction point of psychotherapy and Buddhism.In this how-to self-help guide, psychiatrist Epstein (The Trauma of Everyday Life, 2013, etc.) attempts to find similarities between Buddhism and psychotherapy, though he never tries to equate them, and, in doing so, qualify them as the same practices. "The ego needs our help," he writes, "If we want a more satisfying existence, we have to teach it to loosen its grip." So begins the author's efforts to understand what practical measures exist in both practices to help us cope with the weight of our selves. In undertaking such a complex question, Epstein makes it clear that there is only one way to comprehend this exercise: "Awakening does not make the ego disappear; it changes one's relationship to it." To reach such states of wellness, the author explains that we must reposition our attitudes toward the vicissitudes of life, opting for a series of approaches: Right View (be present in the now), Right Motivation ("we do not have to be at the mercy of our neuroses"), Right Speech (how we talk to ourselves), Right Action ("not acting destructively"), Right Livelihood ("avoiding…deceit or exploitation"), Right Effort (do not allow the ego to "sabotage its goal"), Right Mindfulness ("a dispassionate knowing of thoughts…as they come and go"), and, finally, Right Concentration ("temporarily dispelling the repetitive thoughts of the everyday mind"). To illustrate these mindsets, Epstein sprinkles the text with personal anecdotes, which are alternately pedantic and useful in visualizing his arguments. The author often refers to his patients and his friends to demonstrate how one mindset can quickly change to a healthier one, though it is clear he has taken himself as the primary example, with Freud and Donald Winnicott as theoretical foundations.A moderately intriguing book that may cause readers to think twice about their actions—but that may also leave them largely unchanged.

Kirkus Reviews