Abandoned Faith: Why Millennials Are Walking Away and How You Can Lead Them Home
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Abandoned Faith: Why Millennials Are Walking Away and How You Can Lead Them Home
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781624057731 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Focus on the Family |
| Publication date: | 03/01/2017 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 288 |
| File size: | 3 MB |
Read an Excerpt
Abandoned Faith
Why Millennials Are Walking Away and How You Can Lead Them Home
By Alex McFarland, Jason Jimenez, Liz Duckworth
Tyndale House Publishers
Copyright © 2017 Alex McFarland and Jason JimenezAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-58997-882-9
CHAPTER 1
HOPE FOR HURTING PARENTS
In an audience of 200 adults, I (Jason) asked, "Does anyone here have a son or daughter who has left the faith?" The response was startling. Almost every couple in the room had a child who had left the faith.
In one sense, as the different couples raised their hands, there was a sense of relief in the group. Parents realized that they weren't the only ones whose children had "wandered." It was moving to see these parents share so openly. It also was powerful evidence of the size of the problem.
One older gentleman said, "My son didn't want anything to do with God after his mother died." Another woman said, "My daughter came out as a lesbian. And when she did, the church didn't want anything to do with her. This was the church she grew up in. But because the rejection she received was so harsh, it caused her to doubt everything she believed growing up."
To my surprise, the stories kept coming. I had planned to teach an entire lesson, but the Holy Spirit had other plans. After hearing such deep-seated pain from so many in the class, I stood before them in silence. Before I could say anything, the sound of sobbing came from a well-dressed man in the back. He was sitting next to his wife, with their hands clinched together. She was tearful as well. I motioned to him, trying to offer some comfort. He raised his head, attempting to gain control, as the group listened in anticipation.
Finding strength, the father finally said, "I didn't do enough." The moment he said that, his wife grabbed his hand and tightly brought it to her chest. He quickly sank into his chair and placed his head in his open hands. I gave him some time, then asked what he meant by saying he didn't do enough.
He sat up. "I wasn't there for my kids the way I needed to be as a father. And now they're grown up, and neither of them has a strong faith. I should've done more. I should've been more of a leader, rather than leave my wife or the church to do it for me."
After the meeting, I spoke with the wife of this man. He was probably too emotional to stick around. She shared a few additional things about her adult children and explained how she and her husband were slowly working through the pain. I reassured her about her position in Christ and her influential role as a mother.
After gathering my things, I walked out of the room with a man who had several grandchildren. He expressed how much the class meant to him. I put my arm around him, and thanked him for being so kind. He then stopped and said, "You know that man who shared he wished he'd spent more time discipling his kids?"
I nodded.
He said, "I not only wish I did more for my kids, but now, at my age, I also have grandkids who are not living for the Lord. That pains me more than anything. And I feel I contributed to that, like a generational curse. I didn't really live out my faith. It was more like something I kept to myself. And now, my kids and their kids aren't living for Jesus."
The feelings of regret were so strong among that group of parents. Their pain was shared and common in the large audience. It may be pain you feel yourself — one accompanied by a sense of hopelessness. Take heart. You are not alone.
Christian Parents and Their Millennial Children
God's design for family is for parents to raise their children in the fear and admonition of the Lord — to train them to live holy lives. Proverbs 14:27 says, "The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from the snares of death." Though this proverb is true and worthy of all acceptance, it is not an easy one to follow consistently. It would have been great if you (as the parent) had told your kids to fear God and follow your picture-perfect example. If they did, they would escape death and receive the fountain of life.
But that's not usually how it works out.
The truth is, most parents try to raise their children in the fear of the Lord. Unfortunately, many of these children (now adults) still turn away from Christianity. The purpose of this book is to help you understand what has happened generationally and discover how you can respond in a positive way.
The shift in faith on the part of the millennial generation has captured the minds of experts and produced a ton of research. From the psychologists to student pastors, many have sought answers to explain the decline of Christianity among millennials.
What happened to them?
Why are millennials leaving the church?
Where did we go wrong?
Will they ever come back?
These, and many other questions, have plagued the hearts and minds of loved ones — mostly parents.
Much focus in the church these days has been directed at reaching twentysomethings. So far, the church has been generally unsuccessful.
Attempts to "dumb down" the message of the gospel have been a big mistake.
There have been efforts to modernize and introduce loud, secularized worship music, played by people on stage wearing beanies, tight cut V-neck T-shirts, and ridiculously skinny jeans. Fail.
Some churches have attempted to create an atmosphere where everyone is right and no one is wrong. Total fail.
Many of these attempts to reach millennials have not worked. We are not surprised. After a combined 40 years of working with millennials, we can tell you that much of the church's strategy is totally wrong. Ministering to
Ministering to millennials is a daunting task. You never know what you are going to get from daunting task. them. Especially from embittered ones raised in so-called "Christian" homes. Yet despite the massive decline of Christianity among millennials (which we will examine in depth), we are seeing many of them return to Christ, like the Prodigal Son described in Luke 15.
Our point is, there is still hope. No matter what you are going through right now with your son or daughter — know that there is still hope. Hope for you, your spouse, and your child. But if you and your spouse want to receive hope and healing, then you first need to face your pain, your regrets, and your fears and doubts.
Let's address these difficult issues together, one by one.
Unspeakable Pain
Church pews are filled with parents experiencing deep pain — pain over the fact that their son or daughter (or both) is no longer living for Christ.
Most parents, if they are honest, will tell you they are hurting. They hurt over the bad choices their adult children are making. They hurt over the intimacy they once had with their son or daughter.
Sunday after Sunday, parents sit in church, then go off to their Sunday school classes never speaking of the pain they suffer over their millennial child. And if they do share about this pain, it's often presented as a silent prayer request and nothing more.
This silent suffering has to stop.
Often we are so worried about the spiritual state of millennials that we have neglected to care for the condition of their parents. The amount of pain experienced by parents is overwhelming. They are getting hammered. Consider this email from a mother about her son:
When your children are younger, it is so much easier to involve yourself in their lives. But when they get older and leave home, it's much more difficult to know your place. When your child pushes you away and makes his own bad decisions and then wants your help, only to disregard it again, it breaks your heart. As a parent, instead of looking forward to talking with your adult children, you begin to dread the calls because you know that there will be another issue to deal with. You want to be the hero and have all the answers. But you know that no matter what you say, they won't always listen. It's a tough place to be in because you feel disrespected, and angry — and on top of it all, you feel like you failed your child. All I want is to have a mature and healthy relationship with them. All I want is for my children to need me in their lives.
What a moving message. The heart of this mother captures what many parents feel.
It's too easy to overlook the pain of parents when all the attention is on the problems of their children. Yet, if we are going to win millennials back to Christ, we first need to win parents back to hope and healing.
Unfortunately, many of the problems millennials deal with stem from their parents. Whether these are problems of divorce, hypocrisy, dysfunctional relationships, legalism, overprotective parenting — whatever the case — if we are going to see a major turnaround among millennials, they need to see change first in moms and dads.
We have had many conversations with millennials on this very topic. Many have said that although they were raised in Christian homes, it never seemed Christianity was at the core of everything they did. I (Jason) remember one college student saying, "I think the only reason my parents go to church is to feel better about themselves."
Another student said, "The only time we learned about the Bible was when we went to church."
That's not to say these parents didn't try or didn't care. Not at all. What millennials are saying is that the gospel was not at the center of their homes. It was a part of home life, but it was not the totality of it. The transfer of the Christian faith from one generation (parents) to the next (their children) is almost nonexistent. Millennials may have received a degree of faith from a parent or parents, but it wasn't enough for them to see the value and importance faith has in their own lives.
This is a painful reality for parents. It's painful because their millennials are right. In too many families, faith went only as far as church attendance. Sure, throw in a few extra church activities, a few family devotions, and lectures about doing the right thing. But the truth is, many parents do feel they failed in leading their children spiritually. Now that their kids are adults, these same parents struggle with relating to them. All they can do is watch helplessly as their adult children live their lives not for God but for themselves.
Waves of Regret
As parents open up about this deep pain, inevitably a great deal of regret resides within each one. These parents have tried everything to get rid of it, but the regret never seems to go away.
I (Jason) remember an older pastor sharing with me about his prodigal son. He and I were sitting in his office before I was about to preach in his church. I saw many pictures of his beautiful family there. But I noticed he had current pictures only of his daughters and not his son. When I commented on it, he said that he and his wife had not spoken to their son in years.
The pastor teared up and said, "I'm to blame that he's running away from God. I was too busy ministering to others, and I didn't do enough for my son. That's
Sound familiar? lake out ministering to others and fill in the blank. The fact is, do as well. there is not one single parent alive in this world free from regret. We all have regrets and know other godly parents who do as well.
Sean Lee is a caring and vibrant woman who has served as a children's director for nearly thirty years. She is well respected and does an outstanding job ministering to children and families.
When I (Jason) asked her about parental regrets, Sean said she wished she had done a better job helping her three boys engage the culture, especially when they were in high school. "Instead of engaging them in conversation about cultural issues, I was more concerned with trying to protect them.
My husband and I were constantly evaluating their choices, especially in terms of their friends. We would freak out if they were around things we were trying so hard to protect them from. By the time they went off to college, it was a real culture shock for our boys. Looking back now, I wish we hadn't sheltered them so much but instead rephrased a lot of the conversation with them so they were more prepared when they went to college."
Sean acknowledged that many parents feel the same way she does. But rather than sulk about it, Sean said she has learned from her mistakes and works hard to maintain healthy and strong relationships with each of her boys.
We need to let our regrets go just as Sean did. She knew that if she was going to continue to impact her boys in their adult years, she had to learn what they needed from her. She would need to be a support to them whenever and however it was required, to listen when they needed to talk, and to be there to ask penetrating questions as they thought through their decisions.
Sean learned about God's grace in the hard times of parenting. "Parenting is about grace. My parenting may never be perfect, but when I seek God's grace day after day, I actually have learned more about His love for me and what I am truly capable of accomplishing as a mother."
In her book Building the Christian Family You Never Had, Mary DeMuth spoke of letting go of regret: "Inevitably we carry some amount of parental regret. Freedom from regret comes when we admit our weaknesses before Jesus. No one is perfect. Our imperfections, though, shouldn't become a wall between God and us or our children and God. At the cross we can lay down our regrets over our failures and move on. Remember that even the great heroes of the Bible did things they regretted."
Holding on to regrets prevents you from experiencing true freedom in Christ. It's hard not to think back on all the moments you should have acted differently. Every time you recall those not-so-fond moments with your adult child, the less happiness and joy you will feel.
Being tossed around by waves of regret is actually where Satan, the great Adversary, wants you to be. He doesn't want you to let your regrets go. He wants you to drown in them. Every time you see your son or daughter making bad choices, Satan wants you to feel regret. He wants you to blame yourself for their sinful choices. But like the apostle Paul, you need to gain this assurance: "One thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead" (Philippians 3:13).
A woulda-coulda-shoulda attitude does not help you. It only makes matters worse between you and your millennial child. The key is not to regret having regrets. (That only brings on more regrets.) Instead, give your regrets over to God and allow His healing power to take control of your life. As the old saying goes: you cant change the past, but you can learn from it.
In addition to pain and regret, there is a dual enemy we must also confront — fear and doubt.
Enabling Fear and Doubt
Raising kids is scary. Especially when you have to let them go. When they were younger, you were there for them, 24/7. You made decisions for them because they were too young to make decisions for themselves. Now they are all grown up, and you have to trust that everything you taught them won't be forgotten. Of course, children (young or old) won't always do the right thing. They will make mistakes, mistakes you cannot (or should not) fix. It's a touchy subject, especially for enabler parents who tend to interfere with all aspects of a child's life.
Let's put this into perspective by way of a story about a desperate mother.
We were filling in as speakers on a radio show that was about to wrap up. On the incoming-calls screen was this question from a caller: How can I win back my daughter to Christ?
We immediately grabbed the call, knowing that we didn't have much time. We welcomed the caller to the show and asked how we could be of help. She immediately began to cry on the air. After a long pause (which is very awkward on radio), she gained her composure. She had just gotten into another argument with her daughter. They had both lost it, and the mother had gotten into the car and taken off.
Her radio was tuned to our program, and she heard what we were talking about and called in. We were glad she did.
The mother explained that she tried to raise her daughter in a Christian home. But the daughter rejected everything the mother stood for. She tried everything, but nothing reached the young woman.
Our hearts broke for this mother. And for her daughter.
With limited time, I (Jason) began to ask this mother a series of questions. It turned out the woman was divorced, an overprotective parent who always fixed her daughter's mistakes. Naturally, there was a lot of resentment between mom and daughter, and it was obvious that good communication wasn't a skill either possessed.
After hearing the discouragement in this mother's voice, I asked one final question: "Why won't you stop trying to fix your daughter, and let God fix you?"
There was dead silence. We thought we had lost her. But then the mother answered, "Because I'm too afraid."
Wow. What a response. What honesty. This mother expressed what a lot of moms are feeling. For this mom to really be a help to her daughter, she first needed to seek God's help in her own life.
Too often, as parents, we think we know what's best for our kids when, really, God knows best. We love our children, but God loves them so much more. We believe we know our children better than anyone, yet God knew them before they were born. We are assured in Psalm 139:16, "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Abandoned Faith by Alex McFarland, Jason Jimenez, Liz Duckworth. Copyright © 2017 Alex McFarland and Jason Jimenez. Excerpted by permission of Tyndale House Publishers.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Foreword Sean McDowell vii
Introduction: From Christianity to Atheism ix
Part 1 What Went Wrong?
1 Hope for Hurting Parents 3
2 Why Millennial Are Leaving the Faith 23
3 What Lies Behind Abandoned Faith? 55
4 How the Church Is Failing Millenniais (and How it Can Improve) 69
Part 2 Forces Shaping Our Sons and Daughters
5 Struggles Millennials Face 91
6 Understanding What Drives Millennials 107
7 Hope for a Generation 119
Part 3 Steps to Mend and Move Forward
8 Strengthening Your Relationship in Stressful Times 143
9 Bridging the Gap 155
10 Helping Your Child Bounce Back from Tough Breaks 173
Part 4 Winning Back Your Millennial Child
11 The Power of a Prayer Map 203
12 Build a Foundation of Biblical Truth 221
Conclusion: Jesus Is the Key 243
Appendix: When There Is a Failure to Launch 251
Acknowledgments 259
Notes 261
About the Authors 267