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CHAPTER 1
WHAT IS ABUSE?
I can sit here and write you the dictionary definition for abuse. I will not waste your time or mine. Frankly, it is so vague it can never encompass all the underlying factors. The word "Abuse" is not a one size fits all definition. Simply put, abuse is anything that an individual feels is abusive to them as a person. That will vary from person to person. What might seem abusive to one woman may not be abusive to another. This is due to a variety of reasons. A woman raised in a household where her mother experienced some form of abuse, may not be as sensitive to it, or, she could be mentally hiding from the truth. Anything a person experiences, while they are growing, can have two consequences. First, they may turn out to be the same way, or they may have hated it so much they never want to be like that. I have spoken to women that were raised in an abusive environment that thought it was not only normal but also acceptable. Over time, to that child, this became a learned and accepted behavior. Abuse could also relate to cultural differences. People must remember. There are many cultures. Each has their different beliefs, and many are based around their faith. They all share the same space. However, not all cultures believe the same way. It can also be due to the social environment some experienced. As I stated, I worked over thirty years as a paramedic in a large metropolitan city that also had an inner-city structure. At one time, this city was listed on the FBI top ten list of dangerous cities. I have seen domestic violence in every form, and in every type of neighborhood. It is NOT limited to lower income brackets, or what some people refer to, a word I dislike; "Minorities."
Minority is a demeaning word. It assigns a perceived label on people. Female abuse is not limited to income, race, color, creed, social status, or neighborhood. It happens everywhere. I have seen women attempt suicide because they cannot accept what happened to them, or is happening to them. I have cared for many rape victims. I have seen women brutally beaten to the point that you could not recognize them against their own picture. This is real. It exists. I hope that you have never been a victim of any form of abuse. If you were, you understand. This is an emotionally crippling experience. It demeans a person and strips them of their self-respect. To some people in our society, it slaps a label on them. For every prosecuting attorney, there are more defense attorneys. The job of a defense attorney is to get someone off or get them the best plea bargain deal they can if they are guilty. As with any defense, they will try to show that the woman provoked it, or as it is said, "Asked for it." This may be attempted using what style of clothing she was wearing, her actions, or words. You may hold that against them, but that is their job. It is the main reason many cases of sexual assault are not reported.
The sad truth is, the Criminal Justice System reports that out of 627 reported cases, 255 lead to an arrest, and 105 cases are referred to a prosecutor. Forty-one cases will lead to a felony conviction, and only 33 criminals will be incarcerated. Here is the website to those figures, and more shocking data. https://www.rainn.org/ statistics/criminal-justice-system. We will be discussing more on this later.
Let me share my first story with you. I had a call where I responded to a 19-year-old female that was beaten and possibly raped. As it turns out, witnesses at the scene reported that they thought she had just started dating someone who was a member of a gang. They claimed they knew nothing more. Although DNA testing today has become much more accurate, many arguments in rape cases are still made as to whether or not the samples are reliable, especially in a case where there were more than one attackers. Also, assailants have gotten smart. Many now wear gloves, masks, and condoms, thus reducing the risk of obtaining DNS samples. In the Colorado serial rapist case against Marc O'Leary, who committed several sexual assaults in multiple jurisdictions, he ordered women to shower, brush their teeth, and he took the bedding and clothing with him. Other things eventually led to his arrest, which connected him to the crime scenes. A book "An Unbelievable Story of Rape" was written about this case. Going back to my story, the police arrived on scene first, and found a beaten, trembling 19-year-old girl that had no clothes on. They promptly covered her. When we arrived, she was frightened and shaking. She would not let us near her. My partner and I were both men. We called to see if there was a female crew available. There was not. We had to make this work. She was badly beaten and bleeding from her vaginal area. We needed to assess her for any possible life-threatening injuries, and treat her if possible, while maintaining any evidence for the hospital to perform a rape crisis kit. We needed to be sure the police would not have evidence that was contaminated.
In a case like this, the last thing you want to do is force the patient, restrain her, or do anything that could traumatize her further. A female officer arrived. Being the only paramedic on the scene, I had the highest medical authority, so this was my case. I hope a female officer would be able to talk to her and calm her down. She could not. In this short time, her eyes had become very swollen, her lip was cut quite deep and bleeding, and I had no idea of the extent of her vaginal injury. I knew she would never allow me to examine her. I needed to obtain her vital signs to be sure she was stable. The other choice was to provide no care and get her straight to the hospital. At this point, I would take it either way. However, she was so traumatized she would not let anyone near her for us to move her to our stretcher and transport her. The police had found her pocketbook and her ID. Her parents were called and on the way. If we were still there when they got there, this would make the situation even worse. The police told them to go straight to the hospital, but they already knew where she had been found, and she had not been transported yet. If her parents arrived on the scene, those additional emotions could be disastrous. Emotionally, this is the most critical time for a patient. They are sitting on an emotional fence. If they fall to the wrong side, their emotional state can become far worse. We needed to do something. Having a counselor transported to the scene would take too long, or having a female nurse brought to the scene would also take too long. We needed to act quickly.
By this time, there were many additional resources on the scene. Our supervisor, detectives, more police, crime scene investigators, and now reporters were starting to show up. This made it much worse for her. I could not begin to imagine how embarrassed she must have been feeling. I thought that might be the problem. All the voices, all the people trying to talk to her, all the noise, was probably scaring her more. I spoke with the police sergeant at the scene. She was a great woman and officer. It was clear she was upset over this as well. I asked to have everyone removed except for her and me so we could have some privacy. I explained what I thought was going on. The people, the voices, and the noise were probably causing her to relive the event. She agreed. She ordered everyone back, and to remain silent. No reporter was ever close enough to take pictures. The officer kneeled near the young girls head, and I sat on the ground about two feet from her face. It was quite. In a very soft voice, I explained that we had everyone leave. It was just her, the female officer, and I. She said, "Thank you." Once she spoke, I knew I had a chance. This was a window of opportunity to gain some trust. These windows are very short, and you must act on them. I told her my name and explained I was there to help her. I explained that I would respect her privacy and had no intentions of making her feel uncomfortable. I told her I would explain everything I was going to do before I did it, and would not do anything she did not want me to do. I also told her the female officer would come with us in the back of the ambulance to the hospital. I wanted no surprises. She asked, "You won't hurt me?" I actually had a tear running down my face, and replied, "I won't let anyone hurt you." Out from under the blanket she put out her hand. It was scrapped and had some blood on it. I explained while putting on a glove that I was wearing the glove because I did not know if the blood on her hands was hers or one of her assailants and did not want to contaminate any evidence.
I took her hand and said, "I will help you." By this time, a female ambulance crew became available and arrived on the scene. They were going to take over her care. When they came over to us, the young girl pulled her hand away from mine, put it under the blanket, and asked, "Why are they here?" I explained I thought she might be more comfortable going to the hospital with a female crew. She replied, "I want to go with you." I had gained her trust. I released the other crew, and we moved her into our ambulance. I kept the backlights off as we drove away so no one could try to get a picture, even though it had privacy glass. Once we were on our way, I turned them back on at their lowest setting. She allowed me to check her vital signs, which were within a range that caused me not to be concerned. My job now was to keep her calm, monitor her, and respect her privacy. I called the hospital on my cell phone because I did not want to do it by radio and have anyone with a scanner be able to hear what I had to report to the nurse in charge. The hospital was great. When we arrived, they had a full specially trained staff waiting, and a female minister. She was in the best hands available. This was mid-way through my evening shift, and I was on a double shift that evening and was there until the morning. Each time I brought a patient to that hospital, I took a moment to stop in a see her. I was only with her for just under an hour. It is amazing how attached you become to a patient in a short period. A few weeks later, I saw the police officer that was so helpful at the crime scene. I asked her whatever came out of that case.
The outcome was very saddening, but I understood. It was not the first time I had seen this happen. The young girl was in counseling. The parents had talked her into not pressing charges, and she did not identify those that did this to her. Their house was for sale, and they were moving. Being a parent, although I may have done something different, I can understand why the parents would want to move on. No one would look at his or her daughter the same way. Ridiculous rumors and cruel things would probably be sad. This would make the news. She would be in the public eye. It was very sad she had to experience this, and those that did this to her got away with it, possibly to do it again.
Rape is a violent and brutal crime. However, only one form of sexual abuse. There are others not as violent. There is no way of knowing how many of these types of sexual crimes go unreported. I would guess that number is staggering. Anyone who goes through this must be prepared to face his or her assailants in open court and relive the moment, and experience a horrific degree of embarrassment as attorneys try to discredit them. I wrote his or her although men do not face violent and brutal rape at the hands of women. At least I could not find any documented cases of it. In the business world, there are cases of a female boss doing something that causes a male subordinate to have slept with them unwillingly, not forcefully. Although not rape in the sense of this 19-year-old girl, it is a form of sexual abuse. There are other forms of sexual abuse as well that may not be physical at all. It could be repeated flirting after being asked many times to stop. It could be in the form of sexual innuendoes, or in the form of what clothes someone wears to direct their attention to a specific individual. It could also be simple touching. Such as rubbing a hand across a person's leg, or putting it on his or her knee, putting your arm around someone, or offering a harmless kiss on the cheek. People refer to their "Personal Space." Being overly close to someone or touching him or her violates that space. Here is where it becomes difficult, and sometimes may not be mal-intended. Oh, did that raise an eyebrow? Relax. It gets back to my original statement about defining terms. Everyone perceives these little things differently. Sometimes, this can cause a problem. Let me give you an example. Younger people tend to be more physical with their friends. Meaning, when they greet one another, they may exchange a kiss on the cheek, a hug, or both. To them, this is normal behavior. Therefore, this is how they react. Place them in a situation where this behavior does not occur, and you have a problem. It is innocent in their eyes, but maybe not to the other person. This was their learned behavior.
I grew up in a 100% Italian household. When I was growing up, this was acceptable behavior. It showed a sign of respect or showing someone you care about them as a person. Put that out in the world today, and it creates a social problem, one that can lead down the wrong path. What one person views as innocent, another may not. In today's society, the only way to avoid that is to be consistent. If not, an error in judgment can always occur. The human condition dictates that people will act according to their learned behaviors. Now, when they act that way, which to them is normal and acceptable, it offends someone. That person may report it. By law, in most states, everyone who works has to take some type of sexual harassment course given by their employer. A study done by theatlantic.com/education institute determined that approximately more than 40 percent of students cheat on online courses. What does that mean?
If I or anyone else, take a mandatory online course, passes it and write down the correct answers, they can share them with their co-workers. That is more realistic then everyone being honest. We all know what happens at every job, even in schools. Workers now click through the slides, never take the course, get to the exam, and pass it. Everyone is happy. The company met the legal requirements, and the co-workers did not have to spend hours doing it. All is right in the world. However, is it? Of course not, because over 40% of the people did not learn a thing. This is also a problem at the college level with their regular courses. The point being, there are other forms of sexual abuse or harassment, and their definitions are only governed by how that particular person perceives it. I know a person that was terminated by someone who overheard a conversation and was offended by it. My first question is; if you are not part of the conversation, why are you even listening, let alone reporting someone for what was said. Do you always look around to see who might hear what you are saying? Sometimes, it is innocent.
I ask you this, in some instances, are we going too far. If two men or two women are having a conversation and they are not aware that someone is listening, should they be held responsible? Some may say yes, others no. Has society gotten to the point that to have a conversation somewhere, each person has to wear a device like in the TV series, "Get Smart?" For those of you that remember it, it was called "The Cone of Silence."
We live in a world where types of accounts can be hacked. Even our government agencies with the best firewalls and encryption software available have been hacked. Viruses and other things are embedded into emails that get into your computer or cell phone. With millions of people subscribing to VPN services, there is no way to trace where they came from. How many of your friends have sent you a Social Media friend request because their accounts were hacked? It happens. How do we decide what is accidental or intentional? This leaves one important question. Where is the line drawn? There are also people in the world that will bait someone. What does that mean?
That means they will talk with people about anything, seven days a week. Now everyone is comfortable talking about anything until one day that person has a bad day. Something is said that is normally said, and that person becomes offended. This has happened to scores of people. You may have had this experience with a close friend. You try to explain it, but at the time, it makes no difference. Is there an answer? Can people actually walk around each day thinking out each word before they say it? Can people look at every piece of data on their computer before they use it? Isn't that why we buy software, to do that for us? That works on what is known. However, before something is known, it has to happen. So yes, like it or not, the possibility of accidental things happening is strong and alive. As a writer, I have to watch every word I write so as not to offend people. This is more predominant when referring to topics that involve race, color, or creed, as well as sexual preferences. Even in a marriage or partnership, how many times have you joked with your partner about something and it is laughed off? Then one day, it becomes a problem. We live in a highly sensitive society. Do people have the broad shoulders that did years ago?
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "A Woman's Fear"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Caesar Rondina.
Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
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