A Journey to a Miracle

by Jessica Groom

Overview

Jessica Groom grew up in a less than ideal home environment without gaining real - Jessica Groom, Author of A Journey to a Miracle insight into how to love herself or find happiness. As a result, she spent most of her adult life as an anxious workaholic and addict who, even after suffering a stroke at age thirty one, continued on the same chaotic course. But when she decided to follow a long-held dream and travel throughout Asia, Jessica had no idea that her desire to find herself through a new experience would have the power to send her down an even darker path.

Jessica Groom chronicles her brave journey as she checked out of the rat race and traveled through China, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, and Thailand. But when Jessicas inner dialogue began to take control over her dream, she details how her trip turned into a nightmare as depression set in. After she returned home early to what she thought was her safe place, Jessica attempted suicide. For some, the story might end there. But for Jessica, her story continues as she reveals how she found the determination to reclaim her life, vowed to conquer her internal demons, and discovered a way to control her depression, happiness, and mind.

A Journey to a Miracle is the true story of one womans ambitious quest to discover herself, overcome depression, and find her own happy ending.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781504301091
Publisher:	Balboa Press AU
Publication date:	11/04/2016
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	242
File size:	378 KB

About the Author

Jessica Groom is a mind coach who is on a mission to help make the world a happier place. She studied Neuro-Linguistic Programming, hypnosis and counselling. Jessica has been featured in Huffington Post, MindFood, and The Urban List. Visit her at thehappypill.com.au.

Read an Excerpt

A Journey to a Miracle

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By Jessica Groom

Balboa Press

Copyright © 2016 Jessica Groom
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-5043-0108-4

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CHAPTER 1

The cold hard truth

When I woke up from my suicide attempt I felt useless, stupid, afraid, vulnerable, exhausted, anxious, but most of all "depressed". I was over life, and I wanted out. I hated waking up, I hated that someone tried to save me, and I hated that I now have to talk to people and tell them why I did it. I was confused, worried and also eager to try it again. I knew now what didn't work, so it was going to be easier to find what did work.

When I was struggling with depression, I always thought it was just me who thought that life was way too hard, and I thought that I could never speak to anyone about my real feelings or they would think I was crazy! The negative voices that I had in my head were nonstop and I always thought only I had these voices. I thought, it's just me over analysing myself constantly; it's just me who has the hard life; no one understands; I'm so alone. ...

I walked around thinking everyone had an easier life compared to me. If people couldn't understand me, or called me out on my irrational behaviour, I would think, 'what do they know anyway? They have had such a simple, easy life compared to me.' I didn't see my outlook on life as pessimistic or negative, but it definitely wasn't positive either. I used to look at things from an analytical standpoint. I would do things based on not facing the consequences. For example, instead of wanting to go work, I would go because if I didn't I wouldn't have money. Some people may say that is a negative way to see things but to me it was just common sense, or so I thought ... maybe it was how I was brought up, but my thinking made sense to me back then. I judged myself so harshly all of the time as I thought I needed the tough love approach, in hindsight it was the only approach I knew, having not had my parents around much when I was growing up.

It wasn't that I felt sorry for myself; I always look at things in relativity. I mean to someone their biggest life trauma could be that they didn't get a new car for their 16th birthday. Then you have others who have been through so many negative experiences by the time they were 16, like losing a parent or sibling, abuse, or disabilities. I think it's all relative to your world and what's happened. Some people might look at me and think; wow, you had such an amazing life, while others might look at me and feel sorry for me when they find out about what I have been through.

I have spent my life running away from anything that I didn't like. I have moved from country to country countless times. I was continually thinking about the next thing on my to-do list, rather than living in any given moment. I was continually chasing the future, or analysing the past. I never took note of the moment that I was in, and even though I had so many people try to teach me how to 'make every moment count' I just didn't understand ... until I did!

My internal dialogue drove me to me grind my teeth, not only when awake but also in my sleep. A constant chatter of what was wrong or right with my life was playing in my head like a bad movie on repeat. I have suffered badly from depression to the point where I couldn't eat, sleep or work. Not only that, I have self-harmed. I have seen numerous counsellors, psychiatrists, have taken pills, been up, been down, and been all around. I have drunk heavily. I have taken recreational drugs. I have tried lots of things to dull the pain I felt on a daily basis. Many of the things I took worked for me, but it was always a temporary fix.

The drug taking was all social, or at least I thought it was. In hindsight, doing drugs or drinking excessively is not a good social behaviour and maybe the people I was hanging out with were in the same pain I was? I hadn't realised that the pain was present, as it was so normal for me. I went through life feeling miserable and having some serious issues from my childhood, that still to this day affect me. I never knew any better, so I continued on living the way I knew how to. I thought I was happy and I thought I was doing a good job at life. I thought that life could be better but I was waiting for something to happen to make it so. I never realised that I had to make the choice to be happy, I always thought that happiness would come with prince charming, or maybe even winning the lottery, wouldn't that be nice?

I suffered from depression on numerous occasions throughout my life, so I know how easy it was to relapse. I would start therapy each time as per the doctor's orders, but as soon as I started to feel a little better, I thought, 'Great, I'm fixed! Cheers, I'm out of here!' The reality was that I was waiting for someone else to fix me, having no idea that I was the only person who could fix me. It was far easier to blame someone else for my craziness; I couldn't blame my parents as I barely knew them. I couldn't blame my brothers and sisters, they were my lifeline. I could however blame depression, and that was very convenient for me, I think I was actually relieved when I was told I had depression. It meant I could use it as an excuse. I loved excuses, anything to shift the blame off me.

I lived in Sydney for 5 years, and for those 5 years I have worked a minimum of 60 hours per week. 16 hour days were normal for me, and I loved being so freaking busy! I even wanted to start my own t-shirt slogan business with "I'm too busy!" I sacrificed everything for work, no one asked me to, I made the choice to do it, I was empty inside and work filled the void. In 5 years the furthest I travelled in Sydney was a 10 mile radius. If it wasn't close to work then I wasn't going.

While I absolutely loved my time running some very cool venues in Sydney, the stress and hours took their toll on my body. Furthermore, the hospitality industry has a hard core party scene. Add all of this together and I found myself in hospital after having a stroke at the ripe old age of 31!

This wasn't an immediate wake up call for me to slow down; when I finally checked out of the hospital I went straight back to work. I was far too tough on my body, I knew that I had to slow down and have a healthier lifestyle, but knowing and doing are two very different things.

Soon after the stroke I changed jobs and went to another venue, which actually turned out to be much more stressful. I moved to a much bigger venue, well actually I was now general manager of two venues. What was I thinking? I did try to cut back my hours but it didn't work, and before I knew it I was back in hospital being told something needed to change. My body was not coping with long hours and stress. I remember turning to one of my good friends and saying, "I don't know why the doctors keep telling me to stress less, I don't feel stressed out at all", to which she replied "that is because your whole life is so stressful you wouldn't know the difference". This struck home with me, I never looked at it like that. For so many years I could work like a Trojan and not feel a thing, it was perfectly normal to work crazy hours. What I may have thought was "normal" was in fact a ticking time bomb inside of my body. My mind and body had enough and was no longer going to let me get away with it.

The doctor told me that I needed a change of pace, I had to do something, otherwise I would keep ending up back in hospital. So I did what the doctor ordered; I quit my job and planned to go home to see my sister in Ireland for a bit. I wanted to take a rest, plus it was my sister's birthday at the time so I wanted to see her and celebrate with her. I needed a time out, and I knew that by going back home I could just be myself and no one would judge me. I was excited to see my sister, who is my absolute rock in life. I was going to surprise her but I couldn't hold the secret. I told her I was coming home to see her.

Before I even had my leaving party from my job, I was offered another one. It sounded easier, the pay was great, and one of my best friends was working there. They needed me to start straight away, and they promised me a free trip back to Ireland for Christmas! I figured Christmas was such a special time to go back home, so I cancelled my trip home for my sisters birthday, and had only one whole day off before starting the new role.

The new job started off well and I was really enjoying it. There was nothing I loved more than taking on a venue that needed help and turning it into a well-oiled machine. Before long I had a fabulous crew of managers, the place was full steam ahead and Christmas was well under way. I had been only been there four months and was already taking leave to go home. Getting to go back to see my family in Ireland for Christmas in my line of work was a real treat. I have always been the one who has worked through all the Christmas holidays; I used to be the one serving food and drinks while my friends were out socialising and enjoying themselves. When I was in love with my job it never bothered me, most of my good friends were in the same boat so I never wanted time off over Christmas, but as you get older things change ... I started to envy people outside of hospitality. I wanted to be the one out enjoying myself and not the one making it happen. I knew my time in my hospitality was coming close to an end when this feeling came to town. The break couldn't have come at a better time; I was exhausted, and needed to see my sister.

After I got back from my Christmas break my thoughts were constantly drawn towards wanderlust – the irresistible desire to travel and experience the unknown. I initially kept thinking that I was too old to quit my job and go travelling. I brushed away any thoughts and feelings and I continued working away. I managed to really get my hours down, I was only working 50 hour weeks most weeks which helped me to get my life back.

Now that I was starting to have a better work/life balance I could start to see that I was so miserable in that job; ironic, but that's what happened. I not only saw that there was more to life, but I also wanted more from life. I had spent the last five years in Australia but had spent pretty much all of that time working, and any free time I had I spent thinking about work. Added to that was that my love for this particular venue was dying, fast!

Before I knew it I had written my resignation letter and handed it in to my boss, he was shocked, to say the least. I had also just gotten back with my on again/off again boyfriend and decided to leave him behind. I did ask him to come but he couldn't, he also respected my decision to leave. I would have loved if he could have come with me, but at the time it just wasn't viable. Anyway, I had to do this for myself, I felt a immense calling, it was strange as I had never allowed myself to feel anything like this before because I had filled my life with work. I knew I had made the right choice and was so freaking excited to get going. Freedom was calling me and I was excited to meet it! I had never planned such an extensive trip without any work, mainly because I could have never afforded it until now. No more waking up at 4.30am for work, I could sleep in, wander, get lost and soak up sunshine every single day! Oh yeah baby.

Where to from here

My notice period was six weeks – six long weeks! I just put my head down and kept on working hard like any other day. I had a fire of excitement in my belly, and even though I had a long notice period, I had so much to look forward to and the time flew by.

Having already been to many places around the globe but never to Vietnam, Cambodia or Laos I wanted to see for myself why so many people take this journey. Thoughts about seeing Japan kept springing to mind, mainly because I was fascinated with the photos that used to fill my Facebook stream from 'the most amazing places' and pictures of the most magnificent gardens filled with cherry blossoms, which I fell in love with. I was thinking Japan would be a fabulous place to visit but it could be difficult to get around by myself, so decided to look into tour groups. They were all so expensive and I needed to make my money last so I looked into China as another option. I have also always wanted to see the Great Wall. When I started doing more research I feel in love with China before even getting there. There was so much to see and do, and so many choices when it came to guided tours, plus prices were far more economical then Japan.

So China it was ... I booked my tour and planned to see as much of China as I could. The trip finished in Hong Kong where I had friends to visit – perfect! I booked a flight to Hanoi – Northern Vietnam from Hong Kong so I could make my way down through Vietnam and into Cambodia and Laos.

The trip was all planned in about week, typical me style, I was organised way too soon, so I was left with lots of spare time. Luckily my boyfriend wasn't working at the time so we could hang out and have fun. I also had plenty of friends who worked in hospitality; therefore they were free during the day to have wine with. And then the ones who didn't work in hospitality I could meet in the evenings for more wine. So many goodbyes were had, so much wine was drunk, and I loving the unemployment thing. I never imagined myself being content with no job, but I was so happy and I was imaging myself off work for up to 6 months while travelling around Asia. I was ready for the biggest, most awesome break I have ever had and I felt so lucky to be able to have this opportunity. I had no kids, no responsibilities and I was free and ready for fun!

When one's mind is busy, it never sees, it is clouded with mindless tasks. Take your mind overseas, open it, stretch it, and let it breathe. You won't believe what's underneath – a whole new you with so much more to explore. Life begins at the end of our comfort zone!

My best friend from back home in Ireland had agreed to come and meet me in Vietnam and travel down for two and a half weeks with me – awesomeness! I had also told my 16 year old niece that if she got a job for the summer I would pay for her ticket to fly over and meet me. I wanted her to save and be rewarded at the end with this trip, I wanted her to see the world. Being lucky myself and having seen so much more than the average 16 year old, I wanted her to see that there was so much more to life than Ireland, and of course the usual holidays in New York or the south of France. I had lived in Pakistan and Malaysia before I was 15 and got to travel a lot at this time. I had seen more than the average 16 year old form Dublin and it has really broadened my lens. I was so super excited to see my niece and my best friend, it was a trip of a lifetime and I was about to get going.

Take Off!

The day finally arrived for me to leave Sydney. I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend Jason. The heart wrenching feeling of saying goodbye to a loved one was familiar to me, I have said goodbye to my family many times in the past, it all started when I was 12 years old and I moved away with my mother and two brothers to Lahore, Pakistan. Over the years I have lived in many countries before settling in Australia, so I have had my fair share of saying goodbye. It really never gets easier, in fact, I think it gets harder as you get older because you appreciate so much more when you are older.

Having tried, and failed to give up smoking on many occasions over the years, I decided that I this time I was going to stop smoking as soon as I walked through the gate in the airport. Of course I had help in a tablet form, some sort of non-smoking pill (oh how I love modern times) so I popped one of the pills as I said goodbye to Jason. I was balling. The tears were like rivers flowing down my face. Lucky I didn't wear any make-up, being a professional goodbye say'er I knew what not to do. After getting through customs they started to dry up, thankfully. Off I wandered through duty free – not buying cigarettes as I was now a non smoker. I wanted a cigarette terribly, but luckily there was nowhere to smoke in the airport.

I boarded the plane and settled in. I knew that China eastern didn't have individual TVs like I was used to on all other flights that I have been on so I had a good book to read as well as numerous trashy magazines. Just as we are about to take off a passenger sitting on the opposite side of the wing to where I was sitting started shouting 'don't let this plane take off'. I thought he was drunk or on drugs, but he kept on saying it. An air stewardess came over and with very little English was trying to calm him down, he had seen some liquid leaking from the wing and insisted the stewardess call the pilot, which she did.

My mind kept going back to the movie 'final destination' I mean, was this really happening? The gent who was sitting beside me found it all hilarious and lucky he did as he calmed me down. The pilot came back and inspected the supposed leaking fluid and decided that we needed to go back to the airport and have it checked, this of course did not help my anxiety, I just wanted to get off that plane and have a cigarette! We were not allowed to get off the plane while they investigated what was happening, but it wasn't long before they turned around and said, "all was good". We headed back to the runway for round two of take-off. I think half of the plane was relieved to get going, where the other half which included ME, was terrified that we were going to die. Goes to show how I always think the worst in every situation. I used to think it was me being practical, but now I know that I had trained my brain to think this way. Negatively.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from A Journey to a Miracle by Jessica Groom. Copyright © 2016 Jessica Groom. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

1 The cold hard truth, 7,
2 China, 16,
3 Hong Kong, 51,
4 Vietnam, 62,
5 Laos, 76,
6 Thailand, 91,
7 Changeover Day, 98,
8 One hell of a trip, 105,
9 Cambodia, 112,
10 Back to Vietnam, 126,
11 My World Collapses, 137,
12 Coming Home Again, 148,
13 The Help, 154,
14 The World never stops, 166,
15 Getting back into it, 178,
16 The next step, 183,
17 My Happiness Recipe, 191,
18 Believe, 208,
19 What took me my lifetime to learn, 219,
Choose Happy, 230,