A Good Apology: Four Steps to Make Things Right

by Molly Howes PhD

Overview

Through its four essential steps, A GOOD APOLOGY gives groundbreaking advice on how best to make an effective apology toward rebuilding any relationship, for readers of The Body Keeps the Score.



We've all done something wrong or made a mistake or insulted someone — even if by accident. We've all been hurt and wanted the other person to help us heal. It may be surprising, but the breaches themselves aren't the real problem; our inability to fix them is what causes us trouble.


In A Good Apology, Dr. Molly Howes uses her experiences with patients in her practice, research findings, and news stories to illustrate the power and importance of a thorough apology. She teaches how we can all learn to craft an effective apology with four straightforward steps.


An apology is a small-scale event between people, but it's enormously powerful. This comprehensive book gives readers the tools to fix their relationships, make amends, and move forward. With it, you'll fully understand the meaning and importance of this universal and timeless endeavor: a good apology.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781538701317
Publisher:	Grand Central Publishing
Publication date:	07/21/2020
Pages:	288
Sales rank:	657,565
Product dimensions:	6.10(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.10(d)

About the Author

Molly Howes, PhD, is a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist and an award-winning writer. Following a Clinical Fellowship at Harvard Medical School, she completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Florida State University and a Postdoctoral Fellowship at Harvard Community Health Plan. Dr. Howes has contributed to research projects studying the interpersonal effects of depression, the impact of a parent's cancer on the child's psychological well-being, and the incidence and prevalence of mental health disorders in primary care practices and in larger international populations.


She is an author of several academic papers and presents at conferences for professional organizations such as the American Psychological Association. A MacDowell fellow, she has also been published in the New York Times's Modern Love column, Best American Essays, NPR's Morning Edition, and elsewhere.


For thirty-five years, she has maintained an independent psychotherapy practice in which she treats couples, as well as individual patients of all ages.

Table of Contents

Introduction ix

Part I Apologizing is too Hard to do and too Important Not to

Chapter 1 Why Apologize? 3

Box: Benefits of Good Apologies 24

Chapter 2 It's So Very Hard to Do 25

Box: Apology Myths 46

Chapter 3 It's Not Easy but It's Not Mysterious 47

Box: The Four Steps of a Good Apology 73

Part II How to Apologize

Chapter 4 Step One: Don't Just Do Something; Stand There 77

Box: Practice Scripts for Step One 106

Chapter 5 Step Two: Say It and Mean It 107

Box: Practice Scripts for Step Two 131

Chapter 6 Step Three: Debts, IOUs, and Making Things Whole 132

Box: Practice Scripts for Step Three 154

Chapter 7 Step Four: Never Again! 155

Box: Practice Scripts for Step Four 175

Part III What, There's More?

Chapter 8 The Aftermath 179

Box: After the Apology 197

Chapter 9 What About the Apology Recipient? 198

Box: Choices for the Hurt Person 215

Chapter 10 When Not to Apologize 216

Box: When It's Better Not to Apologize 226

Conclusion. You Can Make Things Right 227

Box: What If? 229

Acknowledgments 231

Notes 233

Index 253

Editorial Reviews

05/11/2020

In this inviting debut, clinical psychologist Howes uses her experience to provide advice for better apologies. She argues that “relationships are like a contact sport: We frequently bang and bruise one another, often without meaning to cause harm. If we want to participate fully, we need to develop the skills to recover from the inevitable hurts and get back in the game—hopefully together.” She guides readers through the steps of a good apology—listen, sincerely take responsibility, make amends, and make changes to reduce future mistakes—and explains potential pitfalls in the process and reasons why the seemingly simple steps can be so difficult to institute. Throughout, Howes illustrates her principles with stories of clients who have repaired serious relationship rifts. She also provocatively explores incidents in which apologies, successful and unsuccessful, have played out on a public stage, such as apologies professed during the #MeToo movement and debates over racial reparations. Each chapter concludes with a box of straightforward summary and practice scripts—which are worth the price of the book in themselves. Those looking for a way to say sorry and mean it will learn much from Howe’s approachable demystification of the art of the apology. (July)

Publishers Weekly

"Those looking for a way to say sorry and mean it will learn much from Howes's approachable demystification of the art of apology."—Publishers Weekly

"A Good Apology beautifully outlines how our relationships can dramatically improve by an authentic way to repair. Mistakes and ruptures happen, and Howes shows us how the practice of the apology is the first imperative step toward repair. By following her 4 steps to make things right, the practice of how and when we apologize can be honed to create transformative and positive change."—Eve Rodsky, New YorkTimes bestselling author of Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have TooMuch to Do (and More Life to Live)

"At a time when conflict and divisiveness seem to be engulfing us all, this wonderful, on-target book by Molly Howes is just what is needed! Here are practical, effective remedies that can help make reconciled relationships possible."—The Most Reverend MichaelB. Curry, Presiding Bishop ofThe Episcopal Church

"This is the definitive book on how to make an apology that actually matters, that heals both parties, and that leads to growth, joy, and peace of mind. Accessible, authoritative, and filled with convincing real-life scenarios from this consummate clinician's own work, A Good Apology teems with warmth, wisdom, tenderness, and an infectious zest for making things right."—Edward Hallowell, MD, nationally bestselling co-author of Driven to Distraction

"Dr. Howes' beautiful book is a needed antidote to an era in which division has come to seem inevitable and conflict unresolvable. A Good Apology counters with a premise combining humility about the capacity of even the best among to cause harm and the possibility of human growth even in our darkest moments. It helps us forgive ourselves, too."— Frances Moore Lappé, New York Times bestselling author of Diet for a Small Planet and Daring Democracy

"I hope the whole world reads this book! Dr. Howes explores the power of a genuine apology in intimate relationships, politics, medicine and more, and she provides an elegant road-map for negotiating this tricky terrain. The ability to apologize is an often overlooked, but centrally important, aspect of happy relationships. Seamlessly written and saturated with wisdom, this book shows what it takes to free the heart - ours and others."
—Christopher Germer, PhD, author of TheMindful Path to Self-Compassion

"In A Good Apology, Dr. Molly Howes expertly delves into a difficult topic that helps us all become more loving and connected. In today's hectic world, nurturing our relationships is paramount. Through stories of people struggling and other useful tips and tools, Dr. Howes creates a road map we can all use to thrive."—Dr.Zelana Montminy, behavioral scientist & author of 21 Days toResilience

"Healthy relationships are essential to how we live and work together. Imagine the benefit to business, families, governments, health care, faith communities, education, and our quality of life if human beings could learn to make a good apology. In this earnest and inviting book, Dr. Howes connects social science, popular events and her considerable clinical expertise to create an accessible formula for the repair of broken relationships. In our divided age, this should be required reading."—NicholasCovino, PsyD, President of William James College

"'A Good Apology' is a brilliant, beautifully written, impeccably researched book that should be read by anyone involved in conflict management, organizational consulting, coaching, or psychotherapy. Actually, I can think of no one who would not benefit - both personally and professionally - from this book's clear, analytical, and heartfelt exploration of the four essential steps in a successful apology. Molly Howes has given us a life-changing gift with her sage advice and evocative stories of hurt, apology, and reconciliation."—p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; text-align: center; font: 11.0px 'Times New Roman'}span.s1 {font-kerning: none}David A. Hoffman, Esq., Mediator, Arbitrator, Collaborative Lawyer

From the Publisher