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A God And Brother's Love
By Lanee' Hamilton iUniverse
Copyright © 2016 Lanee Hamilton
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-5320-0497-1
CHAPTER 1
The First Man I Truly Loved
John was the first man I ever loved. We were very close, but we never slept together. He was quite handsome, but he had a strange and disturbing quality about him. He was a total mystery to me, as always. I was black; so was he, but he didn't even have a clue that he was black like me. I was an extremely beautiful black woman whom he was going to betray and leave high and dry. He was a sensual man, the most I'd ever met in my entire life. He had the most remarkable eyes I had ever seen, hazel-green eyes. His skin was quite fair with a touch of peach tint to it. His hair was quite coarse to the touch. His lips were as pink as unripened strawberries. He had extremely long eyelashes and a pointed nose.
We had serious problems in our friendship and the relationship we were trying to build. Every time I called John, he would snap and tear my head off. He would say at the top of his lungs, "Idiot, where is that fucker? Oh shit! I got to keep tabs on that no-good, pain-in-my-ass freaking loser son of a bitch. Darling, do me a big favor. Hunt the bitch bastard down with a nice, big .38 special, and shoot him for me."
I realized for the first time in my life that John was a real problem for everyone, including me. What in the world had I gotten myself into? The very first time we met was in high school. I'd been interested in a program called Junior Achievement. Our eyes locked the very first moment we came in contact with each other. I loved him so deeply it was as if we were intimate, although we weren't at the time. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for him. I would have even laid down my life for him if I had to. I practically worshiped the ground he walked on. But my love and complete devotion to him was not enough to save him from his own destruction and the enemy that was threatening to separate us — the damn no-good drugs.
I did everything in my power to try to stop him from taking illegal drugs and destroying himself and our relationship. My efforts were futile. I lost him suddenly in later years until we were torn apart forever because of the dangerous drugs. We lost our relationship and friendship at the same time. I tried so hard to reason with him, but he would not listen. Not one time was he ever in reality.
I was not the failure; he was all along, not me. In his strange way, he cared a little for me, but the drugs stood in our way and blocked our future, so I finally lost it. I paid the price with regrets and so many bitter memories to follow all the years to come.
Then came the day we became lovers. At least we had some good and beautiful times together. I remember one time very well, as if it were today. We had decided to go to the movies on a day that was quite warm and sunny, but all of a sudden it became cold, and I had forgotten my jacket. I started to tremble from the cold air; he removed his jacket and gently put it around my body and shoulders. When I realized I had stopped shaking, he smiled so lovingly at me. Then my heart swelled up with so much love for him. Now all we have are very deep regrets.
When we worked together, there were times when he was cruel and heartless. We made things to sell. One day while John and I were setting up our display, a young woman approached us. She was pretty, but I was better looking. She winked at John and batted her eyelashes. He took off with her and left me by myself. They were gone for several hours. He finally returned alone and pleaded with me to forgive him, which I did. I didn't know any better.
Then slowly, over time, I started to lose him. Then I received the dreaded one final call. He told me in his own words that we had to end our relationship.
"I don't want to hurt you anymore," he said.
And then we separated. Several years went by, and then he resurfaced into my life to hurt me some more. Once he arrived to see me while under the influence of drugs. I didn't want the living hell he brought; it was something extremely dangerous and quite deadly.
His skin had turned a terrible shade of deep bloodred, and then his skin turned a ghastly shade of the palest white. His blue eyes started to change all sort of colors — gray, black, and blue — and his eye sockets bulged wide open as his breathing came in short breaths. And then suddenly it was over. He got up like nothing had happened and walked away. After that, I gave up on us altogether and ended our friendship and relationship forever. That was the last I ever saw of him.
CHAPTER 2
Seduction and Heartache
In 1982 I started to meet a lot of really bad men. I have a really big heart. It is tender, loving, and beautiful, and lots of evil people take pleasure in hurting it and crushing it. Because I was born so gullible and foolish, I would be hurt many times over the years and would almost lose my life because of these personality traits. This is my story.
I wasn't the problem. There was nothing wrong with me all along. How could people sleep at night after hurting good people all the time? Why not pick on someone your own size? I am a wonderful person. I am a bit slow and have been treated poorly because I am different from the so-called normal people. I think it's these people who aren't normal, because they treat me horribly. I am such a talented person; I can do all sorts of amazing things. For starters, I am a needlepoint expert, artist, great reader, and clarinet player. I also have a newfound gift of writing and will soon be a novelist and famous author of hundreds of books.
I have suffered much in my life. I am not alone. I was called a dummy for years by certain people. I won't mention any names; they know who they are. Just because some people are kind of slow doesn't mean that they are dumb. I am so smart; I just have more needs than other people do. I need help sometimes. I wish certain people could look past my slowness and praise me for my unique gifts that God has so richly blessed me with. I wonder why a lot people called me dummy in the first place; they are the dumb ones for saying it to me and the others who suffer along with me every day of their lives.
Because I was born with a tender heart, the day would come when I would know the real pain of suffering. Something evil was coming and gunning for me and my family. I will be haunted by it all the days of my life; in fact, I was almost completely destroyed by it.
But before this all happened, I met a man named Donald. Like so many before and after him, he would end up throwing me away, and I would pay the price again. But not all men are bad; there are many good ones out there. I happened to come across two of the best, and they would become my saviors, including God himself who saved the lives of me and my family.
In 1982 I met Donald. He didn't love me at all, but I was crazy about him. I loved him so much. He just used me and threw me away as if I were nothing but a piece of garbage. During the same year, my poor sister became involved with his roommate, Thomas. He didn't love my sister, Bell. I tried to warn her not to end up like me, but she refused to listen.
I was a whole lot stronger than my sister after Donald finished with me and let me go. After many years, he got payback for taking full advantage of me. He is now homeless and living on the streets, eating out of garbage cans to survive. Donald was my first love and broke my heart into a million pieces. He didn't give a damn in the first place. I still think about him often and still love him very much. I still don't know if he ever loved me, and I never saw him again after he left me.
I am quite a strong person. I am going to need a lot of strength and courage as death arrives many years from now. An unknown enemy will try his hardest to snuff the very life out of me. One man from my past will enter into my future to free me from the clutches of death. Something evil is heading my way, and once it gets here, I will be powerless. He will have no mercy for me and my family, but one man will stand between the evil that wants me dead and my friend from the past who will risk his life to save me. We are dealing with the devil himself.
CHAPTER 3
My Very Own Secret Admirer
Before the learning disability and mental illness took over my life completely, I meet a certain man named Alex. As I look back on my life, I can see that he had the power to save me from pain, despair, heartache, death, and the ultimate betrayals that have come to me, as well as those that will come in the future.
I am a good and loving person; God gave me the most beautiful heart anyone ever had. I am a little slow, but I am extremely bright. God gave me remarkable gifts. I am a crafter and do needlepoint. I make the prettiest things with a piece of floss thread and a very special yarn called crewel. I am the winner of hundreds of first-place ribbons at the fair, twenty-eight second-place ribbons, two best of show ribbons, and one first runner-up ribbon.
Alex should have loved me forever, but he didn't. Alex had a bad weakness. He wanted me but also wanted to see other women at the same time. I wanted to be the one and only woman in his life — just me and him together forever. I was completely loyal and faithful to him, so much so that I would have married him. Sometimes I wished I had never laid eyes on him in the first place. I have so much to regret in my life. I didn't know that one day he was going to turn his back on me and my family. He was my one and only, my first and last, and one day he betrayed me. I wonder sometimes if he really liked me in the first place or if he was toying with my fragile, gentle heart all along.
I have always accepted what people look like. I go by what is inside a person — the beauty within. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am not perfect looking. I am a heavyset woman, but I have nice features. I was trusting and only saw the good in everyone, no evil whatsoever.
When I first met Alex, I didn't care what he looked like. All I saw was a man who admired me and gave me pretty carnation flowers every day at my school and notes telling me how pretty I was. When I first looked into his eyes, I saw a lonely man who needed someone, and my tender heart went out to him. I could not turn him away. I remembered a time when I admired someone and he turned his back on me forever; I didn't have a chance. But when I sat down and talked to my friend Alex, I let him have his chance to get to know the person he admired so much in me.
Alex was the only one who was sorry. He was doing well even though he was from a broken family. His mother and father were alcoholics and left their children to fend for each other. They survived thanks to their oldest sister — bless her soul. She took care of all of them. In the meantime, my family took Alex under their wings and loved him as if he was their own flesh and blood. I didn't fall in love with Alex until Ronald used me and threw me away forever. Three long years went by before I fell deeply in love with Alex for the first time.
The first time I laid eyes on him, I should have run like a rabbit being hunted down for a meal to be eaten. Instead, I was blinded with love. I didn't see the ugliest in him; I only saw the love and devotion that came from him and, most importantly, his honesty and trustworthiness. I made his every fantasy become reality in every way possible. I was his girlfriend, lover, and partner. I was his mind, body, and soul, and very soon he was going to throw me away.
So after Ronald got rid of me, my great love affair with Alex took place. We became very close, and he could have been my husband. I loved him so much. One day he told me he needed to go on an important trip to Denver. I suggested that we should go together because it would be nice for us. He told me that he would rather go alone but added that we could go together next time. I agreed, but something kept nagging at me. I felt extremely uneasy. I knew deep in my heart that something was going to happen, and no good would come out of it.
Alex went on the trip to Denver and stayed for three long months. While he was away, he called every chance he got. I was unaware that a woman from his past had reentered his life. She was just using him, but he was too blind to catch on. I found out later that he was sending his family checks because they needed every penny to survive. Once his sister told Alex that his other siblings were dying in the hospital from lack of food and that they had to go to the fields and pick onions and greens just to get by.
So when Alex called me long-distance, he had been sleeping with that woman from his past behind my back and calling from her home all along. So one day his sister Jean called and talked to my father.
"Alex has run out of money whatsoever," she said. "He doesn't have a penny or a dollar on him. Please, Mr. Borne, can you send some money so he can return home?"
Of course, she knew my daddy had the money, which was sent. Alex made it safely home. I didn't know about the affair until he got off the jet plane. I was so overjoyed to see him and went out to hug him, but his back was to me. I was mentally hurt and asked him what the hell was wrong with him.
"I got a nice Christmas present," I told him.
He looked at me and said, "What did you expect? For me to jump all over you? I didn't come home to you. I was having a smashing time. It was a Disneyland trip."
Being the very kind person I was, I just started to cry and ran away as far as my legs would carry me. Now looking back on that day, I should have slapped him down to the fiery pits of hell. I should have put on my thinking cap and kicked the unholy shit out of him, but I stood there and cried my poor little heart out and turned and walked away with my shattered heart.
A few days went by, and every night before my head hit the pillows, I would cry for two hours before falling into a very restless sleep. A couple of days went by, and I got a very bizarre call from my friend Dave. I had met him through Alex, and we had become really good friends. He was a sweetheart, and just like me, he was being used by Alex.
Dave said, "Alex loves you very much. He wants to get with you; he needs you. Can Alex come over to discuss things with you?"
I agreed to the meeting and hung up the phone. I didn't know what to do or where to turn, and then I started think, I will call my best friend who is like a real sister to me; she can be trusted. She will help make the final decision. I trusted her with my life.
Marie arrived at my house and calmly sat herself down. We waited for Alex and Dave to arrive. The very minute they arrived, Marie's eyes locked with Alex's. He looked at her with disgust and hate, but she held her ground.
She looked straight into his eyes and said to him, "Why don't you come and sit by me? I don't bite. Alex, why aren't you sitting by me? Stop the damn evil looks you have been giving me ever since you walked through the door of this home."
Alex refused to answer her.
She said, "Your days are numbered. Boy, you have that jerk and pitiful excuse of a human being. You are an outcast to all human races. Now, Alex, I am going to ask you some really personal questions about your relationship with Susan. For starters, who gave you the right to hurt my best friend and sister?"
Alex didn't answer, and Marie grew more and more upset. "Okay. Don't answer, Alex. You have five minutes to start talking if you want to live ... Get your dog and hurry for God's sake. Get talking. I don't have all night."
Then, all of a sudden, Marie gave this look that could have killed him and started to turn pale and lose her breath.
I said, "I don't know why I did what I did to her. I did not realize how much she loved me."
Then Marie said, "I will be damned. What a lame answer. Can't you do better than that?" She looked him up and down twice before speaking again. "I love black men, but you are one of the lowest I have ever seen or met. You are the very scum of the earth. Why don't you go back under the rock you crawled out from, you sucker. I should beat your no-good trashy black ass right. But I respect the Bean family so much, as I've known this fine and loving family for years.
"Susan's like a sister to me, as well as my dearest and closest friend. I love her so much, and I don't like what you did to this harmless woman. Susan is a kind and gentle human being, and she is messed up mentally and emotionally. I am tempted to kick your ass myself. I want to get you so bad that my skin is trying to break with a rash. You are a no-good son of a whore saved by the Bean family. I'll be damned. Okay, you dog, why don't you whip out the pictures of those kids you claim belong to the whore you slept with?"
As Alex took out the pictures, his hand was shaking. It was like he was in a freezing-cold blizzard.
Marie continued. "Shit. These are the kids? No way in hell are these yours. Boy, do I have an itch that can't wait. I am so damn tempted to beat the living hell out you for hurting my friend and sister."
(Continues...)
Excerpted from A God And Brother's Love by Lanee' Hamilton. Copyright © 2016 Lanee Hamilton. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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