For mothers with boys newborn to eighteen, 5 Conversations You MustHave with Your Son is simply a must-have book. Award-winning youth culture commentator Vicki Courtney helps moms and dads pinpoint and prepare the discussions that should be ongoing in a boy’s formative years.
Fully addressing the dynamic social and spiritual issues and
other influencers at hand, several chapters are written for each
of the conversations, which are:
1. Don’t let the culture define you
2. Guard your heart
3. Have a little sex respect
4. Childhood is only for a season
5. You are who you’ve been becoming
The book also includes questions at the end of each conversation to help facilitate individual or group study.
For mothers with boys newborn to eighteen, 5 Conversations You MustHave with Your Son is simply a must-have book. Award-winning youth culture commentator Vicki Courtney helps moms and dads pinpoint and prepare the discussions that should be ongoing in a boy’s formative years.
Fully addressing the dynamic social and spiritual issues and
other influencers at hand, several chapters are written for each
of the conversations, which are:
1. Don’t let the culture define you
2. Guard your heart
3. Have a little sex respect
4. Childhood is only for a season
5. You are who you’ve been becoming
The book also includes questions at the end of each conversation to help facilitate individual or group study.
5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son, Revised and Expanded Edition
304
5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son, Revised and Expanded Edition
304eBook
Available on Compatible NOOK devices, the free NOOK App and in My Digital Library.
Related collections and offers
Overview
For mothers with boys newborn to eighteen, 5 Conversations You MustHave with Your Son is simply a must-have book. Award-winning youth culture commentator Vicki Courtney helps moms and dads pinpoint and prepare the discussions that should be ongoing in a boy’s formative years.
Fully addressing the dynamic social and spiritual issues and
other influencers at hand, several chapters are written for each
of the conversations, which are:
1. Don’t let the culture define you
2. Guard your heart
3. Have a little sex respect
4. Childhood is only for a season
5. You are who you’ve been becoming
The book also includes questions at the end of each conversation to help facilitate individual or group study.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781462796311 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | B&H Publishing Group |
| Publication date: | 03/01/2019 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 304 |
| File size: | 4 MB |
| Age Range: | 3 Months to 18 Years |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
A Time for Everything
"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." (1 Sam. 1:27 — 28)
Most every mother remembers an incident beyond the "It's a boy!" announcement that marked their sudden induction into the Boy Mama Club. For me initiation day began with special instructions from a nurse in the hospital on how to clean the navel area and (ahem) ... you know, "it." When I tried to follow her instructions, I was awarded with a golden waterworks display and a chuckle from the nurse who responded to the show with, "Welcome to the wonderful world of boys!" It was almost as if my new son was sending out an advance warning: "Get ready, lady! You ain't seen nothin' yet!" And bless my heart, I hadn't. I didn't have a clue about the world of boys until I found myself smack-dab in the middle of raising my own little bundle of testosterone. And I wouldn't trade the experience of raising my two boys for anything. In fact, they both captured my heart from day one.
Nothing compares to raising boys. Recently I was going through a box of keepsake items and stumbled upon a letter I received from my youngest son, Hayden, when he was away at camp for a week. He was nine years old at the time, and it was his first summer camp experience. He had begged to go to summer camp like his two older siblings, and finally I relented and signed the boy up. His older brother and sister had been two years older when they experienced their first summer camp, so I went back and forth after turning the paperwork in, wondering if I had made the right decision. When the time came to drop him off, I could hardly tear myself away. He looked so small next to some of the older campers! Of course, he was excited and could hardly wait for his father and me to leave. I had packed paper and self-addressed, stamped envelopes in his trunk and given him strict instructions to write home at least every other day (yes, to assuage my own worries!).
I worried myself sick during the week that followed and checked the mailbox daily hoping for a letter from him. I waited. And I waited. And I waited. Finally, toward the end of the week, I received the one and only camp letter I would ever receive from my son during all his camp years combined. Mind you, I discovered this rare camp letter from my son in the keepsake box that contained a sea of camp letters from my daughter. In her letters she provided detailed descriptions of her days and full-length bios on each new friend made. As a bonus she often added stickers or doodle drawings to jazz up her letters. Needless to say, Hayden's camp letter did not follow his sister's previously established protocol.
Following is a transcript of my much-anticipated camp letter from Hayden:
Dear parents,
We had bean burritos for lunch today and Andrew and I couldn't stop tooting so we started a tooting contest in our cabin during bunk time. I won. Camp is fun.
Love, Hayden
That's it. No details about canoeing, horseback riding, or roasting marshmallows by a campfire. Just tooting. Which for the record, he could have done at home, for free. On the upside, at least the letter brought an end to my worry. Clearly the little lad wasn't crying himself to sleep each night. Tooting himself to sleep maybe but not crying. For the record, on pickup day, I raced toward him and was greeted with, "Mommy, I love camp! Can I go for two weeks next summer?" When we returned home, I opened his trunk to begin the post-camp laundry washathon, and to my absolute horror found an unused bar of soap along with five of the seven prematched and neatly folded outfits still prematched and neatly folded! On the upside, I didn't have much wash to do.
Welcome to the world of boys where post-burrito flatulence is considered a competitive sport and hygiene, much to a mother's dismay, is optional. In this chapter we are going to discuss some factors that make our boys unique (beyond hygiene and flatulence issues). We will also discuss the unique role we, as mothers, play when it comes to communicating with our sons in order that we might set a proper foundation for the conversations to come. Somewhere at the top of our list should be an ongoing pep talk on proper hygiene, including instructions on raising the toilet seat and putting it back down. Because we all know that particular skill needs to be mastered before marriage.
Paving the Way for Open Communication
Author and clergyman Henry Ward Beecher once noted, "The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom." Boys view their mothers as a safe haven or a shelter from the storms of life. Whether they take a tumble off their bikes at age four or fail to make the basketball team at fourteen, Mom will be there to offer encouragement and support. Author Meg Meeker, in her book Boys Should Be Boys, says, "When a mother extends outstretched arms to a son who has failed in sports, or school, or socially, or been deemed not smart enough, 'manly enough,' or just plain not good enough, he begins to understand what love is all about. The moment a mother extends her grace, he begins to understand that goodness in being a man isn't all about his performance. It isn't about his successes or his failures. It is about being able to accept love from another and then return that love."
The love a boy receives from his mother will set the tone for his future relationships. I remember shortly after I met Keith, the man who would become my husband, telling my two closest girlfriends, "I think I met him — you know, the one." One of their first questions was, "What kind of relationship does he have with his mother?" If a boy has loved and been loved by his mother, he is at an advantage when it comes to loving others. While fathers typically model acts of service to their sons and focus more on doing, mothers typically model acts of love and help their sons find value in being. If a boy is to develop into a well-rounded young man, he will need both a primary male and female influence in his life. If your son is lacking a primary male influence, set out to find positive and trusted male role models. (I will address this more in-depth in Conversation 5.)
In addition to modeling love to our sons, we also hold the primary position of influence when it comes to character and spiritual development. E. W. Caswell (eighteenth-century hymn writer) said, "The mother, more than any other, affects the moral and spiritual part of the children's character. She is their constant companion and teacher in formative years. The child is ever imitating and assimilating the mother's nature. It is only in after life that men gaze backward and behold how a mother's hand and heart of love molded their young lives and shaped their destiny." Your willingness to pick up this book and read it speaks volumes about your commitment to the spiritual and character development of your son(s).
A Listening Ear
It can be difficult for boys to open up and talk about their feelings, emotions, fears, and things that matter most to them. In the book Boys Should Be Boys, author Meg Meeker notes, "Boys usually form stronger emotional bonds with their mothers during the early boyhood years, and it is important not to sever those bonds unnaturally or too soon. Mothers can encourage sons in areas where fathers typically don't. Being more emotionally attuned than fathers, they can see their sons' feelings and motivations more readily, and try to understand and direct them. Because many boys feel emotionally safer with their mothers, they feel less inhibited in front of them."
As your son begins to pull away in his adolescent years, he may be more resistant to talk about his feelings, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have them. Look for signs of stress or indications he may need to process something that may be weighing heavy on his heart. You might offer a simple, "Hey, is everything okay? Remember, I'm here if you need to talk about anything." Resist the temptation to try to force him to open up or share more than he is comfortable sharing at the time. By simply making yourself available, it sends a message that you care and are on call to listen should he need you.
As your son gets older and begins to interact more with girls, you can be a great source of wisdom to your son when it comes to unraveling the mysterious female mind. Meeker says, "A mother can teach her son about girls, because a son respects his mother even when he finds it hard to tolerate the girls at school. She teaches him to tolerate girls at various ages, to excuse their feminine behaviors that he finds ridiculous, and to appreciate that the differences between boys and girls are not good and bad, but two beneficial aspects of human nature."
Mothers are in a unique place to help their sons better understand girls. The irony is, I gave my sons pep talks and described the kind of girls they might want to steer clear of only to realize later, I've just described myself as a girl! It's funny how your perspective suddenly changes when you have a son who could fall prey to the kind of girl drama their own mama doled out! I recall one poor guy in the sixth grade whom I broke up with after three hours because one of my friends told me another guy (whom I had a big-time crush on) liked me. If some girl had attempted to pull that stunt on one of my boys, there's a chance I would have signed up for a martial arts class and paid her a friendly visit. For the record, justice was served because the object of my crush dumped me within twenty-four hours!
Finally, if your son confides in you or shares something that is sensitive in nature, do not share it with your friends. This is especially true when it comes to social media. While it may seem harmless to post a transcript of a cute conversation you had with your son or upload a picture of a sweet note they wrote to you or someone else, it can come back to haunt you years later if your son concludes that anything he shares with you is fair game to post on social media. It takes boys a great deal of courage and trust to share their innermost thoughts and feelings, and when they do so, it's an honor and a privilege to be on the receiving end.
Entertainment Industry: The Joke's on Men
The entertainment industry has tremendous power of persuasion when it comes to viewers and how they perceive the world around them. This is especially true when it comes to the portrayal of men in movies and television. The standard prototype seems to be a weak, emasculated male who is incapable of formulating an intelligent, rational thought on his own.
Consider one commercial that aired during a Super Bowl game. CBS's Jim Nantz delivered an injury report on a guy (Jason) whose girlfriend "removed his spine." Microphone in hand, Jim delivers his lines in newscaster fashion as Jason is forced to shop with his girlfriend during game time. The first scene shows poor Jason standing in a lingerie shop with a red bra draped over his shoulder staring in a static gaze as his girlfriend flips through the sales rack in the background. The ad is for FLO-TV, which would allow Jason to watch the game on his mobile phone. Voilà, problem solved for the army of emasculated men who were fortunate enough to be tuning into the Super Bowl game with their buddies, and platters of buffalo wings. I imagine there was a chorus of high-fives among game watchers when Jim Nantz delivers the final line in the ad: "Change out of that skirt, Jason."
And then there was the Dockers "Men without Pants" thirty-second ad spot that addressed the emasculated state of manhood by showing a group of childish men marching onto the field (pantless) and singing, "I wear no pants." They were interrupted with the message: "Calling all men, it's time to wear the pants."
Dodge capitalized on the all-too-common stereotype of the emasculated male by airing an ad during the Super Bowl that showed a series of men who stared into the camera lens with a hollow and expressionless look on their faces as the laundry list of male indignities were listed one by one by a narrator.
• I will get up and walk the dog at 6:20 a.m.
• I will eat some fruit as part of my breakfast.
• I will shave, and clean the sink after I shave.
• I will be at work at 8:00 a.m.
• I will sit through two-hour meetings.
• I will say yes when you want me to say yes.
• I will be quiet when you don't want me to say no.
• I will take your call and listen to your opinion of my friends.
• I will listen to your friends' opinions of my friends.
• I will be civil to your mother.
• I will put the seat down.
• I will separate the recycling.
• I will carry your lip balm.
• I will take my socks off before getting into bed.
• I will put my underwear in the basket.
The narrator's tone began with an edge of quiet confidence that by the end of the ad turned into a raw anger that culminated with the line, "And because I do this. I will drive the car I want to drive. Charger, Man's Last Stand." The ad was a rally cry for men to rise up and take back their masculinity.
Add to this the "idiot husband and dad" portrayal of men in the average TV sitcom family, which has been around for so long most of us have subconsciously come to expect it as the norm. We've all been guilty of laughing at the vaudevillian caricatures of TV husbands and dads who behave more like immature adolescents than grown adults. We'd be naïve to believe it hasn't influenced our view of men at large.
In movies, television shows, and commercials, men have become nothing more than a punch line to a joke; laughable, but certainly not respectable. Our sons are absorbing this message and it has, at least on a subconscious level, had an impact on their perception of manhood and masculinity. I am not suggesting we ban our sons from watching these shows, but rather, let's take advantage of the opportunities as they arise to teach our sons to recognize the negative portrayal of men, and in turn, point them to real-life examples of men who are noble representations of godly manhood.
The Feminization of Education
For decades, boys have been falling behind girls in school. Girls now outperform boys at every grade level from kindergarten through twelfth grade. Boys have more trouble graduating high school and are less likely to attend college. Consider that in the 1970's 58 percent of college students were men and 42 percent were women. Today, that percentage has nearly reversed and women comprised approximately 56 percent of college students nationwide in the fall of 2017. To put it into perspective, there were nearly 2.2 million fewer men enrolled in college. Sadly, the trend shows no signs of letting up.
Why are boys lagging behind in school? Albert Mohler Jr., theologian and author of the book Culture Shift, speculates, "Many young men consider the educational environment to be frustrating, constricting, and overly feminized." Decades ago there was an outcry to funnel more attention into addressing the weak links in educating girls. Special interest groups sprang forth with blueprints in place to address and cater to the learning patterns in girls in the years leading up to college, with the higher goal of increasing female enrollment in colleges and universities. New female-friendly approaches in education (for example, The Women's Educational Equity Act) were implemented to cater to the educational needs of girls and help them succeed in subjects like math and science, which had previously proven to be weak links for many girls.
Rick Johnson, author of the book That's My Son, notes:
The war cry of these groups in the past has been that boys were given preferential treatment in schools much to the detriment of girls. This was epitomized a dozen years ago when Wellesley College researcher Susan Bailey wrote a report that made national headlines. Titled, "How Schools Shortchange Girls," the study chronicled how teachers paid more attention to boys, steered girls away from math and science, and made schools more inviting to boys than to girls. However, a review of the facts today shows that boys are on the weak end of the educational gender gap.
Take into consideration the fact that in the United States girls capture more academic honors, outscore boys in reading and writing, and score about as well on math at the fourth-, eighth-, and twelfth-grade levels on the National Assessment for Educational Progress exam. "Brain research has shown differences in male and female brains that can affect preferred learning styles and communication," says Mary Ann Clark, UF associate professor of counselor education and principal investigator of an international study exploring the gender gap in education. "It has been suggested that public school curriculum may not be teaching 'to the boys' and that teaching styles are more suitable for girls."
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son, Revised and Expanded Edition"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Vicki Courtney.
Excerpted by permission of B&H Publishing Group.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Introduction,
Conversation 1: Don't let the culture define you.,
Chapter 1: A Time for Everything,
Chapter 2: Wired for Adventure,
Chapter 3: Masculinity Redefined,
Conversation 2: Guard your heart.,
Chapter 4: The Tech Natives Are Restless,
Chapter 5: Porn: A Virtual Reality,
Chapter 6: Raising a Wise Guy,
Conversation 3: Have a little sex respect.,
Chapter 7: Beyond the Birds and Bees,
Chapter 8: Play Now, Pay Later,
Chapter 9: A New and Improved Sex Talk,
Conversation 4: Childhood is only for a season.,
Chapter 10: Real Man or Peter Pan?,
Chapter 11: Ready, Set, Launch,
Chapter 12: Family Man: An Endangered Species,
Conversation 5: You are who you've been becoming.,
Chapter 13: Raising Up a Gentleman,
Chapter 14: Grounded for Life,
Chapter 15: The Heart of the Matter,
Appendix: Talk Sheets,
Notes,