12 Hours to a Great Marriage: A Step-by-Step Guide for Making Love Last
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12 Hours to a Great Marriage: A Step-by-Step Guide for Making Love Last
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Overview
Until now the only way you could experience this winning twelve-hour program was to attend a weekend workshop. But now, with 12 Hours to a Great Marriage, you can discover the simple, effective strategies that have helped thousands of couples— happily married, having issues, or planning to marry— to develop and protect their love, easily and at your own pace. Each chapter covers one of the key ingredients of the program, like Being Best Friends, Having Fun Together, and Protecting and enhancing Your Love Life, and shows you how to take the steps that research shows are the basis for a long-term, healthy, loving marriage. By practicing the simple skills, taking the thought-provoking self-tests, doing the fun and innovative exercises, and reading real-life couples' inspiring and informative stories, you'll find that in twelve short hours you'll be well on your way to having that great marriage you've always dreamed of.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780787968007 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Wiley |
| Publication date: | 10/13/2003 |
| Pages: | 304 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 1.00(d) |
About the Author
Scott M. Stanley is lead author of our best-selling Christian marriage book A Lasting Promise, co-author of Fighting For Your Marriage, and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver.
Susan L. Blumberg is a co-author of Fighting For Your Marriage and director of Interpersonal Communications Options.
Natalie H. Jenkins is the lead author of You Paid How Much For That and vice-president/marketing director of PREP; All four authors live in Denver, Colorado.
Carol Whitley is the author of The Everything Creative Writing Book and lives in Los Altos, California.
Read an Excerpt
12 Hours to a Great Marriage
A Step-by-Step Guide for Making Love Last
By Howard J. Markman Scott M. Stanley Natalie H. Jenkins Susan L. Blumberg Carol Whiteley
John Wiley & Sons
Copyright © 2003
Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Natalie H. Jenkins, Susan L. Blumberg, Carol
Whiteley
All right reserved.
ISBN: 0-7879-6800-5
Chapter One
To Janine, Mat, Leah, Mark, Mom and Dad-your
love, acceptance, and support nourish me every day
and are appreciated more than you all know.
-HJM
To Nancy, Kyle, and Luke, with all my love
-SMS
To my parents, for their love and support
To Aviva and Natan, for bringing such joy into my life
To Lewis, always
-SLB
Shawn-As I notice the gray in your hair I realize
we really are "growing old together." For over twenty
years we've not merely grown older, but we
continue to learn how to love. Thank you for
growing older and wiser with me.
-NHJ
To Mark, the most wonderful son in the world,
and to Trina, Dad, Joan, and Bob-you're the best.
-CW
Introduction:
Stepping Up to the Plate
If someone asked you what you wanted most out of life, what
would you say? One of the deepest longings of people everywhere
is to have a great relationship, especially in the form
of a great marriage. No matter what their background, age, or circumstances,
most adults on the planet yearn for the love, fun, acceptance,
and deep connection that can come from a happy, lifelong
relationship.
Do you dream of having a great marriage? It's a good dream to
have. A great, forever marriage is a wonderful thing to be part of, and
can enrich your life. The question is, though, how do you turn your
dream into reality?
This book was written to help you bring your dream closer. In it
we've condensed everything we've learned from our 25 years of marital
research and experience into a 12-hour program that will help you
develop and protect a loving relationship. Whether you are happily
married and want to stay that way, having issues you'd like help with,
or planning to marry and want to know how to preserve all the great
things about your relationship, the information in this book can help
you make it happen.
Just 12 hours to a great marriage? We understand if you're a little
skeptical. We want to say right up front that it's going to take more
than 12 hours to develop a happy, deeply satisfying, loving, lasting
marriage. In fact, you and your partner are going to have to commit to
a lifetime of teamwork to have the relationship you really want. But the
approximately 12 hours it takes to read this book and do the exercises
can put you well on your way to making your dream come true.
If you're like most people, though, it might be hard for you to find
even 12 hours to devote to this program. Life just keeps getting busier
and busier. But if you want to celebrate your 50th wedding anniversary
some day, carving out 12 hours now to help you make sure those 50
years are good ones doesn't seem like too much to ask.
To help you out, we've set things up so you don't have to find the
12 hours all at once. We've organized this book so you can work on its
easy-to-understand, proven program just one hour at a time, one
chapter at a time. We think you'll find each hour so full of real help
and inspiration that you'll make the time to do all 12 hours soon.
But you don't have to stay up all night or go without food to get
under way.
THINKING IN NEW WAYS
Taking it an hour at a time is a wonderful way to start creating your
dream partnership. So is thinking about marriage in a way you've probably
never thought about it before-like (are you ready?) a great game
of baseball!
Baseball? Baseball and marriage? Yes. Definitely. After working with
thousands of couples to improve their relationships and prevent
divorce, we think a good game of baseball has a whole lot in common
with marriage. Here's what we've found they have in common:
To succeed, you've got to work as a team.
Each player must cover his or her own position.
You've got to play by the rules.
Good strategy can make the difference between winning and
losing.
All players need to keep up their skills.
It's possible to strike out, but with hard work and determination
you can hit a home run.
Unsportsmanlike behavior can get you benched or thrown out.
Sometimes you have to sacrifice.
You're supposed to have a good time.
There's no spitting allowed. (OK, we wish there were no spitting
allowed.)
Do you see what we mean? Marriage and baseball really do have a
lot in common. So as you work with this program, we suggest you
think of baseball as a helpful comparison. By stepping up to the plate,
digging in, and following the proven strategies you're going to learn
here, your team can have a championship season.
WHY CAN IT BE HARD TO
MAKE LOVE LAST?
Experts often tell us that it's easy to fall in love but hard to stay there.
But why should it be hard if lifelong love is what we desire?
The answer is that, since World War II, the institution of marriage
has changed enormously. Before that time, the divorce rate was low:
only adultery and abandonment were reasons to end a marriage. Men
and women also had similar expectations about the roles they would
play and the way they'd raise their family.
Today, things are much different. Women's roles have changed and
expanded. People are more mobile, and much less likely to live near
family or friends. And expectations for romance and passion have skyrocketed.
For many people, there's a big gap between what they have
and what they think they should have.
It's also gotten easier to end a marriage. That's good when the marriage
is destructive. But it has also caused couples to believe that no
marriage works well for the long term, so their marriage must be
hopeless too.
Considering all these changes, it's not hard to see why many couples
don't achieve the happy, committed marriage they long for.
What is the impact of not having these deep longings met in marriage?
For many couples, it means feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and
unsure. It also means that, to handle all the new choices and new issues
marriage now involves, partners have to negotiate with each other. And
the way they handle conflict and differences-part of all relationships
-has a huge effect on the state of their marriage and the survival
of their happiness. In other words, because conflict in any long-term
relationship is inevitable, you have to figure out how to manage disagreements
and solve problems in a way that protects and preserves
your love.
WE'RE GOING TO COACH YOU
In our clinical practices, we've seen many once-happy couples ruin
their marriage by fighting in destructive ways. We've also heard them
say that they wished they'd learned what we're teaching in this program
much earlier in their lives.
Although nearly half of all marriages today end in divorce, yours
doesn't have to be one of them. If you use the research-based, field-tested
marriage enhancement strategies in this book, you can prevent
divorce. You can increase your happiness.
So think of this book, and us, as your coach. We're going to help
you develop your relationship skills, deepen your motivation, and
improve your chances of having a happier and richer life with your
partner, now and in the future.
OUR WINNING PROGRAM
Just what is this book based on? It's based on a program called PREP,
which stands for the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program.
We developed PREP after years of in-depth research to show
engaged and married couples how to build strong and happy marriages.
We've used it to train, counsel, and coach thousands of couples
in workshops and seminars over the years, most often through a 12-hour
program like the one featured here. Our program has helped couples
learn the skills and attitudes that our research shows lead to good
relationships, and now we want to help you.
PREP's track record is great: we've helped many couples build
their friendship, enhance their commitment, boost their fun, and
reduce the negatives that can damage closeness. Because they work so
well, our materials are used all around the world. Here in the United
States, they're used in community settings, by government agencies, in
religious institutions, and throughout the branches of the U.S. military.
We're certain they're so successful because they're based on sound
research findings from many respected social scientists as well as the
continuing research we conduct at the Center for Marital and Family
Studies at the University of Denver. They offer simple, straightforward
knowledge that you can use to make a difference in your marriage.
Our approach isn't magic. And it isn't therapy or counseling. It's a
program that tells you about, and has you practice, a number of simple,
effective strategies to develop and protect the love and happiness you
want in your relationship. It's a program to help you better your marriage
and prevent divorce.
FOUR HALLMARKS OF A GREAT MARRIAGE
Research has shown that the happiest, most deeply contented couples
have four things in common, though they may demonstrate them in
different ways:
1. They share friendship and love in many ways.
2. They treat each other with kindness and respect.
3. Both partners do their own part.
4. They're committed to staying together, even when it's no bed
of roses.
We'll talk more about these ideas in Hours 1 through 12. But here,
in a nutshell, is a bit about each.
Your Field of Dreams
Remember the movie Field of Dreams? In it Kevin Costner plays a husband
and father who is moved by mysterious forces to build a baseball
field in Iowa. Even if you haven't seen the movie, you may remember
the line, "If you build it, they will come." One way we summarize the
four hallmarks of a great marriage is by using a baseball field. At first
base, we have protecting and sharing friendship and love. Second base
is treating each other respectfully when dealing with conflict. Third
base is commitment to your marriage-keeping your relationship in first
place. At the pitcher's mound is the centerpiece: doing your own part. If
you build your field of dreams, you will always be "safe at home."
Sharing Friendship and Love
When we ask people what they want in a lifelong mate, they often say,
"A best friend." Most of us long for a partner who will love us and
accept us no matter what.
Friendship is essential to a great marriage. In fact, friendship sustains
marriage as much as passion does-maybe more. Romantic passion
is wonderful, and later in the book we'll give you lots of ways to
keep it alive. But there is probably no better way to keep love strong in
your marriage than through friendship.
Treating Your Partner with Kindness and Respect
All of us want to be honored and treated well-especially by our partner.
But in reality most of us honor least the ones we love the most.
When we get mad or frustrated or disappointed, we often take it out
on the person closest to us. (We see you nodding!) And our research
shows that couples who put each other down and are hostile to each
other are the most likely to develop serious problems.
Problems are going to come up in every marriage. That's something
you can count on. But when conflicts come up between the two
of you, you don't have to react to them with anger or disrespect. And
they don't have to put your marriage at risk. The approaches we teach
in this book will show you how to prevent or stop destructive ways of
handling conflict. They'll also show you how to solve problems with
kindness, generosity, and good will-without your being afraid to say
what you really think or worry about what might happen.
In other words, our methods for handling conflict should make you
feel emotionally and physically safe-and that's essential for having a
deeply connected, loving relationship.
Knowing and Doing Your Part
To give your marriage the best chance to succeed, each of you needs to
work on your part of the relationship. For example, if you think your
spouse is being unfair to you, instead of yelling or doing something
unfair back, you should do the most constructive thing you can think
of. Your partner's poor behavior mustn't keep you from doing your all
for the team-unless you're constantly being victimized. Then you
need to seek out other help. (See Getting More Help When There Are
Serious Problems at the end of the book.)
Your partner's bad behavior also shouldn't justify bad behavior of
your own. Far too often people feel justified hurting their loved ones
because they feel hurt themselves.
Because your team is made up of two individuals, each of you will
have the most control over your relationship by controlling your own
thoughts and actions within it. But if you think you have to understand
your behavior before you can control it, don't worry. Although it can
be good to know why you do the things you do, you don't have to
understand it completely right now.
Instead, you can start by being the best friend and partner you can
be and acting in a loving way. Then, as you learn more, you can show
your love in even more effective ways. Work to identify and decrease
negative behaviors and increase positive ones. And remember that one
part of loving well is accepting your partner for who he or she is.
The quizzes and exercises in each hour will help you learn to do
your part as well as how to work together better as a team. We'll also
give you advice on things that are best done together.
Three Important Ways to Do Your Part
1. Regularly do things that will please your partner. It can be as
simple as rubbing her back after a long day at her desk, if that's
something you know she enjoys. Or it can be surprising him
with tickets-for both of you-to see his favorite team's next
home game.
2. Let negative or annoying comments roll off you. If something needs
to be dealt with, do it when both of you are calm and you can
discuss it in a constructive way.
3. Be the best person you can be. Take responsibility for your own
issues, personal growth, appearance, and health. Make the effort
to take good care of yourself and improve yourself, for your own
sake and the sake of your marriage.
Committing to Staying Together
When they marry, many couples think mainly about the here and
now-the wedding, the honeymoon, setting up house. But marriage
can and should last a lifetime.
Continues...
Excerpted from 12 Hours to a Great Marriage
by Howard J. Markman Scott M. Stanley Natalie H. Jenkins Susan L. Blumberg Carol Whiteley
Copyright © 2003 by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Natalie H. Jenkins, Susan L. Blumberg, Carol
Whiteley.
Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments ixIntroduction: Stepping Up to the Plate 1
Part I Getting to First
Hour 1: Taking a Positive Attitude 19
Hour 2: Simple Techniques for Talking Safely and Clearly 43
Hour 3: Handling Your Issues 63
Hour 4: Solving Your Problems 83
Hour 5: Great Ground Rules for a Great Relationship 107
Part II Reaching Second
Hour 6: Having Fun 125
Hour 7: Enhancing Your Love Life 143
Hour 8: Sharing Values and Core Beliefs 163
Part III Rounding Third
Hour 9: Meeting Expectations 185
Hour 10: Forgiving 205
Part IV Safe at Home
Hour 11: Being Friends 227
Hour 12: Making the Commitment 243
Epilogue: Keeping the Program in Play 263
Getting More Help When There Are Serious Problems 265
Resources and Training 269
Selected Research and References 271
About the Authors 277
What People are Saying About This
"This book makes lasting love achievable." — John Gray, author, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"I love this book! It's like hiring your own top-notch relationship coach for twelve hours and getting a lifetime's worth of lessons for creating a loving, lasting marriage." — Michele Weiner-Davis, author, The Sex-Starved Marriage and Divorce Busting
"It actually makes working on your marriage fun. In fact, it introduces an approach that believes having fun is one of the hallmarks of a successful marriage." — Diane Sollee, smartmarriages.com, and founder and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education
"Delivered in a personal and engaging style, the most helpful book yet from the 'dream team' of marriage educators." — William J. Doherty, Ph.D., professor, University of Minnesota, and author of Take Back Your Marriage
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