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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781468542042 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 03/30/2012 |
| Pages: | 232 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.69(d) |
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107 WAYS TO HELP OTHERS
Cope with Waves of GriefBy Luann Lee Brown
AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2012 Luann Lee BrownAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4685-4205-9
Chapter One
Do Something
It is uncomfortable. You may justify your lack of action by thinking, I don't want to upset him. But he's already upset!
You may think, I'll give her space. But she has an overabundance of space right now ... It's filled with pain, regardless of how "well" you think she's doing. If she says she wants some time alone, respect this, of course. Later, you can still acknowledge her loss or use one of the other ideas in this book.
Perhaps you haven't seen the individual in a long time following their loss. It is still important to acknowledge it. For example, you could say, "How have you been doing since your wife died?" or "I was so sorry to hear about the death of your brother."
I used to be a member of Toastmasters, a public-speaking club. Dave and his wife, Carol, were so excited when our club gave them a surprise baby shower. They'd been married several years, and she was eight months pregnant with their first child—a son, whom they had already named Nicholas and whom they already cherished. They opened each gift in front of us, and there were the usual "Awws" and "Oh, how cutes!" exclaimed—little blue stockings, tiny onesies, miniature thises, and adorable thats.
Carol delivered their child beautifully, but several hours after this full-term baby—already held, already loved, already with parental plans that spanned into and through college—was born, he suddenly and without explanation died.
Dave didn't return to Toastmasters, a club he'd been a faithful and active participant in for years, until months later. When he did return, he was much quieter than his usual ebullient self. He looked frankly uncomfortable and tired in this familiar, upbeat setting.
After that night's meeting, I caught his sleeve as he was readying himself to depart. I expressed how sad I was for his loss. He talked about it—just the two of us in the otherwise empty meeting room. We shed tears and hugged a close good-bye.
Later, he revealed how good it felt to have his son and his grief acknowledged. The others in the club did not that first night of his return. This loving and supportive group of people did not know what to say.
Truthfully, it doesn't matter all that much what you say (with a few exceptions, which I will reveal later); it is only important that you not ignore or evade the loss.
Chapter Two
Give a Journal, Pen, and Tissues
You may wrap them individually or all within one box or just tie a large bow around this gift trio.
Your kind gift will speak volumes. You are saying, without words, first and foremost, that tears are expected, accepted, and healthy.
Choose the journal carefully. Bookstores and even places like Target and Walmart sell journals. It need not be expensive. Actually, you might buy a plain notebook of any size. (I prefer a size small enough to fit into my purse so that it is always with me.) Spiral-bound notebooks and journals are quite practical because they lie flat when one is writing, and it is easier to write on the left side of the inside pages.
If you choose to buy a notebook rather than a journal, personalize the cover with beautiful paper. The best selection can usually be found at craft stores, although, I have used lovely wrapping paper. If you have a photograph of the deceased, paste it on the cover. You may decide to create a collage and print, write, or use letter stickers to add words that describe the positive attributes of the person who has died.
Instead of a card, write something on the inside cover of the journal, such as: "May this journal be a tool of healing. Write all of what you feel, your memories, and your prayers. Seek peace through your tears as you put pen to paper." Or you could simply write, "With love (or empathy or sympathy)" or whatever seems the most appropriate and heartfelt and sign your name.
The pen can also be inexpensive. I personally enjoy writing with gel pens. Craft or office-supply stores offer a large assortment of pens to choose from. Select a pen color that complements the color of the journal, so, too, the color of the box of tissues.
You could even cover the box with the same paper you used on the notebook.
Be creative, or keep it very simple. The most critical thing is your gesture and the myriad of meanings behind your gift.
Chapter Three
Give Water or Green Tea
Bring—not offer. Even if he doesn't drink it, it will be close at hand and there's a better chance he'll drink it.
Copious tears lead to dehydration, especially when the loss is fresh and feelings are so raw that it is literally possible to disregard thirst and hunger. The feelings of pain override our basic instincts of survival.
When you are feeling helpless, it also gives you something important and purposeful to do. Fill the glass with ice and make it look as appealing as possible, perhaps adding a wedge of lemon.
Choose a plastic or Styrofoam cup, if possible. A glass can be thrown in frustration and pain. While this may not be how you would ever expect him to behave, you have never seen him when he is feeling like he is right now. Even if he has grieved before, each grief experience is unique for that person.
Remember that beverages such as coffee can intensify the problem of dehydration.
Alcoholic beverages are completely out of the question because of their depression-enhancing properties and the other contraindicated side effect: the loosening of self-control (more about this later).
Encourage him to drink, but don't push.
For comfort and company
In this parched desert
Of grief and despair
Bring me water, please
Glass after glass
To keep up with
My tears of need
To be hydrated and
... To be with the one I lost
Chapter Four
Ask, "What Is Your Most Pressing Need Right Now?"
It is sometimes easy to overrelate to the person we are consoling, especially if you have experienced a similar loss. This is not altogether bad, as it means you are empathetic and altruistic. The major concerns you had after your loss, however, are not likely the same ones she faces in her loss.
Your question tells her you are there to listen and help, if possible. It gives her a chance to maybe move outside the fog of her feelings and talk about what needs are pressing on her heart the most. It might be how to go about making funeral arrangements or how to tell others about the death. Later upon her grief journey, it could be worries over finances or what to do with the belongings and clothes of the person who died.
My husband died suddenly after thirty-four years of marriage. He was an accountant, and we lived very traditional husband and wife roles. So, my first worry was, "How do I pay the bills?" In fact, "Where do I find the bills?" I didn't even know what we owed or what we earned.
It was embarrassing to have been an occupational therapist, a professional who helps the disabled be as independent as possible, yet, when it came to finances, to be so uninformed. It was hard to admit it, to talk about it, and especially to ask for help. The question, "What concerns you most right now?" would have opened that door.
A parent of young children will have different needs than an elderly person who just lost her soul mate of fifty years—or maybe not.
The context of the relationship, the circumstances of the death, and the uniqueness of the bereaved will all impact the answer to this critical question.
As a victim advocate, I was dispatched to a home where a forty-something man had just died during sexual intercourse with his wife, just before they were to go to work at the business they owned. When I asked her this question, inwardly, I thought, That's a dumb question. Of course, she is worried about dealing with her own feelings and people's reactions to how he died. But her number-one concern at the time was, "Who will open up the doors to our business this morning?"
Be open, be nonjudgmental, and be there.
Chapter Five
Remind Him There Is No "Right" Way to Grieve
Some people experience death silently and stoically. Others go on an emotional rampage. In the Bible, Jacob, upon being told his favorite son, Joseph, had been slaughtered by an animal, reacted by tearing his own clothing: "Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sack cloth and mourned his son for many days" (Genesis 37:34).
Usually, the bereaved is on an emotional roller coaster and may even question his sanity. You may question it as well.
I recall apologizing a lot after my husband died, feeling as if I was being inappropriate and furthering my own pain. I was concerned about making others feel uncomfortable. It helped so much when I was told that there wasn't a right or wrong way to act in my situation.
As a victim advocate responsible for helping deliver death notifications, I have seen a myriad of responses, from silent acceptance to gut-wrenching screams and even physically running away from the messengers.
While you certainly don't want the bereaved to hurt himself, even accidently, you can let him know that there truly isn't a right or wrong way to grieve. The only behavior that is not acceptable is suicide.
It's unnerving to be with someone who is wailing in emotional agony—especially someone you deeply care about. I recall my mom saying to me, a sobbing adolescent at the time, "Please, don't cry! You are breaking my heart!" You may want to say something similar. Please ... don't. Let him cry or sit silently or pace. Let him lead the discussion.
You may want to either push the person to open up if he's very quiet or find a way to sedate him if he is hysterical. But the best you can do is be a calm, accepting presence, regardless of how he's responding to his loss.
Chapter Six
Let There Be Silence
The suffering loved one's thinking s-l-o-w-s down, as emotions race and halt, only to gallop painfully again.
There's a tendency to want to fill in the gaps of conversation. Remind yourself, as you face your own discomfort in long periods of silence, that just being there is helping!
You need to make room for the other person. You do not need to fill in the infinitely long silence.
Let there be silence.
If you ask a question, count silently to twenty, a slow count, before speaking again. It's really okay to sit for long periods of time and not talk at all. Be a loving, quiet presence.
A young man told me the story of his older brother's ultimate sacrifice while serving in the military. He said it was horrible for him, but the hardest was seeing how his father took the news. He'd never seen his dad cry until that day.
He remembers what helped them all the most. A friend came over (unannounced) and just sat with them. He couldn't recall his neighbor saying a word past the preliminary greeting and empathetic opening remarks. He just sat with him and his parents and listened, nodding his head from time to time, his face awash with compassion. Nothing touched them as deeply as the day their neighbor made a quiet visit and stayed all day.
Let there be silence.
You may not think you are doing anything, but that's untrue.
Going back to the previous pages ... remember to follow her lead. If she has given any indication she wants to be alone, for example, the best move would be to leave—of course. But my experience is that it is comforting to have a person present when going through those moments of despair.
Silence should be expected, accepted, and honored.
Let there be silence.
CH7[ Be Fully Present
Do you remember the last time you felt as if the person with you was fully, 100 percent present—as if you were the only one in the world besides him? That he had no other cares or concerns but you? That he was locked into every word you said? How did that feel?
You do not have to be grieving to realize how rare, powerful, and precious that experience is.
Technology, multiple responsibilities, and our own issues distract us. It is hard work and takes concentration and purpose to be fully present with someone.
As I prepared myself to be with someone on a grief journey—as a therapist or later in life as a victim advocate—I first visualized myself carrying a suitcase. Inside that suitcase were all my worries, chores, and other people in my life. Just before entering the home or hospital, I saw myself setting the suitcase outside. It would be waiting safely for me when I left. I turned my phone off and took a deep, cleansing breath.
When you are with a grieving individual, concentrate on every word she says. Don't allow interruptions, including from yourself, and be there, fully present.
What a present it is to be fully present. ]CH7
CH8[ Be an Active Listener
What does this mean?
It combines allowing silence, being fully present, and much, much more.
Tips for Active Listening:
• Face the person squarely.
• Keep an open posture—arms uncrossed.
• Maintain comfortable eye contact about 70 percent of the time, not staring but not avoiding eye contact either.
• Lean forward while sitting.
• Summarize or paraphrase what you heard, in order to let her know you are really listening and to give her a chance to clarify, in case you "got it wrong." Paraphrasing also encourages her to elaborate on what she said. This is in the form of a statement. It can even be a form of parroting, maybe just a word or a sentence.
• Clarification is a form of active listening and is done in the form of a question. This question starts with "Do you mean that ..." or "Are you saying that ..." It's really you translating what the grieving person is saying.
• Reflect the feelings you heard or saw expressed and be sure you allow her to correct you. The point is not being right; it's understanding.
• State the emotion(s) you are hearing expressed by what he is saying, verbally or nonverbally—for example, "You must be angry," or perhaps, "You seem shocked. This must be surreal for you." In this way, you are expressing a desire to understand what he is expressing, giving him a chance to either feel understood or elaborate (e.g., "No. I'm not angry. But I do feel agitated, like I need to do something to bring him back").
• Don't take ownership of the grief; listen to his grief.
• Ask open-ended questions when it seems appropriate (questions that cannot be answered with a one-word response).
• Be nonjudgmental in both your words and deeds.
• Avoid pretend or selective listening; active listening is attentive and empathetic listening.
• Mind your nonverbal manners. For example, avoid crossing your arms, looking around, or doodling.
• Don't interrupt when she is talking. ]CH8
CH9[ Make Phone Calls
As a child, I watched my mom use an old wringer washing machine. It was housed in an uninviting, cobweb-filled basement. I'd watch her feed each piece of clothing, one by one, through two hard black rubber rollers, wringing out as much water in the washed garments as possible before hanging them out to dry. When I heard the expression, "She's been through the wringer," I understood what that meant.
When my beloved died, I felt like that. For weeks, I'd been forced down into an ugly, cold basement and then churned about and squeezed through unyielding forces and feelings that left me dry. I felt exhausted and beaten ... like a rug my mom would beat against something to loosen excess dirt or dust. I was depleted ... completely depleted.
As my daughters and I formulated funeral plans, one of my daughters remarked, "We'll need to call everyone Dad knows to let them know what happened." (We could not refer to him in the past tense just yet.)
Silence ... and then all of us said weakly, "I can't do that."
Some people experience the beginning of being healed by making those phone calls to family, friends, and coworkers, but we knew it was beyond what we were capable of at the time. We asked a dear, trusted friend—Patty—to do that for us, once the funeral plans were completed. She could also share times and dates.
My daughter, Keely, only had to make one death notification phone call—to Patty. We faxed her a list of names and phone numbers we found under "Contacts" in my husband's computer.
Tips:
• Ask for help putting people in groups, and discuss who is the most reliable to help in sharing the news.
• Possible groups: relatives, golf buddies, coworkers, members of his bowling team, fellow church members, etc.
• Ask the designated person to ask each "leader" of each group to call the remaining members of that group.
• Tell her precisely what you want her to share.
• If you are the designated "caller," honor the family and deceased by sharing only what you were asked to share.
• Be prepared to "choke up" with emotion. That's normal. ]CH9
CH10[ Intercept Phone Calls
My son-in-law, Bob, offered to answer the incessant ringing of the telephone. Bless his heart.
Once word got out that someone dearly loved has died, people want to talk to the family—mostly out of genuine concern. They want to share their love and perhaps get help understanding what happened.
After Patty began her loving quest to let everyone know of Russ's passing and the plans to honor him, the phone began to ring. It was a sign of how much people cared. But we were not ready to talk yet. We were entrenched in the process of planning his farewell "life celebration" and our own grief. While appreciative of the phone calls, we were so-o-o appreciative to have Bob there to take the calls. People left messages for us that warmed our hearts. But it was one time when one-way conversations were the most blessed, the most helpful.
(Continues...) 0
Excerpted from 107 WAYS TO HELP OTHERS by Luann Lee Brown Copyright © 2012 by Luann Lee Brown. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Contents
Acknowledgments....................xiIntroduction....................1
1. Do Something....................2
2. Give a Journal, Pen, and Tissues....................4
3. Give Water or Green Tea....................6
4. Ask, "What Is Your Most Pressing Need Right Now?"....................8
5. Remind Him There Is No "Right" Way to Grieve....................10
6. Let There Be Silence....................12
7. Be Fully Present....................14
8. Be an Active Listener....................16
9. Make Phone Calls....................18
10. Intercept Phone Calls....................20
11. Provide Transportation to and from the Airport....................22
12. Remember, Timing Is Crucial....................24
13. Catalogue Gifts....................26
14. Show Up....................28
15. Don't Make Comparisons....................30
16. Let the Bereaved Lead the Way....................32
17. Pitch the Platitudes....................34
18. Give a Card Immediately....................36
19. Give a Card Later....................38
20. Find Out All Significant Dates....................40
21. Leave Contact Information in Cards....................42
22. Give a Restaurant Gift Card....................44
23. Reasons Why Telling the Bereaved to Ask for Help Is Not a Good Idea....................46
24. Accept Almost All Behavior....................48
25. No Rules Except about Self-harm....................50
26. Do Only What's Necessary....................52
27. Avoid Making Assumptions....................54
28. Night People, Announce!....................56
29. Touch....................58
30. Gently Suggest She Do Positive Things for Herself Every Day....................60
31. Encourage Him to Pick One "Have-to" Each Day....................62
32. Recommend Keeping a "Gratitude List"....................64
33. Keep the Stress Down; Don't Add to It!....................66
34. No Stress-Building—Addendum to "Keep the Stress Down"....................68
35. Put an Obituary in the Person's Hometown Newspaper....................70
36. Offer to Go to the Mortuary with the Bereaved....................72
37. Help Honor What the Deceased Wanted....................74
38. Offer to Bring Refreshments to the Reception....................76
39. Use Your Leadership Resources!....................78
40. Bring Food....................80
41. Offer to Stay at the Home during the Wake and Funeral....................82
42. Give or Help Set Up Flowers....................84
43. Take and Distribute Flowers after the Services....................86
44. Remember, the Entire Family Is Grieving....................88
45. Be Creative in Your Giving....................90
46. Ask If You Can Pray with the Grieving Person....................92
47. Hug!....................94
48. Invite Her to Lunch....................96
49. Keep Judgments to Yourself....................98
50. Help with the Dogs....................100
51. Talk about the Person Who Died....................102
52. Go inside the Home upon Returning....................104
53. Send Unexpected Surprises, without a Name Attached....................106
54. Offer to Stay after Family Leaves....................108
55. Offer to Help with the Clothes of the Deceased....................110
56. Don't Leave Half the Closet Bare....................112
57. Get Permission before Washing Laundry....................114
58. Create a Quilt....................116
59. Offer to Write or Help Write Thank-You Notes....................118
60. Prepare a Personalized Healing CD....................120
61. Give a Personalized Calendar....................122
62. Create a Collage of the Deceased's Life....................124
63. Mind Your Nonverbal Communication....................126
64. Remind the Bereaved to Document Phone Calls....................128
65. Accompany the Bereaved to Businesses....................130
66. Help with Contacting the Necessary Professionals....................132
67. Join in Seeking Knowledge....................134
68. Help with Finances....................136
69. Throw a Fundraiser for the Family to Help with Funeral Expenses....................138
70. Discourage Making Big Decisions Right Away....................140
71. Give a Book....................142
72. Give a Gift Card for a Massage....................144
73. Bring Vitamins and Health Drinks....................146
74. Teach about Car Maintenance....................148
75. Don't Ask—Tell!....................150
76. Suggest Creative Tasks....................152
77. Share in the Creative Activity....................154
78. Suggest a Good Grief Counselor....................156
79. Find the Good and Talk about It!....................158
80. What to Say or Write....................160
81. Help Develop a Routine....................162
82. Discourage Rushing into Changes....................164
83. Have the Bereaved Create Positive Affirmation Cards to Tape throughout the House....................166
84. Make Positive Message Cards for Him....................168
85. Help Change the Living Space....................170
86. Create New Living Spaces....................172
87. Help through the Holidays....................174
88. Encourage Breathing....................176
89. Leave Your Phone Numbers by Phones....................178
90. Avoid Withdrawing Support....................180
91. Remember the Children (1)....................182
92. Remember the Children (2)....................184
93. Remember the Children (3)....................186
94. Remember the Children (4)....................188
95. Remember the Children (5)....................190
96. This Is Not the Time to Criticize....................192
97. Help Surviving Loved Ones of Suicide and Homicide (1)....................194
98. Help Surviving Loved Ones of Suicide and Homicide Victims (2)....................196
99. Encourage Surviving Loved Ones of a Suicide or Homicide Victim to Seek Help....................198
100. Plan a Makeover Day....................200
101. Include the Bereaved with Couples....................202
102. Take Suicidal Talk Seriously....................204
103. Avoid Offering Alcohol or Pills....................206
104. Observe a One-Year Anniversary Ritual....................208
105. Accompany the Bereaved to Church....................210
106. Encourage Volunteer Work....................212
107. Take Care of You!....................214
Back of Book....................217