Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity

The author of the groundbreaking New York Times bestsellers Girls & Sex and Cinderella Ate My Daughter now turns her focus to the sexual lives of young men, once again offering "both an examination of sexual culture and a guide on how to improve it" (Washington Post).

Peggy Orenstein’s Girls & Sex broke ground, shattered taboos, and launched conversations about young women’s right to pleasure and agency in sexual encounters. It also had an unexpected effect on its author: Orenstein realized that talking about girls is only half the conversation. Boys are subject to the same cultural forces as girls—steeped in the same distorted media images and binary stereotypes of female sexiness and toxic masculinity—which equally affect how they navigate sexual and emotional relationships. In Boys & Sex, Peggy Orenstein dives back into the lives of young people to once again give voice to the unspoken, revealing how young men understand and negotiate the new rules of physical and emotional intimacy.

Drawing on comprehensive interviews with young men, psychologists, academics, and experts in the field, Boys & Sex dissects so-called locker room talk; how the word "hilarious" robs boys of empathy; pornography as the new sex education; boys’ understanding of hookup culture and consent; and their experience as both victims and perpetrators of sexual violence. By surfacing young men’s experience in all its complexity, Orenstein is able to unravel the hidden truths, hard lessons, and important realities of young male sexuality in today’s world. The result is a provocative and paradigm-shifting work that offers a much-needed vision of how boys can truly move forward as better men.

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Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity

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Supplemental enhancement PDF accompanies the audiobook.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781094105345
Publisher:	HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:	01/07/2020
Edition description:	Unabridged
Product dimensions:	5.30(w) x 6.70(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Peggy Orenstein is the New York Times bestselling author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter, Waiting for Daisy, Flux, and Schoolgirls. A contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine, she has been published in USA Today, Parenting, Salon, the New Yorker, and other publications, and has contributed commentary to NPR’s All Things Considered. She lives in Northern California with her husband and daughter.

Introduction What About the Boys? 1

Chapter 1 Welcome to Dick School 7

Chapter 2 If It Exists, There Is Porn of It 39

Chapter 3 Are You Experienced? Life and Love in a Hookup Culture 73

Chapter 4 Get Used to If: Gay, Trans, and Queer Guys 105

Chapter 5 Heads You Lose, Tails I Win: Boys of Color in a White World 135

Chapter 6 I Know I'm a Good Guy, but … 165

Chapter 7 All Guys Want It. Don't They? 183

Chapter 8 A Better Man 197

Chapter 9 Deep Breath: Talking to Boys 219

Acknowledgments 239

Notes 241

Bibliographv 263

Index 281

From the B&N Reads Blog

Page 1 of

How Do I Talk to My Kids About Consent?

We are kicking off a new series to help parents muddle through the hard questions with their kids. So, we are kicking off a new series to help parents muddle through the hard questions with their kids. And, because April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, a great starting point is consent. Our list is a mix of nonfiction and fiction resources to read together and discuss.

★ 10/28/2019
Journalist Orenstein (Girls & Sex) talks with high school– and college-age boys and men about sex in this candid and fascinating portrait of young American masculinity. Conducting more than 100 interviews with males ages 16–22 throughout America, Orenstein shares a narrative of “toxic masculinity”—exemplified by emotional suppression, casual homophobia, and bragging about sexual conquests—and unveils a “historically unprecedented” availability—and habitual watching—of porn, with boys beginning to watch it as early as sixth grade. The damaging effects of this trend are reflected in misconceptions about women, and also result in boys who are unprepared for real-life relationships. Orenstein’s scope is wide, as she delves into the lives of gay and transgender boys and men and interviews young black men at predominantly white schools who stringently follow the rules of “consent,” wary of severe punishment for any hint of improper behavior. Among other conclusions, the author demands that parents “get over it” and talk openly with their kids about sex and intimacy. The #MeToo movement, she asserts, is not only a chance for girls to expose sexual misconduct, but also an opportunity to raise boys up to be compassionate, responsible men. Expertly written and sometimes disturbing, but always informative, Orenstein’s latest is a valuable reference for parents of teenage boys and young men. (Jan.)

Publishers Weekly

Essential." — People
“[Joins] Orenstein’s provocative 2016 hit Girls & Sex as another game changer…. Candor, empathy and easy humor … animate her reporting.” — San Francisco Chronicle
“A brisk, bracing read, Boys & Sex is essential for any parent who wants their son to avoid the traps of what’s become known as “toxic masculinity,” to discover his true sexual orientation and desires without trauma, and to have not just safe, legal sex but really great sex. The whip-smart Orenstein … makes a convincing case for why parents who were aware of her work with girls and used to say they were relieved to have sons now “realized that their job may actually be harder: they had to raise good men,” as she writes.” — Men’s Health
“Eye-opening…. Every few pages, the boy world cracks open a little bit…. Even in the most anxiety-provoking moments of Boys & Sex, it’s clear that Orenstein believes in the goodness of boys and the men they can become, and she believes in us, as parents, to raise them. As for how? There’s a great, galvanizing chapter at the end.” — New York Times Book Review
“[Orenstein] trains her expert eye on the world of adolescent boys, and the unique set of challenges that young men are facing today. Boys & Sex is not just a candid and often devastating view into the lives of real high school and college boys right now; it's an affirmation of hope, and an exercise in the power of listening.” — Salon
“A sobering look at the landscape in which young men are growing up — and an invitation for the grown-ups in their lives to offer a lot more support and direction.” — Chicago Tribune
“Expertly written.... [A] candid and fascinating portrait of young American masculinity.” — Publishers Weekly, starred review
“Essential reading.” — PureWow
“Peggy Orenstein has done something rare. She has listened to young men in ways that have allowed them to speak candidly about the fraught world of their sexuality, and she has been true to the complexities of their experiences — their hopes but also the fears, shame, pressures and angers that cause them to violate others and corrode their capacity for care and love. What they say is scary and heartbreaking and vitally important for us all to hear. This is a bracing, insightful, humane, engaging, invaluable book. And it charts the course for real change.” — Richard Weissbourd, Senior Lecturer and Faculty Director of Making Caring Common, Harvard Graduate School of Education
“Masculinity doesn’t have to be toxic—but so much of what we communicate to boys about masculinity is just that. The amazing Peggy Orenstein does more than just document the atrocities. She listens to boys and bears witness to their efforts to free themselves from trap the culture sets for them. Boys & Sex is required reading for anyone who has ever loved, raised, been, or will become a boy.” — Dan Savage, bestselling author and host of Savage Podcast
“As a psychotherapist who's raising a boy, I can't think of a more important book for our times. Eye-opening and nuanced, this compassionate exploration of boys' sexual lives gives voice to their deepest struggles and should be mandatory reading for anyone who cares about the next generation—which is to say, all of us.” — Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
“Peggy Orenstein dared to do what so many of us are afraid of: actually ask boys about sex and then listen to what they had to say. She has given boys the opportunity to speak honestly about their feelings around sexuality, pornography, gender, consent and so much more. Their answers are illuminating, often times surprising—and essential.” — Nick Kroll, co-creator, writer, and star of Big Mouth
Forget what you thought you knew about boys and sex. Here, at last, is an honest book about the sexual lives of boys and young men; the good, the bad, the endlessly complicated and emotionally fraught. Peggy Orenstein has peeled back typical male bravado and exposed the raw hearts of boys struggling to navigate a confusing sexual landscape. Boys & Sex is a crucial contribution to the long overdue conversation about masculinity.” — Michael Ian Black, author, comedian, and actor

From the Publisher

Essential reading.”

PureWow

A sobering look at the landscape in which young men are growing up — and an invitation for the grown-ups in their lives to offer a lot more support and direction.”

Chicago Tribune

Eye-opening…. Every few pages, the boy world cracks open a little bit…. Even in the most anxiety-provoking moments of Boys & Sex, it’s clear that Orenstein believes in the goodness of boys and the men they can become, and she believes in us, as parents, to raise them. As for how? There’s a great, galvanizing chapter at the end.

New York Times Book Review

Peggy Orenstein has done something rare. She has listened to young men in ways that have allowed them to speak candidly about the fraught world of their sexuality, and she has been true to the complexities of their experiences — their hopes but also the fears, shame, pressures and angers that cause them to violate others and corrode their capacity for care and love. What they say is scary and heartbreaking and vitally important for us all to hear. This is a bracing, insightful, humane, engaging, invaluable book. And it charts the course for real change.”

Richard Weissbourd

Masculinity doesn’t have to be toxic—but so much of what we communicate to boys about masculinity is just that. The amazing Peggy Orenstein does more than just document the atrocities. She listens to boys and bears witness to their efforts to free themselves from trap the culture sets for them. Boys & Sex is required reading for anyone who has ever loved, raised, been, or will become a boy.

Dan Savage

A brisk, bracing read, Boys & Sex is essential for any parent who wants their son to avoid the traps of what’s become known as “toxic masculinity,” to discover his true sexual orientation and desires without trauma, and to have not just safe, legal sex but really great sex. The whip-smart Orenstein … makes a convincing case for why parents who were aware of her work with girls and used to say they were relieved to have sons now “realized that their job may actually be harder: they had to raise good men,” as she writes.”

Men’s Health

Essential."

People

[Joins] Orenstein’s provocative 2016 hit Girls & Sex as another game changer…. Candor, empathy and easy humor … animate her reporting.

San Francisco Chronicle

[Orenstein] trains her expert eye on the world of adolescent boys, and the unique set of challenges that young men are facing today. Boys & Sex is not just a candid and often devastating view into the lives of real high school and college boys right now; it's an affirmation of hope, and an exercise in the power of listening.”

Salon

[Joins] Orenstein’s provocative 2016 hit Girls & Sex as another game changer…. Candor, empathy and easy humor … animate her reporting.

San Francisco Chronicle

A sobering look at the landscape in which young men are growing up — and an invitation for the grown-ups in their lives to offer a lot more support and direction.”

Chicago Tribune

Forget what you thought you knew about boys and sex. Here, at last, is an honest book about the sexual lives of boys and young men; the good, the bad, the endlessly complicated and emotionally fraught. Peggy Orenstein has peeled back typical male bravado and exposed the raw hearts of boys struggling to navigate a confusing sexual landscape. Boys & Sex is a crucial contribution to the long overdue conversation about masculinity.

Michael Ian Black

As a psychotherapist who's raising a boy, I can't think of a more important book for our times. Eye-opening and nuanced, this compassionate exploration of boys' sexual lives gives voice to their deepest struggles and should be mandatory reading for anyone who cares about the next generation—which is to say, all of us.

Lori Gottlieb

Peggy Orenstein dared to do what so many of us are afraid of: actually ask boys about sex and then listen to what they had to say. She has given boys the opportunity to speak honestly about their feelings around sexuality, pornography, gender, consent and so much more. Their answers are illuminating, often times surprising—and essential.

Nick Kroll

A brisk, bracing read, Boys & Sex is essential for any parent who wants their son to avoid the traps of what’s become known as “toxic masculinity,” to discover his true sexual orientation and desires without trauma, and to have not just safe, legal sex but really great sex. The whip-smart Orenstein … makes a convincing case for why parents who were aware of her work with girls and used to say they were relieved to have sons now “realized that their job may actually be harder: they had to raise good men,” as she writes.”

Brad Wieners

[Orenstein] trains her expert eye on the world of adolescent boys, and the unique set of challenges that young men are facing today. Boys & Sex is not just a candid and often devastating view into the lives of real high school and college boys right now; it's an affirmation of hope, and an exercise in the power of listening.”

Mary Elizabeth Williams

A sobering look at the landscape in which young men are growing up — and an invitation for the grown-ups in their lives to offer a lot more support and direction.”

Heidi Stevens

[Joins] Orenstein’s provocative 2016 hit Girls & Sex as another game changer…. Candor, empathy and easy humor … animate her reporting.

Jessica Zack

01/24/2020
With Girls and Sex, Orenstein presented a powerful glimpse into the lives of teenage girls, with an adept mix of personal connection, theoretical acumen, and action-based advice. This new work begins with a similar promise: By interviewing young men and collecting data for two years, Orenstein developed insights into her subjects' ideas of masculinity and how society can steer young men away from misogynistic patterns. Orenstein ably unpacks how boys are impacted when men in positions of authority allow for microaggressions and misconduct to persist. Throughout her research, the author built trusting relationships with interviewees of varied racial, ethnic, gender, and sexual identities. However, white, upper-middle-class men receive much of the attention, and issues of socioeconomic class are not touched on. Orenstein concludes with a call to action that requires first, redefining masculinity and second, individualized strategies for talking early and often to boys about sexuality, envisioning a new paradigm that seems impossibly out of reach yet also aspirational owing to many moving exchanges with her subjects.
VERDICT A thought-provoking read for all interested in gender studies.—Emily Bowles, Univ. of Wisconsin, Madison

Library Journal

Author and narrator Peggy Orenstein is no stranger to conversations about sex. Here she casts a comprehensive look at how young men navigate intimacy. Her conversational pace and tonal shifts lend themselves well to an audiobook that features several interviews as it engages listeners with a deeper understanding of how boys think and behave. Orenstein includes perspectives from a variety of men, both cisgender and transgender, white and people of color, revealing just how much boys want to talk about their feelings and experiences despite their parents and role models frequently avoiding such conversations. This is an excellent audio choice, especially for caregivers who want to improve their conversations about sex with boys and gain a deeper understanding of what perpetuates toxic masculinity. A.K.R. © AudioFile 2020, Portland, Maine

FEBRUARY 2020 - AudioFile

Author and narrator Peggy Orenstein is no stranger to conversations about sex. Here she casts a comprehensive look at how young men navigate intimacy. Her conversational pace and tonal shifts lend themselves well to an audiobook that features several interviews as it engages listeners with a deeper understanding of how boys think and behave. Orenstein includes perspectives from a variety of men, both cisgender and transgender, white and people of color, revealing just how much boys want to talk about their feelings and experiences despite their parents and role models frequently avoiding such conversations. This is an excellent audio choice, especially for caregivers who want to improve their conversations about sex with boys and gain a deeper understanding of what perpetuates toxic masculinity. A.K.R. © AudioFile 2020, Portland, Maine

FEBRUARY 2020 - AudioFile

★ 2019-10-23
Candid information on what boys really think and do when it comes to sex.
After spending more than two decades examining the lives of girls, Orenstein (Girls & Sex, 2016, etc.) realized that "if I truly wanted to help promote safer, more enjoyable, more egalitarian, more humane sexual relationships among young people, I needed to go back into their world and have the other half of the conversation." Boys and parents of boys will thank the author for her work as she shares the complex sexual world she discovered via interviews with more than 100 young men, psychologists, and other experts. She exposes the trashy locker-room talk prevalent in athletic circles and how it is difficult for boys to speak up against such behavior for fear of losing their own place in the male world. She gives graphic, sometimes unsettling descriptions of boys and their consumption of pornography, which many use as their only source of information on what a sexual relationship should entail. Orenstein also shares numerous stories about boys realizing their inappropriate behavior with girls, and she chronicles how, even while they feel shame and regret, they may still avoid self-criticism in order to fit in with their peers. The author is inclusive in her study, portraying the experiences of a wide variety of boys, including people of color and gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals. Orenstein effectively covers the issue of consent and includes stories of men who have been aggressively forced into sex by girls, and she also shows how girls can damage a boy's reputation by sharing specific details of an unsuccessful sexual encounter. Ultimately, the author's research opens up a welcome forum for exploring "a hunger for more guidance about growing up, hooking up, and finding love in a new era."
A highly constructive analysis that provides many topics for exploration and discussion by parents and others who interact with boys.

Kirkus Reviews

Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity

Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity

Audio MP3 on CD(MP3 on CD - Unabridged)

Audio MP3 on CD(MP3 on CD - Unabridged)

Related collections and offers

Overview

Product Details

About the Author

Table of Contents

Customer Reviews

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Overview

Product Details

About the Author

Table of Contents

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Customer Reviews