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FREE to Be Sexually Safe

iUniverse, Inc.

Chapter One

Enjoying the freedom to be our authentic selves is the most fulfilling way to live each minute of every day. This requires just being. There is a peace and an equilibrium that allows energy to flow when everything feels and is right. We are sexual beings from birth to death. We are born male and female. Sexual energy, health, and vitality are important parts of the equilibrium of being balanced and whole. Many people limit the word sex and the meaning of sex to sexual interactions and mainly to penetrative sexual intercourse. While this activity brings temporary ecstasy, this is only one part of being sexual beings. Touching and stimulating the body, especially the genitals, is an activity that feels good at all ages. We are all born with these body parts and feelings. This means the sensation, pleasure, and functions they give are not only enjoyable, but also essential for life. What a joy.

The challenge for each person, especially for parents, is talking about how to enjoy these body parts and experiences while being sexually safe. Some people may say life would be simpler if there was no sex. This would also mean a life without sexual ecstasy—how bland. This tells us something about the creator. He not only wants us to be happy and joyful, but also to be ecstatic.

The challenge lies in how each person uses these sensations and pleasures so that he or she is not manipulated and abused. How can sexual experiences at all ages be pleasurable and not painful? This answer, of course, has a lot to do with cultures, religions, and social norms that develop neurological associations about sex and sexuality. Sexual actions involve the entire body—the brain, emotions, and hormones as well as the sexual organs. Most cultures seek to protect children and sometimes adolescents from inappropriate, premature sexual experiences. It seems without exception that cultures everywhere have adults who are ready to prey on the young, inexperienced, poor, and vulnerable for their personal, selfish sexual gratification while disregarding the pain and emotional consequences this has on these blossoming souls.

The interpretation of the meaning of sex depends on what we are taught by parents, peers, society, and social norms as well as personal beliefs and experiences.

Parents have a crucial role to play in cultivating healthy beliefs and sharing knowledge and skills that will keep their children sexually safe at all ages. Parents' knowledge and attitudes about sex and sexuality depend on what they learned and experienced in their childhoods and as they matured. Unfortunately, many parents pass on information that creates contradiction, misinformation, shame, and taboos about sex and sexuality. There are people who grow up thinking that sex is bad or dirty. I recall one woman in her sixties who, when referring to a group of young people she had not seen since they were children, said, "They are now at the stage where they are doing the nasties," referring to sexual activity. Parents who grow up thinking that sex and sexuality should not be spoken about experience anxiety if they have conversations on these issues with other adults. Their children often do not break this cycle but continue to pass on what they were taught.

I am confident that most parents want the best for their children in every aspect of their lives, including their sexual health. I would encourage parents and other adults who interact with children constantly, such as teachers, youth leaders, and those in the religious institutions, to think of strategies that will keep everyone sexually safe from birth to death. The age of pretending that sex does not exist and the belief that the exposure of children to related information will make them promiscuous or prematurely sexually active is gone. The facts are there to prove this. What parents do not teach their children, peers or other people will. Even if children are isolated and home schooled, they will figure it out. Just by touching parts of the body, they will learn that touching the genitals feels different when compared to touching the face. Teaching children that the feelings from touching their genitals is bad or dirty creates contradictions and, later, mistrust toward the bearer of the information. This is because what they experience is not in alignment with what they hear.

It is very important that correct information is given in a comfortable environment and an attitude is cultivated so children feel safe asking questions and sharing concerns and experiences. This way, parents and children can create the context for appropriate sexual expressions and activities in an environment that will lead to sexually safety and fulfilling experiences. As children sift and sort through the information and experiences they have, they will decide if their parents or the responsible adult in their lives can be trusted to give information they need.

• Will the child be listened to or judged?

• Will the child only be told what not to do or how to make decisions that will keep him or her safe?

• Will the adult try to instill fear in the child?

• Will the adult identify sex as a topic never to be discussed with parents?

Most of us, as adults, are left to navigate through our sexual experiences by trial and error, as many parents are not comfortable or equipped to nurture their children in being sexually safe and fulfilled. Parents ensure that their children are equipped to be the best they can be in getting a good education, getting the best job, having financial security, and having other things that will make them successful in providing for themselves and their families. It is my opinion that enough time and focus is not spent on developing the skills that promote good relationships, intimacy, and love. Having passionate intimate relationships is just as important as (if not more important than) having just sexual relationships. We all know of people who have everything money can buy but are not happy and fulfilled. One of the main reasons is that they do not have passionate, intimate relationships with the ones they love and trust. Just having sex does not provide this level of fulfillment, and neither does having everything money can buy.

It is great to have family and friends who love and support us unconditionally. This, however, is not the same level of fulfillment as having a mutually intimate relationship with someone. This type of relationship takes commitment, work, and focus similar to a career. The messages that are learnt and experienced in the formative years about sex and relationships prepare us for the type of intimacy we want, expect, and share. Sexual safety and trust are key elements in the realization of intimate relationships. People who are trying to avoid pain and disappointment sometimes substitute human interaction and intimacy with sex toys and other inanimate objects. This does provide pleasure but is certainly not the same fulfillment that is experienced with another human being.

The practical steps for being sexually safe, as promoted by public-health officials worldwide since the discovery of the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) and acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) are to Abstain from sex, Be in a mutually faithful intimate relationship, or use a BLDBLDondom (ABC). Sixty percent of all new HIV infections in developing countries occur among ten-to twenty-four-year olds. HIV is helping in pushing the dialogue about sex into public discussion, and some progress has been made. Schools are now including the prevention of sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy in their curriculum in a way that helps students sharpen their decision-making skills in this area. There is, however, still much resistance in this area, as some parents and community organizations, such as the church, are still debating and trying to decide where they stand on the issue. Much of the information is generic, and many students may not relate to the information as something that applies to them. Therefore, they see no need to plan for the promotion of their sexual health. The proof of this is seen in the prevalence of sexually transmitted infections (in teens and adults) and teen pregnancies. In the US, 750,000 females ages fifteen to nineteen became pregnant in 2010. The majority of these pregnancies are unplanned. It is reported that fifteen million adolescents around the world give birth each year, accounting for one-fifth of all births.

Everyone who is sexually active is responsible for keeping himself or herself free from sexually transmitted infections. This responsibility is shared by a person's intimate partner(s). This is not the responsibility of one person and should not be the decision of one person. Many people with sexually transmitted infections do not know they are infected, as symptoms are not always present. Partner notification and contact tracing of people with sexually transmitted infections is a challenge for many countries, especially where there are mobile populations and most importantly when adults agree to have risky sexual encounters by not using condoms in multiple and casual sexual relationships. This means that blaming the transmission of a sexually transmitted infection on a sexual partner is redundant unless it can be proven that the person knew that he or she had sexually transmitted infections and omitted the information while taking part in sex without a condom. This shared responsibility for sexual safety is taken away and does not apply to rape cases and victims of sexual exploitation as there is no mutual consent to sex.

Many adults are not honest about their sexual history and sexual risks. They may decide they do not want to take action to keep themselves safe because of a poor sense of self-worth, economic dependence, taking their marital vows seriously while their partners do not, or poverty. It comes down to the pleasure-pain principle. Adults will generally choose the least painful solution (in their minds) to justify and rationalize the reasons for not taking action to keep themselves sexually safe.

In the Caribbean, it is common for men and women to choose not to use condoms with their regular sexual partners, as condom use is an admission of infidelity, but will sometimes use condoms with their casual or extramarital partners. Many wives will not discuss sexual safety with their husbands when they know of extramarital affairs even when they are professionals and can financially look after themselves (and vice versa).

Why is this? What is it that makes women feel that it is okay for their men to disrespect them and put them at risk for sexually transmitted infections and emotional trauma? Why do women not even want to talk about it? Men usually tolerate these situations less and often take action immediately. These relationships are never happy, fulfilling, or passionate relationships. So why choose to remain in such a relationship? It is obvious something dies inside a person when he or she is in this type of relationship. Why marry when it's clear one has no intention of being faithful?

One possible answer is that infidelity is so common that it is very difficult to find a faithful partner. How does this affect the types of familial examples that now serve as role models for the next generation? What is the long-term effect of this on the fabric of society and human relationships? If there is no honesty or trust, even in the most-intimate relationships, how does this build a community and culture of integrity that is good for the home, for business, and for economic prosperity?

It may come back to the examples and lessons that adults pass on to their children. The spoken words and the actions need to be in alignment to cultivate families and communities that exhibit love, respect, and integrity. This will lead to growth in every aspect of life, including personal safety and health. Children experience the pain of parents who are in bad relationships, and this later affects the quality of their intimate relationships.

Cultural Practices and Sexual Safety

Some practices that contribute to unsafe sexual practices for women, girls and (increasingly) boys happen within the context of cultural norms, many of which are sanctioned by adults and the state. There are many examples. In African and Asian countries, there are child brides who are legally married. In Cambodia, fathers build love huts for their daughters. Girls are subject to genital mutilation; in sub-Saharan Africa, an estimated 98 percent of girls experience this trauma. In some societies, social pressures and norms about boys' sexual initiation include contact with prostitutes. One of the key drivers for these activities is often poverty.

Chapter Two

Becoming a Woman

The topic of sex was not discussed openly in my home when I was growing up. My mother must have been preparing for the event. As I was just about to turn twelve, she gave me a copy of On Becoming a Woman by Harold Shrike. We lived in a plantation-style home, and it was there, early one evening, that she gave the book to me as we stood on the back veranda just outside her bedroom. "Read this, and don't talk to boys," she said, handing the book to me.

"Why?" I asked, as I was quite puzzled. I had friends I grew up with who were boys, most of my cousins were boys, and I was accustomed to playing with my friends and cousins, whether they were boys or girls. I often preferred the company of boys. They were more adventurous and less squeamish about having outdoor adventures and exploring. I grew up in a rural area with lush vegetation and many animals around, even though I did not live on a farm. Everyone grew trees and vegetables and had animals. She replied, "Just do as you are told, and you will not get pregnant."

We had recently learned about menstruation at school, so I had some facts on the subject and how pregnancy occurred. I went to a coed Catholic preparatory school, and the nuns arranged for a sanitary-products distributor to visit our class. The instructor gave a presentation on menstruation and gave all the girls samples of pads and tampons. I was not only prepared to start my period, I also was excited—I was becoming a woman. So, naturally, I replied to my mother, "But you can't get pregnant just by talking to a boy."

To this, she replied, "You argue for everything, just do as you're told." I dropped the conversation, as my parents were always right, and I was expected to do as I was told. To her credit, she made sure I had the information. I read the book from cover to cover and kept it until I got married. I shared the book with my friends, some of whom only had the information they were given at school, as their parents had no dialogue with them.

My mother also gave a copy of On Becoming a Man, by the same author, to my brother, who was two years my junior. He wanted to know what was in my book, and I was curious to know what was in his, so we read both books.

I have been told stories of girls who started their periods, did not know what was happening to them, and consequently thought they were dying. Others related that they knew what was happening, and because their parents never had a discussion with them about sex or menstruation, they did not inform their parents of the onset of menarche until it was discovered.

Where Do Babies Come From?

My mother told me babies came in the doctor's bag. My second brother was born at home. My first brother and I were put in the sitting room under adult supervision; the adult may have been the neighbor. We were told not to go into our parents' room. We heard all kinds of noises. When we asked what was wrong with Mommy, Daddy said, "She will be all right; she is having a baby."

Eventually, we heard a baby crying. After the doctor left, we were allowed to go in and see our new baby brother. Naturally, I asked my mother, "Where did the baby come from?"

She said, "The doctor brought him in his bag."

I did not believe her. I looked at the baby and said, "He was too big to fit in the doctor's bag, and besides, he would have been crying if he was locked up in the bag."

To this, my mother replied, "The stork brought the baby, and the doctor brought the baby to me." I was confused by this time and thought, What is a stork?

Genital Aliases

Saying the word sex or naming the genitals was definitely a no-no. It was safer to use colloquial names, usually with much giggling and mostly among our peers. Some of the substitute names I recalled for the vagina were fishy, tuntun, pumpum, chocho, tuney, punaney, and Miss Mary. Pussy and other words were used but were considered vulgar and not often used by children. For the penis, the substitute names were wood, iron, tally, toolus, buddy, family jewels, willy, weeny, and seed. I am sure there are others that I have forgotten. Each culture has its own nickname for the male and female genitals. Can you recall the genital aliases you used or know?

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from FREE to Be Sexually Safe by Anjella E. Skerritt Copyright © 2012 by Anjella E. Skerritt. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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