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Weddings of the Times

A Parody

St. Martin's Press

Catherine Doyle, Alfred Park

Catherine Doyle married Alfred Park on Sunday evening at the Woodfield Country Club in Boca Raton.

The bride, 26, graduated magna cum laude from Georgetown. The groom, 34, graduated summa cum laude from Brown. The bride's father, Eugene Doyle, graduated egregia cum laude from the University of Washington and his mother, Kate Doyle, graduated double platinum cum laude from Wayne State.

Her grandfather graduated the harder they cum laude from Texas A&M. Her uncle graduated cumma cumma cumma cumma cumma chameleon laude from the University of Colorado.

The bride's brother, Lewis Doyle, graduated pre-cum laude from the University of Stockholm.

The groom's father, Bruce, graduated cumfortably numb laude from Cal State Fullerton. The best man graduated cumpire strikes back laude from the College of Outer Space. The best man's grandfather graduated viagra cum laude from Hofstra.

Amanda Parker, Terry Marks

Amanda Parker and Terry Marks were married Sunday at the Three Rivers Shopping Center in Pittsburgh, Pa. Thomas Vowell performed the ceremony.

Ms. Parker, 24, is a former patent secretary for the law firm of Derrick & Coughlon. She is now a zombie, an undead person who got that way from being bitten by another zombie.

She is the daughter of Lucia and Sanford Parker of Latrobe, Pa. Her father is a lawyer in Latrobe specializing in land use and mineral rights. Her mother is retired as the editor of Country Farm House magazine.

The groom, 33, is a former art professor at New York University. He is also a zombie.

He is the son of Barbara and Abraham Marks of Palm Springs, Ca. His father is retired as a biochemist with ClorGen; his mother is a volunteer docent at the Pane Museum of Fine Art in Palm Desert, Ca.

Neither the bride nor the groom can be killed unless their head is destroyed.

Caroline Hanson, Dean Van Wyck

Caroline Hanson was married to Dean Van Wyck on Saturday at the Peach Tree farm in Scarsdale, NY.

The bride, 33, wore a strapless white Vera Wang wedding gown.

The bridegroom, 38, wore tight-fitting purple breeches, a white silk shirt, a fox-fur mantle, and a livery collar from which was suspended a diamond the size of a walnut. His wide-sleeved doublet gave emphasis to his upper body, which was accentuated with shoulder pads. Mr. Van Wyck's padded codpiece was stuffed with jewels and weapons; he carried a staff made of silver and bedecked with topaz.

"There was obviously some of kind of miscommunication," said the bride.

Caroline Allerton, Gregory Winslow

Caroline Allerton and Gregory Winslow were married on Sunday at Calgary Church in Manhattan. The Reverend Scott Tilley performed the ceremony.

Mr. Winslow, 28, met Ms. Allerton, 26, while attending Harvard University, where both graduated summa cum laude.

Ms. Allerton is a Daughter of the American Revolution, as is Mr. Winslow's mother. The bride's father is a Son of the American Revolution.

The American Revolution is also the groom's uncle.

"The American Revolution used to come 'round," said the bride's mother, "He had the stereo, he had the flashy clothes, he had the nice van. A lot of ladies used to party with the American Revolution, OK?"

Brittany Dowling, Glen Dorio

Glen Dorio, a scuba diving instructor, and Brittany Dowling, a professional photographer, held an underwater wedding ceremony in a shark cage near the Dyer islands off the coast of South Africa.

The bride and groom are survived by their parents, Joan and Arlen Dorio, and Briana and Delray Dowling.

Penelope and Odysseus

STATE OF THE UNION

20 Years Later

When Odysseus, King of Ithaca, was first married to his bride Penelope (see "Vows," 759 B.C.), he built her a special bed. "One of the legs of it was made out of an olive tree," he said. "I don't know. I just thought it was different."

But the couple's marital bliss was short-lived. The warrior went off to battle, for 10 years, and then spent another 10 years trying to get back home.

"Many shitty things happened," he said, sipping some mead on his sun deck. "I don't want to get started. Cyclops? Yes. Happened. Lotus eaters? 100% true. My guys ate the Cattle of Helios. Then I had some health problems. Lost my house, went to Hades, got into Tai Chi, got involved with a nympho, got clean, did some time ..."

Odysseus's wife wondered if she'd ever see the Trojan War hero again.

And then there were the suitors.

"There were many," she affirmed. "I pretended to weave a burial sleeping bag for O.'s dad, Laertes, and I told the suitors I'd choose one of them when I finished."

"But every night she'd unweave the sleeping bag," chimed in the old campaigner.

Eventually Odysseus did return home, disguising himself as a junkie and slaying the suitors with a bow and arrow, with help from his son, Telemachus.

"We killed a lot of people," he laughed.

But Penelope was not so sure it was really her husband who'd come back. "I tested him by asking my servant to move the bed," she remembered.

"But I told her he couldn't," Odysseus added. "Because I built that bed. It was a tree bed! Ha ha! I'm a genius. Born and bred. No one but a genius would have known how to make that bed and fake people out and all the other stuff I did on my journey."

Penelope added, "I did have moments of crisis while he was gone. At one point I asked Artemis to kill me — But then I also maybe wanted to marry one of the suitors?"

"Which one?" asked Odysseus.

"Demoptolemus," blushed Penelope. "The singer-songwriter."

"Yeah, he was a nice-looking kid," reminisced the bridegroom. "I kind of wish I hadn't slain him."

The battle-weary hero paused and looked at his wife. "Slayed?" he said. "Is it slayed or slain?"

Regina Harrison, Jimmy Holgren

Regina Harrison and Jimmy Holgren were married Sunday at the Zen Buddhist Peace Center in Carmel, Calif. The ceremony was performed by Buddhist Monk Budiman Prang.

The bride, 26, is studying to be a massage therapist.

The bridegroom, 27, is a yoga instructor and peace activist.

The day of the wedding was selected by an astrologer based on its auspiciousness. Before the ceremony, the assembled monks chanted. The guests then said the Vandana, Tisarana, and Pancasila readings, after which the couple lit incense sticks and candles around a Buddha statue. Vows and rings were exchanged using the Sigilovdda Sutta as a guide.

Immediately following the ceremony, the D.J. played "A Whole New World" from the Aladdin soundtrack and pretty much blasted everyone back to fucking reality again.

Emily Harcutt, Michael Cosley

Emily Harcutt and Michael Cosley are to be married on Friday at Chesapeake Grove, S.C. Father Walter Bramley will officiate.

The couple, both bumper sticker writers, met in San Diego, Ca. at BumperCon 2005, the largest annual gathering of bumper sticker fans, authors, and collectors. Ms. Harcutt, 28, first noticed Mr. Cosley, 43, at the keynote address given by industry visionary Ronald Wilcox, renowned scribe of the bumper stickers "I'm not as think as you stoned I am" and "God is coming and BOY is she pissed."

Ms. Harcutt and Mr. Cosley later formed a business together, scoring big hits with such stickers as "Yes, this is my truck, and no I won't help you move!" and "Free Mumia!* (*with purchase of cheeseburger and large drink)." Their firm, BumperSchnitzel, also won BSIA Awards for their stickers "My other child is an honor student" and "Keep honking: I'm loaded and I have a blowgun."

Julie Cashman, Hiroji Kamata

Deep cultural differences have not kept Hiroji Kamata and Julie Cashman apart. The two will be married on Sunday at the Asian Art Museum in Los Angeles.

Ms. Cashman, 28, is from Connecticut and can trace her roots to the Pilgrims on the Mayflower.

Mr. Kamata, 31, traces his family origins to a small island north of Okinawa that practices a different form of Bushido, the traditional code that guides the life of a warrior.

"On our island," says Mr. Kamata, "a father does not pass on to his son the family Katana, or 'Samurai sword'; instead he bestows on the son a Buresuto Ke-ki, a 'breast pastry' or what Americans would call a titty-cake."

"Watching Hiroji's titty-cake ceremony was one of the most moving moments of my life," said the bride. "I'm one of the first Westerners to have ever witnessed it."

"I got a good one," says Mr. Kamata, "Vanilla buttercream. Huge nipples."

Gina Flushing, Kyle Pearson

Gina Flushing and Kyle Pearson were married Saturday at the Holdale State Park in Carson City, Nev.

The couple were arrested during the ceremony by the officiant, Lt. Sheldon Graeber of the Carson City Police Department.

The bridegroom is wanted for money laundering; the bride has been a fugitive for six years, evading charges of arson and skink-poaching on federal preserves.

"This is the CCPD's Wedding Sting Division," said Lt. Graeber. "We track these couples who are at-large and we lure them in with amazing wedding deals — limos, Nona Ha gowns, chocolate ganache cakes, gazebos, fancy soaps, puppy baskets; that kind of thing — and then, during the vows, we cuff 'em and stuff 'em."

Wedding Medical Emergencies

Weddings are meant to be one of life's most special gatherings. But with a mixture of young and old guests, plentiful food and drink, and more and more exotic venues, weddings can become danger zones. That's why modern brides and grooms need to be ready with quick fixes for wedding medical emergencies.

Drowning Pull your father-in-law out of the pool and hose him down. Remove his wetsuit and put him in a sleeping bag. Using a blower, perform some CPR.

Choking Sweep the cake off the tonsils in an arcing "U" motion and whip it to the side. Listen to the nose. If there is still no breathing, flip the man into a wheelbarrow position and perform nine percussive bear hugs.

Bee Sting Allergy Pour soda water on the bee to neutralize it, and then flick it into a wall. Give the allergic person his shot, being careful not to give yourself any of the shot. If there is leftover shot, spray it out, or give the rest of it to the allergic person.

Fall If a person has fallen, there is no cure, but you can do things to make the person more comfortable while waiting for the outcome. Feed the person the same as what any other guests get: treat them as equals.

Broken Leg Reduce the fracture if it is displaced. Use gaffer's tape and a golf bag as a splint while you wait for the white van.

Heart Attack Remember, "O" stands for Offer the person something to eat or drink: the same as what other guests are getting. "P" is for CPR if needed.

Shark Attack Scoop the top half of the person into the catamaran and hose them down. Put them into a sleeping bag and pressurize.

Diabetic Coma When the person wakes up, many years may have passed. Try to dress like you did back when the coma started and shave your beard if it's long. Don't tell them the year right off the bat, but later, when they're ready.

Sprollen Ankle A cold fudge ball on the medial malleolus should help the swelling. DO NOT try to spin the foot all the way around.

Poisoning The classic remedy for poisoning is to give the exact opposite of what the person took: the antidote. For example, if they ate pesticides, you would give them the opposite of that.

Nausea and Vomiting First, look for causes: is the person pregnant? Is everyone who ate the same thing pregnant? Find clues then work your way back.

Gunshot or Stab Wounds First, shoot the person who shot or stabbed your guest. Then treat the wound like you would any other.

Blunt Trauma Did a person throw a full beer can at another person's back? A cold compress should do. If a person has many bruises, they should sit the wedding out.

Tracy Schechner, Tom Jameson,

Love sprang from the most terrifying and trying of experiences for Tom and Tracy Jameson, who were married on Saturday at Shepherd's Flock Baptist Church in Houston.

"When you're not sure if you're going to live or die," said the bridegroom, 31, "all you can do is just hang in there and pray."

And pray they did, while at sea on a small raft for 51 days with three others after their cruise ship capsized in the Indian Ocean.

"We got to know each other real fast," said Mr. Jameson. "We saw sides of each other that would only come out under such strain."

"I ate Tom's old roommate," said the bride, 29.

"Yeah, but that's what I mean," said the bridegroom. "No way she would have done that if we hadn't been out there basically starving. But she still blames herself."

"I ate two other people, too," said Tracy, "I have a people-eating disorder."

Heather Wilson, Darren Steegan

Heather Wilson, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Mark Wilson, of New Haven, was married yesterday to Darren Steegen, son of Mr. and Mrs. Toby Steegen of Wahasset, N.Y.

The bride, 28, is the former national women's tennis champion and currently works as a Broadway actress and fashion model for Armani. She deferred enrollment at Yale University in order to serve as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader from 1997 to 2001.

The bridegroom, 38, resides with his parents in Wahasset. He is a part-time student at Icaba Community College, where he studies the Internet. The elaborate ceremony took place in Mr. Steegen's mind.

The couple met on a remote tropical island where Ms. Wilson was sunbathing. She was at first startled by Mr. Steegen, but then gave herself to him freely. All of this was in his mind.

Marta Green, Nate Sirota

Marta Green and Nate Sirota were married on Friday at the Sun Horizons Convention Center in Sarasota, Florida. Rabbi Tom Goldwitz officiated.

The couple met in the online virtual world known as Second Life. Mr. Sirota's screen character, or "avatar," is a four-legged centaur with a rippling human torso and the arms and head of "James Bond" actor Daniel Craig.

"The instant I saw him, I fell in love," said the bride. "I'm a huge D&D girl, plus I love Daniel Craig."

"You should see her avatar," said the groom. "It's a dolphin with a human tongue. Plus she's got wings and she's a surgeon."

Asked how they planned to spend their honeymoon, the couple replied, "Cyberlingus and pixellatio."

Marcy Florman, Kurt Kerr

Marcy Florman and Kurt Kerr were married Saturday at the Civic Center in Burlington, Vt. The ceremony was performed by their longtime friend James Stamsted.

Ms. Florman, 31, is a cashier at Vicky's You Check 'Em in Burlington.

Mr. Kerr, 39, is the assistant manager of a consignment store called AAAAA Pawn in Burlington.

Editors' note: This couple was included in the announcements because we see a lot of potential here. There is something about these two that just makes you think they are going to get their shit together and do something really big.

Bonbon, Grover

American Labrador Grover married Chihuahua bitch Bonbon in a pet marriage yesterday at All Saints. The marriage was performed at a group ceremony led by Brother Pasquale of the Franciscan order.

Marriage will not be the end of freedom for Grover, a cat box forager and bomb-sniffer's apprentice. At the ceremony, he flung saliva as his massive brown head swung from stimulus to stimulus.

The irritable bride stamped the ground, whining to be picked up as her new husband ate a huge bowl of chocolate cake, vomited, and humped a child seat, his body arcing and his glistening, catsup-red manhood shimmering under the photographer's lights.

Mr. Grover's previous wife ran away.

Lydia Faber, Dale Carr

When Dale Carr and Lydia Faber take their vows tomorrow at Pier 60, Chelsea Piers, the words "in sickness and in health" will have special meaning.

It was a hospital that brought the couple together.

Several years ago, Dale Carr, 62, was visiting a friend who was recovering from an appendectomy at NYU's Tisch Medical Center. While in the waiting room, he struck up a conversation with Emily Faber, whose grandmother, Lydia Faber, also was recovering from surgery.

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Excerpted from Weddings of the Times by Rob Baedeker, Dan Klein, James Reichmuth, John Reichmuth. Copyright © 2009 The Kasper Hauser Comedy Group. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
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