Table of Contents
An Imperative Note from the Editor xiii
Disruptive Behavior 101 1
An Open Apology to Larry Legend 7
Ain't No Fact Checkin' 11
Why Lawrence Taylor Is the Greatest Football Player Ever 15
An Open Letter to Tiger Woods 21
My Gold Medal Sweetheart, Mary Lou Retton 27
Good Men in Bad Pieces 35
Bill Russell Is Overrated, Deal with It 41
Dolph Schayes and the Athletic Jews of Yesteryear 49
Allen Iverson and the Weeping Woman 53
The Michael Rapaport Celebrity Scouting Report, Volume 1 57
#MadShaming 67
Question Time for Bill Belichick 73
Hookers, Pills, Dwarfs, and the Las Vegas Raiders 79
Fa Fa Fantasy Football 85
Twenty-Second Time-Out: Hamilton, the Musical that's Not Hip-Hop 91
Catching Punts 95
LaVar Can't Ball 99
The Magic of Magic 103
The Beautiful Audacity of Muggsy Bogues 109
Geno, Go Get Your Shine Box, Geno 113
Fuck Spin Class 121
Even When We Suck, New York City Is Still the Mecca 129
The Irony of Charles Oakley 135
The Eviction of Phil Jackson: An Absurd One-Act Play 141
Halftime!: My Spiritual Connection with the Housewives of Bravo TV 155
Rapaport's Real Housewife Top Twenty Power Rankings, Volume 1 159
23 Reasons Why LeBron Will Never Be Like Mike 165
Venus and Serena Kicked all the Ass, but Richard Williams Is the MVP 183
Phife Dawg: Words from the Five-Foot Assassin 187
If Iron Mike Tyson Can Find Inner Peace, So Can I 193
Great in the Ring, Shitty in Life 197
The Great White Hype of Ronda Rousey 201
Why Boxers Make More Money than MMA Fighters 205
Rocky Is Great, but Not the Greatest 209
The Bronx Bull, the Raging Bull 213
Caitlyn, Caitlyn, Caitlyn 221
Stickmen: The Ultimate List of Great Stickmen, Part 1 225
These Sneakers Are Made for Walking 243
Me and Ali 247
The Champ 251
The Skinny-Jeanification of Sports 259
The Bachelor of Montana 265
The Greatest Ever Eva!!!! 269
Acknowledgments 275
Index 277