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Chapter One

Finding A Distant Reality

There Is A Secret core in all of us," Agnes Whistling Elk said as she watched me fidget under her steady gaze. She had instructed me to come and discuss the next phase of our journey together.

"Why do I feel this sense of longing — as if I were trying to find my way home?" I asked her.

Agnes, Ruby Plenty Chiefs, Ruby's apprentice July, a young Cree girl, and I were sitting around a simple wooden table in Agnes's one-room cabin in the far north of Manitoba, Canada. It was an early evening in spring, and the scent of young grass and pine was in the air. July stoked the fire in the old iron stove and brought each of us a cup of mint leaf tea as we talked.

"Your evolution as an apprentice is like giving birth to a child. The longing you feel is the longing every woman feels for the unborn, whether the unborn is a state of enlightenment, a life in the form of a baby, or a work of art," Agnes said, as she sipped her tea and sniffed the fragrant, minty steam rising from the liquid. Her long gray braids rested on her red-and-black Pendleton shirt.

"This experience, this far memory that is in you, my daughter, is more than longing. It is part of the core of your existence as a human being," Agnes said. "It is different from your other journeys; its source is in another hoop of existence, from your past. It comes from what you might call your spirit history. But you will come to know of its form in the future."

"I don't fully understand what you mean. But I do know that something has been changingme, even before it has taken form as a reality in my mind," I said.

"This spirit birth will change you forever," Agnes said.

Ruby pinched my arm and giggled. "Lynn, you should be used to changes by now. You've changed a lot since we met you, thank the Great Spirit for little favors," Ruby said. She cupped her knobby fingers over the imaginary "little favors" on the table and winked at me. An eerie silvery light reflected off her blind eyes, making me fidget even more.

"Thanks, Ruby, you're always a big help," I said as everyone laughed at my discomfort. Finally, I laughed too, as Crow, with perfect timing, hopped onto the windowsill above the sink and pecked rhythmically on the window, seeming to applaud Ruby's teasing. Agnes tilted her head from side to side, imitating Crow. This was a game they often played. Crow would finally ruffle his wings, hop up and down, and caw madly to be let in for a morsel of food. This time July opened the window and offered the huge bird some crustsof bread Agnes had been saving for him. Crow cawed loudly in Agnes's direction and flew off with his prize gripped in his beak.

Agnes continued, "When we were in Nepal last year, I told you something very important. I told you that a great sister of ours had chosen her death so that you could be initiated into the Sisterhood of the Shields."

"I remember I asked about this woman, what her name was, and why she had done such a thing. And you left me hanging," I said a little impatiently.

Not exactly hanging," Ruby said, smiling to herself, "but now that you mention it..."

I told you that our sister, the woman who had been our great prime mover for a very long time, wanted to tell you herself," Agnes said, ignoring Ruby.

"How is that possible, Agnes?"

"She will come to you in the Dreamtime," Agnes answered.

"But when? Before I arrived here, in my dreaming in Los Angeles, I felt as if she were often knocking on some invisible door inside me, as if the veils of consciousness would not part and let me see her. I'm so frustrated."

Agnes looked at me a long time. She turned her head a little sideways and scanned me mostly through her left eye. Finally she heaved a big sigh. "You are too much of the world," she said. "Your teaching work in Los Angeles and New Mexico has brought you too much into contact with other people."

"But you're the one who said, 'You must live in the big cities of the world. Where do you think healing is needed? Certainly not here in the wilderness. You must let the eagles fly, and take what you have learned about the ancient way of woman, and teach your people! You put me into the world, Agnes. All I wanted to do was stay here with you," I said. Tears of frustration welled up in my eyes.

"It is true, Little Wolf We have given you quite a difficult task." Agnes laid her hand over mine. "Its difficulty is why we in the Sisterhood must remain so hidden and secret. To be able to dream, to work on other levels daily, to help balance the energies of Mother Earth, we must never leave our center." Agnes patted the area over her navel. "It requires an extraordinary effort to maintain this shaman stance. If any of us got involved in politics, in public discussions, in the everyday needs of human personality, we could never sustain the power and centeredness we need to continue our work. To be known would be to lose our power. That is the truth of it. Higher wisdom has always been held in secret to protect it for those who are prepared for it. When light shines, the darkness encroaches on the edges of brilliance to define it and give the light an even truer definition," Agnes said.

"Then she will really come?"