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CHAPTER 1

The Calling of a Stepparent

Now may the God of peace ... equip you with all you need for doing his will.

May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him.

Hebrews 13:20–21 NLT

I feel lost. I used to be confident and joyful. Most days now I feel tired and off target. I don't even know who I am anymore. Can you help?"

My heart ached as I read the stepmom's plea for help. I understood her feelings. It's not unusual to feel lost, uncertain, and discontent in our stepparenting role. But we don't have to stay stuck there.

I didn't walk into adulthood with aspirations to be a stepparent. I doubt you did either. Parenthood is meant to happen within the framework of a single marriage, where a child's own father and mother work together to provide a loving, secure environment. But that doesn't always happen. My husband, Randy, and I raised five kids together in a stepfamily. Now, with only our mutual child left at home, we are in a quieter season of parenting. I often look back to our early years together and consider the differences between blended family and traditional family life. There's really no comparison. The dynamics of a traditional family don't even come close to the complications that stepfamilies face.

Thought for the Day

As stepparents, we're called to play an important role.

That doesn't mean we can't enjoy loving and meaningful relationships in stepfamilies or find joy in our stepparent calling. But we will have to work harder, relying on God's help to achieve that. It's not going to happen naturally.

We must accept the calling first in order to find joy in it. Maybe you wanted a child of your own, but God said no. Maybe you started marriage in a traditional family but lost your spouse unexpectedly. The stepparenting role that remarriage has created for you is un-planned and disorienting. Perhaps you struggle raising stepchildren alongside your own children following a divorce. Will you accept the calling God has given you to be a loving, Christlike influence to a child you didn't birth?

Well-known pastor and author Andy Stanley says, "Your greatest contribution to the kingdom of God may not be something you do, but someone you raise." If you've been placed in a stepchild's life, God has you there for an important purpose.

When feelings of uncertainty or inadequacy arise, take time to look at yourself through God's eyes. God saw Abram as "the father of many nations" at ninety-nine years old with only one son (Genesis 17:4). God saw Mary as the mother of the Savior when she was yet a girl. God sees you as a capable, loving parent who can make a difference in this child's life like no one else can. I pray you'll embrace the important calling you've been given as a stepparent.

* * *

Dear Lord, I struggle with my calling at times.

Give me a fresh perspective that includes a spirit of thanksgiving for the stepchildren You've entrusted to me.

Live Fearlessly

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7 NLT

Her swollen eyes revealed her pain. Tears began as the stepmom spoke: "Why is this so hard? My stepchildren are adults. We rarely see them, but when we do, hurtful words fly."

Whether stepchildren are young or old, stepfamily adjustments exist. Unhealed wounds of the past can drive stepchildren to intimidate and alienate a stepparent from the family circle. The adage "Hurt people hurt people" rang true for this mom's stepdaughter.

It takes a spirit "of power and of love" from God to reach out after hurtful daggers have been thrown our way. Fear cripples our ability to respond. But this stepmom chose to continue to reach out with compassion. Eventually, her adult stepdaughter accepted her gestures of love.

In my own stepfamily, loving relationships didn't develop quickly. In our early years, we often took two steps forward and ten steps backward. I remember wanting to quit. But when I claimed the spirit of power that God offered, I gained confidence in my stepmom role.

Elisabeth Elliot, wife of martyred missionary Jim Elliot, stands out as a woman of rare courage. Elliot's husband was savagely killed while attempting to bring Christianity to a primitive tribe in the jungles of Ecuador. She later determined the only way to find closure from her husband's death (and the deaths of four other missionaries killed by natives) was to live among the murderers with her young daughter, in hopes of bringing Jesus to them.

Thought for the Day

With God's power, we are not without hope.

What an incredible feat! Elliot couldn't have walked into such an environment without supernatural love and power. She plunged ahead into the role she believed God had called her to, knowing the danger of her efforts. For two years, accompanied by her daughter, she ministered to the tribe members who had left her widowed.

I doubt few of us will be called to model such courage in our day-to-day lives. But like Elliot, we can walk fearlessly into the role God has called us to — even when it's hard — if we ask Him to guide our steps and we claim the spirit of love and power He offers.

The stepparent journey includes days of bumpy roads and overwhelming emotions. But God provides the tools we need for a sure and steady walk. "The secret," Elisabeth Elliott says, "is Christ in me — not me in a different set of circumstances."

* * *

Heavenly Father, I want to live fearlessly in my stepparenting role, but I can't do it alone. I claim Your promise today that I've been given a spirit of power.

Character Building Brings Benefits

We know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Romans 5:3–4

I would give anything, anything, to be in a nuclear family." I could hear the pain behind this post on a Facebook page for stepmoms. Several comments agreed with the stepmom's sentiment. A wave of sadness rolled over me.

Really? I thought. I disagree. I would never trade the experiences I've had in my stepfamily — or the person I am now because of them.

I began to type my own response to the post. "There are problems in nuclear families too. I'm thankful for my big, imperfect, blended family. After more than two decades together, we have stories of loss, disharmony, and tears. But we also have stories of love, acceptance, and joy. We have a history together that makes us inseparable. Thankfully, we can now look back on our early years of tension with laughter and understanding."

The trials we've walked through in our stepfamily have kept me on my knees. I've developed an enduring faith because of the magnificent ways I've seen God work. I've learned how to live out the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23). I more easily offer grace and humility to others, recognizing my own imperfect ways. And I've learned to trust God beyond my ability to under-stand. Psalm 100:5 says, "For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations."

Thought for the Day

Our experiences make us better or bitter.

The apostle Paul spoke of this same principle. He said, "I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees" (2 Corinthians 12:7 MSG).

In the story of Ruth, however, Naomi took a different approach. She blamed God for the loss of her husband and two sons. "'Don't call me Naomi,' she told them. 'Call me Mara [which means bitter], because the Almighty has made my life very bitter'" (Ruth 1:20).

There's only one letter difference between bitter and better. Bitter contains "I." When we focus on ourselves, our hardship, our unmet desire to live in a nuclear family, bitterness follows. But when we focus on God's provision, God's strength, and the hope found in God's promises, we allow adversity to make us better. It's our choice.

* * *

Heavenly Father, I admit — some days I feel bitter because of my circumstances. But I don't want to stay there. Help me see the blessings of my journey. Remind me of Your goodness and faithfulness.

Your Efforts Matter!

You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.

Psalm 77:14

The handwritten letter that fell out of the envelope, along with a gift, surprised me. My stepson, Payton, hadn't sent a Mother's Day gift in years. I certainly didn't expect the words of affirmation that accompanied it. Payton had never called me Mom, yet the letter began:

MOM!! Happy Mother's Day!!

I wanted to take time and express my appreciation to you as my mother!! You have been there through everything. My first love, my first heartbreak, high school, and college. You've literally been there for it all. Thank you for giving me advice and good examples over the years. Even though I know I pushed back for many years, I now realize I had a great MOM all along. Thank you for always being there for me. Love you, Gayla. Your son.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. Payton is now a young adult, and I'd often wondered if my tireless efforts as his stepmom even mattered. The letter I received that Mother's Day told me they had.

Thought for the Day

God uses imperfect stepparents in miraculous ways.

I reflected on what an imperfect stepmom I am. I could spend days relaying countless ways I've messed up with my children. I didn't know how to raise a son, and I didn't "study" Payton enough so I could parent him better. But God used my imperfect efforts, and He continues to redeem a less-than-perfect relationship.

If you're struggling with a stepchild relationship that's on a downward spiral, don't give up. God redeems relationships every day. When you're discouraged, pray for guidance, make an effort to foster a healthy relationship, apologize when you're wrong, and keep moving forward amid the obstacles.

"Perfection is not the goal on earth. ... Your life is a progressive journey," writes Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith in Set Free to Live Free: Breaking through the 7 Lies Women Tell Themselves. "There will be times of success and times of failure. There will be times of faith and times of doubt. There will be moments of joy and moments of fear. You cannot maneuver this obstacle course we call life and expect to finish the race perfectly."

Don't underestimate your value with your stepchildren. The stepparenting journey often includes a stride forward followed by a setback, particularly in the early years. But stepparents who choose to stay the course, through the good times and the bad, will make a difference in the lives of their stepchildren.

* * * Heavenly Father, I ask for Your help in my stepfamily relationships. Heal our troubled relationships and show me how to be the stepparent You've called me to be.

Loving Your Stepchildren

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

John 15:12

I love my own children differently than I love my stepchildren; I feel so guilty about it." Sarah agonized over her confusing emotions.

"It's okay," I told her. "Your feelings are normal."

We develop a bond unlike any other when we give birth to our children, nurture them for years, and experience every first with them. It's not unusual to love our stepchildren differently. In fact, in the early years, we might not love — or even like — them some days.

I wanted to offer the same love and grace to my stepchildren that I easily gave my biological children, but it didn't come naturally for me in the beginning. I prayed I would see them through His eyes, not mine. My heart began to soften as I prayed for my stepchildren by name.

We watch Jesus offer love and grace to others repeatedly in Scripture. In John 8:1–11, we read the story of a woman caught in adultery and brought into the temple courts. The Pharisees and other leaders want to have her stoned. But Jesus said to them, "Let one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Then He turns to the woman and offers His grace without hesitation: "Neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

Thought for the Day

Feelings for our stepchildren often change with time, particularly when we pray for them.

We don't deserve the gift of grace God offers us — nor can we earn it — but He wants us to receive it anyway. Ephesians 2:8–9 says, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God — not by works, so that no one can boast."

Some days, we don't want to offer the gifts of love and grace to our stepchildren, do we? Perhaps we feel they don't deserve it. Grace is the key that unlocks tension in stepfamily relationships and allows love to flourish. Prayer gives us the strength and compassion we need to move beyond our selfish nature and offer loving gestures to our stepchildren, even when we don't feel like it.

Prayer changes relationships. Stepfamily relationships may always feel a little different than biological ones, but don't be surprised if you notice a growing love and more natural ability to extend grace toward your stepchildren as you pray for them.

* * *

Thank You, Father, for loving me on days I'm not lovable. Teach me to see my stepchildren as You see them and love them in the midst of confusing emotions.

Celebrate the Blessings

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.

COLOSSIANS 4:2

Too often, we focus on stepparenting challenges. We get out of bed grumpy, expecting that our stepchildren will misbehave before our day even begins. We spout angry words when a snarly look comes our way, without taking a pause to reflect.

Why not assume the best in those around us? Instead of looking for misbehavior, expect to have loving conversation with your stepchildren. Refuse to engage if that doesn't happen. Look for opportunities to praise cooperative attitudes. With God's help, strive to smile more and laugh easily.

Blessings surround us. Sometimes they're disguised, invisible unless we're intentionally looking for them. Prayer helps us identify the good in our lives, and not focus on the less-than-good.

I live in the Deep South, where summers are long and winters are mild. Snow rarely shows up, and no one knows how to drive in the white stuff when it does. School lets out with a prediction of flurries.

My stepson recently moved to Colorado and has been anticipating his first winter there. In October, he sent a picture of a foot of snowfall, marking the beginning of winter in a radically different climate. I could hear his excitement as he described the beauty of the powdery snow, quite different from the sleet and ice normally experienced with a winter storm in the South. I rejoiced with him in my reply, anxious to hear more about his plans to romp around outside.

Thought for the Day

Gratitude for our blessings brings joy.

As I related the conversation to my husband that evening, I celebrated the ease of exchanging drama-free words with Payton. For many years, that wasn't the case. Tension surrounded our relationship. Thankfully, with God's help, we've walked out of that season. I now count our thriving relationship a blessing.

The apostle Paul tells us contentment is not found in the situations of life, but rather in our attitude about them. Writing from prison, Paul says, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" (Philippians 4:11). We choose every day to either grumble about our challenges or look for blessings to celebrate.

The stepparent's road has bumps, curves, and potholes. Some seasons stretch out endlessly with dark clouds and rainy days. Rather than asking God to fix our problems, however, let's ask Him to fix our perspective, to look for daily blessings in each day and a rainbow behind every cloud.

* * *

Heavenly Father, thank You for walking beside me day after day. I need Your help to find the blessings that surround me and to carry an attitude of thankfulness despite my circumstances.

Perseverance Wins the Prize

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

In the early years of our marriage, I wondered if we would make it to our next anniversary. Blending four children, grappling with stepparent roles while learning to parent together, finding patience for ex-spouses, and trying to stay afloat with job, church, and community obligations seemed impossible. Now, after two decades of marriage, I'm thankful we never quit.

Randy and I often counsel other stepcouples. One day, I asked him why he thinks the divorce rate of remarried couples continues to climb. His answer was simple: they quit too soon. Yes, there are struggles with ex-spouses, complicated schedules, bickering kids, financial concerns, and all kinds of issues. But the reason most re-marriages fail is because stepcouples don't devote enough time to work through the kinks and find success in the marital relationship. Perseverance is a foreign word in too many homes.

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Excerpted from "Step Parenting with Grace"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Gayla Grace.
Excerpted by permission of Worthy Publishing Group.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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