Read an Excerpt

Cricket Banter

Chat, Sledging & Laughs From the Middle Stump

The History Press

THE BOYS BEHIND THE MIDDLE STUMP

With nearly 150,000 hits on our website and a plethora of Twitter followers, the demand for The Middle Stump is growing by the day.

We are constantly being asked on Twitter, who we are, what club do we play for, etc, so here we give you a behind the scenes look at those who write for The Middle Stump.

Name: DAN WHITING

The Archbishop of Banterbury

Age: 42

CRICKET ROLE

I open the batting for Southgate Adelaide 2nd XI, who play in the Saracens Hertfordshire Cricket League. My bowling has been consigned to the bin, having been the subject of many an insurance policy payout for local homeowners.

NICKNAME

Seve. I was 1st XI captain at my club and not contributing much with the bat. At the time, Mr Ballesteros was the non-playing captain of Europe's Ryder Cup team, and hence the name stuck.

FUNNIEST CRICKETING STORY

Seeing a teammate set himself on fire, having dived after a ball with a packet of Swan Vestas in his pocket comes close, but my favourite was a few years back. I opened and was out for fuck all (as usual) as was our number three. As we walked around the ground debating what to do for the next three hours, we saw a man, a good fifty yards away with the reddest face imaginable – he was glowing. My teammate said to me, 'Look at that bloke's face, do you think he likes a beer?' As the said gentleman approached he said in the poshest voice imaginable, 'Excuse me chaps, I don't suppose you know if the bar is open?' We couldn't answer him, we found it so funny.

WORST CRICKETING MOMENT

Having thirty-odd people turn up for a barbecue at cricket for my birthday and getting a golden duck in front of all of my friends.

BEST SLEDGE DELIVERED

While being given a load of gyp by a younger lad all afternoon, I said to him 'Have some respect for your elders. I was in Baghdad, when you were in your Dad's bag', which even made his team-mates laugh! He soon kept quiet.

BEST SLEDGE RECEIVED

I was once told an ex-girlfriend of mine (many years ago) was a Ten Pole Tudor of a girl. Apparently she'd had the 'Swords of a Thousand Men'.

FAVOURITE MIDDLE STUMP ARTICLE

Oooh, tough one. I love doing the Q and As, Graeme Fowler, Steve James, Paul Nixon and Mike Selvey were all great, and I enjoyed the Middlesex one too. It has to be said, promoting the Q and As has been great fun and the banter we have had with people like Gill Nuttall from Factor 50 and Graeme Fowler has been brilliant, great fun and helping delivering a message for an extremely worthwhile cause.

EVER PLAYED AGAINST ANYONE DECENT?

I played against Keith Piper and Mark Alleyne for Tottenham a few times when I was a kid. I dropped Alleyne second ball of the match ... well didn't drop him exactly ... I called for it at the same time as a teammate and then watched it drop in the middle of us. He went on to get 120 not out about two months before he got a contract at Gloucestershire. I played against Phil DeFreitas and Mark Ramprakash, both of whom played at North London cricket clubs.

MOST AMAZING THING SEEN CRICKET-WISE

There is a mate of mine at our cricket club, Matt, who can do a pint in one, upside down while standing on his head up against the dartboard! It's harder than you might think!

BEST TEA

Went to Harpenden once. Frightfully posh. Had king prawns served with garlic. Very nice!

PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

Off to recuperate. I have a bad back from picking up all these names I've dropped! Watch this space, there may well be another Middle Stump book but you never know what is around the corner.

Name: LIAM KENNA

The Sheriff of Banter Town

Age: 24

NICKNAME

Ayrton – for cockney rhyming slang reasons. I have also been called Niki Lauda following an unfortunate incident when I burned my forehead with a hot key.

CRICKETING ROLE

1st XI top-order batsman for Southgate Adelaide CC. Once upon a time I was a leggie until balls started going missing more frequently than an Ian Salisbury full toss. Last season I was loaned out to Datchworth CC – where I drank a lot.

FUNNIEST CRICKETING STORY

I have two that I can't separate. One was away to Old Finchleians and they had an opening batsman who was playing and missing every other ball and then got slapped on the pads in front of all three. As keeper, I went up, as did Dan at first slip and another guy called Flacky, the bowler. It wasn't given. He took ten overs of non-stop stick and abuse from the three of us, which got quite personal at times. He was Chinese and Flacky asked him if he'd had a fortune cookie before the game. This carried on for a while, and we thought he was doing very well to ignore us until their new bat came in and asked, 'Lads, what's the point of sledging this bloke? He's stone deaf!'

My other comes from a man called Corned Beef, my best mate from Wales. He came to stay with me for a summer when I was captaining a game against Winchmore Hill CC. The Beef could bowl more-than-handy inswingers, but had the knack of dropping one short. Hill had James Gatting (son of Mike) opening and boy, he can hit a ball. My only instruction to Beef was to 'not drop it short to Gatting'. First ball Beef steams in and plants one half-way down the track, Gatting obliges and sticks it over the tennis courts onto the main road. As the Beef looks up at the end of his follow-through he mutters, 'Oh fucking hell! Don't tell me that was Gatting? Well I ain't fucking fetching it!'

WORST CRICKETING MOMENT

Dropping two catches in a row in a Test match ground in Sri Lanka while on tour with London Schools U18s

BEST SLEDGE DELIVERED

Dan will tell you, I'm not much of a sledger. I just talk nonsense. Fielding at first slip or at short leg, I get up some people's noses though. Once, while questioning the parentage of a young batsman after he was dismissed, he turned and put his bat through the grille of my helmet! My favourite though, has to be a tag team effort with Dan when Kings Langley's number eleven needed only a few for the win. We very kindly reminded him that he could get back page headlines of the Watford Gazette and that Kings Langley needed a hero. Needless to say he soon missed one and we won.

BEST SLEDGE RECEIVED

Some asshole while playing for Datchworth last year asked me if my hair was connected to my hat.

FAVOURITE ARTICLE ON THE MIDDLE STUMP

Love how Dan's response was 'Oooh, tough one'. The lunch box wrote his own bloody questions! I like the Foxy one best. Although the Scott Phillips one was great too as it surprised us how many hits it got!

EVER PLAYED AGAINST ANYONE DECENT

I'm not much of a name-dropper but I've played with and against half of the Glamorgan side (playing club cricket in the South Wales league), as well as some guy in Sri Lanka who got 160 in no time. He was class. Some tosser dropped him twice though.

MOST AMAZING THING SEEN CRICKET-WISE

Matt drinking a pint upside down was amazing. I was also part of ten LBWs in one innings.

PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

Re-address the lbw law. I am an umpire's wet dream.

THE MIDDLE STUMP'S GUIDE TO CRICKET BANTER

Today The Middle Stump gives you the guide to cricket speak. Here are some of the phrases and terms currently being bandied about in cricketing circles. Massive thanks to Thorpster for his contribution to these. If you have any more, please contact us on Twitter @themiddlestump and we would love to hear any more which are doing the rounds. Some of these aren't politically correct, some are long-winded, some are rubbish, but here goes:

ABI TITMUSS: A sticky dog. Michael Vaughan's debut at Johannesburg could be described as batting on an Abi Titmuss.

AGRICULTURAL: A batsman known to favour the leg side. See also British Airways.

ALISTAIR CAMPBELL: A spin bowler. See also David Busst or Hansie Cronje, but just someone who imparts spin. A lot.

ASSANGE: Named after Wikileaks Julian Assange, this is a batsman who isn't prepared to accept a decision, one who takes his time at the crease after being given out, or one shocked by an outrageous decision from a lifter, and has to be coerced back to the pavilion by a word or two from the opposition. See Lifter.

AYRTON: A full toss. A delivery which overshoots the track.

BAKERLOO: Playing down the wrong line. As in 'Looked a good ball to me?' 'Nah mate, played down the Bakerloo, when I should have played the Piccadilly.'

BAMBER: Named after Jeremy Bamber, this is someone who is always appealing. Kamran Akmaal is a classic Bamber.

BRITISH AIRWAYS: An agricultural shot played with one's head in the air, as if going plane spotting.

BUNSEN: A wicket that turns square, such as those prepared in the subcontinent virtually every winter especially for England's batting. From Bunsen Burner – Turner.

CHRISTOPHER REEVE: A batsman who refuses to walk, especially after nicking it behind.

DAVID: Rhyming slang for the shower, from the cricketer David Gower. 'I'll be up to the bar in a minute mate, just having a quick David.'

DAVID BUSST: A leg break bowler, named after the ex-Coventry City defender who 'busst' his leg in spectacular fashion in 1996.

DEREK: Rhyming slang for a single, after Derek Pringle. 'Let's be sharp on these Dereks boys!' will often be the cry from the skipper.

DOUGLAS BADER: Short leg.

FERRET: One who goes in after the rabbits. See Rabbit. New Zealand's Brendon Bracewell was a classic ferret.

FIRE OUT: An umpire who lifts his finger very quickly. See Lifter.

GC: Meaning (Welwyn) Garden City. When a fielder in close proximity to the batsman cuts off a cheeky Derek, he will get the cry of GC, meaning 'Well in'.

GEORGE BUSH: A premeditated shot/strike/sweep. KP's switch hit is a George Bush.

GRAHAM RIX: An Under 15s game.

HANSIE CRONJE: A wrong 'un. A googly or a chinaman delivery. When a new batsman goes to the wicket he will ask his partner something along the lines of 'What's this bloke like? Just bowling David Bussts?' And he will reply 'Nah mate, he's got a good Hansie.'

JIMMY CARR: A player who doesn't pay his dues/subs/match fees.

JIMMY TARBUCK: A difference of opinion. Ian Botham and Ian Chappell had a Jimmy Tarbuck, as did Mike Brearley and Dennis Lillee over the aluminium bat. Robert Croft and Mark Ilott had one about the light, while Mikey Holding infamously booted down the stumps in New Zealand over the standard of umpiring when John Parker nicked one behind and Christopher Reeved it!

JIMMY WHITE: A no ball

KATE NASH: Laying the foundations. If on tour, you see a girl in a bar early in the evening (while you're still compos mentis), you put in the Kate Nashes – having a sensible conversation before trying to whisk her back to your room in a drunken state at 2.00 a.m. See also Mick Hunt.

KIM HUGHES: An umpire who folds easily under pressure. A couple of loud ones from a team of Bambers and this guy will fire out. Named after the Aussie skipper Kim Hughes who broke down in tears in a press conference due to being under pressure.

LEG SIDE LARRY: A batsman who tends to bring his bottom hand into a shot, thus favouring the leg side. Note, although Viv Richards tended to do this, he was no Leg Side Larry. He was just class.

LIFTER: An umpire, normally one who belongs to the opposition, who will give three or four lbws in an innings. Often happy to give a couple of his own tail-enders out as sacrificial lambs in the first innings, he is then happy to fire three out of your top four out in return. Then in the bar, he often will be heard to claim, 'I gave decisions out for both sides ... You can only give what you see,' and other such nonsense.

MANDELSON: 'Go down and field at Peter can you please, mate?' Not to be confused with Sutcliffe or Crouch, this would be to field at third man, after Peter Mandelson's role in the New Labour government, often lurking in the shadows behind Tony Blair and Gordon Brown.

MICK HUNT: In honour of the Lord's groundsman, and very similar to doing a Kate Nash. Doing the groundwork may also apply to the first 20 runs of an innings.

MAX MOSELEY: A swinger. A bowler, often of the Tommy Rundler variety, who swings the ball excessively.

PETER CROUCH: Long leg.

PETER SUTCLIFFE: A batsman known to give it some right hammer.

RABBI: A batsman who will get runs only on a Saturday. See Vicar.

RABBIT: Those who can't bat, often coming in at nine, ten or eleven. See also Ferret.

ROD HULL: A batsman who tends to hit the ball in the air a lot, or will go aerial. Named after the ex-Emu puppeteer who tragically died trying to fix his TV aerial.

SHIRT FRONT: A pitch of good quality, completely free from blemishes, and one which a lot of runs should be scored on.

SPECKLES: Almost certainly an urban myth originating from the Kwazulu Natal cricketing fraternity of South Africa. Speckles is a game played with four people or more sitting round a table. One member has to defecate in the middle of the table before retaking his seat. The cricket scorebook is then used to hit said excrement violently, and the person with most speckles on his face has to buy the next round.

STARBUCKS: See Jimmy Carr.

STEPHEN HENDRY: A pitch of poor quality. Named after the acne-affected Scottish snooker player.

TEAMMATE'S MUM: A match situation when the captain needs a good tight spell from his bowlers, or for the fielders to be tight in 'On the Dereks.' Often the shout will go out that, 'We need to be tighter than (pick any team-mate's) mum.' Note: Be selective on who you choose for this one, as it can often foster dressing room disharmony.

TIGER WOODS: A player who performs well away from home.

TITANIC: Name given to a not-so-attractive young lady. While she may look alright in the shady lights of a darkened nightclub, you may find the following morning she has a 'dodgy boat' and isn't as pretty as she seemed the night before after ten pints.

TOMMY RUNDLER: A bowler of low speed, often huffing and puffing his way to the crease. When the shout comes out from the scorer, 'Bowler's name?' and you cannot discern the reply, this man is often entered in the scorebook as 'T. Rundler'.

UMPIRE'S WET DREAM : A batsman who is often out lbw. England's batting in the winter of 2010/11 in the subcontinent with the DRS could be described thus. Graham Gooch was also one to Terry Alderman in the 1989 Ashes.

VICAR: A batsman who will only get runs on a Sunday. The antithesis of a rabbi. Rabbis tend to get their runs, or go to work on Saturdays during league games, whereas a vicar will get his normally against inferior opposition in a friendly on the Sunday.

VINTCENTS: Numerous cricketers suffer from the dreadful affliction of piles, in this instance named after ex-Middlesex bowler Vintcent van der Bijl.

WESTON: A Super 'Mare. Not just having a bad game, but a shocker. In the bar on a Saturday night the conversation will go like this: 'How did you get on today, mate?' I had a complete Weston. Got a duck, 0–40 off of four overs, and dropped two catches.'

ED GIDDINS INTERVIEW

Ed Giddins has a chequered history. He is among the select band of players to have his name on the board at Lord's for taking five wickets in a Test in 1999, but this was after Giddins had been banned for testing positive for cocaine in 1996.

Here Ed gives us the truth on Eddie Hemmings' high-fashion style, and Norman Gifford removing the chips at Lord's. An interesting and bloody good bloke, he was one of the game's high-profile characters in terms of banter, and we caught up with him as he travelled from Bedford to Cardiff. Ed is now one of the leading poker players in the country and does a great deal of charitable work for the PCA as well as being an after-dinner speaker. Honest and forthright, Ed is fantastic value as this Q & A session clearly shows.

TMS: Ed, thanks for agreeing to do a Q & A with us. It must be a huge privilege?

EG: I'd never heard of you, but you're the only one that has asked me, so I thought I had better say yes.

---

Excerpted from Cricket Banter by Dan Whiting, Liam Kenna. Copyright © 2013 Dan Whiting & Liam Kenna. Excerpted by permission of The History Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

---